Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
To break or not to break (balancesekr)
February 14, 2007
9:43 pm
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I can't take it anymore, I keep playing the same game about my relationship and here is what I feel:

I really feel stuck, I don't feel things are moving forward for me. I don't feel at ease around my boyfriend. He is just starting to begin putting a career together and I am stressed about that.

I keep thinking things are going to change so much between us, he is just starting out and I am further along.

I feel stupid because we have been together for 2.5 years. I have tested out the relationship and there are great things about it. BUT, I feel stuck. I can't escape thinking we need time apart to see if we are meant to be together... is that normal or a major sign it aint working?

My friend has suggested to write down what I want from a relationship, what are the qualities that my "perfect man" would have and see if they mesh with my boyfriend.

We have discussed the age difference and we usually conclude its not a BIG deal.

I feel good with him when I slide into the moment, just being there and not worrying about the future, but I am worried about the future, I keep wondering if this is right!

I keep telling myself I will make a decision and maybe I just need to say it, I need some time to clarify my goals. Partially I guess I don't believe in our love, like its empty on my side of things.

I have so much trouble with relationships I just want the solution but don't want to lose him forever. We have taken breaks before, very short ones.

It just seems I am gonna keep pushing until he breaks it off and then I will be devastated. That is my pattern.

It could just be that I want to know he really wants to be with me, maybe I think he's just young and thinks he wants to be with me. Or maybe its I just don't know if I wanna be with him.

He and I have a great friendship with each other. And lately I have told him I feel weird. He says, I think its because of our age difference. I really do want to do the best thing for both of us. I want to be myself and feel comfortable around him. I can't tell if I just have an unreachable ideal in my head, if I am just scared, or I have just experienced bad things and I am scared that the age factor will give me less leverage with him or something, because I will be scared to communicate what I need cause I dont want him to think Im annoying.

Thanks for reading, I know this is all over the place!

February 14, 2007
9:52 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

No, not really. Sounds pretty well thought out to me. Let me ask you this. You said... "I have so much trouble with relationships I just want the solution but don't want to lose him forever. We have taken breaks before, very short ones." Is this statement true of your past relationships also? Is this maybe just the next step in all your old relationships that didn't work?

I'm not trying to add to your frustration. I just wonder if maybe this is where you need to break the old cycle and start a new life. Don't follow old paths. They obviously lead you to heartache. As for the list thing. Good idea if you'd never met him, but I don't think you can objectively sit down and make a list of Mr. Right w/o thinking about him. I know I couldn't.

February 14, 2007
10:00 pm
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi mamac,
In the last relationship I was in I struggled with knowing if it was right as well. We broke up once and got back together once and then I pushed it to the limit and he ended it and I was devastated.

With this relationship, I have hung in there. I miss him when we are apart, how do I feel good and comfy just being together with no drama, no breaks?

In this relationship I communicate way more, it is a different relationship, this relationship works in so many ways. This relationship is better for me than the last one. But I sit here thinking I am just settling for the nice guy and he is settling for me. Did I spell settling wrong? 😉

February 15, 2007
12:23 am
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Nope looks clear to me.

Do you think or know that you are settling? Has he told you he is settling?

What is it about the "nice guy" that is not enough for you? What is missing? the drama?

Just a few thoughts to ponder. I'm not pushing, just asking you to look within, find out why you feel as you do. Then if you feel it wrong then you make whatever decision you need to.

(((TBT)))

February 15, 2007
1:57 pm
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mamac,
I don't know that I am settling. I have an ideal that there is someone out there who I will feel completely comfortable with, which may be just BS.

I am assuming he is settling. I think, he is a HOT young guy and in a few years, he may regret marrying me or something, should we get married. I just have a kind of jaded negative view on marriage I suppose. I always think married people are not happy and day dream about f***ing other people all the time or something.

I have had so many married men hit on me, it sucks.

Yeah, I guess drama is missing.

BTW, push me with this, I really want advice and any knowledge/experience anyone can share.

February 15, 2007
2:27 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

wow balance,
this is a hard one. but if this guy, in your terms is a "keeper", then keep him. i have heard from the top relationship psychologists, that our "dream" person does not exist, but to find one close to that can be done. i think we all have standards for ourselves which shouldn't be compromised, but i tend to agree (wish I could remember his name, but i can't right now)with this psychologist. However, do you love him? IS he someone you can work matters through with without engaging in horrible arguments...how is the communication between you two? And is he attractive to you in other ways? Maybe make a list of the good and the not so good about him, then decide what is realistic or petty, then decide if you are compromising your happiness by staying with him.

Best of luck to you!!!

February 15, 2007
2:29 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Balance!

Right now I am dating a good guy whom I met a couple of months ago. Tho he is good guy, we have major diffrences between us. One of them is the age difference, I am several years older than him.

Tho he says it doesn't bother him, it does bother me and I keep voicing it to him. I think it depends on how you look at it. Down the road, we might face some unexpected challanges, but considering the fact that women in general live longer and look younger in general, this could be a bonus.

In fact being older than your partner could be a blessing. It depends on how we look at it.

The drama is we are both getting attached to each other. Right now, I planned to take some break and stepped back to see what happens.

So, if we come back to each other I would say to You & Me: let's just enjoy the friendship with NO strings attached. Why do we have take things too seriously???

I know this is easier said than done. Friendship between men & women are very difficult to be kept UNromantic. It just is impossible but any way Good luck for us!!! R

February 15, 2007
3:21 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Push you. ok here goes.

"I always think married people are not happy and day dream about f***ing other people all the time or something." I know many married couples that do not think along those lines, but then there are a few that do. Rule 1 to a happy marriage is to not let temptation into your mind. If you stay true to your partner, meaning not thinking of f'n someone else, not going out w/ another person in place of your partner, or talk about your marital problems w/ another, then your marriage is stronger than most. It's when we let our minds entertain the thoughts that tempt us that relationships end. The grass always looks greener on the other side, but once you cross the fence you find it is just the same as it was on the original side. In our minds things are always better (or at times worse) than reality. (learned that in counseling.)

As for married men that hit on you. They are a dime a dozen and not worth the gum you scrape off the bottom of your shoe. What I cannot get a grasp on is women (Kim), or men, that are w/ a partner(Joe) they had an affair w/ that ended in the breakup of the original marriage of (Joe) and (Marie). Now Kim is w/ Joe and when Joe cheats on Kim then Kim is crushed that the Joe cheated on her. Hope I've not lost you yet. Why would it surprise Kim that Joe would cheat on her when she was the one he was cheating with when married to Marie. I guess what goes around comes around.

"he is a HOT young guy and in a few years, he may regret marrying me or something" My hubby is 4 years younger than me and I must say good lookin at that. Better lookin that me for sure. For the life of me I cannot at times understand why he stays w/ me. I have never been vain, but I most definitely am not as pretty as I was before the illness and the weight gain. But he tells me I am beautiful every time. I really think beauty must come from within. But honestly, if you are gonna worry about a few years from now then marriage will never work. It's just as everything else in life turns out to be and that is one day at a time. Who knows maybe you will find something better down the road. But it is a chance you take. Where would you be if you didn't take that chance? You'd miss out on a wonderful, or not wonderful, life.

"I have an ideal that there is someone out there who I will feel completely comfortable with" I think comfort is a learning process. Marriage is not always gonna be honeymoon. I think it's the every day mundane things that we live w/ as in the dirty plate sitting on the table, the dirty sock left on the floor (that is me here), bein considerate as to the other person's feelings, these things are what a marriage is. I am not saying a marriage should not be fun and comfy. That is important in a marriage also, but the root of marriage is a oneness that comes within, from the learning to be give and to accept the person you are with. And that person has to give and accept also.

Make a list of what you feel is not right. Then decide what you can and cannot live w/. Weigh the odds as they say. Oh, and lastly.. Never assume what the other is saying. I think you'd be wrong more often than you'd be right.

February 15, 2007
3:41 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mamacinnamon...good thoughts here in what you say I believe.

another thing i just thought of balance....

it is so easy to live in one's mind...in the sense that "we think we KNOW what we want or need". i have found out that what i want may not be necessarily what I 'need'. so since there are really so many variable to think about...maybe go for your deepest instinct about it all. after 2.5 years, if you know he is genuine...that says something in itself.

February 19, 2007
4:03 pm
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I just wanted to thank everyone for their posts, I have read them, but I haven't been able to put any of the knowledge in motion just yet.

I just feel really, really down. Really, really stuck. I hung with my boyfriend this weekend with all my mixed feelings... and I just got off the phone with him and I just feel so down.

He has been depressed lately because he is not sure what to do with his life.

I have been depressed cause I am too chicken to break things off and clear my damn head.

Things are not getting better. He assures me about our relationship all the time, it doesn't seem to make any difference to me.

I totally know that I struggle with intimacy, sex, all that stuff. This weekend I rode out the weird feelings and chose to love him. I still just feel stuck, maybe I should end it before I push him to do it...

February 20, 2007
11:27 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((((BALANCESEKR))))

How are you feelin today??

February 21, 2007
12:02 pm
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi mamac,

I am feeling so in the middle, divided. Here goes... part of me feels or maybe even knows my relationship just isn't working out for me, for whatever reason and it doesn't really matter why, it just isn't, I don't feel right.

Last night I didn't call him at all, he called me, I never called him back. I wake up today, I call him, leave a message, I feel good.... then I don't hear from him, and I start thinking negatively and think just break it off.

But, then I try in my mind to make it like everything is OK, I care about my boyfriend, maybe I do love him, I am just over-reacting.

But then I think, break it off. Walk away. Why must I wait until things fall apart, why must I wind up feeling abandoned.

basically I feel so divided it is terrible.

February 21, 2007
12:07 pm
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

but... I do feel he is my friend and I can tell him the divided way I feel... I am just scared of the consequences.

or maybe I am scared he will agree with me and our love will just disappear like there was nothing between us ever.

Feeling like this sux and having a blockade up to love like I feel I do really stinks.

February 22, 2007
10:15 am
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I did it again, asked my boyfriend if maybe its better if we aren't together.

Of course this upsets him and me, why wouldn't it! How do I tell him I love him but I am stuck in this feeling of uncertainty and I am hurting myself and him and our relationship by being in this place. I don't know how to fix it, and I am really hurting.

I am trying to make things work, trying to deal with the stresses of a relationship and be together but like always in my relationships, I never feel things are right and I question and question until its over and I am devastated.

Can anyone help?

February 22, 2007
10:26 am
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have a emtpy stomach feeling right now... I am so scared I am going to send him running....

we got disconnected on the phone.

I don't know how to handle this, I really don't. I know I have strong feelings for him, I just struggle in relationships not knowing if its right... and then I push till its over.

What can I do?

February 22, 2007
11:37 am
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

did you tell him all this? exactly as you said it here?

all I can say is be honest with him...and then do what you think is best for you.

And he may walk away to give you the space you need...NOT because he doesn't love you, but BECAUSE he loves you...and doesn't want to be stressing you out.

Perhaps some time apart will give you time to regroup and decide how you feel....and then if you think you want another chance, perhaps you can have it?

someone else posted a thing on "what if he changes"....and in it, the doctor is answering a client who is asking a bunch of "what ifs" questions.

and her answer is something about the moon falling out of the sky tomorrow.

who knows what tomorrow will bring. How do you feel TODAY...and do you WANT a future with him...just as he is, no changes, no compromises....is that what you want?

also a song by faith hill...do it anyway....you can build your dreams up and have them shattered, but dream it anyway...life is short.

February 22, 2007
12:17 pm
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thanks for posting to me rising!
I feel like I do want him just the way he is. I think I just am so fearful of real love and commitment.

February 22, 2007
1:52 pm
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

then share that with him.

one of the biggest way you can get over that fear is to "let it out of the closet".

like a monster in the closet, it can't hurt you.

Tell him how you are feeling. If he knows...then when you get "down", he'll understand...instead of getting anxious himself.

I don't know how he feel if he gets anxious when you pull away...so he comes back full force.....like a push pull game...he shows up, you back off, he backs off, you show up.

Being honest is the best thing you can do for yourself and for the relationship....communicate.

February 22, 2007
2:27 pm
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I thought about your question... How do you feel TODAY...and do you WANT a future with him...just as he is, no changes, no compromises....is that what you want?

I do love him the way he is, nothing usual would have to be compromised, we just have the age difference and partially I am freaking because I dont want to waste any time. I am scared that I am in the "weak" position here or something. But maybe I need to stop looking at things like, hey we aren't engaged, is he gonna marry me, leave me for someone younger, decide in a year he wants out. I guess if I love him and want this I have to own it and then ask him for what it is I do want.

I just feel love without worrying so much about the future. I just find it difficult because I come from a mother who always pestered me about getting married, not waiting to long, and a whole bunch of other FEARS which have f'd me up.

So is that a compromise? Not looking at the situation for what it is and the reality is he is younger??

February 22, 2007
3:37 pm
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

stop focusing on his age...it's just a number really.

Does he love you and treat you right and do you love him and treat him right in return. Is there healthy respect, communication and attraction? Do you have the same values, ideals, types of goals in life, interests?

If you can answer yes to most of this, you are on the right track.

It does sound like you have this self imposed "deadline"....as you said, probably from childhood....but you need to stop focusing on that and focus on how you feel TODAY.

You could be hit by a bus tomorrow.

Look at mastrong...she found love again....and I'm not trying to say she's old...but she is definitely one of the older ladies who post here.

Love doesn't stop when you hit a certain age. Also remember, with the divorce rate as high as it is...MANY MANY MANY women and men are starting over at older ages.....you are NOT doomed to be an old spinster if you don't find someone TODAY.

Enjoy how you feel...how it makes you feel to be in love....that's all that matters.

February 23, 2007
4:45 pm
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Rising I can say yes to most of those if not all of those questions.

I just go back and forth in my mind and wonder....is this another addicted relationship?

I am trying to hold on to this, because he truly seems like the right guy, but yet something is getting in the way. Maybe the last one I have to tackle to kick the habit!

I know I have very mixed feelings, but this is a common thing for me. I do live my own life, I do my own thing, but I do wonder about the relationship.

I have read that when something always seems out of reach then the relationship is not right. And on another thread someone posted, if you are worried about losing the person, that is not love.

I come from a VERY fearful mother and father. So these are things I am working on and I know I over analyze sometimes.

I know that right now I am trying so hard to get comfortable with myself, truly LOVE myself and create the path I want to follow... all while being with my boyfriend.

This will get figured out, I know it. Any thoughts would be great, thanks for posting to me.

February 23, 2007
5:02 pm
Avatar
truthBtold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

balancesekr,

First of all - screw all of the endless "What If's" that dominate your thoughts.

Screw it ......really.

And screw all of the assumptions - for that is really all that they are - is assumptions.

I dunno if I am way off base here - and my comments may be totally off the mark - but what occured to me in my gut as I read your post was that perhaps you don't quite know how to deal with someone who truly loves you.

I remember my ex-husband looking at me with utter love in his eyes......and I remeber thinking to myself.....how can this be?????

(It was like trying to fit something square into something that was round........just didn't jive.)

Don't know if this is the same for you - - -just thought that I would share my experiece which sounded similar to yours.

In the end - I just had to realize - and let go of both my pride and my need to "control" (wink - wink) to simply Let Love In.

Not only by him - but from others whom were not out there to screw me over - which had been my conditioning.

Don't know if I've helped or not.

May be way off base here - if so - please accpet my apologies.

Just kind of calling it as I see it.

In any event, it sure ain't easy - no matter what the particulars!

February 25, 2007
8:30 am
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi truth,
You are right, I don't know what to do with someone who loves me! Isn't it amazing. I wonder how many relationships I have been in and when it works, I am thrown off.

Part of me is just scared that since he is a great guy, treats me like a princess, that somehow I am just trying to like him because of these qualities.

When I think back to the beginning, I know I was attracted to him. We both kinda made the first move. I know I wasn't sure how I felt then, I was scared.

I have this BIG thing, if its real or if its me trying to make someting work cause he's a good guy and there aren't many out there everyone tells me so hang on to this one.

I can't tell if I am just scared to repeat what my mother did, marry someone she isn't crazy about!

I just keep thinking of 5 years from now and him meeting someone who is not all tangled up like I am. So to counter act that thought, I work on myself, push myself to stay balanced, not all caught up and I can be that girl I am fantisizing about, I am as cool as she is!

March 1, 2007
12:57 pm
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Here I am, still on the fence, fearing a fall.

Thinking of telling him, I am divided and I can't keep on like this. I know we have a great time together but I always have this nagging doubt in my head.
I try so hard to make it go away. I tell myself he loves you. I ask myself why can't you love him until he is gone?

Why can't I feel strong? How can I fix this?

March 1, 2007
1:04 pm
Avatar
balancesekr
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I just feel ashamed that I have a problem.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
33
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110963
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38560
Posts: 714252
Newest Members:
mycvdesigner, JayGriffin212, Youse1937, Cannabeme, charli55, SeaG1ant
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information