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To Change, I have to understand, How?
February 5, 2000
12:02 am
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cerry
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I was the middle child or 7. It was hard most of the time and very lonely. As a child there were many many times upsets in the family such as fighting, mental and physical. Today, as an adult I have gone through many failed relationships. I wonder if this has anything to do with how I felt as a child. My father could not hug his daughters and felt very uncomfortable. The boys got everything including the sports which I felt was unfair. I just wanted to feel loved and wanted. I should have been called Jane, as I am a simple Jane. I am not a materialistic person but all I want is someone to love me for me. I am creative and love to help anyone in a rut but can't seem to get myself out of that her own rut. I can't understand this: Every man I that I have had relationships with whether long term or short have either lost their fathers through death or fathers left the home due to marriage breakup. I see a pattern but I can't figure it out. After 3 serious relationships and one marriage, I am on my own. I live by myself and I doing for me now. I have noted that these men all have some sore of physical or emotional problems. I guess I was a kind soul who felt something for these men. After assisting them on their feet, they hurt me and leave. I feel that I was their stepping stone. Does any of this make sense. I know I am rambling on and find it hard to keep it on track but I am confused. I am a kind hearted person and care for others. I need to understand why and what it is that these men see in me. How do I attract these men and how do I break the pattern. I have learned so much about myself in the last year, the worst year of my life, but have come along way since then. I had no confidence and low self esteem but have travelled along way to get here now. I have gain alot strenght, self esteem and confidence but still work on it continuously. I don't want to repeat this history. I don't see the signs. I need to understand and I need to know how. You may ask me anything and I will be honest with you if it assists me with discover to go forward and live happier.
Your help and assistance would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
Cerry

February 5, 2000
12:28 am
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JSB
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WHILE i'M NEW, I GET THT YOU ARE 8IN DENIAL. feeling soirry for your self . Life is cruel./ So, whenm will you wake up. It's not all roses. When will you wake up. Sorry, too rea;istic, but you must get off this roll-a=coater.

February 5, 2000
12:38 am
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jtt
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get real

February 5, 2000
12:43 am
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jtt
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I like ytou can you handle that?

February 5, 2000
3:25 am
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kcc
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i pray for your

February 5, 2000
10:35 am
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KTHOMAS
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Cerry,

You are what I call a fixer-upper. You see someone that is really good inside and just know in your heart that all he needs is to be loved and cared for. Because of this trait in you...(not that it is bad)you are blinded by the signs of his emotional handicaps. You give your all to these men...but they are not capable of giving their all back to you. I know because I do the same thing...and I too get hurt. The only way to stop this pattern is really exactly what you are doing now...

Getting to know who you are...not wanting to make the same choices...being more selfconfident and realizing that you are worth something.

Sometimes...when we come from families where love and affection was slim (I too had a non affectionate father)we look to fill that void with our mates...we put expectations on them that they just can not fill. You must first know that you can not fix the past...and it is up to each person to fix themselves...we are not responsible for making it all up to them either.

You are growing Cerry and headed in the right direction...

Karin

February 5, 2000
10:42 am
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KTHOMAS
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Cerry,

I too am a fixer-upper and I am looking for someone to just love me. Perhaps we just need to learn to love ourselves.

February 5, 2000
11:17 am
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cerry
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Thanks to all who responded to my thread, especially you Karin. Yes I agree I am a fixer-upper. No, I am not feeling sorry formyself and it is not denial. I have eccepted alot of things in my life but I thrive on understanding. You may not realize but have been through alot and some really horrific times. Those times are the past and what I want to do is go forward. I don't want to repeat patterns in my life that bring me to more pain and heart aches. I know I can do things on my own and I like me for I am special. I just do know how to break the pattern. Men, many men approach me but the ones that I am intereted in seem to have problems which I don't know until sometime after. I don't want to be someones doormat and be walked on. My life change drasticly last year. I have been able to say no and not feel guilty. I did more than expected and now I even though I have help or assisted others I do spend time on me. For along while I people would say that I have a heart of gold, bubbly, loved to be around with, hard worker and caring. I have been told that I was BEAUTIFUL inside and out. I belive the out but for awhile outside I couldn't believe. Today, I look at myself as being both beautiful inside and out. I work hard on me. I deserve it. I have recently gone to socialize and make friends. Men have approached me but I decided to just be their friends nothing more, nothing less. I have now a busy schedule. I am working towards certain goals in my life such as career and my music writings. I go out one night a week for me and sing my heart out. I am doing very well in that area. Before I did not have the confidence. I do now and that is a love I will devote my time to. I don't like being used so I have decided not to get involved into any relationships. One day I would like to have a heathy relationship but now is the time for discovery, learning and healing. I used to be more involved in others lives than my own. Today, I am more involved with me. What type of signs do I look for if those men who want to have relationship but do have baggage. I want for me now as I come first. Yes, we all have fears and I try to face these fears. I want better for me. Do you understand. I have been lost denied happiness but want to change.
Any comments.
Thanks
Cerry

February 5, 2000
12:41 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Cerry,

I don't think you realize just how good you are doing. I think you have made some very key changes in your life and are attracting all types of men. Maybe the secret to finding the right one is to allow a friendship to grow first...we all come with baggage, but this will allow you to get to really know the person and decide if you want to accept him, baggage and all. Men that will wait until you are comfortable to take your friendship a step further...are keepers...those who move on out of your life...will be the losers.

You are doing great!!!! Just keep believing in yourself...and good luck with your music career.

Karin

February 5, 2000
1:18 pm
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cerry
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Dear KThomas,

I thank you for all your kind words and understanding. Yes, I am doing well in some areas. I guess I have to patient and live one day at a time. You seem to know alot. I guess you have been there. How are you doing with your presently situation as you stated that you are fixer-upper. Is life going well.
Thanks again,
Cerry

February 5, 2000
3:41 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Cerry,

I only know a lot because I have lived a lot. I am in my third marriage and it is uncertain if there is much hope for survival because my husband is in jail right now. We were seperated five weeks prior to his going there because of his drinking problem. This is my fixer-upper course 101. šŸ™‚

I think it is a very good thing that he is where he is at...for one thing I know he is safe and not a danger to others on the road...and the other thing is that he is sober.

I am not sure what our future holds...for now I am being his friend and helping him with things he is unable to take care of from in there. He is facing quite a bit of time and I just want to get him settled. I love him...and wish things were different...but...they aren't.

How am I doing? I am at the beginning of my self awareness stage. I am 41 years old and I am just now realizing that I must learn to accept me for me and to be happy being me. That being loved would be nice but...not having a mate will not stop me from having a life. I am turning to my creator...and concentrating on being a good mother to my son (he is nine).

I was on my own (kind of) once before between my first and second marriage. But I was under the umbrella of my family and now I am many miles from home and basically on my own. I am in my cocoon I guess you could say...waiting for the right time to come out as the beautiful butterfly that I know I am. šŸ™‚

Thank you for asking.

Karin

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