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to divorce or not divorce?
May 15, 2000
2:45 pm
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leonar
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o.k. here it is, My wife droped a bombshell on me last week. she states she is very attracted to women, and that she hoped I would not mind. she says she has'nt acted on her urges and that she would like me to participate when and if she does.

wheres the problem right? well the problem is that at first I thought it would be great, what man would not want 2 women in bed at the same time, but the more I thought of it the more jealous I got. How can I see my wife sharing sexual emotions with anyone other than myself.(male or female it does'nt matter) My wife says we can stay married forever because she does not have to act out her urge if I don't want her to, but I need my wife to be true to herself so that she can be true to me.
I don't want 5-10 yrs to pass by and she suddenly figures that she is gay and wants a divorce. I feel caged like some kind of experiment in someones life. am I wrong? I don't want to have an open marriage, what up with that? why be married if it's open to others. I'm going out of my mind my wife will make an attempt at least once a week to have sex with me but I can feel that there is no emotion involed, no heavy breathing, no words of lust just very mechanical. please advise.

May 15, 2000
4:22 pm
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leonar
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I realize that I should tell all what has happened. well the answer to that is nothing. she is leaving it up to me and I think that it is wrong of her to do so. I personally need a strong physical relationship with my wife who is supposed to be my life-mate.

I need to know that my wifes needs are being met. but since she desires a woman I guess they are not. I want a normal relationship where I don't have to plan sex and where my wife seeks me instead of me always being the initiator.

May 15, 2000
5:01 pm
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drbillydm
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Sounds to me you need to ask your wife, What can I do for you? How can I pelase you more. We men ver seldom ask our wives, What can I do to make you hapy? Maybe she has fancies you can fulfill. Mayby you needed to see how you could be a better lover to you wife. Why not try new things with her. and if that doesn't work then you might be right and in 3 to 5 years she will leave you for something else. Try to be genital and more loving than ever. give it a try.

May 15, 2000
5:11 pm
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leonar
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drbillydm,

been there, done that, toys, massage,
videos, oral pleasures according to her instructions, therapy. she states she would like to see me cross dress. I put lipstick on before a lovemaking session and she went wild. The thing is I have to be me when I make love not some pseudo woman. or rupaul.

I feel I'm at my wits end, I'm basically afraid of wasting my life or rather years of my life trying to fix something that really is not broken. at times I believed my wife got married to save face with her family
they are pretty homophobic, at least her sister is. I wish that she could be honest with herself and with me about her sexuality and desires,
I've heard that some people are gay and don't even know it. I just don't know anymore.

May 15, 2000
8:53 pm
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janes
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Seek a therapist. If your wife will go with great if not it will be good for you.

If you are already feeling like you don't want to keep up a charade and spend years to find out you were never pleasing her.

she is obviously not pleasing you.

You have the right to have a wife who wants a mutual mongamous relationship.

I don't think it would please me to have my partner ask what yours has asked of you.

Personally, I think it is wrong. Threesomes in any way shape of form. And although I think homsexuality is wrong...I have a gay daughter.

But...you need to see if she can work this out to be happy with you. And if not the two of you move on to relationships where you can be content.

Good luck

May 16, 2000
11:24 am
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Tavy
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I am a bi woman who is engaged to a man. My first relationship ever was with a woman. I completely understand where your wife is coming from.

Sometimes it's hard to understand even yourself. I love my fiance for the person inside, not for his gender, but I do feel a certain lack in our sex life occassionally. He, too, has done the whole toys and dressing up thing for me and it can be a fun diversion for both of us. I suppose this isn't really an option for you.

It's hard to say, sometimes, what's going on in people's heads. All I can say is talk to your wife. Have an open mind. Things aren't so bad. It's you that she loves, since she wants to stay with you. She's trying to be honest to tell you how to please her more, sexually.

If she had had fantasies about doing different things with other men, and wanted to you do those other things with her, you probably wouldn't feel as threatened.

May 16, 2000
1:55 pm
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leonar
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tavy,

I don't feel threatened. I don't want to hold my wife back. Even though she loves me who's to say she won't fall in love with another woman and decides
to go with her, she states this will never happen but she is'nt being realistic. her urges and desires are growing and I don't think it's fair to have someone waiting in the wings, putting their lives on hold just to see what happens. I believe she is being selfish by keeping me hostage in this manner,and she's using the love we share as a device.
and by the way I have done everything,everything she has asked of me both sexually and mentally.

as a bi woman who feels a certain lack in her sex life, do you think that your fiance is satisfied sexually and if you get married, do you plan on having threesomes or an affair on the side. (I believe both contradict what marriage is all about)

May 23, 2000
1:45 pm
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Giovanni
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May 23, 2000
3:35 pm
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Giovanni
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May 25, 2000
10:00 am
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Tavy
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Leonar,

No. I don't plan to have any affairs or threesomes, although to tell you the truth, my fiance is pretty interested inhaving a threesome. I put my foot down and said it's not a good idea to have other people in your sex life, even if we're both there together.
The thing I learned from being bi is to love somone for who they are inside their hearts, not for their outside appearance. I love my man. I love him with all my heart. I wil be faithful to him because I love him, not his sex. My sexual urges aren't overwhelming me, like they do for men. Sex is a mental thing for me. I satisfy him sexually, I think. He seems pleased. We havea healthy and very active sex life, since the average american man has sex 1.5 times a week and I average about twice a day.
The thing is, female-female sex mimicks heterosexual sex a lot. In my experience, anyway. Women use dildos and have oral sex. A man can do that, he just doesn't have to use a dildo and has no breasts.

May 26, 2000
12:40 am
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Corinne
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Hey folks,

So... threesomes. Being a gay woman, I can confirm along with Tavy, I know what your wife is feeling. The best way I have ever been able to explain what it feels like to wake up one day and sudenly see the same sex as attractive, sexually, well its like a second puberty.

You have butterflies, which for most of us goes away right after we stop having teenage "sex" in the back of cars. When you figure out you like the same sex you start to look at them when you're grocery shopping, you try to find connections with other women.

This intense feeling could explain your wife's sudden burst of sexuality when you put lipstick on. She was in some way able to act on her new found sexuality with you.

The best possiblity for exploring your wife's new sexuality is most likely not a threesome, it would create animosity between the 2 of you and drive a wedge right through your marriage. I would first try something a little more excentric in your sex life. And don't suddenly pounce on this idea graually build a confidence and interest with your wife.

The reason I find women so damn attractive isn't because they don't have a penis, as Tavy said there are all kinds of toys. Its because when I am with a woman I feel freedom to explore and I feel more explored. I see every inch of a woman as an aphrodisiac, nothing is left un-carressed or kisssed. Try being more affection, think more than traditional sex, and yes it means a commitment to make it happen, a women won't orgasm suddenly at the slightest change. If after trying new things you still aren't connecting with your wife, then it might mean something more serious.

Either way meeting with a counselor yourself or together will help. Good luck.

May 26, 2000
2:28 pm
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Brenda
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whatever happened to sex being a sacred form of expressing love?
I feel sorry that you have had that bomb dropped on you Leonar, but you need to also stay true to yourself and your feelings are validated.
Your wife needs therapy to understand what is going on for her, our emotional lives as couples are strongly expressed in the bedroom, if we are not connected in the bed, we are not connected in the marriage.

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