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January 28, 2009
7:12 pm
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_anonymous
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Hi. Any good jokes?

Have you heard from your GF?

How are you feeling?

January 29, 2009
12:11 am
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invizble
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No jokes that I can think of, off hand. If I had your email I could pass on about a million good ones, though. I'm more into spontanious humor than memorized jokes. I mean jokes can be funny, but I feel that it makes people feel obligated to laugh as opposed to just saying something funny.

I'm ok. Alittle anxious about a few things. First the job opportunities that are coming forth, and I am forced to choose between bad and worse. I have a decent offer for a job where I can be home every night, and it pays ok, but it is a two hour commute. I also have a couple of other offers which are just as far to drive to but I won't be home but every two weeks or so. I am so sick of the road!!! The local job is a tanker job and I have 6 yrs experience at driving a tank, I like the work and its rewarding, so I'm leaning towards the two hour commute each way.

I hear from my girlfriend most everyday, and it is good to talk to her but its all about her and whats up with her and rehab. I mean, I'm happy for her and what she's doing for herself, but I have my own life to consider and so I am just nice and listen and when I have free time, I try to spend it thinking about my own life. She plans on flying home on the 11th of Feb (the day before my birthday) and I am looking forward to seeing her, but am also very leary of a future. So, I told her last night that if I wasn't able to get a job, I wouldn't stay here. I would move out and live with family so that I wouldn't burden her and be more or less a leach. She got pissed about that. She said if we struggle, we struggle together. Well, I am getting the mindset that I need to worry about myself and its hard to do both. Its hard to exclude her and include her. I'm struggling with that in my mind now, but I will work it out. I promise. I'm getting there. The job will be in place by then, so that will help. She doesn't have a job here, as she quit hers to go on the road with me last June, but she feels very confident that she can get it back or get one similar. She's a paralegal and hasn't had trouble in the past getting a job, but neither had I. But with some luck we will make it together. She's right. I can't be with her and be thinking single. But I know me, and if her little buddy comes back to visit, I'm gone. I'm gone for good. Its that fear that I try to supress and its that fear that keeps me from committing whole-heartedly to a joint future. I want it, really bad, but not stupid either. I will support her in and through her recovery. If she comes to me saying she's having cravings or needs to talk, or needs support, she's got it. She's never ever done that before. Why? I don't know. But if she decides to sneak away and have a nip, I'm done. It may not happen. SHe really does want to quit. I know that much. So, If she works it and it works for her, I'm happy for her and am willing to creap along until I feel comfortable enough to let my guard down. That may be a while. At least a year. It will take that long to get back on my financial feet again anyway, so Why not use the time wisely and get on my feet while she gets on hers. If she doesn't make it the year, I can still get on my feet without her and she knows that I will, so that would take care of any guilt I may have.

So, You live near San Diego? I was just there right before Christmas. Please tell me alittle about yourself if you want to be friends. I don't bite, I may cut up, but never serious. I won't hunt you down and stalk you, as I have enough female problems as it is. I may make you blush from time to time, but thats what I enjoy. I love to make people laugh and I love to find that thin line and bend it alittle, but never break it. I won't be rude, and I won't let you be rude, either. I will never intentionally hurt your feelings and if I do by accident, I will rapidly appologize.

So, Thats me in a nutshell, whats your story? Old man in jail....Alcoholic....I'm learning alittle about you, but didn't want to let on I was listening.

January 29, 2009
1:01 am
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invizble
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Damn! Thats twice I made the same mistake. I keep trying to go into the thread for the ((convict's girl)) and clicking on the poor lil ((young girl)) with the newlywed husband and giving her advice on convicts. She's going to think I'm crazy!!!
I have way too much on my mind to do this crap!!! This isn't the first mistake I've made like this. When My g/f and I used to email back and forth, I got in the habit of "replying" and several times I replied to the wrong email recipient. Once was my best friend. He replied back and said, I love you too dude, but that sounds so gay! Have you turned gay since you split with the ex? The other time was my sister, and she said, I love you too baby-cakes..mmmmmwwwaaa!

It was a kodak moment each time. I tend to type faster than I think.

If I tell you something totally off the wall, just know that I'm in the wrong thread and let me know what a dimwit I am. I can take it.

January 29, 2009
12:14 pm
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Invizible- I did notice that you had the same post on 2 different threads but it just looked like any other response people write.

I am happy to hear that you have several job offers to choose from. At least you already know that long hauls may not be for you. As you know with long hauls you dont have to worry about a place to live and can save money but trying to keep up with a relationship can be challenging.

If you take a job 2 hours a way you can relocate. Since your single you could find cheap housing or even rent a room somewhere.

You say you talk to your GF everyday and it is all about her. With alcoholics its ALWAYS about them. Exactly the way you described it. You cannot rebuild a relationship until you are 100% sure she will never pick up another drink of alcohol again. Remember the relapse rate is huge.

She talks about a future with you. Right now the only thing she needs to think about is not ever picking up another drink of alcohol again.

Since you are trying to restore your life to where it was before alcoholics and addicts were in it why do you need to give your GF an answer right now in regards to if you want to make it on your own or continue living with her? Maybe you could step back and tell her that you need your space to think things over and after she gets out of rehab you'll let her know.

I think it would be best for you to work on yourself, get back to work, live independently and then decide if you want to spend your future worrying about if this woman is going to hit the bottle again or not.

Alcoholism is a life long disease. It takes years before they loose the craving.

You should know a lot more after she comes for a visit.

I live in San Diego county. I love the weather but the cost of living is high and the job market is competitive. Since I am an RN I dont have too many problems finding a job. I am in school now doing some post grad work just to have something to do. I ride my pony for fun and take care of my sons.

The jail bird is an alcoholic. Before that a prescription drug addict and alcoholic. Life with him was nothing but chaos and confusion. With his brain soaked in alcohol he was always irrational and illogical not to mention irresponsible. I couldnt take it anymore. He got locked up in September. I haven talked to him over the phone since November. The more time I spend away from him, the more things I have in my life seperate from him the better off I am.

The only thing I can say about these alcoholics is you cant fall in love with their potential. In order to stay grounded in reality you have to open up your eyes and look at where they are at NOW. When someones choices are so bad that it lands them in rehab or jail....... Makes me think. No, I wouldnt hitch my wagon to that star. If you know what I mean.

Now we have to figure out what it is about us that choose an alcoholic and what it is about us that chooses to keep them in our life. I mean are these people doing anything to improve our life? I dont think so. Like you all I can think about is what if........... he picks up and uses again? Is this something I want or need?

I know your a good guy. And you deserve all the good things and people that life has to offer.

Remember her sobriety depends on what she does its not up to you to do anything but be supportive and remember you have no control over the outcome.

January 29, 2009
1:55 pm
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invizble
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Thanks for the reply.
At this point her returning is alittle more than a visit. I am living in her apt and keeping up her rent.

You see, after I split with the ex, I was sleeping in my truck. It was during this time I started chit chatting and came to know "K"(g/f). I found out she had (at least at one time) had a drinking problem. I discussed it with her. I wasn't looking for someone to take care of nor looking for someone with problems. I thought she was "normal". She would never ever give you the impression she has a drinking problem. Gorgeous, kind, thoughtful, funny, works for the local county courthouse, etc. so I had my doubts as to the seriousness of a problem, if there was a problem at all. She said, yes she used to drink really bad but that she was now in AA and hadn't drank in months. I guess to prove her story, I asked if I could attend the next meeting with her. She promptly agreed. So the very next night we went to the meeting. She obviously knew the people there. No one said anything indicating it had been a long time since her last visit or anything. I honestly believe if she was drinking during this time, she wasn't drinking heavily and was attending meetings regularly. At this time, I am still under the impression she is normal. If she has a problem and she is controlling it, that's pretty normal.

After a few months of talking and me living in a truck, It became a horrible life. Not really much more than existing. She offered me a place to stay. I was only home on weekends, by the most part. Our relation grew rapidly once I moved in. We talked every day and every night. I stayed here on the weekends and romantic nights and fun days were commonplace.

About 2-3 weeks after I moved in I noticed she sounded alittle funny on the phone, and "I thought is she drinking?" I asked her and of course she denied it. Didn't get angry that I asked or anything, just denied it. I thought her lack of rebuttle was odd. But she is the type thatt doesn't get upset at anything!! Then, one night she had a girlfriend come over whom I hadn't yet met, but had heard alot about. Her g/f supposedly didn't drink. Well, after a few moments on the phone while her friend was there she had to go but said she'd call me right back. An hour goes by, then two, so I tried to call her. Thinking maybe something was wrong. No answer. I txt'd her and got an immediate reply saying they were playing with the kids. I called again, no answer. I txt'd her and asked why she didn't pick up. I never got another reply all night. Of course that bothered me tremendously wondering if I did something wrong, if this girl brought guys with her, was K interested in another guy. All sorts of crazy thoughts began to enter my mind.

I was home the next day. I discussed it with her, and she denied everything, saying she was playing with the kids and then went straight to bed. I felt ignored, but she made it to me by showering me with love the entire weekend. Of course, I got over the dismay quickly.

The next time, I was going to stay the night in the truck even though I was only about 50 miles away at my home terminal. We were talking on the phone and I heard that difference in her voice again. I didn't ask a thing. I got in my pickup truck and drove home. Well, she was drunk. I started to leave immediately. SHe cried and literally begged for me to stay. Se cried saying she made this mistake and it will never...well, you've heard the rest.

This happened over and over until we went on the road together. Her idea. She loved riding in the truck. It was thrillinng for her. I could make more money and it would be a big stress reliever if someone could do my computer and paperwork for me and I could just drive. If I am with her, she wouldn't drink. (CD behavior) That was the plan. It worked until she found opportunity in CA.

I went into all that so that I could tell you that I am living in her apt and when she comes back home, she will come to her own apt. My credit was ruined after the divorce. I couldn't pass a credit check if I wanted to, in order to get my own place. I hate living with family and I do feel somewhat responsible for her not having a job. It was her idea, but I let it happen and was a part in it. So, I can stay and help her get back on her feet. If things work, they work. I'm not going to put my soul into it anymore. I had once wrapped my life around hers. That is no longer the case. I will be doing my own thing. When the time comes for me to move closer to my job, I will do so. If she has proven that she wants to live alcohol free, maybe she can move with me. If she has trouble with it, she stays.

Its the plan I have. It seems to solve many issues, and should give me both control of myself and my future. I won't be leaving her and feeling guilt for allowing her to quit her job and then dumping her out with nowhere to stay. She will be away from the influence in CA therefore more chance that her rehab will work. I will stick to my plan, and regardless of whether she drinks again or not, I will move with or without her. It gives me time to catch up my bills, settle in my new job, her time to get a job and of course the time we will need to learn more about eachother.

I now have learned so much about myself and how I got here, that it will be a new ballgame upon her return. I am thinking of me now. I am thinking of her too, but only because I feel I put her in the situation she's in with her home. Once I am free of that obligation, I am only obligated to myself.

Enough of me!!!! I hate talking about myself!!! I really had hoped to learn more of you and whats up with your liife. You seem to have it together. RN? COOL! My sister is an RN in Athens, GA. She's a supervisor. She's been in nursing for about 25 yrs. She has always worked Baylor(?)shift. She likes the money. Married a rich real estate broker and now they live on a big lake here in GA.

How long have you been a nurse? I feel a chest pain coming on...I might need alittle cpr.

January 29, 2009
4:16 pm
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Invizible- So when you meet her she is in AA. Why? Was it court ordered. Makes no sense if you are actively drinking to attend meetings. In spite of AA she still drank. So her attendance there was an exercise in futility. She meets you and lies. And only because you threaten to leave her does she go to rehab. Not cause she wanted to go.

An alcoholic is just one drink away from being an alcoholic. An alcoholic cannot just have one drink and stop or control their drinking. EVER.

The fact she was in AA drinking, and now in rehab just to shut you up is not a good sign.

With all the foreclosures everyone has bad credit. Most places will just ask for a down payment 3 times the amount of rent if you have bad credit. Most renters have bad credit period.

Part of codependency is feeling responsible for an alcoholic. It is classic.

I have had my nursing license since I was 23. I have no regrets about the profession I chose. Always kept me employed and the salary is above average.

My Uncle and his wife that drive a truck live on a big lake too.

Weather here was in the 80's today. Unbelievable.

Like you I am trying to tame this beast we know as co-dependency. I am doing a hella better, but I still have some more work to do.

January 29, 2009
4:53 pm
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invizble
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Man, you really make people work for the answers, huh? So how long ago was 23? šŸ™‚

As far as k, I have spoken to her ex. They were married for 10 yrs and her drinking started with him. He said she used to drink alot. Vodka everyday. Stayed drunk. I also know her ex boyfriend, He says for a fact, he knows she wants to stop. She drank while dating him over their 4 yr relationship and thats what ended it. He said, and she concurs, She would go on a 4 or five day binges then stop for a week. Then, back on the binge. She was trying to quit when we met. I honestly believe that. I also believe she came to a point during our first months, that she thought she could drink socially / occasionally. She wanted to stop, and did improve her status greatly, but convinced herself she could handle it once again. Thats when I started noticing the drinking. She thought she was fooling me. The fact is, she's an alcoholic and she needs help. I had left her, been gone with no plans to return. She knew it was over and she knew why. It wasn't that she got totally wiped out when I left. She probably had only the one beer she claims. But it was proof to me that she needed it and it sent me packing. If she went into rehab for me, or for herself, it will truly show its colors soon enough. If she quit because she wants to change her life, she will. If she quit for me, I'm not flattered because it wasn't for me that she drank and she won't be able to quit for me. I am well aware of that. I will be here for her when she returns and she will stay sober or drink. I don't have control of that. I am working on the job situation now and thats my focus.

I got the job. The local job two hours away. I will be training in Chattanooga for the first week, then transfer to Gainesville, GA to work permanently. I will have to commute for a while so I am not looking forward to 4 hrs round-trip driving everyday, but I have checked out some rentals there and I think I can swing it.

I try everyday not to look back on how my life was, because it would've been miserable living with the addict, but I had everything. Nice house (which went into foreclosure)my own business(160k/yr) successful family, beautiful pedigree dog, friends, all the fun in life I wanted. I almost feel like leaving her was a mistake. She made sure my house was lost, my business went under and she maliciously destroyed my life because I couldn't handle her drugs any longer. She punished me for wanting to live drug-free.
Well, now I am having to start completely over at almost 46 yrs old and its the hardest thing I've ever done. I thought when I met K that things would start to improve. That things would be easier to live with, knowing someone cared. Knowing I had someone to lean on when I needed to. Now, she turns out to carry more problems for me to deal with.

I am going to work my way back up again. I feel like Scarlett O'Hara, I will never be hungry again if I have to lie cheat and steal, but I will remember these times and I will remember those who were a hand up and those who were a foot on my head.

I would like to say thank you to you for your care, concern and advice. I know you are truly watching out for me, and you have no ulterior motives. I know you are trying to help me make the right choices and through your experiences you know the outcomes. I appreciate it. I would do the same for anyone else.

So, tell me more about yourself. I would like to get a mental image. Tall, fat, short, skinny, blonde, brunette, redhead, old, young, from a big family, only child, Mom, Dad,...you know the basic stuff that friends know about eachother. I would feel more comfortable knowing just alittle about you. I feel really strange talking about my personal life to someone I will never even see. At least I could get an idea of who's advice I'm taking. Don't take me wrong, I'm not asking for a date. Remember I'm on the East Coast. I don't want to make you think I'm trying to come on to you, just want to know who I am spillinng my life to, thats all.

January 29, 2009
6:44 pm
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invizble
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When K was attending meetings, she was trying to quit, but giving herself a drink every now and then thinking that would help her cravings. She thought she could do it that way. Her attendance to AA was completely voluntary. No court order or influence by me, or anyone else. She had been broken up with her ex boyfriend for over a year and she wasn't dating anyone. She dated one guy about 6 mo prior to me but it only lasted a month or so. I feel like she really wants to quit, but just needs the proper help and guidence. She thought showing up for the AA meetings was going to help her quit. She never worked it. Now she is working it in rehab and I can tell a difference in her whole attitude. But I'm not slipping down that slope again. I am still leary and watchful. I am not planning on any future with her until I feel she is totally without cravings.

So, just what issues are you having with co-dependency? You seem pretty together to me. I mean, you've seperated yourself from the alcoholic, and you have a wonderful career. You seem to give all the right advice. What could you possibly be suffering from?

January 29, 2009
10:32 pm
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Invizible- If she was going to AA then she knew better than to think that taking a drink would help her cravings.

Do ya think her drinking had anything to do with the break up of her last two relationships?

Once an alcoholic gets sober that is just one piece of their shattered life. They still have the psychological problems, the family dysfunction, people and places that supported their drinking.

Please look up on the internet the success rate of recovery from alcoholism, and the relapse rate so you can go into this thing with your eyes wide open. Its usually nothing more than a revolving door and a roller coaster ride if you are in a relationship with one.

Right after they enter rehab which is a highly structured environment they go through detox and their mind suddenly clears up and they have this honey moon period. Here is where the problem lies. They go home and all the stress from the every day hassels of life await them as do their dysfunctional family members and drinking buddies. They will be OK until they get stressed out. Then BAM they come up with some excuse like I quit drinking for that man and now he is giving me a hard time so whats the use I may as well just pick up a drink again. First they tell you that they are going to the store and you wont see them til the next day so they can enjoy some uninterrupted drinking. The cell phone goes off, the lying begins. Then she is so sorry she will never do it again and well you know the rest.

I am here on this site for the same reason everyone else is to try and get the answers that I need. And I will tell you, the folks on this site really set me straight like no other therapist had done before. Call me an idiot but I married this man who was going to doctors for his bad back who were giving him duragesic, oxycontin, effexor, serequel, and vicodin. Then another MD gave him a pot card. Then he tossed all of that crap down with a case of beer. I kid you not with all of that going on I had no idea that he was a drug addict and an alcoholic. Since I do not do drugs prescription or over the counter or have more than one drink occasionally (the kind with whip cream, cherries and umbrellas) I had nooooo idea what was going on. Not until I came to this site. I believe this was about 1 1/2 years ago I'm not exactly sure. Every day of my life was filled with Chaos and confusion, I couldnt even think straight. I look back on those years and cant make heads or tails of anything. I lived in the land of DENIAL. It took my husband to tell me himself that I didnt do anything wrong all he did was pick fights so he could have an excuse to run off so he could do uninterrupted drinking. He told me that he knew it was causing problems but was so numb from the effects of alcohol that he didnt care. He admitted that he put alcohol first and it was his whole life. He admitted he wanted to stop but couldnt and was too ashamed to tell me. He admitted to making promises he couldnt keep and having black outs. I got so tired and exhausted from dealing with it that I called his probation officer and told him he was drinking non stop and she arrested him. He got 4 years in state prison. He will only have to serve 11 months.

Since that time I feel like I have been paroled from serving a life sentence with an alcoholic. For the first time in years I was able to organize my life, and have serenity. My kids and I are doing great. I have all my friends back. Everything is so relaxed and calm. The more time I spend away the more detached I become. My thinking is so clear.

When I was around him I felt anxious, uncertain, insecure. There were times I actually thought I was going crazy or I was going to die.

I was as addicted to his BS as he was to his alcohol.

January 29, 2009
11:37 pm
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I understand exactly what you were going through. My situation wasn't quite as extreme but similar in many ways. I don't feel addicted to K's BS. I truly prefer tranquility. I became addicted to her company. I became very lonely. I felt I needed her presence to make me happy. I was wrong.

I admire your courage in calling his PO. I am curious, was it due to a fight? Or did you just decide one day that it was the best thing to do? That took some nerve. I'm surprised he doesn't hate you for that.

I'm proud for you and what you've accomplished since your split. Thats very admirable.

I promise you this, had my situation been anywhere near what you described, I would have returned to my truck to live before continuing on with that.
My situation is much milder. She does not bar hop, nor does she hang out with people who drink. She's a lone drinker. When she drank, it was usually a one time thing lasting a day (maybe two) ((Whenever I wasn't around))then, back straight for a while. She would stop regardless of where I was, though. I could always tell when she drank, even over the phone, and there were many weeks she went without it while I was away. It was like she just needed that one episode on occasion to get her through. I know alcoholism is progressive, and I think she had once gotten to a point she didn't like and tried very hard to stop, but was on her way to rolling that snowball down that hill again.

I believe she had stopped before I met her. I think she did it and did it for herself. Her relationships were all over during this time, and I think her drinking got worse after her 4 yr relationship was over, then something happened to wake her up. Maybe a bad drinking episode, maybe a bad hangover, who knows, but I think she really had attempted to stop. I think she started AA on her own, then when the cravings returned she tried to manage it at a very low level. We all know that's not workable. She tried to quit throughout our entire relationship over the past year. She has shown improvement, she has shown great will, but not true success. The good thing is she is trying and trying at her own will. She knew I didn't like it, and tried to hide it from me, yes, but she has tried to quit for herself. I do believe that.

Her marriage was not broken due to alcohol as her ex is a druggie. He didn't care. Her 4 yr relationship after her divorce was broken due to her alcoholism. She was much worse then. Her old boyfriend told me she was 10x worse than she is now, and that she wanted someone to help her quit. She begged him to take her to rehab several times, but he said he couldn't afford it.

Again, she has made much improvement since then. The month long relationship after that didn't go far enough to be related to anything but incompatibility I think. The biggest issue I had with it, was not the amount or frequency, but that she HAD to do it, regardless of how much or how often, and that she lied about it. She has the bug. No doubt.

(Most) everyone in the world drinks at some level,(except for a few of us) and hers was not extremely high, but it was more than she could handle and thats the problem I had. She started lying about it because she didn't want to hurt me and didn't want me to know. I don't care why, my problem is the lies never stopped until now (I suppose).

The only person in her circle that drinks is this old g/f of hers and she has broken those ties. They no longer communicate and K disolved it because she wanted to rid herself of the influence. She has made alot of good moves toward recovery. I see the desire to stop in her. Her family drinks alot, but she will be returning here after rehab and doesn't want to return to her family until they get it together. She says if they can't, then she will talk to them on the phone.

I don't drink, and I will be here. My biggest concern is not her returning to drinking. Honestly. Its only a subject worth clarifying. Its my finances and getting them back where they belong that worries me most. If she drinks she drinks. If not, not. I can't change that. I have come to grips with that fact. I will not stay with her if the drinking continues or restarts. That I can promise. I will also not guard her from it, nor watch over her to prevent it. I will live my life and do what I have to do to take care of myself. She is welcome to ride along (figuratively) unless she drinks. The choice is hers of what she wants to do with her life. I am only going to be responsible for my own. But I have to bide my time and get my life on track. That will happen regardless of her sobriety. Right now, I will do what is best for me. Only from here on out, I have a different perspective of the outcome than I did a few weeks ago. I am controlling my own money, my own bills, my own expenses and my own future.

I don't miss her as bad as I did three weeks ago. Each day gets better and my thinking has become more solo oriented than ever. I don't worry about her future so much. I worry about mine. I worry about starting over and making sure all my T's are crossed and I's dotted. I am not concerning myself with her, other than what one might have concern for a friend who has been sick. I will treat her with respect and kindness, but I am treating myself to a new outlook. I think I'm going to like it. Its liberating. A few weeks ago, I was so depressed and missed her so bad, I couldn't function. Since I searched my soul for the cause and effects, I have made an all out effort to return to the person I was before I met her. A more independent person. One who loves and cares for others, but one that doesn't devote his life to the happiness of others alone. I don't look for things to work, just so I don't get any hopes up, so looking at it this way is safest.

January 30, 2009
1:31 pm
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When ones happiness is dependent on an alcoholics behavior if they drink, dont drink, go to rehab, change friends, etc. then it is the classic definition of a co-dependent.

My husband got out of jail for the second time in Jan. of 08. He drank non stop, took off constantly, loving one second, mentally abusive the next.

One day he was drunk and using 4 letter words at my kids outside of our house. When he got in my truck to go on a long trip I told him he couldnt swear at my kids or in my neighborhood anymore that I had had enough. He told me to pull over on the highway and let him out of the truck. So I drove 70 miles from where we started our trip and was 70 miles from our destination at an IN an OUT. Tried to reason with him and he says I'll go my way and you go yours. I got in my truck and took off. He was shocked. He had to walk 10 miles to a bus, then wound up at the house and called me. He was arrogant so I told him "your drunk, if your going to act like an ass dont call me again and hung up".

When I return home the next day there he is outside sleeping. I decided I had had enough. I demanded money for his living expenses that he gave to me (but tried to go to the bank and cancel the check but I cashed it first). Then he told me he was moving out. And left drunk in the middle of the night at the end of my foot. I called his probation officer and told her he didnt live at my house and I didnt want him and her drama at my house around my kids any more. Well he shows back up the next day. I gave him his own room. He ignores me day after day. I asked him what he planned on doing about the marrige and he said I dunno he was fine with the arrangement of having his own room and doing as he pleased. I ignored him. A few days later the probation officer showed up with 2 other law enforcement officials, saw him with beer sitting at the kitchen table, say open containers on the porch. they knock on the door, I let them in and they promptly arrested him charging him with a probation violation. I had already found another place to live 300 miles down south and we planned to leave 2 days after he got arrested.

Back at the ranch right after he gets arrested he writes letters begging me not to leave and blaming all his behavior on drinking. Claiming he will never drink again and go to rehab. Writing all these letters about how much he loves me and wants the marriage.

The problem I have is he never said one nice thing to me up until the second he got arrested and the past 2 times he got out of jail he treated me like garbage right out of the gate. When I asked him about all the letters he wrote he said that was in the past. He was nothing but a self serving, mentally abusive ass hole. We went to counseling and all he cared about is if I wanted to spend the entire summer with him 600 miles away in the national forest so he could fish and gold mine and live outside in a tent cause thats what he wanted me to do. I told him to forget it. So he just left one day without me or calling me. When he did that I started dating someone else he freaked out and came back. We have a divorce pending in court. It is set to be finalized in March.

I a do go to therapy and hope that by the time he gets out of prison I will have mentally moved on.

Believe me I totally commend you for taking care of yourself and putting your financial situation first. Focusing on something concrete and constructive will help you loads.

Like you I am slowly replacing healthy stuff with this alcoholics marathon of madness. The more time that goes by that he is gone the easier it is.

When you see "K" it will be a set back. Might want to do a lot of searches on alcoholics and get all the info you can about it in the mean time. An addiction is something that lies dormant in all of them even after rehab and can coil up, hiss and strike at any time. Dont let the help less puppy dog exterior fool you.

I think we are both in the same place with these people. Our heads tell us they are no good for us but it doesnt put a dent in the place they have in our hearts.

January 30, 2009
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I feel for what you went through. Good luck with your newfound interest. Maybe you have found someone you don't have to live in termoil with.

You are a wonderful person (least of what I know of you)and you have been very helpful to others. I know that is supposed to be a co-D symptom, but my mother raised me with that as a value and not a symptom. So I treat it as such.

I do appreciate your kindness and concern. Thank you for helping me to wake up and see whats in front of my face.

January 30, 2009
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Invizible- It helps if we can support each other. I really feel for you. Cause I know what you are going through and up against. Its tough. The worse part is the damage that an alcoholic does to their liver and brain. Irreversabel damage. They dont live long and if they do the quality of life is lacking. Being a nurse I cared for many people who abused alcohol and died a horrific death. Cirrohis of the liver is not a pretty site. Neither is the alcohol dementia where the ammonia levels build up in their brains cause their liver is too damage to detoxify it. Sad, really sad. At the end of the day spending time with self destructive people is nothing more than a waste of our time. After a while you begin to accept it a normal and when you go around normal people they dont want you to bring your partner or hear about the craziness that goes along with them.

I just want you to know that you have a lot going for you. And at this point in your life you cant afford to suffer any more losses at the hands of another addicted person.

Right now I am on my own. I know I am getting healthy cause I have been turning men away. Ones that I would have jumped on the band wagon for a few years back. For once in my life I have finally realized that being alone can be a good thing I have never had so much sanity and serenity in my life.

January 30, 2009
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I am so very happy for you!!

My sister used to tell me horror stories too. she has been in ICU for her entire 25 yr long career. she used to tell me all about the smokers, because I used to be one. Once I quit, she just talked about how she'll get attached to one of the patients and then they'll die. Its a sad career, one that I couldn't handle. She's told me about kids being in there and I've had to stop her and tell her that kids are my weakness and please don't tell me any heart-wrenching stories about a kid in ICU. I can't handle it. I'm an empath anyway, and to hear it makes me feel the pain. So, she keeps those stories to herself now.

Did you notice the young girl commented back to me about the FBI comment. She said she laughed. I didn't have the heart to tell her it was a mistake, meant for another thread. Just glad she could laugh about it. With me around, who needs cable?

January 30, 2009
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http://www.recovery-man.com/co.....mptoms.htm

Symptoms of Codependency:

Inability to know what "normal" is.

Difficulty in following a project through.

Difficulty having fun.

Judging self, others without mercy.

Low self esteem, often projected onto others. (eg: Why don't they get their act together!)

Difficulty in developing or sustaining meaningful relationships.

BELIEF THAT OTHERS CAUSE OR ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE CODEPENDENT'S EMOTIONS.

(Codependents often use language like "you make me feel ______", or "I was made to feel like____")

Overreacting to change. (or intense fear of / inability to deal with change.)

Inability to see alternatives to situations, thus responding very impulsively.

Constantly seeking approval and affirmation, yet having compromised sense of self.

Feelings of being different.

Confusion and sense of inadequacy.

Being either super responsible or super irresponsible. (Or alternating between these.)

Lack of self confidence in making decisions, no sense of power in making choices.

Feeling of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, and shame which are denied.

Isolation and fear of people, resentment of authority figures.

Fear of anger or bottling anger up till it explodes.

Hypersensitivity to criticism.

Being addicted to excitement / drama. (Chaos making.)

Dependency upon others and fear of abandonment.

Avoidance of relationships to guard against abandonment fears.

Confusion between love and pity.

Tendency to look for "victims" to help.

Rigidity and need to control.

Lies, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

Are you codependent?

Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More developed this check list:

Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?

Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?

Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you?

Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?

Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you?

Do you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with?

ARE OFTEN UNABLE TO STOP TALKING, THINKING, AND WORRYING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE AND THEIR PROBLEMS?

Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?

Do you stay in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you?

Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don't work, either?

January 30, 2009
11:12 pm
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Invizible- It feels good to laugh. A few of the responces to threads sound irrelevant so I dont think anyone noticed.

What is the latest update on your job situation. I know your sense of purpose and feeling of having control over your life will kick right in as soon as you start that rig up.

I have a lot of respect for truck drivers. I am amazed at how they handle them in traffic, back them up etc. Like I told you my mom drove one before she retired. She never had an accident driving in her whole life she has been driving since she was 16. Thats one thing I picked up from her I drive safe and no accidents.

When does your GF get out of Rehab? I think having to leave your life to go to one must make it stressful.

Have you looked up the success rates for rehabs on the internet. I have. Kind of gave me a reality check.

I know I am getting better cause I havent talked to my husband on the phone since November. I can visit him but choose not to.

Like you I have a sense of responsiblity to my husband. And like you I can look back and recall all the lying, and disappearing acts. Then I think why should I care about someone that never gave a damn about me. Oh I know they use the excuse that they did it cause they were drunk. What is your take on that? I think that we can be supportive of their efforts to be sober but they still have to take responsibity for their decision to drink alcohol. I dont think we should allow them to make it our problem.

January 31, 2009
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Well, I got 4 phone calls today congratulating me on a fine driving record, work history and resume. I could care less so lonng as they want me. They all want me to come to work for them. I was pleased. I still chose the "local" job with the commute. It is going to be the best thing for me in the long run. I will be hauling food grade oil. It'll be a new experience and I am very much looking forward to it. I have been excited all day! I meet with them on Monday afternoon and they will put me up in a motel for the week while I attend orientation and start training. Pay sucks during training, but I am willing to make the sacrifice. (an friend of mine used to say "short term pain for long term gain").

I have another friend who a few years back was job hopping every month. I told him not to do that, but he is very stubborn and his reply was I can't help who lies to me. I know, he's an idiot. Well, now its coming back to haunt him. He has been looking for work since Oct. and still can't get hired due to his work history. He's pissed because I got one in such a short time, considering the job market right now. I couldn't stress enough to keep your work history clean and never leave a job for less than two years. Some people have to learn the hard way. My work history is much like my relationship history. I worked at Hormel Foods for 13 years before I started driving. It pays to stay!

I can't wait to start the job! The commute is going to suck but I will just be happy to be back on track. I have been an owner/op for the last six years and haven't had health insurance since the ex lost her job about 4 yrs ago. We just couldn't swing $600/mo. Hell, she spent that much in scripts, maybe I should have taken it. šŸ™‚ I will enjoy letting someone else pay for fuel, repairs, taxes...etc. Its a headache I'm glad to get rid of. I think I'll be a co. driver from now on. I'm too old for all the added stress. You're right, but just the stress relief from being unemployed, and then even more by taking away the responsibilties of owning your own truck is enough to make you feel like you're walking on feathers.

K gets out Sunday and will fly home on Wed. She's excited, and it will be good to see her, but I probably will be at work when she flies in.

I don't know if it was a requirement of rehab or if she's just working the steps or what, but she called me late last night, read me something she cut out of an article about honesty, and said it sounded like me, and then she said, I don't think I ever really told you I'm sorry for lying to you. That was actually good to hear. I like to hear/see people take responsibility for their actions. I don't mind forgiving people who ask. Isn't that what we should do? I quit smoking, I understand the addiction part of it.

I can still live my life and carry on my plans with or without her. My life is rolling forward now and I will not allow alcohol nor anyone else's selfishness interfere with my plans. What I need to do, I can do alone. Its nice to have someone to share life's gifts with, but I'm not willing to sacrifice any of those gifts for her enjoyment nor trade them for my misery. I am clear in my heart about that.

I haven't looked at the census regarding avg's or rates, I don't want to punish anyone for someone else' behavior. I don't want to go forward with my life with any negativity. If I dwell on the negative, it will surly consume me. I am positive. She will be a sober person or she will be alone. If I constantly think of how many people fail, I will surly look for her to follow suit. I think its better to just not think about failure, and concentrate on the good things coming ahead in my life. I hope she is willing to share life with me. If not, I will have to move forward alone. Its not worth the worry.

I agree 100% with your assessment of who's responsible for their problem. I know its a hard thing to stop. I know it controls them, and they get weaker with each drink. But it is their choice and their responsibility.

I had a hard time quitting smoking, and every once in a while(very rare) I still get a faint craving for a smoke after 9 years of being smoke free. But nobody made me light up. It was my own choice to give in to the cravings. It was my choice to smoke, and no matter how much flack I got for smoking, it was still my choice to stop. Nobody made me quit. I didn't quit because someone didn't like it. When I did quit, I actually quit because I wanted to stop. Alot of people were proud of me, but it was my choice. I am responsible for my own decisions. If I end up with cancer, I will have to take the knowledge with me that I caused my own death. (afterall, abandoned says we're all gonna die anyway...LOL!!) I take that responsibility, though. I don't blame big tobacco, I don't blame my Mom because she smoked. I don't blame my peers because I wanted to be cool. I chose to smoke knowing what it does. I finally came to a point that I needed to come to. I quit and never want to smoke again. I think addiction is addiction. Alcohol has a different personality than cigs, but its very closely related. I'm sure Meth is a different creature than alcohol, but they are related.

I don't feel so much responsibilty toward her as I do that she has a responsibility to me. I have more than proved myself. I have nothing to prove and nothing to be ashamed of. I gave her chance after chance, and I was all out of chances. This is the trial. This is where the rubber hits the road. There are two paths. I have my choice and she has hers. I know how to get to my destination from either path. I'm not guiding her nor showing her the way. She knows how to get there all on her own.

I am only being wiser this time. Last time I said "to hell with this crap!" I walked out and right into bankruptcy and homelessness. I was stupid! She( my ex) is laughing her ass off all the way to the bank! That ain't gonna happen again! I am working on me. If the poopoo hits the fan this time, I gotta plan. I have a future. I got a YOB AMIGO!!!

January 31, 2009
1:10 pm
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INVIZIBLE- Your post made me smile. I am very very happy for you. I knew you would find a job. Now its time for you to celebrate. Your thinking sounds crystal clear and you are definatly headed in the right direction.

January 31, 2009
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I heard a funny joke. I know, it's a joke and not just something funny, but it made me think of you. The subject matter is of an adult nature, so if you prefer not to read it, stop here!

As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more women as our Physicians and Therapists etc.

And in this case a new Urologist for me.
My family Doctor just recently referred me to a (just out of medical school) female urologist.

I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy. She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why, and she said,
"Because I'm trying to examine you."

I hope you smiled! I did!

Men! We are such pigs!

*oink* *oink*

January 31, 2009
2:10 pm
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INVIZIBLE- There is no denying the biological drive that males have.

According to a humonculos of the brain. Its a fact that the part of the males brain that connects to the penis is huge in comparison to its actual size.

Guess thats why you and I are here.

When I was a nursing student some man had the curtains drawn around his bed and when I asked if I could enter he said "no I am not decent". Then a second later he opens the curtains and said "now I am". I look and he is laying on top of his blankets naked with nothing but a small wash cloth covering his happy spot. I look horrified at my nursing instructor who said "he has his fig leaf on".

Another time when I was a nursing student a young couple had been in a car accident and put in the hospital. No serious injuries. The male patient demanded that a nursing student come into his room to rub his back. I mean we are all like ewww. My nursing instructor was wise she sent a male nursing student into his room who said "I am ready to give you that back rub" to which the male patient responded "I decided I dont want one after all".

You know you are getting old when your Physician is young enough to be your child.

Keep smiling.

January 31, 2009
2:59 pm
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I think it has something to do with the desire and need to reproduce. Or it might just be that it feels good. Either way, I'm glad I have it!

January 31, 2009
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This is not an internet dating site, is it?

January 31, 2009
8:28 pm
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INVISIBLE- When I made the comment about THATS WHY YOU AND I ARE HERE the context was men and procreation (like its cause our dad's thought of something and we were born).

I bet your GF is glad you have what you have to.

January 31, 2009
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Of course this is an internet dating site. I thought thats what Codependency was all about! Ah Man! Am I on the wrong site again?! If I can't pickup chicks on a codependency blog I really do have issues! (just a joke Mary)

I can't speak for my girlfriend, but I do know that there have never been any arguments concerning that subject.

I have been busy today unpacking my rig and getting ready for next week. I am looking forward to the new job. I told you wrong earlier. K comes back on Wed, the 11th. Not this Wed. I will be out of town all week training for the new job, and I am very excited about it. Still very apprehensive about the commute. I have been looking for apts close to there, but nothing looks good, yet. I am also going to need every penny for the next few weeks to get caught up on bills, so there's not alot of deposit money avail yet. I'll work it out. I'm just very enthusiastic about getting the job after weeks of nothing. I have put in over 100 apps with different co's and had very little hope of landing a job. I am so glad this one paid off!

So are you still involved with this guy you met after your ex went to jail? You said you have kids, right? How many, and how old? At least you have them to keep you busy and occupy yourself. Also gives you more reason to pull yourself up. I don't have that. I am stuck here in this apt by myself. totally alone. just me and two cats. No money to go have fun, noone to discuss the issues that concern me, etc. so if I tend to talk your ear off, forgive me. I will get better once I get this job going. I don't have aproblem being with myself, but I do get bored witth myself day after day after day. I've watched every movie I have in my library. I don't have SAT or cable due to the money issues, so entertainment is limited. I could tell myself jokes, but I already know all the punch lines. I could play twister with myself, I suppose, but I have trouble spinning that little spinner while I'm all tied up in a knot. So, I try and stay busy cleaning, and cleaning and washing, and sanitizing and cleaning...

January 31, 2009
9:37 pm
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INVIZIBLE- Funny answer. Made me laugh.

I am sooo happy to hear that you are focusing on something as positive as your new job. Soon the money will start coming in.

My husband has been in jail 3 times in less than 2 years. The first time he went in it was for 30 days. The second time for 6 months. I cut off communication with him Nov. 2007. while he was locked up. I sent him the divorce that was finalized by a judge and a restraining order. Then I started dating. When I heard from him in Feb. of 2008 like an IDIOT I went back to him. He was nothing but a complete and total drunken nightmare from Feb. of 2008 until he wound up back in jail Sept. of 2008. Since then I have not dated. I have been too busy restoring my life to where it was before I met him. Some people have asked me out and due to my red flag radar I have declined. I did go out and have dinner with a few different people then let them know I was not interested in any romance. I am trying out my new skills in stepping back and not allowing anyone to get intimate until I am ready. To tell you the truth I still love my husband and need to let go of him emotionally 100% before I move on. I dont want to cheat and get involved with another relationship to avoid the pain of ending this one.

Currently my children and I are in therapy. I hope I can resolve all of my issues. The most important one being that I want to find a way to emotionally detach from this alcoholic. I was advised when he came back around not to allow him to push me into answering his questions and to tell him that I will think things over and get back to him. Too bad I couldnt figure it out on my own.

I do have my pony to ride that keeps my mind off of things.

Please keep posting and let me know what is on your mind. I appreciate a mans perspective on things.

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