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To Bitsy
December 21, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Bitsy, how did the session go?

December 21, 2010
12:00 am
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It No Longer Matters
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We
talked about resistance and my resistance to setting goals so we
are going to try to "back into some goals". Baby steps. I am going
to attend a weight lifting class and it is something I can take Cat
with me to.

We talked about
the hurt and how I am probably achieving goals but don't realize
it.

She told me: If
you don't know where you are going any road will get you
there.

Bitsy

December 21, 2010
12:00 am
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This
is the goal sheet I am supposed to be working on as well as reading
Safe People and she has even suggested I drag out my copy of
Boundaries again:

1. Define the
problem:

What is happening
that tells me there is a problem?

2. Identify the
results of the solution:

What do you think
it will be like when the problem is solved?

What do you think
will be happening when the problem is solved?

3. Looking at
roadblocks:

In what way has
the problem kept me from moving forward?

When this happens
I usually…

When this happens,
I think…

When this happens,
I feel….(truly I am not trying to get in touch with me
“feelings”)

4. Look at
exceptions: What were things like when the problem wasn’t
happening?

5. Steps to
take:

What might I try
doing to move closer to solving the problem?

Which of the above
will I do by the time we talk again?

Bitsy

December 26, 2010
12:00 am
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Hello
All. Just wanted to share something and get your thoughts.
Christmas morning I fixed a big breakfast and had my ex=husband and
his mother over. Cat got a new room for Christmas and ex-h had
painted the wicker headboard and nightstand that I had found in his
mother's storage building (his family wrote the book on recyling 😉
) Ex-MIL stayed and buzzed around Cat's room helping her get it
situated just so and they discussed the other stuff that Nana would
go buy her to finish off the room next week. (Yay!)

At 3:30 Cat and I
got dressed and went to ex-SIL's for dinner and drinks. Ex-FIL and
I are better friends now than we were when I was married to her
brother. She knows that I am taking ADD medicine and she also
complimented me on what I had on. Told me the pants looked really
good on me. I commented that I thought I had lost weight and she
confirmed that I had or at least looked like it (I can't be sure
because I can't have scales in the house-Cat was weighing herself
before and after she ate a couple of years ago) Ex-SIL also
commented that I seemed to be a lot calmer and not as intense. I
kinda looke at her quizzically and she kind of her her hands up in
a loose ball but was straining with holding them tight - if you can
envision tense muscles and hands. She said she couldn't explain it
really but that I was just different...more relaxed.
Hmmm....

Bitsy

December 26, 2010
12:00 am
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StronginHim77
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Of
course, you are changing...and others are going to notice. And it
sounds as if the changes are very POSITIVE ones. I'm glad she said
something about what she was observing in you. Hope that encourages
you, Bitsy.

- Ma

December 29, 2010
12:00 am
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I
made gumbo and my stepmother, Cat, and I are off to see my aunt and
take her to lunch.

Bitsy

December 30, 2010
12:00 am
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One
of the things I have known since the middle of November but haven't
really talked about here is that my cousin B has been diagnosed
with end stage cirrhosis of the liver. You may remember that he is
the one who came in my bedroom and touched me several years ago
when I was living in my dad's house (after he died). I have spoken
of hin recently as one of my "unsafe people" and he is one of the
men I trusted who let me down (you would think with all of my
experience with alcoholics I would have been wiser,but I wasn't) He
was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak in my trust
issues with me.

My Aunt V hasn't
understood why there is distance between me and her son. I have
decided never to tell her and especially now. He is dying and he is
her son. She doesn't need any added burdens to that.

When Aunt V first
called me about B I told her I was angry and that I was angry with
him for putting her through this again (she is the ultimate
caretaker- her husband died from cirrhosis of the liver, after that
she moved back here and moved in with my grandparents and took care
of both of them until their deaths). Now she is having to take care
of him. B has always worked in restaurants and is a terrific chef,
but as such has no medical insurance. There is a clinic that is
sponsored by a church to help people get help. There is a doctor
who volunteers his time and payment to the clinic is on a sliding
scale, but Aunt V is still having to pay for all of this out of her
pocket. B can't work so therefore there is no income from him. The
clinic is helping Aunt V find other help. Perhaps medical
disability and medicare, etc. It sounds like they are good people
trying to help.

Over Christmas my
stepmother and I discussed going over and seeing Aunt V and decided
to go yesterday. Tuesday I made some gumbo (it isn't your regular
seafood gumbo although it does have shrimp in it) and SM, Cat and I
went over. My SM is a retired nurse and I had told her what had
happened in the past. She walked into B's bedroom and helped him
out of bed and hugged him and asked how he was --something even
under the best of circumstances I am no good at. I am worthless in
a sickroom, at a sickbed. I am not a good candidate for nursing
school. Anyway this allowed me to walk to the bedroom and stand in
the doorway and "chat" with B. He is quite weak and has a hard time
moving. His shoulders are shrunken and his belly is swollen. He did
come out into the main part of the house and sat for a few minutes,
and then went out on the back patio to smoke a cigarette (Aunt V
says that's the last thing he has and at this point she is willing
to buy them for him).

SM, Cat, Aunt V
and I went to lunch. As we were driving to the restaurant she
started telling us that she and B had had a talk on Tuesday and
discussed final plans. I have a "do-gooder" aunt, Aunt T who is a
master level nurse and has mostly worked in psychiatric care. She
has been over to "discuss making peace" with B. B has told her he
is a peace with what is happening. Aunt V says there will be no
formal funeral, just a gathering at the house.

Somehow seeing him
in this condition has evaporated most of my hurt and anger. I know
he was more than likely drunk when he came in my room. He probably
doesn't even remember he did it. It was gross and icky what he did
and I am still hurt and wounded from the loss of trust but the
anger is gone.

At other family
funerals he has run the kitchen and the food. He has asked me to
help him. He has said I make good kitchen staff and can anticipate
needs and just get things done. I also display the food well. I
think presentation counts for a lot. Even though I used my father's
money, when my dad died, Aunt V and B went to the store and bought
all the food that was served after the funeral. The church had a
commercial kitchen and there was a reception afterwards.

Last night as I
was lying in bed thinking over the day, I knew without a doubt that
when the time comes my final tribute to him and for his mother will
be to make sure there is terrific food provided. This is something
that is important to my father's family. I will do it to honor my
father, out of respect for my aunt and in memory of what B was to
me before he shattered my trust in him.

It is so much
easier to be a hard nosed bitch about what people do to themselves
until you have to look at the results and see them paying the
price. My concern now is that there is a gun in the house. My aunt
has mentioned it to me. My next thing will be to remove it. Surely
she doesn't need to him him commit suicide. My stepmother is quiet
concerned and we talked about it on the way home
yesterday.

Bitsy

December 31, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Bitsy, I read this over and I will need some time today to
process it. I did not want to give a rushed answer.

My first
impression is that your loss of anger is a sort of sign of
forgiveness. Maybe not forgiveness for B, but forgiveness of the
situation. You are right, he might not even realize or remember
what he did, from being drunk, but the loss of anger is a big step
in healing.

I think it's a
wonderful idea, for the food preparation. I am sure everyone will
appreciate it.

I'll be back
later. Have a great day!

December 31, 2010
12:00 am
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MsGuided
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Wow
(((Bitsy)))

You're doing the
right thing and u have a network at home that are on the same page.
All of it is very inspiring. ;0)

January 3, 2011
12:00 am
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bonni
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Hi
Bitsy, I am so glad you are starting to find some peace with this
situation. I think you are right that he probably doesn't even
remember what he did.

I hope you had a
nice holiday. I know I haven't been on. It was a busy leadup to the
holiday and then I got sick and then we traveled. DH is gone now. I
stayed home from work today to disinfect and recover a bit more
before I face the outside world.

I'm getting ready
to have to face the most difficult management situation I've ever
had to deal with beginning this week.

Bonni

January 6, 2011
10:06 am
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StronginHim77
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I am so glad to learn you went to B's home.  This has given you some peaceful closure....and you needed/deserved that.  Please keep us posted?

 

Hugs,

 

Ma Strong

January 6, 2011
4:43 pm
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Thank you Ma.  It is really hard to hold a grudge against someone who is dying a slow death and knows it.  I am glad my stepmother went with me to be a buffer.

Today is my birthday and Cat and I went to the Japanese Steakhouse for hibachi.Surprised

Bitsy

January 6, 2011
4:44 pm
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bonni said:

Hi
Bitsy, I am so glad you are starting to find some peace with this
situation. I think you are right that he probably doesn't even
remember what he did.

I hope you had a
nice holiday. I know I haven't been on. It was a busy leadup to the
holiday and then I got sick and then we traveled. DH is gone now. I
stayed home from work today to disinfect and recover a bit more
before I face the outside world.

I'm getting ready
to have to face the most difficult management situation I've ever
had to deal with beginning this week.

Bonni


StronginHim77 said:

I am so glad to learn you went to B's home.  This has given you some peaceful closure....and you needed/deserved that.  Please keep us posted?

 

Hugs,

 

Ma Strong


Bitsy

January 6, 2011
4:45 pm
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Bonni, I didn't see that you had stopped by.  I am trying to get used to the new format.Surprised

Bitsy

January 6, 2011
5:42 pm
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MsGuided
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY BITSY!

 

feature=related

 

January 6, 2011
8:05 pm
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Hepburn
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY BITSY!!!LaughLaughLaughLaughLaughLaugh

January 7, 2011
9:52 am
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StronginHim77
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY BITSY!!!!!!     HUGS FROM MA!!

January 9, 2011
10:43 am
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darkeyes
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY BITSY!!Kiss

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