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To INVISIBLE
February 3, 2009
4:54 pm
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_anonymous
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Invisible- No it does not mean that everyone who is in a relationship or who helps others is co-dependent.

The difference between a healthy person who helps others and has relationships with them and a codependent is the type of people they choose to help and the type of relationships they have.

For example a healthy person's only goal will be to help an alcoholic or addict but they do not want to have a relationship with them or have sex with them or get emotionally involved with them or expect anything emotionally, or sexually from them in return.

A codependent's primary goal is to help an alcoholic or addict with strings attached. They want to have a relationship with them, and expect to get something emotionally or sexually from them in return.

Now, can you see the difference?

From a psychological stand point a healthy person realizes that an alcoholic or addict has a serious problem and is not relationship material. A co-dependent is attracted to this type of person with the intentions of having a relationship with them.

A healthy relationship is give and take, give and take. With alcoholics and addicts its all take, take, take. Yes they can throw a crumb here and there but their priority and allegience is their addiction. If given a choice they will take from you, your heart, money, and soul if you let them and trade it for their addiction.

Please listen to your inner voice and feelings in regards to the fact that you dont think she cares or things are not mutual and listen to them.

You are a wonderful person and you're feelings are way to precious to give to someone that is sick and cant give anything back in return.

It is very painful for us to accept the fact that we have given our hearts to someone as careless as an alcoholic can be with them.

Guard your heart. Protect your soul.

February 3, 2009
5:59 pm
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Destinystar1204,

I like this site, do you like the forum?

February 3, 2009
6:53 pm
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invizble
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((Harlequin))
Thanks for the moral boosting post! The job is going to be alot of work for very little money and itseems their rules are more important than getting the job done. I have been self employed for the last six years and its hard to start liviing by a rulebook so that they (the company)can make alot of money. It is going ok so far. I was impressed by the wonderful benefits they have. Its been a while since I had med, dental, life or vision insurance.

You are right about me. Don't let me sound as if I am bragging or anything of that nature, but I am a nice guy. There aren't many of us left. Only me and a guy in Wyoming named Fred. We are the last of a dying breed. I see more and more guys as I get older who could care less about their fellow man or woman. Guys that think they are superior to women and believe in their heart they are better. I'm not like that. I know we are all human beings. I was raised with alot of female influence (go figure) and maybe it made me realize that everyone deserves fair treatment.

I am glad to see someone else sees what I saw in CO-D no more. It hit me like a brick! I thought, "Hell, everyone fits this mold" but I understand also that these are traits that someone "may" possess who is co-D. Thanks for your support and your post!!

((Destinystar))
Thanks for the posts and all your help!!! I really do look forward to your posts and your advice!!

I read the book because I understood it to be tying co-d's with alcohloics and druggies. I thought, Hmm maybe I could learn something since I had certainly had a relationship[ with both, though both sorta hit me after the fact. It was a great book. I found some similarities in myself and many characteristics that have helped me learn myself better. Without reading the book, I would've not dug deep to find the solution to issues I was only faintly aware of such as my low self-esteem and that searching for bottles was bad behavior. From what I see, Co-d's look for alcoholics and druggies to be with. That was absolutely not the case here. I was married when blind-sided by the ex's problem. I tollerated it for about a year, but hell, we had 18 yrs behind us and I thought that was only fair to us all. I was already romantically involved and even falling for K because of her "healthy" qualities and was totally unaware she had a problem. Granted, once I found out, I did try to help her. Thought thats what you did. I cared for her. I think I actually became co-d during our relationship. I was falling in love with this girl, had been intimate and thought she was pretty well ok with her "problem" I saw no evidence at the time so thought it must be not much of a problem. When I did find out, I thought she could control it and I would even help her. (Only til I read Co-d no more, did I find out that was unhealthy behavior.) I really do care for her. I have cared since day one. I didn't want to leave her in CA because I hated her. I just felt like she wasn't working hard enough or wasn't willing to work it. I thought she must not care enough about our relationship to stop. (more cd characteristics) I knew I couldn't continue with it, but when I left and found out a week later she decided to go into rehab, I really do believe she wants to quit. I have always felt that way. She has said to others that she wanted to quit but needed help. So, I do know she has the desire to stop. Since I saw her making an effort to control her drinking, I felt drawn to give it another chance.

Since I decided to retry this again, it has been hard being without her. I miss her. Thats the jist of my whole story.
So, was I co-d only since I met K? Am I even Co-d? Are my feelings normal or natural? I feel like the feelings I've had are natural. Maybe not real healthy, but I never had these feelings prior to my relationship with K.

So, wassup??!!

February 3, 2009
9:06 pm
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Harlequin
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Nviz,

No problem!! Thank you so much for responding to me. Great news about the job too. It may take a while to get used to working for someone else, but I'm sure you will do fine!! Good benefits are definitely something to consider when looking for a job. That's quite a commute you are going to have? Am I right? Is that the job you took with the long long drive?

You and that Fred in Wyoming!! Whatever!! Hahahahaha. It is nice to know that there are at least two of you sweethearts left in the world!!! You so rock. No, I don't think you are bragging Nviz- you just know who you are!!

There's nothing wrong with considering some of the Codep info in the book, but it sounds pretty grim, doesn' t it? Like incurable? If you help anyone with an addiction, you are enabling them. If you gave them a ride to rehab, and they still had alcohol or drugs in there system, it would still be enabling them I guess!! If it makes you sad to see someone you love struggling with an addiction, you are SO CO. I get the impression some of the people at this site consider that book to be a manual or a bible of sorts. Reading it helped me to see myself in relation to my ex a little better, but I guess you could also say I am highly sensitive to the people I love and I want to help them. That's normal. I don't think its normal to call these poor people monsters or evil. I can't hardly throw people away just because they have problems. that may mean I'm codep, or it might mean I'm old-fashioned. Not the ME generation. It's just whatever name you want to put on it. I guess.

You sound like you have your eyes wide open about your girlfriend and will be able to state your boundaries when you need to. She is one lucky lady to have you in her corner, Nviz.

February 3, 2009
10:03 pm
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Well, thank you very much Harlequin!

Man! You're an ego booster! How much do you charge? You should write poetry or songs or something! That kinda made me feel good inside!

Yeah, I took the job with the long commute. The co is going to help me(?) out with the commute by keeping me out on the road longer to prevent me from spending so much on gas. (Gee thanks!) It will help, but I hate the road! I have been on the road for about 3 1/2 years now and I'm pretty tired of it. I'm ready to just go to work and come home. I will do it until I can get up enough $$ to relocate closer to the job, then tell them, "hey keep me local!"

Yeah, I'll tell Fred you said hi if I ever run into him. 😉 I'm actually pretty old fasioned too. My Mom was 37 when she had me, so I'm a late-in-life baby. Well, I'm no baby anymore, but I was. Anyway, I think she instilled alot of old fasioned values in me. I open doors, pull chairs, light cigs, say thank you and please, I am polite and courteous, and I also listen when someone needs someone to listen to them. I don't think those things are unhealthy character flaws. (My Mother would be appalled to hear someone say that). She believed she taught me right. I like to think so too. Maybe I am alittle Cd. I mean, I did have a wonderful close relationship with my Mom. She was my best friend, didn't have a Dad, so maybe I look for the love and attention I got from my Mom. But I can't see that its unhealthy. It would be unhealthy if she abused me and I looked for that in women now. I love to spoil and be spoiled, but I have never begged for the love. Its not worth it if you have to beg for it. I like to be surprised with it.
In my present situation I am very attracted, very caring and very loving to my g/f. She can be VERY loving and caring for me as well, but I feel her alcoholism made her not only ignore me (and my feelings about it as well) but made her recluse to herself. That was disturbing. Now she's in rehab and for a while, it seemed to be all about what was going on in there and her friends and I was beginning to feel like she forgot I was at home mising the hell out of her. But, for recently, she has started talking about nothing but how much she can't wait to come home and see me. She said, Don't worry about the bills, I am coming home, getting my old job back and we will catch them up. So, at least she seems to be taking responsibility and also is showing her feelings for me. I think she has seen somewhat a change in my attitude once I started taking some of the advice from these people here. I try and use that to which I KNOW applies to me and my situation, and pass on the stuff I'm not real certain about, at least for now. After reading CD no more, I felt like maybe I do have issues. I had many of the symptoms, though many I didn't, so I'd put out my story and see what happens. So, here I am. Worse off than ever! (just kidding)

So, whats your story? Why are you here? What brought you to this site? Was it Co-dependency no more? Has the advice and support here helped you?

February 3, 2009
10:08 pm
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Invizible- Your feelings are your feelings. And you have a right to experience them on whatever level you are experience them.

You ask if you are codependent or if you are not codependent. That answer lies within you.

The fact that you were led to the Codependent book and read it then found this site and have been posting on it tells me that you're a smart man who knows wassup.

The fact that you feel responsible for her decision to drink or not. She does need help, she needs to learn to help herself and she will never get to that point until there are no more enablers left to help her. The answer to her problem lies within her. She will only quit when she decides she wants to quit not because someone is forcing her to do it.

See if K was in AA and stood up in front of the group and told them she wanted to quit but was waiting for someone to help her they would poke holes in her story. A recovered alcoholic would tell her straight up that that was an excuse and if she really wanted to quit she would do it on her own. She should do it on her own and needs to do it on her own.

The best thing I ever did was to leave my husbands recovery in his own hands and let him know I had my own problems and issues to deal with. I suported him by telling him that i trust him with his own recovery.

You say you never felt certain feelings until you met kay. You also felt she was possibly narcissistic. Please look up Narcissistic personality Disorder on a search and read it. It will tell you all you need to know. First of all you are very smart and perceptive. Second of all this feeling that you describe is it something like before you felt like your life was in black and white and then when "K" came along it was almost like seeing life in technicolor? What you are saying is almost the text book response of someone who has experienced a narcissit or alcoholic. The adrenaline rush from all the chaos, confusion, and drama they bring into your life is almost intoxicating. This is a case where you cant trust your heart but you can trust these feelings that something is not quite right with her.

You can also type into a search "How to Deal with an Alcoholic" and see if there are any more words of wisdom.

We miss the alcohlic they way they miss their booze. We are as addicted to the alcoholic as they are to alcohol. We are 2 sides of the same coin. In as much need as help as they are.

Here you sit in in an alcoholics wreckage. You need help, who is there for you?

February 3, 2009
10:13 pm
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Halequin- I love this site. It has brought me out of the deepest, darkest depths of denial and has helped me identify and accept my issues. The quality of my life is much improved thanks to this place and all those that have taken their time and effort to guide me on my path out of codependency.

But its a personal choice to stay in codependency or to live a life free of it. No one can make that decision for another person.

February 3, 2009
10:33 pm
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Well, Destinystar, you are there for me, of course!

The puzzle which you described as black and white vs technicolor, is somewhat different for me. All the pieces don't seem to fit.

My life WAS pretty much black and white with the ex. When color was introduced to the marriage (her addiction) I tried to adjust my set, but couldn't get my old black and white picture back, so I tossed it. I went without tv for a while and didn't like sitting looking at the walls, and when I found K I thought I saw a black and whit picture. When the technicolor was introduced, I tried to adjust the set again. this time, I didn't want to throw out the set. I wanted to fix it. I didn't enjoy fixing it, though, since I'm no tv expert and I was real scared about electrocution, or maybe doing worse damage to it. I knew I didn't like the chaos of the broken set, so I finally tossed it, after the chaos was too much to handle. Now, the same tv is in the shop hopefully being repaired. I just want to watch Andy Griffith in black and white!!!! I could go out and get another tv, but whats the guarantee it'll work? I have grown to like the tv I have as long as it works fine. So, isn't it normal to give the techs a chance to fix it and try it again? Who knows I may even be able to pick up a digital signal once its repaired.

February 3, 2009
11:16 pm
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Nviz,

I don't charge you nothin!! It's enough to know that I made you feel good inside! Yes, please tell that Fred I said helloooo. Is he single? ; ) I really like your sense of humour.

Maybe you could learn a foreign language on the commute? Do you live in any state that speaking Spanish would benefit you? Listen to educational CDs? You could make the time productive some way.

I think that there is an inter dependency with all loving relationships and that it is normal to be that way. But when you hinge all your happiness and well being on anothers? When there mood for the day affects yours? Then thats codep and maybe not so healthy. When what you do keeps the one you love locked in the same patterns and vice versa. Be aware though that she may promise you anything to get you back where she wants you and needs you. I've been there. My ex was a drinker used cocaine AND cheated. He made all kinds of promises the morning after. When he got caught. Especially uring rehab. I wanted so badly to believe him. He was so sweet (when he wanted to be) so handsome and it had been so good at first and I wanted to clutch those good feelings to me. never let them go. I started feeling like a failure when he didn't keep his promises. like it was my fault. And I felt stupid when I knew it was never going to get better. It was hard for me to forgive myself. She may be making promises because she is scared to think of life without alcohol and life without you. Also your dynamics with her are changing. they may be so different when she gets back that neither of you will know how to be around each other. Lots of times, relationships don't weather the storm of rehab, once the addict is out. It will be different.

I wonder if theres too much color with the set that's in the shop?

I posted my story on the Telling Our Stories thread this morning. I didn't have a father around either. My mom was always dating and never home when I was younger. The only parents I really had until she married were my grandparents, who died when I was a teenager. I probably look too hard for male approval since I didn't have a father in the home.

I came to this site in November, and I mostly read these days. I read the thread on Narcissism and the ones that women are discussing getting back into dating. I have been thinking about that, but I'm nervous to do it. I meet plenty of eligible men at my job, I have offers you know, I would love love love to have someone spoil ME, but Im kinda shy about dating now. I guess I am trying to work up my courage....

Thanks for asking, Nviz.

February 3, 2009
11:49 pm
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The one thing that bothers me with my situation Destiny, is how can I be addicted to the chaos when its the chaos I hated? It was the normal life I was striving so hard to maintain. Both the ex and K brought pain and I wanted to remove the pain. I did with the ex, and tried to just fix the problem with K (because she admitted she had a problem) thinking I could stop the chaos. I realize now I cannot control or fix the problem. It took alot of dead ends to figure it out, but I have accepted the fact that I can't do anything whatsoever to prevent it or solve it.

February 4, 2009
12:32 am
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invizble
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Harlequin,
Oh, did I mention Fred was gay AND married? LMAO!

I'm taking what you say to heart! I am holding onto the advice about hinging on their happiness. I'm letting that sink in.

I'm also leary of the quick-fix of rehab. I know they didn't simply pump her with a miracle anti-alcohol drug. I know she is going to continue to apply the things she learns while there. I know they get her all excited and positive and then she has to return to the real world. I am very watchful and aware of whats ahead. I don't think she's being dishonest about her recovery now, while in rehab. she might be over confident or still in denial, but she says she knows she can do this. She may be different when she gets out. In many aspects, I hope so. I hope she is stronger and closer to her higher power. I hope she plans on working the steps and "really" working them. I support that! If not, and if it was all a ploy to get me to come back to her, I'm not holding onto any her any longer.

The being without her is hard, very hard. I feel the reason its so hard is that I am not in a detached state right now. If I was to tell her goodbye and its over, I will be hurt, but will also know I am free of it. Right now, I am still tied to her, yet seperate. Thats whats so hard, the pergatory feeling. I am very hopeful for her recovery. I am also prepared for the final departure, if needed.

Now, people can pass a mood upon another and ruin their day without it meaning you're co-d. How many times has the person at the drive thru, or the bank or department store been a real rude butt, and it just ruined your mood? I have seen people that enter a room full of positive energy that pass that on as well. Many people can pass on a smile and it can change the mood of others. It happens to many people and thats natural, I think. Now it would be different if one always looked at their significant other to see what kind of mood they were in before deciding what mood they would have for the day. THAT I can see as co-D and very unhealthy!

My Mom never dated after my Dad died. I didn't really know him, but from what I've been told, he was abusive to her. I think thats why I tend to want to be so good to my women is that I don't want to cause the suffering and heartache my Mother went through with my Dad. I want to give women a good life, the one my Mom deserved. She trained me right. She would always tell me, "don't do this to women", and "don't ever say that to a woman..." along with many stories she passed on to me about the abuse and the torture. I felt like a person as good as my Mom needed a good man. And for my woman, I would like to show that men can be good.

Good idea about the educational tapes. I used to get those books on tape, but sorta got tired of them. I have plenty of entertainment, tv (color) and movies and such, its just the long hours and being away from home for so long. I like being home. Traveling is fun, but I've done it for a long time and I am ready for a change. It won't be for long. I will move closer and put the long trips to a minimum. I need to learn spanish! I should take advantage of the time, huh?

Good luck with dating. I'm too old for the dating scene. Its funny, when me and the ex split, I had no intentions at all on getting involved with anyone. I didn't like being single, but still wasn't hitting the dating scene or trying to find a g/f. It sorta just crept up on me. I was involved before I knew it. Maybe that will be your case as well. It seems to be better when you don't expect it and it happens, rather than going out looking for it.

February 4, 2009
12:48 am
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INVISIBLE- Yes I am here. And yes sometimes bad things happen to good people. It is not your fault. You didnt do anything to cause your X to take prescription meds or K to drink alcohol. The answer to K problems dont lie within you they lie within her.

What Harlequen said about rehab is true. It is all any one posts around here how after the persons partner gets out of rehab it brings about new problems. Usually the end of the relationship. There is no upside to dealing with an alcoholic, people in rehab, or broken people in general.

What we need to fix is what is soooo broken inside of us that we would even spend a minute of our time on people like that. Its all about them. There addictions, their rehab., it is a marathon of heartache that doesnt end until we end it. Or sadly enough until they tell us they have it all figured out and dont need us any more.

I can relate to your feelings. I have feelings for an alcoholic too. One who is not drinking cause I took some drastic measures.

If either one of these people would have came to us on their own instead of at the end of our boot it might have been a different story.

The question I have for you is why are people like us who dont drink or do drugs spending so much time trying to figure out people that do? Why do people like us come home to an empty house while someone is trying to get right with themselves instead of coming home to a healthy person who is physically and emotionally there for us.

Heck all of the time we spend on the alcoholic we could have studied for a doctorate degree in something that could make a name for ourself in this world.

I am so glad you are getting back on your financial feet again. How do you feel now? I can tell you sound better.

It would probably be more realistic to think your black and white could pick up a digital signal than it would to think and alcoholic will bring you the care and fairness that you deserve.

Still cheering for you.

February 4, 2009
11:30 am
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Destinystar1204, I meant the other site you listed? How do you like that site? Do you use the forum?

How do you live YOUR life free of codependency?

February 4, 2009
2:24 pm
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Nviz,

WELL!!! If that Fred in Wyoming is married and not straight then I guess that just leaves you, huh? Hmmmm. And your not ready for dating? Ah that is some bad luck.

Have you ever thought of going to AlAnon while she is in rehab? It might help you to know what to expect while she is in there, and when she gets out. Have you ever heard of a dry drunk? If that happens, you don't know anything about it, it can be very confusing and scary. You will swear that she has been drinking, accuse her of it, and she won't have been. AlAnon can help by giving you some knowledge before hand about what to expect afterward. If she stays sober, she will probly still have some severe mood swings. You sound like such a gentleman. If she lashes out at you, you may not argue back, but only internalize it and blame yourself. Tell yourself she doesn't need confrontation right now. that's why I think AlAnon might be good also for support for yourself. Because right now, it is all about her, isn't it? That's all she can focus on. Not you two as a couple and how this is affecting you, but her. Thats how it was for me when my ex went to rehab the first time. And I so wanted to help him (us) I shoved my own needs to the side. That's how it was when he got out, too. He was as focused on himself in sobriety as he was when he was in the throes of his addiction.

I agree that someone's bad mood might change my mood for a minute or two but not to ruin the whole day. I mean, I work with the public get complaints and work with cranky coworkers. but I'm not going to let that determine my mood. Wouldn't that put us at the mercy of the crabby people?

Now you are NOT too old for the dating scene, you silly. You have a great heart and mind, I can tell. You never know what might happen. Do you? If it doesn't work out with your gf you may feel like being with someone else after you have taken some time to heal. I'm sure there are women who would love to be with you just the way you are. You just never know.

February 4, 2009
4:02 pm
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Thanks Harlequin,
Well, we all know women always go for the bad guys so that leaves me out. Thats ok though. If things go sour with me and my gf when she gets back, I will be ok. I don't anticipate the worst to happen, but I am preparing for it just in case. (does that make sense?) I am positive about the future. I will still have a job and a life and I will work toward improvement in other areas of my life.

As it stands now, I see a huge improvement in my own behavior as compared to a month ago, when I first came back from CA and had just split with the gf and she had just entered rehab. I was struggling to deal with finances and had a hard time focussing on things, while at the same time, missing her real bad. Now, I'm alot more content, feeling better about finances and not feeling so alone and empty without her. The gaps in my life are becoming filled with other, more important, things. I feel more secure, and alot more sure of myself. My self-esteem jumped into high speed once I got a job. I think that was a huge, huge, gigantic worry on my mind which may have magnified my need to feel secure.

Yes, I went to a couple of Al-non meetings since she went into rehab. It helped some, but I felt more suppport from this website, honestly. Al-non did teach me through the 12 steps, that the steps also apply to me. I thought they were just for the alcoholic. I am learning that I also was powerless over (HER) alcohol and that I need to learn to turn it over to a higher power. I think I've mastered the 1st step, working on the 2nd step now and I do feel better. I had never before considered myself as being powerless over alcohol. I didn't have a problem with it. But, yet, I did. It was the alcohol in her! That was exactly what I was trying to control. I remember the exact words the nice lady in Al-non said. She said, "you feel the need to control it. You want to stop it. You want to fight it. Right? Know that if you fight alcohol, it is very powerful and it will always win. Just let it go." So, I took the advice and decided that K is an alcoholic. There is nothing I can do about it. I can't fight it, and can't win if I do. I can't control it. ((Atalose)) told me on this website that I only have two choices. Either leave it or learn to live with it. She was right. There is no other choice. I know K will always be an alcoholic. The issues she may have associated with it I can accept. I know she will always have the urge, the craving or that little voice in her head. So, I will continue to look toward my higher power for acceptance of the things I cannot change.

February 4, 2009
4:16 pm
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I researched DRY DRUNK and I see that the suggestions to aid in recovery are great advice. It suggests get a hobby, get healthy, improve your mind, and spend time with family.

I think these are great suggestions for "anyone" with "any" psycological problem. I know that when K was doing her best at not drinking, and I was doing my best at not worrying about it, was when we spent time traveling and visiting places, like Savannah GA, London Bridge in AZ, and Nashville, TN. It really helps to take your mind off things to spend time together and sightseeing is a great way to do expend the energy that would be wasted on thoughts of alcohol. It brings you closer and puts the focus back where it should be, on life.

Thanks for the great advice! I will continue to research more on this subject. I really need to learn what to expect when K returns home, and whats expected of me.

February 4, 2009
6:28 pm
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Destinystar,
I finally found some time to do some research on alcohol recovery and was impressed at some of the things I read. I know that all the studies are etchy, but many of the results were positive, especially where inpatient treatment included behavioral training such as stress management therapy, assertiveness and communication skills training, behavioral self-control training, and behavioral marital therapy. One controlled clinical trial found that social skills training decreased the duration and severity of relapse after 1 year in a group of alcoholics.

K's treatment includes ALL of the above training. I thought it strange, myself, that she was having to attend assertiveness training. Evidently it shows positive results. That gives me optimism toward her recovery.

Its still up to her, I know, but at least the odds are not so against her. She has the ability. I am keeping faith in her.

Thank you for all your advice. I listen to you more than you think.

February 4, 2009
7:14 pm
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_anonymous
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Invisible- i am glad to hear that you are doing your homework. It will help you understand things better.

February 5, 2009
8:45 pm
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Harlequin
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Nviz

Yes you makes perfect sense. You are optimistic, but you don't wanna believe in a fairy tale. You seem like you are a realistic person, NViz, with your feet firmly on the ground.

It was hard for me because I got tangled in the whole cycle with my ex. When he went to rehab (one of the times) I felt lost without him. His addictions. Setting the tone so to speak for our lives. I didnt know what to do with myself without his drama and chaos. I think I must have confused all those emotions for love. without it I felt ignored. The waiting is so hard, isn't it? On the one hand, you want to give her the benefit of the doubt and every chance, but on the other hand, you are ready to start living your own life for YOU not her.

Powerless. It took me a long time to get this. I AM powerless to the physical affects alcohol has on my body and my mind. when I take a drink. or anyone else's. I am NOT totally powerless over alcohol because I quit drinking. I choose control over that, yes I can claim that power. I AM powerless (or have no control) over alcohol in other people's lives. I got it. I got it and I stopped beating myself up for not having control over my ex's drinking and drug use. Or control over him loving me or not loving me. Its almost like I had delusions of grandure thinking I could control that. If that is the meaning of codep, is that a huge power trip?

Nviz!! I don't want bad boys!! I'm getting to old for that!!! It seems like the nice men all want the bad girls!! Why can't the good guys pair up with the good girls I'd like to know. I live on the west coast and it seems like the men look at surface stuff. How I look, what I wear, drive, where I live and they don't seem to want to go much deeper than that!!

How are you feeling today? how's your job going so far?

February 5, 2009
9:27 pm
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invizble
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Hi Harlequin,

I'm doing well today. Hope all is well with you today too. The waiting IS HARD! As it gets closer to her return, the anxiety is buiding back up. I want to see her so bad, and I want things to be good and I pray so hard that it will be. But I am also determined that if it doesn't I have a plan B.

I am ready to get this job going and get some money coming in so that I can afford a new place. I want to get my A-1 credit back and restart a good life for myself. If things work out for K and me, I could use alittle help, but not willing to trade my soul for the assistance.

I see what you're saying with the addiction to the chaos, but there really wasn't alot of chaos in mine and K's relationship. Honestly. She would drink on occasion and I would get pissed about it (and she would ignore me when drunk) then she'd stop after the one nighter. Things would be ok for what came to be two month intervals, then she would drink again. It only lasted a night, but was enough to send my blood pressure into the the stratosphere. Then, she would straighten up for two more months.

I enjoyed the sober times tremendously! As time would approach the two month mark, I'd start the fearful feelings and start watching her. Well, she would only drink when we got to the west coast. (What are you guys doing out there??!!!) The chaos is what I hated about our relationship. It wasn't the chaos I missed. It was the laughter, the moments alone, the moments that we shared when she was sober. I certainly don't miss the stress! Since she will be back here, where there was little influence, and she attempted to quit on her own, before I started dating her, maybe there's a better chance of her recovery. I know the influence in CA was too much.

Not all guys are not looking for the bad girls. At least I'm not! I am deeper than that!!! I want a girl/woman that my mother would be proud of. I never dated the bad girls. If I had brought a bad girl home to meet mom she would have told me not to ever see that girl again! I've asked myself, honestly, what would mom say about K. I honestly think she'd say, "she loves you very much, but has a problem. She can do this if she really wants to. But your love for her and her love for you has nothing to do with it and if she's going to drink, she's going to drink. There's nothing you can do about it, so stop worrying about it. If you aren't happy, just come here and live with me...." (my Mom would have loved for me to come live with her. She was alone, and getting up in age. She and I enjoyed talking and had a wonderul relationship. I loved her more than anything in the world, and I miss her terribly, as the anniversary of her death approaches, but still, I would've never lived with her.)

I am not much of a catch for anyone right now, as I am in a financial crisis, and it will take me a while to crawl back out. So, I almost feel like any woman who wanted me right now would be looking for a man not worthy of a good woman. I am worthy, I just need to get back on my feet first. So, if things go bad with the gf, I will have no choice but to be alone for a while, until I can be the man I truly am, and not this broken down shell. I want to be at my best if I meet someone new.

K knew me before my finances were ruined so knows my potential and what I was, what I am, as well as what I will be again, and is willing to stick it out with me. But I truly believe she deserves better than I can give her financially right now. I have told her that and she got very mad with me, questioning whether or not I even love her for saying such a thing. How do you tell someone you love them so much, you think its best to leave them? I guess it didn't make much sense, so I dropped it. I am willing to live my live with her, but not FOR her.

February 9, 2009
4:35 pm
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marypoppins
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Harlequin,

You wrote:

"Harlequin
4-Feb-09

Destinystar1204, I meant the other site you listed? How do you like that site? Do you use the forum?

How do you live YOUR life free of codependency?"

Why did you refer to Destiny as Destinystar1204?

Seems she never answered your question either.

Mary

February 12, 2009
10:47 am
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Nviz, I wanted to check on you!! How you doing, how's the job, hows your gf?

Something happened!! For the first time in a loong time, I had a date this weekend. It was very nice, we went out to dinner then drove to the beach and talked for hours. He was a perfect gentleman to me. Like he seemed to genuinely want to know about me. And he listened. Im so glad he didnt press me for anything physical on the first date. I so hate that. He asked me if he could call me again. I told him yes. He has only called once to chat. The only thing's that I don't feel sparks. Whatever, it was nice to have a date that ended well.

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