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to much
August 1, 2005
6:09 pm
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lita
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i have a question , when we are in a relationship do we put to much pressure on our partner, when i think alot of time we say we cant be happy with out this person, or have youever been on the other end and been the person that is responsible for someone elses happiness, i mean of course we should be responsible for our own happiness, but as you well know we have all either lost someone or been left or maybe left a bad relationship, just some thing i was thinking about, i think its a whole lot pressure to be responsible for some ones happiness.

August 1, 2005
6:18 pm
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Just Lost
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codependence. it sucks.

August 1, 2005
6:46 pm
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Anonymous
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Lita, I was married for 18 years to a man that believed it was my job to "make him happy". Never mind that he was miserable BEFORE I met him (he hid it well). To expect another person to make you happy is setting them up for failure! IT IS NOT POSSIBLE!!!

August 1, 2005
6:51 pm
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Anonymous
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I clicked before I was done...doh!!!! Anyway, as I was saying, happiness comes from inside each of us. If a person looks for someone or something on the outside to make them happy, it won't be permanent. Sure, I can go buy a new car, or new clothes, or a new house and I'll be happy for a while, but sooner or later that "high" will fade, and I'm looking somewhere else. HAPPINESS/JOY COMES FROM DEEP INSIDE OF THE INDIVIDUAL! If they aren't happy with themselves when you meet them, they will NEVER find happiness if they expect it from you!

August 1, 2005
6:59 pm
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stwhirlwind
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I fear this is true of myself. i depend on my BF (actually broken up at the moment)to be happy. I am miserable without him and he says that same thing to me "i can't live my life and yours" you need to be happy on your own. i hate myself for this, i wish i could find my own happiness rather than rely on him and how he feels to determine my feelings.

August 2, 2005
11:14 am
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lita
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the reason i put this thread here was, i feel the same way, has everyone here, im on both ends, iam not happy without my husband, but sometimes , i m not happy with him, ,but if iam not with him i feel like i cant breath, we dont live together any more, he actually has a court order he cant be near me or see me, or come around to my house, but we have been sneaking and seeing each other, he is in counseling, and is trying to become abetter person, he is the one i want be with, i beleive he is changing for the best, and sometimes i dont think iam capable of changing my behavior, i feel stuck, iam depressed alot, i have so many issues,ive lost my child, my husband used to be abusive to me, i just wish i felt better. iam scared of life in general, whats wrong with me, on a scale of 1 to 10 iam happy about half the time. i feel like when things are going good i feel like my mood sabatoges everything, someone please talk to me help me its tuesday i dont do tuesdas well.

August 2, 2005
11:34 am
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shyshy
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I was in that situation too when I married my ex husband and didn't even realize it.

He was just coming out of the gay lifestyle and into the church scene. New in the Lord and wanted to make everything right. Didn't want to live the gay lifestyle anymore and convinced me of that.

I found out after 15 long years of heartache that he expected his life to be perfect just because he was trying to do the right thing. That put an awful lot of pressure on me because he expected ME to be perfect.

when he realized life doesn't work that way he backslid and started acting out in the lifestyle again after about 7 years of marriage.

It still took me 8 years after that to break it off.

August 2, 2005
11:38 am
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shyshy
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I'm in the same boat too with my current bf. I'm not happy with him but I'm miserable without him. I know I need to move on and be by myself for a while but I can't seem to get myself to break it off.

I guess that's where codependency comes in.

August 2, 2005
11:45 am
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lita
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shy shy , how did you come through your situtaion, that would be tough, thank you for responding, i really need someone to talk to i feel like iam on edge , it helps to take my mind off me for a minute, so please talk all you want

August 2, 2005
11:59 am
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SexySadie
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Looking back at my relationship...when I first met EX I was his Light in Shining Armour...he looked to me as his saving grace so to speak. I picked him off the ground and gave him a chance at a new life.

But what I failed to realise was that while he was getting this new life, I was losing myself into his. Losing everything almost including my sanity.

When my love and respect for him started dying inside, his drinking increased and now we all know where we are today. Separated.

I've know begun to realise that I have to get myself healthy again, back to the person I was when we first met. Your happiness is yours and yours alone.

You cannot be responsible for making someone happy, but you can be there and share in the happiness together. You can make someone unhappy by constantly beating them down, verbal and physical abuse...but that's not a healthy relationship is it? When you're unhappy it radiates just as when you are happy and healthy mentally.

August 2, 2005
12:05 pm
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lita
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sexysadie thats my problem i think i need my husband to make me happy, but then when iam with him iam not happy, i know it doesnt make any sense, i would give anything to feel the way you were talking about happy and healthy mentally, it just seems so far out of reach for me

August 2, 2005
2:01 pm
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stwhirlwind
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Lita that makes perfect sense....to me anyway. I always feel as if i'm crazy for feeling that way. When we are together, i think about how much more i care for him then him for me and that i wish i had someone who really saw me for who i am and loved me. so i'm not happy. but now that we are apart i am so miserable and can't see past life without him.....it sucks

it's a double edged sword. codependency.

i pray we will all get past this...with hope.

August 2, 2005
3:30 pm
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kathygy
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lita, no one is responsible for anyone's happiness. You need to create your own source of happiness from within you. As long as you keep seeiong your husband you'll never do this and you will stay stuck. It sounds like you are codependent on your husband. Work on your codpendency so you can let go and build your own happiness. It can be done. I have found happiness on my own that is dependent on no one. Its much more fulfilling and secure to count on yourself then try to count on someone who can't give you what you think you want.

love,
kathy

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