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February 22, 2006
4:33 pm
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cutmylifein2pcs
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yeah i guess we do have alot in common. it is awesome that you are doing well... i have made ALOT

February 22, 2006
4:38 pm
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cutmylifein2pcs
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oops sorry here is the rest of what i was saying:
i have made alot of progress over the past couple years, and i hope to keep doing better. my school was kind of crazy, basically a place for kids to be sent by their parents when they don't know what else to do. it wasn't a lock down or anything horrible like that but it was very different than any normal high school. i had therapy, individual and group, and it was a pretty structured environment. i met some good people who i love, but it was alot of bull too. i did not leave on a good note... the school went downhill after a new guy became the head... anyway it was kind of like girl interrupted if you have ever seen the movie or read the book. except it wasn't a hospital...well i'll write later
bye!

February 23, 2006
3:42 am
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free2choose
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Hey Cut,

An ex of mine went to something like that and told me great things and horrible things. The closest comparrison in my own life was living for 9 months in a Halfway house when I was getting sober. Boy, was that a learning experience. We even had to do bible study and be in a gospel choir. Heh..I actually like the choir, but could definately done with out bible study 3 times a week and those crazy women!!! OMG!!! It was quite a culture shock!!!

I'm not on all the time, but if you keep coming to this thread, we can chat anytime you like. You sound really intersting, I'd like to get to know you more!! New friends are always a good thing!!

Until next time, take care of yourself!!!

(((((Erica))))))
free2choose

February 24, 2006
7:58 pm
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free2choose
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Hey, I'm at work tonight, so I will be online all night till six am. Actually, this is my long stretch so I'll be here for the next 5 nights!! **POUT**

It's Mardi Gras here, and I have to work the entire weekend and Monday and Tuesday, so I a BIT depressed. All of my friends are partying with out me and I am stuck up here alone.

I work the night shift at a hospital in a little town near where I was raised and where my parents live, but I live in Lafayette, which is like 70 or so miles from where I work so while I am working my 5 day stretch I stay with my parents and do not go home. I'm getting really tired of it though, and am looking for a job closer to my home. I just took this one because the money they offered me is like WOW!!! but happiness is better than money right now, and I miss my house! Expecially right now with Mardi Gras, I'm missing EVERYTHING!!! AHHHH!!

Any ways, I'mm be here if you wanna chat.

Erica

February 25, 2006
3:28 am
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free2choose
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Bump^^^

February 26, 2006
4:14 am
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free2choose
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Hiya Cut,

Just wondering how you are.

Erica

February 26, 2006
8:11 am
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Rasputin
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Free2choose --

Are you a male or a female?

Thanks a lot in advance!

~Love, Ras~

February 27, 2006
4:19 am
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free2choose
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I am female, Ras. And your welcome..LOL.

It's so hard sometimes on here because you never know who you are talking too. Like forever I thought one of the people on here was a guy, then I find out she is a woman. I was like, OMG!!! 🙂

CUT....

I'm begining to think you are never coming back....

I'm here if you wanna chat.

Erica

February 27, 2006
5:01 am
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SassyAlex
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free2choose, Erica, I'm adding onto this thread. We've never corresponded one on one, but I felt a bond when you were replying to the pornography threads that were occurring a few months ago. I too feel we have a lot in common. I actually had to take a break from the site after some of the responses I received from 2 guys on here in particular. But I'm back because of people like you who are here to listen and give understanding and help. I have read on other threads that you have had issues with cutting, this is something I don't know a lot about. I do know that this is a result of abuse in childhood, is this true for you?

Anyway, not giving any solid input, just that I want to say thank you for speaking what was on my mind in many threads. If it wasn't for you I might not be back here, not to be dramatic, but I was deeply hurt by the lack of support I felt at that time, so thank you for your thoughts and help.

February 27, 2006
10:34 pm
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free2choose
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Hey Alex!

I saw a post you made on another thread and I was like, OOHHH, I thought she dissapeared!! Good to have you back!

Yeah, I took a big break from here too after that. It was like, Ok, I'm going to this site to feel better and it's just pissing me off and making my feel offended more!!! I had to cool it for awhile, but now I am back too, I missed some of the good parts you know. I'm just gonna try not to respond to the stuff that really is offensive.

As for the cutting..yeas, it is something that I used to do as a response to trauma and pain. A coping mechanism. In my case yes, it is a result of abuse that I suffered in childhood. I was molested for the first time at 3, then again in grade school (memories are very unclear but I know it happened), and then I was used sexually by two older males when I was 10. I was also terrorized by my father, mental, emotional and physical abuse.

For me, it was that there was never any outlet for my pain and frustration. My mom was there, but she was emotionally a disaster herself throughout my childhood and I kept aot of stuff from her to spare her. My dad would actually threaten us for talking to my mom, he would tell us if we upset her he would make it worse, so I just kept it all in. They were the only two adults in my likfe, really, and they were both unavailable. I did not have many friends, and so I just dealt with it all on my own. I grew to where I was in one of two states, either in a rage, disructive to things around me even the animals...or I was numb. Cutting was a way to release pain or to help myself feel. i felt like I had all these wounds inside that nowone could see. The pain I felt began to feel unreal, with nothing to attatch it too, mostly because I had blocked out the abuse (sexual) and also because my father would always tell me that the physical stuff he did to me was just discipline, that it hurt him more than it hurt me. So I began to feel crazy, like there was no reason for me to feel so angry, so hurt. I shut it out, blocked it by becoming numb, but then I couldn't feel anything. i began to doubt my existence, to fell invisible, or not alive. My feelings, my soul was attatched to nothing. Cutting centered me. It brought me back into my body. I was alove, the proof was in the blood. The cuts, the scars were real..visible wounds that I could touch and feel, unlike my broken soul. And it also was about pain. I felt like a slave to my suffering, my pin and rage. With cutting, I could escape that by controling the cutting, the depth the amount. I was in charge. And then after, I could nurture myself. I could clean my wounds gently. I could apply the ointment, put on the bandages. I found a way to gently mother my pain. Does that make sense??

Wow...It hurts talking about it like that. It makes me ache for that little girl lost.

Anyway...that is what it was for me. I've read books and talked to other cutters and we all have our own reasons, but mostly they are all similar to what I have described.

Hope that helps, anymore questions, I'll be glad to answer. Or we can just chat about whatever!!

Good to see you again!!

(((HuGs)))

Erica
free2choose

February 27, 2006
10:34 pm
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free2choose
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Oh, by the way, i have not cut in like 3 or so years. It is one of the things I am trying to recover from.

February 28, 2006
1:39 am
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SassyAlex
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Erica, thanks for your total honesty and what you share here, these are the things that keep bringing me back here, despite the negativity and attacking of feelings that kept me away for a while.

I'm glad we're both back.

Hugs to you too!

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