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To Lolli from D dog - re: abuse of this site.
August 27, 2005
5:26 pm
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D dog
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Hi Lolli.

I re-read my post from last night, and am disgusted with myself because you are correct on all accounts.

Two things -

One, I believe I crossed the line between sending an email to a friend and posting on a self-help web site. I got caught up in the moment with Shaney (not her fault), and realize that I probably offended a lot of posters, especially those with alcohol and/or drug problems. I am truly sorry for that, and it will never happen again.

Two, although I have turned around and done the opposite of the advice that has been given to me here, I have taken all of that advice to heart, mind and soul, and although it probably doesn't show, I have learned so very much, and actually have made progress that is not currently being reflected by my actions. It has been internal progress...like when you plant a seed, and know it is there, and are waiting for the shoots to appear. I am not up to actually "watering the seed" right now, and I know that. That said, I also know that is time for me to take responsibily for my actions, and stop "draining" everyone here. You have all given me wonderful advice, and I apologize for making light of it, and seemingly, "throwing it back in the faces" of all those who having so lovingly helped me.

From this point on, I will leave the H subject alone, and I do thank everyone here for all that you have done, I know that you've all done your best and it is probably time to walk away from this issue.

I also want to apologize to SC for disrespecting this site by posting under the influence, and for abusing it by using it as a casual chat room. That was very wrong, and if you feel the need to "ban" me, I will understand.

Thanks, all - and have a great day -

D dog

August 27, 2005
5:36 pm
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Lolli, I also want to say that I respect your decision to not be "codep" with me when I am obviously beyond help at this point, and need to start helping myself.

This has made me realize that I've been just as bad as all the "jerks" we post about here, and think you have set a great example by sticking up for yourself and getting off my rollercoaster, and "taking care of you".

I hope some day have your strength. Thank you for your honesty, as always.

August 27, 2005
5:41 pm
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addicts wife
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((((((Ddog)))))))

August 27, 2005
6:47 pm
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Thank you AW.

Du E For Fin For Mig.

(Swedish - means, "You are too fine for me")

Back at ya -

(((((AW)))))

August 27, 2005
6:54 pm
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D dog, you and Lolli both are class acts! It's hard to confront someone in love when you feel like they've overstepped some boundaries, and it's hard to ask for forgiveness and admit you were wrong. Kudos to you both! There is MUCH to be learned from the way BOTH of you conducted yourselves concerning this matter. I believe it shows tremendous GROWTH and MATURITY on both of your parts. I applaude you both.

You're gonna be ok, D dog! Look at how far you have come!!! Peace to you, my friend:)

(((((D dog))))))((((((Lolli)))))) from plz

August 27, 2005
7:06 pm
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Thank you so much, plz. The things I am learning here are beyond description.

Much love,
D.

August 27, 2005
9:02 pm
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CAMER
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((d dog))) U show alot of character and strength that you do have, along with maturity and just "stepping up to the plate" i wish you both peace in this matter.

((camer))

August 28, 2005
12:05 am
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(((D-dog))),

First, I like to say how much I appreciate your response and your apology. I agree with everyone here, that your response showed great class, maturity and character. I would also like to thank you for understanding my feelings. I was very apprehensive about posting my feelings (being the codep that I am) and I am grateful that you responded the way you did. It makes me happy to know that we can communicate our feelings without fear.

Secondly, after reading your post to me.....I'm wondering if I should apologize. I hope that I didn't come off as being judgemental, because that was certainly not my intention. Nor do I want you to feel for one moment that you should be "banned" from this site or that you shouldn't feel free to talk about H if you need to.

Perhaps it was just my own issues being projected on to you....I don't know.

I meant what I said in my post, that I truely wish you the best. I think about you more than you know.

Love,
Lolli

P.S. To everyone who responded to this post and the other......thank you.

August 28, 2005
2:45 pm
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Good morning, Lolli -

Thank you so much for your post. No, you don't need to apologize. As mentioned, you were correct on all acccounts, and again, I thank you for being honest because this has really been a great learning experience for me.

Can I say that I have an epic hangover today? LOL! I am going to chill today and make a pot of spaghetti sauce. Maybe H and Sandy will come over for dinner. (See "A New Chapter" post for details).

What a whacked out life we lead. I thank the higher power, and all on this site, for the revelations.

D.

August 29, 2005
3:17 pm
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BTW, I was kidding about the dinner thing...

And sorry for the alcohol reference.

I am going to lay low this week and try to get my head together.

Obviously, I have no idea what I'm doing at the moment.

Thanks again, everyone, for understanding.

August 29, 2005
6:14 pm
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Hi D-dog,

I hope you don't feel as though you have to apologize for everything that you say on this site.

I personally don't have a problem with you talking about H, your problem with alcohol, or making jokes.

The only problem that I had was that you were posting while intoxicated. As I have said, since I have been sober, I have been trying to distance myself from that type of thing, which is one of the reasons that I come here.

My other concern was for others on this site who are coming here for the first time. For example, the other day, I read a post from a woman who was having great difficulties with her husbands drinking.....can you imagine what she would think if the person that responded to her was drunk?

I know that you understand this as you have so eloquently stated, I just wanted you to be clear so that you can still feel comfortable posting about things that you would like to talk about.

Take care...

Love,
Lolli

August 29, 2005
7:15 pm
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D dog
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Thanks for the message, girlfriend. I just need to grow up a bit and realize that not everything is about me. I'm glad kathygy responded as well, I knew that one was coming, and I deserved it. I don't view it as a reprimand, though - just someone who cares telling it like it is.

Kathy, if you're reading, I am sorry that I let you down. You've spent a lot of time on my issues...I kind of feel like an ungrateful child at the moment. Something for me to think about.

I do plan to continue to post, but in a more respectful manner. And not while drinking. And not all day, every day - this site is a gift, and I pretty much turned it into a D dog pity party for my own use...

I spent some time with my neighbor yesterday, we hung out by the pool and barbecued with 2 ladies from her church, and her son, and some of the neighborhood children. (Whoa - total "about face" on that one!) Did a bit of bible study (first time ever) and watched a movie. It helped, but I have a long long way to go here.

I don't know what H has been up to...haven't talked to him since Saturday night, I did send him an email today telling him I'm glad I met Sandy, but feel it is best for me to stay out of the equation at this point. (I know - cringe!)

Will I stick to that? Given my track record, probably not. The thing is - I know that he loves me. It is not a perfect love, and he is not a perfect person, but neither am I. There is something between us that is just beyond both of us to deal with or even truly respect right now. It saddens me greatly, because neither of us has been able to make a stand thus far and call it quits. We are so very much alike. He is not evil, or "stringing me along". His is afraid to be with me, and afraid to be without me. I feel the same way, and we are stuck in this together.

I wanted to blame him, because I felt it would make it easier for me to feel like the "righteous one" who has been wronged, when really it is just as much my fault as his for the continued manipulation and not sticking to "no contact". I've been doing the same to him that he has to me, and what I said in my apology holds true - I am just as bad as the jerks we write about.

We can call this an unhealthy relationship, and yes, that it accurate. Maybe this is just totally codep talking, but I do believe he has a good heart and has tried his best. As did I.

I don't know what comes next, but thanks again for all the love and support. You know what's funny - my boss sends out general update emails every morning, and always includes a non-secular, appropriate for the work environment, inspirational quote. Today's was: When the blind lead the blind, they will both fall into a ditch.

I hope H and I are able to open our eyes before that happens.

Thanks for letting me get this out...

D dog

August 29, 2005
7:55 pm
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Absolutely love the quote D dog...I think I will borrow that...

Big hugs...you'll be okay girl!! One day at a time for everyone here.

August 29, 2005
8:05 pm
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D dog
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Thanks SS...ya now, it keeps happening...just when I think I've got to the bottom layer of the "onion" that I am...

Peeling, crying, peeling, crying...where the heck is the core of this thing??

Therapist appointment Thursday. Looking forward to it!

August 29, 2005
8:07 pm
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Honey, when you find it...let me know.

August 29, 2005
8:27 pm
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D dog
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Roger that.

The therapy thing...I need to stick with it, and not go, "Okay! One time! I'm cured!" That's what I did with AA. How funny, I want to go back now and tell them, I bet they've all done that as well, in the beginning, and can probably really relate and help me.

Can I say something here? I am really scared. I don't want to leave "old" D dog, because I love her, but I want "new" D dog to be someone better, and clean, and whole.

This is so hard. Why? All the advice that has been given to me here has been true and right. So WHY do I ignore it and continue in my self-destructive ways? It's like, okay, you asked for the answer, here it is...and yet I run like a deer in the woods.

what is up with that...

Anyway, no need to reply, I have to get into my own head and heart and explore this...I definitely need professional help, and am at least proud of myself for seeking it out. And I really want to go back to AA. Now, not because I feel like I "should" or "I have to", just to hear from them that I am not alone.

Thank you SS.

August 29, 2005
8:32 pm
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Maybe you should go to Alanon instead of AA? Yes, stick with the therapist...I do know that every time I leave her office I am so empowered that I can take on just about anything or anyone. But I do feel that I am learning my coping skills now on my own pretty good. Like tonight with dufus and his text messaging. Didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how to handle that...and I did just fine.

August 29, 2005
8:56 pm
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Hi D-dog,

I just wanted to respond to a couple of the things that you said.

First, I would like to say, that I understand how you feel about H. I'm sure that he is not a bad person. I stood by my boyfriend, always using the "reasoning" that he was a good person. And ya know what....he is. I always knew he had in him to be the man that I knew that he was, and I chose to stick it out and we are together still....not perfect, but more healthy than we've ever been. He made the changes that were necessary (as did I) to make our relationship work. However, I do not believe that would have happened if I did not make the decision for myself that I wanted a healthy life. I set boundries and I stuck to them.....it was his decision to come along for the ride.

I would never suggest that anyone leave a relationship (unless they are in danger) or to stay in one, for that matter. That is a decision that we must make for ourselves.

I would also like to comment on the whole AA thing. You're damn right they would relate. I'm willing to bet that 99 out of every 100 people there will tell you that they left AA at one point, thinking they could do it on their own, only to find themselves back there somewhere down the road. There is no shame in that....the only shame is those that never make it back there.

Go....let them be there for you. Let them share their stories with you. Go in there with your head high and be grateful that you have that opportunity.

And don't worry about the "old" D-dog. You'll have the memories.....some that make you laugh and some that make you shudder...lol. But inside, you are who you are. You shown yourself here to be a wonderful, caring, funny, mature person with a lot of character.....and that isn't going to change. Being sober is not the end of the world. It is the beginning of a new one. Try it, you just might like it.

Love,
Lolli

August 29, 2005
9:13 pm
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Hi Lolli -

Well, I have just burst into tears. Will re-post when I recover.

Thanks for that, I know it is the right path for me, just haven't had "the courage to change what I can".

Needing it now, and thanks for showing me the road.

D.

August 29, 2005
9:36 pm
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D dog
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Hye, I just looked up AA meetings in my area, found one that can I go to tomorrow after work.

They all have "names" for their groups - there was one called "Drunkin Donuts!" I kid you not, it almost made me wet myself! Wish I could attend, but it's a mid-morning group...mine is called, Park Central, At Hospital.

Sure it will be just as beneficial, but I love a sense of humor in the face of adversity.

Well, I have to admit that I have poured a "last hurrah" for myself, and will now be signing off in keeping with site rules and my respect for all who are here.

Lolli - thank you for your help - you don't even know me, and yet you are offering me love and support...that's what made me cry. In a good way.

Bye guys - I will report tomorrow on day one of sobriety...here I go, hating it but ready...

D dog

August 29, 2005
9:47 pm
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D dog
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I just called my neighbor, and she is going to go with me.

We both need it.

Of course, my sense of hunmor burst forth, and I was like, "Hey! After the meeting, let's go out and get f**ked up!!

Good laugh, that, but I know in my heart that this is what I need to do. And her, too.

Thanks again - and goodnight.

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