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To contact or not to contact???....
October 17, 2007
11:02 am
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thenerdyurbanite
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Ok my ex's stuff is all over my place, every day I come across something else that was hers and I'm sick of it. I've been waiting for her to contact me about it but I'm afraid she doesnt remember exactly how much stuff she has here including her winter coat. If it was up to me I'd just leave it in the garage for her whenever she wanted it, but i dont want her turning around and being mad at me because i didnt tell her all the stuff she has here. I'm also terrified of contacting her...what if she doesnt respond, what if she does, im ready to puke....i need to a decision today one way or another cuz im going crazy. Please help...

October 17, 2007
11:17 am
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CAMER
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if you truely want her stuff out, contact her, and make sure she sets up a day and time to p/u her stuff, and then you can actually leave it in the garage, and not "see" her.

Do you really want to contact her though, cuz you miss her?? and are you ready for this final break??

October 17, 2007
11:17 am
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risingfromtheashes
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classic question.

it's HER responsibility to realize it's missing and contact you to arrange pick up.

either she doesn't realize it's missing, or she doesn't care, or she doesn't want to contact you.

she ALREADY had contact, so I can't see why the last statement would be right.

Neatly put stuff in a box, put it in a safe place - wherever you see fit - and let her decide when/if she wants it.

Sometimes, when we part company, we decide to just cut our losses and not go back for our stuff.

Other times, we don't want the chaos/drama, so we don't go back.

Somtimes, we just don't realize it's missing.

BE THANKFUL she didn't come get it while you weren't home and take OTHER stuff that perhaps did not belong to her.

WHEN/IF you are comfortable with contacting her - it may suit you to say "hey, you left stuff here, it's boxed in the garage, please pick it up by sunday (or whatever). If it's still here after then, I will donate it to goodwill".

Then, if you must - make sure you aren't home often enough to "bump" into her if you can't handle it.

Or drop it at a mutual friends.

Either way, it's her stuff - her problem - the only thing you are responsible for is getting it out of YOUR way.

October 17, 2007
2:54 pm
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thenerdyurbanite
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rising: that's just it then, what if she just doesnt realize that all this stuff is here...my ex is kinda absent minded and i have her winter coat and etc, so i dont want to come off as a bad person for not returning it, but i dont really feel like i should have to put myself out there. for all i know she cut her losses like i did with the stuff she has of mine but im so focused on how i would appear to her or anyone else if i didnt tell her about all her stuff but im like what the hell she knows there are stuff of hers here why do i need to contact her. i dont know what to do

October 17, 2007
3:00 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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forget what EVERYONE THINKS OF YOU for doing what you do.

YOU THINK OF YOU - what is best for you?

the answer seems that it's best NOT to contact her right now.

So DON"T!

and screw what others think.

If she is absent minded - that's not YOUR problem.

Maybe she DID cut her losses like you did???????????

why risk finding out?

This is her stuff - she left it behind - so it's her problem.

So, stop worrying what she or others will think - focus on what's best for you.

Put it in a safe place - and when you are ready to face it - call her - but it doesn't have to be now.

OR

get a mutual friend to deliver it to her.

but don't put yourself out for her, period

October 17, 2007
3:18 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Here is the thing - to simplify.

you don't have to make a decision about it now.

simply put it in a box and in a safe place (if you can't get it to her without risking contact).

WHEN you are ready to make the decision - make it - but NO DECISION IS a DECISION and an ok one.

You don't have to stress about it - just get it out of your way until you come up with some kind of answer.

it's not going anywhere, and she obviously isn't missing it.

Just put it out of sight until you are ready to deal with it.

October 17, 2007
3:24 pm
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nappy
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Please, Please, Please,
stop stressing over something that really doesn't matter.
If she want her stuff, then she know where her stuff is.
You don't have to contact her about a coat if it is cold, she will cover up with something if it not the coat that she left.
Gather up her stuff and put it somewhere so in case she calls about it then you can tell her where it all is.
Don't fall into that trap of being concern about this person. You have already done that and this person don't care.
Stop thinking about what other people will say. If they have something negative to say, then tell them that you will bring over her stuff and she can get it from there.
Get the stuff out of the house so that you can start healing and to stop all of this negative thinking about this person.
If it was me, that stuff would of been gone a long time ago.
Nappy

October 17, 2007
3:43 pm
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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There comes a time when you have to do what you think is best. My X had the audacity to ask about his clothes AFTER he lied to me about his HIV status...in fact that was the last thing he said to me, "I realize I have some things at your house, if we can arrange for me to get those I'll be out of your hair."

I responded with, "if you want your stuff, come get it tonite."

He didnt come. I waited about a month, and I dumped it down the garbage shute.

I find it hard to believe she doesnt realize she has things over your house..especially a girl....girls dont forget about their 'stuff'.

Put it in a box or bag.

Wait till you've calmed down.

If you still have not heard from her, you can

1. Contact her and aske her to come get it ASAP.

or

2. Throw it away.

The decision would have to be made based on how your breakup ended. If its amicable, then yes, contact her and ask her.

if she shit on you.....and you know it...and she knows it.....to hell with her stuff. Get rid of it!

October 17, 2007
3:43 pm
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readyforachange
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I agree with nappy....don't stress over it. If it bothers you to have to look at it every day, box it up and put it all in the garage. Possession is 9/10 of the law. If it's in your house, you are free to do what you want with it, including throwing it out.

I wouldn't contact her. It's her stuff, she knows where it is, if she wants it she should contact you and make arrangements. Worrying about her being cold without her winter coat seems classically codependent to me (I'm not criticizing...I would do the same thing!) Be strong, and allow her to take care of this for herself.

In the meantime, do something nice for YOURSELF!!! ((thenerdyurbanite))

October 17, 2007
9:41 pm
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_anonymous
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thenerdyurbanite- I sold my husbands cabin and everything he owned inside and out went with it. It was his responsibility to take care of his shit. When he gets out of jail he will have the clothes on his back. The next time he chooses to commit a crime, not pay for household expenses and takes off for days on end maybe he will take care of his shit. I did not want any reminders of that man whatsoever.

October 17, 2007
9:54 pm
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Always Unforgiven
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Nerdy, When I broke up with an old boyfriend he had left his stuff here. I couldn't stand to look at, it was so painful. What I did was I put it all in a box, went to the post office and mailed it off to him. I don't know if this is an option for you or not however it worked for me. I still haven't heard if he got it or not and i don't really care anymore. I took care of what I needed done and that was Huge for me. I hope this possibly gave you another option.

October 19, 2007
6:57 pm
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StronginHim77
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I did the same thing as Always...boxed up everything that had belonged to my ex-fiance a couple years ago and mailed it to him. Out of sight and my codependent conscience was soothed.

Today, however, I would not do that. I would box it up, set it in the driveway, send him a warning email with a pick up deadline, then toss it out without a qualm, if he failed to come get it. It is our codependency that makes us want to be perceived as the "nice guy" and continue showing kindness to people who have pooped all over our hearts.

- Ma

October 19, 2007
10:09 pm
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sdesigns
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If she wanted her stuff she would make an effort to get it. Period. Don't use her things as a tiny thread of hope that she'll contact you, or an excuse to contact her. Put it in a box, out of your sight, and forget about it. If she doesn't contact after a certain amount of time, donate it to charity.

When I broke up exbf for the last time there were some of my things I wanted to get. I emailed him and asked him to put them in a paper bag and put it on his patio. I told him I would pick it up when he was not home- and specified a certain day when he was at school. He told me it was out there, I went and got it- the end. That was it. He wanted me to come over while he was there- and I wanted no part of that.

I think this is a common situation and the things symbolize the last ditch effort to change the situation. Accept it for what it is now, and try to move on. Hard I know, but you're not doing yourself any good agonizing over it. She's probably not even thinking about it.

SD

October 20, 2007
12:16 am
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Matteo
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thenerdyurbanite ~ I don't think that wanting to end on civilized terms is codependent. First of all gather her stuff from all over the place and put in a box in one spot so you don't have to stumble over it time after time. Then - I assume she doesn't have your keys anymore - either give her time to pick it up or send it, if you really don't want to contact her. You can arrange so you will not see each other and anyway, if everything is packed the actual face to face contact can be very brief. You will have your closure, at least at a certain level. If she doesn't come at the agreed time - donate it to the poor. What you really don't want to do is to prolong her visit and having her walking all over the place and looking for her stuff and packing. Make it short and brief. That way you also know that she will not surprise you with her visit of phone call wanting to get her things back.

October 20, 2007
7:46 am
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bonni
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If I were her, I'd appreciate your boxing it up and not tossing it. Is there a common friend you could leave it with and ask to make sure its returned?

If she has some of your stuff, what would you want her to do?

bonni

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