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To late??
February 7, 2000
6:07 am
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romeo
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I'm a 58 old male. I recently retired after 35 year's as an accounting clerk in a large mill.I've also been married for 35 years and I have two great sons.Now for my problem. My wife has always had problems. She has been to re-hab twice for alcoholism.Without going into too much detail she has put me through hell.Nobody can change the past however I'm still living with her insanity. She can barely walk and the doctor told her to lose 100 lbs. In her usual insane way she cries but won't stop drinking the low alcohol beer that I blame for giving her weight problems.
I try to detach but it's not easy.
I have a decent pension but if I leave now I would suffer financially and I will be dumping some of these problems on my boys.
As for counseling she says "been there, did that". I've hung in there so far, and tried to look after me. Is it to late to bail out now? Will I be looking after me If I leave or stay?
PS. I'm not a handsome man and I don't have a girl friend.

February 7, 2000
6:29 am
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hazza
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Hi,
You are still young! you need to try your best to explain to your wife that unless she faces up to her problems you are not always going to be there for her being her enabler.
All the time you are doing eveything for her she doen't have to get better does she.
You have a right to have a peaceful happy life, talk to you wife and sons.
take the first steps in saying something has to change here, go look at some web site on alcohol and co-dependency. read up as much as you can, but unless you decide that you don't want to continue life like this nothing will change. Most alcoholics have to reach rock bottom and lose things they really care about before they realise that they must do something about their problems
Take care
and let uis know how things are with you
Hazza

February 7, 2000
8:00 am
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romeo
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I've been reading threads here for a long time and just got the courage to post.Because I kept the family home together when my wife left to find herself in a nearby larger city (3 times), my sons are behind me 100%.
Luckily I'm an avid reader. I've read all of Melody Beattie's books on codependency, which have been a great help.My wife is at the point where she says this is who I am take it or leave it. I guess the balls in my court. Because of my accounting background I'm very aware that if I leave it could be very expensive.I have a good pension, a nice home all paid for and money in the bank. However my life is like a guilted cage.I keep asking myself what I have to gain by leaving. Thank you Hazza for response.I need the views of outside observer. All the best to you.

February 7, 2000
8:14 am
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hazza
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Hi romeo,
i too am an accounts clerk by trade! i also am aware of the problem we have as a profession of knowing the cost of everything but the value of nothing!

You have the choice, stay or go?
why not ask your wife to leave? why not live seperately in the same house. she has her life you have yours? I don't know the answers, but what is she stopping you doing with your life, why is the house your prison? Do you wish to be free to find someone else? why are you and your sons allowing her to say you must accept her the way whe is, does she contribute to the family income, are you supporting her? feeding her? buying her booze for her?
You do have a choice, emotionally you do not have to take it, finacially there are many ways of being more independent, why can't you ask her to move out?
its great that you have read up on co-dep issues, you know what to do so that you are not helping her in her own downfall.
My partner has alcohol issue too, i know the pain it causes, does your wife understand that she cannot have the best of both worlds, why should she have the love of a family when all she does is hurt them?
Let me know more about her and how you live yourlives at the moment, sorry if i sound harsh! i understand that you dont want to leave, and why should you? but why should you live with her if she won't even try to get help anymore? what do you do with yourself now you are retired? do you live a life independent of her?
Take care
Hazza

February 7, 2000
10:56 am
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romeo
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My two sons are both married and gone from home so the innocent bystanders are gone.I quess when I was working my home situation wasn't as important,most of my social contacts where at work.I don't allow her to stop me from doing any normal health things that are good for me.I visit my family, read, and work on my computer. I hope to work/play outdoors more this summer. As for finding someone else. I wonder what a normal healthy relationship with a functional adult is like. I can only imagine. My wife doesn't contribute financially to our home.
You're suggestion of having a separate life under the same roof was very interesting. I saw a psychologist about a year and half ago, and he suggested the same thing.
He said if nothing else she has been a good bad example of how not to lead your life and he suggest I plan somethings for myself. My wife is diabetic, has a bad back and is in general poor health, she doesn't see where she is hurting anyone but herself. She also over medicates but I have a drug plan with my retirement so that is well covered.If she moves out I lose half of everything and my medical plan wouldn't cover her.
My wife and I live like brother and sister, we are polite with each other, we don't fight, we just don't have a relationship. She drinks that near-beer .05% garbage so she doesn't get drunk. I guess she's a dry drunk.
I have my office in the basement, where I keep all the things important to me and a spare bedroom if I want to use it.
Now that I'm retired I look after and and visit my elderly parents,babysit my grandchildren and help my family
and anyone who can use a hand, keeping in mind my previous history of codependent behaviour.I may wait until summer and see if being retired in the summer will make a difference.
A big thank you Hazza for getting me to talk and think.

February 14, 2000
9:48 am
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hazza
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romeo,
how are things going?
hazza

February 14, 2000
12:17 pm
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bel
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Hi Romeo,

You ask what have you got to gain by leaving? Your sanity for one, your happiness and a new lease on life. Your wife said this is me take it or leave it, and you have been taking it for 35 years now. You have shown her you were there for her and nothing has come of it, I think you should leave and try to find you. Your sons are grown and they should not feel the burden as much as you think. If your wife sees your serious she may rethink her ways and hopefully look for some help for herself. They say some people have to hit rock bottom before they take any kind of action, with you leaving that might be it for her. Just my thoughts...Best Wishes to you Romeo...

Always
Bel

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