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To Bitsy
December 13, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Bitsy,

I had read on the
Safe People thread that you talked with your therapist about maybe
you are leaving the site?

I know we had a
misunderstanding, and I hope that it doesn't change the friendship
that we started. I thought about some of the things that you and I
had talked about on a few of the other threads that we chat on, and
you had said a couple times that you would like to get my insights
on stuff.

So, I thought a
good solution would be that I start this thread for us to chat
together. It can be about anything. I realized that when we chat on
other threads, some stuff goes unanswered, from all of the other
little conversations going back and forth.

Anyone can jump
in, we can't keep others from sharing...but I thought that this
would be a way to keep me on track, and this way if you ask me
something that is important to you, it won't get overlooked as
easily.

It might also give
you good practice to use your voice. You said that you are not used
to speaking up. As you may know, I am probably the most
approachable, non-judgmental person. You can confront me, stand up
to me, and think out loud about stuff with me and I will hear you
out. We always have the option to "agree to disagree" at any point.
Your feelings are your own. Your truth is your truth. I am never
one to argue or convince anyone to see my side.

If you have any
specific guidelines, for our chats, let me know.

So, pick away at
my brain....I will do my best to get back to you when I get spare
moments here and there.

love,
chinadoll

December 13, 2010
12:00 am
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chelonia mydas
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Hi
Bitsy,

Just wanted to
chime in here too...

Just read your
post on the Safe People thread after reading what China
wrote.

I support you
doing whatever is best for you. I will miss you greatly if you go.
You have been one of the consistent voices of reason and sanity in
my life for years now. But if this site is more harm than good,
then please do what you need to do.

Maybe just visit
the coffeehouse every once in a while so we can catch up and
visit.

You are a very
amazing, compassionate, wise, witty, intelligent, resourceful,
dedicated, strong, caring, insightful person that brings much
light, love and comfort to this listserv.

December 13, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I
hope you stay but understand if you leave too, I have done that
many times myself....I have never been able to have a full
conversation with you either, its hard to do on here at
times..

December 13, 2010
12:00 am
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darkeyes
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((BITSY))

December 13, 2010
12:00 am
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It No Longer Matters
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China, thank you for starting the thread. I appreciate your
thoughtfulness and kindness. Right now I have many things to mull
over. It is Christmas and lots of emotions come to the surface for
all of us during the holidays. I have several things to think
about. I want to be more cautious when I speak (type). Somehow I am
often misunderstood. Probably of my own making.

Chelonia:"You are
a very amazing, compassionate, wise, witty, intelligent,
resourceful, dedicated, strong, caring, insightful person that
brings much light, love and comfort to this listserv. " Right back
at cha! You amaze me. Maybe instead of "copying and pasting" here I
need to write this on my bathroom mirror. There are days I don't
feel like it. Maybe if I looked at those words every day I could
"fake it til I made it".

Barefoot: Thank
you as well for your kind words. I so often want to respond to
something you say but am afraid to. Sometimes it has seemed that
there were those on Bitsy's Side and those on Barefoot's Side and
in all the noise you and I did not get to the real meaning of what
we were trying to say to each other. I apologize for my part in any
of that. I have never meant you any harm in anything I have ever
said to you. I have wanted to challenge you, to make you look at
something from a different angle, and to perhaps grow stronger.
Peace be with you.

Darkeyes: Thank
you so much. Sometimes I imagine being in Ireland and finding you
and us going dancing or just sitting by the fire on a cold day
drinking good strong Irish Tea--if it is really cold, perhaps we
should put a little Irish in it? No?

When I was married
my husband and I had a couple friend. They have a son the same age
as Cat and the two babies were Christened together. Two years later
they had a daughter and my "consolation prize" for not being able
to have another child was for ex-husband and me to be her
godparents. We were all very comfortable in each other's homes and
the children were always together. L and I both mothered them all
as if they were our own. The two husbands were friends as
well.

When ex and I
divorced L picked out my divorce attorney and told me the things I
should be doing to protect myself. After the ink was dry on the
divorce papers L and her husband remained friends with my
ex-husband and I was out in the cold. About a year ago G (the
husband) tried to commit suicide. He was not successful (that was
at least his second attempt). Finally L took the children and moved
back to her home town. On December first G shot and killed himself.
The funeral was on the 6th. At one time I would have been who L
would have turned to for comfort and support. I am no longer
although at the funeral when I hugged her I told her I was sorry
not to have been there for her over the past few years. She replied
that she loved me and life sometimes just happened that way. I have
been keeping up with her on FB and everyone was telling her how
strong she was and how they were all praying for her. I sent her a
private message telling her that it got old being strong and that
if she didn't feel strong that was OK. She had a right to feel
anyway that she wanted to feel and that she and I both knew she
would be OK but sometimes you just have to put that burden down for
a little while. This morning I got a response back from her that I
got her through the weekend and here it was Christmas on top of
everything else.

I feel that way
too. I am tired of being strong. I am tired of surviving. I want
more. I don't want to survive. I want to thrive.

Sometimes I get
weary here. I have started threads and watched them fizzle so it
just reinforced the thought process of "no one cares about you
Bitsy". ( I have so identified with that name that I just read the
4th in the Nora Roberts series on weddings and the mother of
someone was named Bitsy and at first I thought there is my
name!)

On the Saturday
night after Thanksgiving I cooked and invited friends over to help
decorate the tree. My next door neighbors are a son and mother. He
used to date a friend of mine and I have known him for almost 20
years. He made some comments abut the condition of my house and I
felt myself shrinking at my own dinner table. One of my friends
called later to tell me how appalled her husband was at the
Neighbor Guys behavior. Do I have a sign on my back that says Kick
Me? What is it about me that makes people feel like they can put me
down.

In talking to the
therapist it has become apparent that the only man alive I really
trust is the guy I work with. I think he and I have a great
relationship, but now it is to the point that I really can't talk
about him or enjoy it because I am conscious of the fact that he is
the only man I talk about and I dont' want anyone to read more into
it than is there. He is an honorable man who has made comments
about not doing business with certain people because they cheated
on their wives. I also would never cross that line. I crossed it
once and it left me feeling cheap and used. (The man was not
married,but had a girlfriend). The therapist has recommended that I
ask Guy to fix me up with someone he knows.

Yes, I have lots
to mull over and I don't know if this is a safe enough place for me
to mull it over. Funny, ever since my mother I have not been able
to keep a journal because she found mine and used it all against
me. I have been able to pour out my thoughts here, but am now a
little more cautious with what I say.

Thank you all for
caring.

Bitsy

December 13, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Bitsy...I am sorry too..I have gotten defensive and too
sensitive. I am trying to change...I like you a lot on here...I
hope we can talk more often...hugs bitsy!

December 13, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Omg...I just read the rest of your post bitsy...it takes me
awhile to read it all and I get sidetracked easily... I am so
sorry! My mom has pulled shity stunts like that! Used things
against me and this woman friend...well be careful cause if someone
can turn their back on you once...esp like that, well they usually
do it again... Gosh bitsy, I am sorry! I also felt unwanted here so
much I think part of my problem was seeking negative attention
cause it was better than none...in an unconscious way...no one is
perfect, we all make mistakes and we all deaserve hugs...after what
most of us suffered, We owe it to us and each other...life is
short...people hurt...so few care...let's take what we can and make
some lemonade!

December 13, 2010
12:00 am
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alien
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I
also only wish you well Bitsy! You are indeed very strong and
courageous and determined and all those things Chelonia
said..

And i also love to
make lemonade. 🙂

Take
care.

December 14, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Bitsy,

You said a lot!
Which is good, and I may have to take your thoughts little by
little to get thru all of them.

As for why do
people feel like they have the right to put you down, I think a lot
of people nowadays have lost their manners. I think sometimes with
the technology and social networking, people do not face each other
in conversation and they forget what it is like to have to be
appropriate. They carry this inappropriate-ness (I may have created
a word, not sure!) into the real world, and they don't even realize
they are being rude.

Also, I find that
manners are not a top priority that is being taught to the younger
generation. I cannot tell you how many times when I had teens who
would say and do really inappropriate things, and I could not even
explain to them *why* they were inappropriate, it just doesn't sink
in.

Perhaps your
neighbor friend never made it to manners class.

I think I may have
remembered that you said that in the South, that women are taught
to always have a smile and be polite. This could be a reason why
you are uncomfortable to confront people when they are out of
line?

As for me, I think
that because I have been in the military for so long, and being in
a leadership position, I have gotten used to confrontation. In the
military, we do not think twice about being politically correct or
polite. We try to remain professional, and there are times when
calling someone out is actually appropriate. It is our way of
saying, "hey, wait a monute, you are being so wrong right
now!"

Prior to being in
the military, I was extremely shy, always quiet, only spoke when I
was spoken to. I probably would have shrunk if I were in that
situation if it happened back then.

What changed for
me is that, as I have gotten older, I just don't put up with
people's shit anymore (excuse my language). After all that I have
been thru, and having situations where I should have spoken up when
I did not, I realized that I need to take things as they come up. I
don't put off telling people what I think. You might not get
another chance, so say it now. I had known other Soldiers that got
killed in action. There isn't another chance to say what you want
to say, so from that, I just address it at that time, and move
on.

This situation
reminds me of a comment that Curious made where she said that her
family makes decisions for her, because they think she "never gets
mad." So, I told her to get mad! Not in a crazy way, but to address
the issue and let them know that they hurt her feelings. If she
continues to say nothing, they will continue their behavior,
because they don't know that it hurts her.

I would suggest
the same to you. If you don't tell people how they make you feel,
either good or bad, they will never know. For instance, the people
in my life that I am very close to, I tell them whenever I see them
that I care about them, I love them. You never know if that is your
last chance to tell them. Why wait? I suppose that I have dealt
with so many losses that I have this mentality like "this might be
it."

So, along the same
lines, I tell them whatever, either positive or negative. I don't
hold on to anything. I wasn't always this way. It took practice to
speak up. Now I think I speak up too much!

As far as the
threads fizzling, I don't think it has anything to do with no one
caring. I can say for me personally, I get inundated with a lot of
information and movement on the threads. I can only process so much
at a time, and my focus is not always the greatest.

OMG, sometimes I
will forget the littlest things, in my real life I try so hard to
stay organized, but it might take me 3 days to remember
something!

I kind of look at
it like the same way as if we were all having a chat. Like 25 of us
talking. If we were all at a party or get-together, we could be
chatting about 50 different things in the course of a few hours.
The subjects would change 50 times. It just happens to flow better
when you are actually talking, as opposed to posting.

I'm sure some of
my threads have died, but there are so many new ones, I don't seem
to notice. So, one dies, start another, no one seems to mind. I
don't know if you happen to notice, I tend to just go with the flow
on everything. There is very little that I try to control in my
life. Things tend to happen despite my efforts. I do make efforts,
don't get me wrong, but I don't hold on tightly to the reigns
anymore.

Well, it's getting
so late. So, I will get back to you on the other stuff.

December 14, 2010
12:00 am
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darkeyes
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((bitsy)) you can come and find me anytime my friend, I am here
in Ireland.. yes we can have strong tea with a little something in
it, would we sing and dance then.. at this time posting this im a
little overwhelmed by life so im just trying to calm down.. love
and hugs Dark!

December 14, 2010
12:00 am
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It No Longer Matters
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China, I did get mad this summer. I actually wrote about it
here because after it was all over I felt so "different" almost
cleansed. I wanted to hold on to the feeling.

Where I live there
is a street out front and in the back there is an alley way that
goes into the back of the houses that face a busy street. My cell
phone doesn't work well at my house so a lot of the times I have to
walk outside to talk on it. My little dog is a shitzu/poodle mix
and weighs 8-10 lbs. If I walk outside he begs at the back door to
go with me. I was distracted talking to a client and let him out
but did not go back inside to get his leash. My fault I didn't have
him on a leash but it was 1 o'clock in the afternoon. There is a
house down the street and the people had only moved in back in the
Spring. Their punk-assed kid turned on to the alleyway and floored
his car. I saw him and I saw my dog in someone's yard tinkling (we
in the South don't like to say peeing - it isn't ladylike) I knew
my dog was too far to get to me safely and I didn't want to have
him run out in the street. Everything went into slow motion. I
screamed NO! Threw down my cell phone and ran. I was in the middle
of the alley with the car headed at me. The punk didn't look up so
I cut to the side and ran up to the drivers side of the car. Just
about the time he slammed on his brakes my dog ran in front of his
car. I couldn't catch my breath and my heart was beating out of my
chest. I leaned in the window of the car screaming like a crazy
woman at the kid demanding to know who he was, where he lived, how
fast he was going, was he a blithering idiot, and I am not sure
what else I said. I am sure he went home and told his parent's I
was crazy and to steer clear of me. I got my dog in the house and
went back for my cell phone. The client called me back to see if I
was OK. He thought maybe I had been in a car wreck.

I know I was wrong
to not have my dog on a leash but that righteous indignation and
that screaming fit I had felt so good. I wouldn't want to go around
chewing people out to make myself feel better but the fact that my
dog was in danger and I protected him and I got ANGRY gave me such
a rush of emotion.

I just don't do
that sort of thing.

I was awake until
2am this morning and had to get up at 6 to get my day started and
get Cat to school. I had a break-through in thinking about goals
and why I can't achieve them. This is the next assignment from the
therapist. I am seeing her every other week so that I can read and
re-read the book and really think about things. She is also a
"career/personal/professional coach". She gave me a sheet to answer
questions about goals. When I finish up with my day and have time I
will write out what I discovered in the wee hours of the morning
and send it to her. I will also copy and paste it here to get your
feedback before my appointment next Monday.

Bitsy

December 14, 2010
12:00 am
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Oh
and even though the above post was directed to China, don't feel I
excluded anyone else from giving me their thoughts. As a matter of
fact I would appreciate hearing what others think about my new
journey.

Bitsy

December 14, 2010
12:00 am
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StronginHim77
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Bitsy
-

I remember you
sharing that incident of the "near miss" with your precious dog and
that hot-rod driver last summer. It was a landmark moment for you.
I certainly wasn't happy to see your darling baby's life
threatened, but I WAS happy to see you break out of your mold and
express your feelings.

Proves you can do
it, given sufficient motivation. You are becoming one of the few
people on these threads who does NOT wear a "mask." Something I
appreciate keenly.

Hugs to
you...

- Ma
Strong

December 14, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Bitsy,

as I had said
before to you on another thread, anger gets a bad rap. People tend
to think of anger as "bad" and they are afraid of it. Anger is just
another emotion, sometimes it is justified. I think that people who
do not know how to express it in a healthy manner are the ones who
use it in an unhealthy manner. And then when you see someone
(especially in public) acting crazy, you are like, "I don't want to
look like that crazy person!"

So people hold it
in, only to let it erupt later.

The situation
would not have been any different had it been your dog or Cat. If
the guy hit Cat with his car, you probably would have wrung his
neck---and people would understand.

One thing I notice
a lot with you, Bitsy, and I hope you don't take this wrong. I
don't mean it to. You seem very concerned with what other people
think. Like you feel like you have to have a certain image of
yourself that you want people to see, and then you hope that they
will accept you.

Have you ever
thought about just not caring anymore what people think?

I ask this because
I was brought up to care about what people think. My Mom was always
very concerned about image. You may have read where I have talked
about the Asian culture, how you don't want to "lose face" with
people, that it is very important to show a "good face" to the
world. I don't think I ever put on a "mask", but if I said or did
something that my Mom thought was not "right", I would get a
talking-to.

Now I don't care.
I stopped caring a few years ago, and it took a while for my family
and my friends to adjust to who they thought was the "new" me. I
said, it's not a "new" me, but the "real" me. I am aware of my
actions, and try my best to be gracious, and I figure at this
point, my character and reputaion speaks for itself, so now I am
just myself. People either like me or they don't. I don't need
anyone's approval. Especially if they are a perfect stranger. What
are the chances I will ever see them again.

I have such a free
spirit now. I don't have all this pressure to "be" someone that I
think other people will accept. My stress level has gone down a
lot.

December 14, 2010
12:00 am
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Life
is kinda of like Facebook, everyone likes to put on their best side
but its not who they really are, I deactiviated my acct today, as I
was falling into the trap of perfectionism to just feel good enough
and it was starting to hurt me...I got tired of seeing women my age
wearing swimsuits on their boats who are married! and having a
stream of married and non married men oggling them...I am better
than that and I rather not see it!

December 14, 2010
12:00 am
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Bf
Girl, I have nothing to do with Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, or any
of those sites. I don't have the time for it, and it is not
something that I am led to participate in. I value my privacy. If I
feel people need to know stuff about me, I tell them, no need for
me to advertise. It is also for my own protection. I do not need
for my ex-husband to find me or know about me. I do not have a
death wish.

I also do not
watch or listen to the news, unless it is something that I really
need to know. The news stresses me out. Too much energy, and mostly
negative. It overwhelms my senses.

I don't pay
attention to what goes on in Hollywood. I do not know them, so what
do I really need to know about them?

I honestly do not
concern myself with what other people do, so I don't see myself
going on Facebook, etc. to be in the know. I am not into gossip
like some of my friends and family. My sister had FB and convinced
our Dad and other family to go on it. They all talk to each other
on it. I figure thay have my phone number and email. Either call me
or email me. Otherwise, it must not be that important for them to
talk to me. I am not going to jump on the bandwagon because they
pressure me. I have my own reasons and if they don't accept it, oh
well. Life goes on with or without Facebook.

December 14, 2010
12:00 am
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Just
had a quick moment to pop in and I will post about the goals when I
can. Thanks to all of you have responded to this thread. Glad to
see you popped in Ma.

Barefoot Girl you
reminded me of the old Lou Reed song. You might want to check and
see if it is on Youtube but I quickly found the words for you. And
China, maybe this describes how you feel about FB as
well:

I was sleeping,
gently napping when I heard the phone Who is on the other end
talking am I even home

Did you see what
she did to him did you hear what they said Just a New York
conversation rattling in my head

Oh, oh, my, and
what shall we wear Oh, oh, my, and who really cares

Just a New York
conversation gossip all of the time Did you hear who did what to
whom happens all the time

Who has touched
and who has dabbled here in the city of shows Openings, closings,
bad repartee everybody knows

Oh, how sad and
why do we call Oh, I'm glad to hear from you all

I am calling, yes
I am calling just to speak to you For I know this night will kill
me if I can't be with you

If I can't be with
you

Bitsy

December 14, 2010
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Soooo....Anyway.... The doctor changed my ADD meds and
yesterday was the first day I took one of the new pills. I got up
yesterday morning at 5:30 and I fell asleep this morning sometime
around 2am. I was back up at 6 to start my day. There is a lot of
good time to think in the hours between 10pm and 2am when you are
tossing and turning and frustrated that you can't sleep.

My boss keeps
drilling it into my head that I need to set a goal. He said if you
want to take Cat to New Orleans or Atlanta for the weekend set that
as a goal and go for it. I have resisted this because anytime I
have thought about doing that the money never was there. Something
always happens so this morning I was thinking about the past and
when I ACTUALLY COULD ACHIEVE GOALS!!!!

1991 I worked for
a bank. That is where I met my friend L. She was recently divorced
and I was recently married. There was a sales contest for the
branch that could open the most new accounts. Each person in sales
would be entered into a drawing and one person would win a cruise.
She and I made a pact that if either of us won the trip we would
take the other. (this meant me as a newlywed would leave my husband
at home). I printed out flyers and plastered cars and businesses
with them. Her name was drawn. I was so excited! I was going on a
cruise! I trusted. She chose to take $1,000 cash award instead of
the cruise and did not share the wealth. I was crushed. I did not
want anything to do with her ever again. My husband told me that I
was going to have to work with her and I needed to get over it.
After all her name was drawn not mine and it was her prize to do
with as she wanted. I swallowed it and went back to work the next
day. Gradually I got over it and our friendship
survived.

In June of 1994 I
went to work in the technology field in sales. My sales territory
was NC, SC, and GA. I had an outside sales rep I worked with in
Atlanta and we were on a team with 2 other women who handled the
rest of the Southeast. As we came up on Calendar Year End a lot of
government agencies were burning their budget money. I could sell
directly to an enduser and get all of the commission or I could
sell through a distrubuter and split my commission with the outside
sales rep in Atlanta. It all depended on the end users comfort
level in installing the system. Mr. Atlanta got all of us, me ,
him, and the two other women on the phone and told us if we helped
him hit his numbers for the year end he would book us all on a
cruise. Well he punched my button. Hold out a carrot and by damn I
will harelip a mule to win. The other two women were smart and
continued to sell direct but I had been promised a PRIZE and I put
a lot of my sales I could have sold direct through the dealers so
that Mr. Outside Sales Rep could make his numbers and take us all
on a trip. Yes. He did hit his numbers and got his bonus but one
thing and another and another and another happened and the cruise
went by the wayside.

At that point
Ex-Husband and I had been married 4 years and were trying to have a
baby. Things weren't working out and I began infertility
treatments. Cat was born in 97 and I quit working for that company
in 98 to stay home with her. I decided to return to college and get
my master's degree in education with the GOAL of taking her to
school with me when she started kindergarten.

In 2000 Ex-Husband
and I celebrated out 10th wedding anniversary. He promised me a
trip to Mexico. I got excited. I had never been out of the country.
( I had travelled with my jobs and I had travelled with my parents
and once we had gone to New Mexico and Colorado to visit some
friends of ex-h. He went camping and left me in Denver with the
parents of one of his friends without a car and with people I
didn't know. Once I had badgered him into going to Blowing Rock NC
but that was a disaster...all he wanted to do was come home) But
Mexico was his idea so I thought perhaps we would have fun. He had
been several times in his early 20's before we were
married.

Then he came to me
and told me how much the trip would cost and told me if we didn't
go to Mexico I could have the RK Surgery on my eyes to correct my
vision. When I thought about a trip to Mexico or not ever having to
wear contacts again I chose to have the surgery. MIL stumbled
across an article that said something about the surgeries not being
successful so I never had the surgery, still wear contacts and
didn't go to Mexico

I graduated with a
4.0 and began the search for a job. I got several interim
positions. Two of them at the same school. One was as a
kindergarten teacher which I am just not cut out to do. Then I got
my dream job at a presitgious private college prep school. My dream
of giving Cat a good education and taking her to school with me was
coming true. I taught 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade math and Cat rode to
school with me every day and attended kindergarten. This was also
the year and a half that my marriage started falling apart. I was
doing everything I could to hold it together. I was seeing a
therapist and I was in a weekley therapy group with other women.
The harder I tried to work on me and work on the marriage the more
resistance I faced. My marriage finally failed due more to apathy
than anything else. I finally just stopped caring.

I planned a trip
to Atlanta over the MLK Holiday that year to visit with a friend. I
told Cat we were going and she was SOOOOO exicited. The night
before we were to leave after school on Friday my friend called.
They were all sick and I would have to postpone the trip. Cat was
crushed. Even her teacher came to me and told me how upset Cat was.
That afternoon the principal came to my classroom after school. She
had just been to a budget meeting and enrollment at that campus of
the school was down. (we were near the beach community and I was
driving quite a distance and the public school had just been built
and had quite a good reputation) and the decision had been made to
let one of the teachers go. I was the last one hired so I was the
one being let go. I burst into tears and told her I just didn't
know what I was going to do. I was trying my best to hold a failing
marriage together and now I had disappointed Cat and I just didn't
know what to do. She said she knew all of that and that is why she
wanted to tell me what the decision was in January (the board
didn't want her to tell me until May) so that I could start looking
for something else and make plans for what I would do when my
contract was up. She fought to tell me because she knew I had been
to speak with a divorce attorney.

I eventually
started networking the car line and one of the mothers told me her
husband had just lost his assistant and sent him to speak to me. I
was hired and sort of fell into real estate as a commercial
broker's assistant. I got my real estate license and described
myself as JF's Keeper. My duties involved running the office,
driving all over hell's half acre photographing or scouting out
properties, keeping his credit card in my wallet so that I could
stop and the smoothie place and get him a smoothie, coordinating
the move of the office two times and setting up the server and
network to run the entire company. During this time I had gotten a
divorce and started dating R.

My first gift from
R was a trip to Jamaica! I had never been out of the country it was
all so new and exciting and over the next few years I put up with a
lot, but I went to Jamaica, Hawaii, St. Thomas, and St.
Lucia.

When we were
married Ex-Husband would never talk about setting aside money to
take Cat to Disney. After we were divorced he started dating
someone who was taking her high school aged daughter to Disney and
convinced him to go with them and take Cat. It broke my heart but
his Christmas present to her in 2005 was a trip to Disney World. He
told me he was taking her so Santa brought her a new suitcase and
new clothes to take on her trip. I so wanted to see my precious
baby's face when she found out she was going to Disney World that I
asked to bring her to her Nana's on Christmas morning so I could
see her open her present: a Mickey Mouse picture frame and an
autograph bood (that new girl-friend had gotten Cat to get all the
Disney character's autograph) and a note telling her that she and
Daddy and Nana were going to Disney World with Miss C and her
daughter H.

I cried all the
way home. But my baby got to go to Disney World and that is what
mattered most to me.

A friend, L, as a
matter of fact asked me not too long ago about setting goals
professionally. The Guy I work for is constantly on me to set sales
goals. I can't set a goal. I can't. I cannot set a goal again and
have my feet knocked out from under me. I just can't. A lot of it
stems from my mother telling me as a child to go to bed and get a
good nights sleep, tomorrow we are going to Disney World and
tomorrow would come. I would be so excited and she would have some
excuse as to why we couldn't go. Eventually I learned not to get
excited and just go on to bed anyway. I also learned not to trust a
word she said. I have never wanted to be like my mother and I was
once when I promised Cat we were going to Atlanta and we didn't. I
can't do that to her and so now I am paralyzed. Instead of setting
a goal and achieving it I drift through life being happy for
whatever good happens and just chalking the bad up to well that's
life.

I have cried my
way through writing this and I know it sounds so petty but it was
the realization I had last night as to why I do the things I do. I
just dont' know how many more times I can pick myself
up.

Bitsy

December 14, 2010
12:00 am
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StronginHim77
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I
don't think it was "petty" at all. I read the entire posting,
Bitsy. Have you ever gotten any support from ACOA (Adult Children
of Alcoholics)? Just a thought that came to me. Disapointment and
crushed hopes are a common denominator for most ACOA's. Small
wonder you are reluctant to 'set a goal.'

Thanks for sharing
with us. You are so real, I can nearly picture you.

- Ma

December 14, 2010
12:00 am
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I am
off to the monthly women's get together of a Sunday School class I
don't attend. Tonight is our Christmas ornament swap.

This is one of my
functional vs. relational activities I do. I would consider these
women acquaintances not true deep friends. I doubt I ever will be
with any of them but it keeps me from hiding in the bathtub with a
glass of wine reading a book.

Ma: When my mother
went through an alcohol treatment faciltiy when I was 17 the
therapists thought I was too mature for Alateen (teenage children
of alcoholics talking about how drunk they got last Friday
night)

ACOA was still in
the infancy stage in my area and the councelors approached them
about letting me attend their meetings. They did not want me. I
have never tried to go back. I did attend Celebrate Recovery and I
have the Positive Affirmations for ACOA book and I have read
Perfect Daughters about the daughters of alcoholic
women.

Bitsy

December 14, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Hope
you enjoy the party Bitsy! Sounds like fun, even if its just
surface, I sometimes do things like that but not often cause I
often blend into the background and no one notices me and I then I
leave upset and sometimes even crying..always.

And its feeling
sorry for myself or not trying, that is just what my fate is and I
have just accepted that I will always be socially casted
out.

You been through
so much and yet you have achieved alot Bitsy, I admire you, you are
a very strong and very wise person, so many women do not see what
having an alcohlic parent has done to them, they make excuses for
their moms, hang around the money and expose their own child to
more abuse, I appalude you!!!

your friend who
took the money bailed on you, i would of just zoned her into the
catergory of "work friend" at best with no lunch dates! Yes you had
to work with her, but that was just plain rotten, a deal is a deal
is a deal!

I worked out to
graduate from college and managed to actually graduate and attend
one semester of Graduate school but that was it, I was likely I got
that far, studying for me was very hard, my thoughts would drift
and I would not really be able to be there and study the way you
should...not add or anything like that, just kinda of out there
with my brain, its not wired right.

Bisty, you have
done so much and still are! I would never be able to do that on my
own, I can not even hold down a job cause I cry too easily around
people and they see someone wounded and tear me apart, I would
probably have to live on welfare if my husband died, I worry about
it, cause I have alot of emotional problems.

I think your doing
well!

December 14, 2010
12:00 am
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bonni
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Dear
Bitsy, I just skimmed through this and I'm so sorry I haven't been
here for you more. We so frequently parallel each other its
eerie.

I'm sorry you are
going through a down phase. I think that Christmas does this for
many people. What you wrote about Disney makes me upset for you.
How dare your mother do that to you! How dare your ex do that to
you!

Its odd about the
goals. I am at a point where I am considering new goals, but not
really feeling like it. That's weird because that's very unlike me.
I am very goal driven. I understand your reluctance. I still think
goals are good because they help you focus and make
decisions.

I liked the
suggestion about asking the ONE guy you like, admire and trust to
set you up. I'd phrase it different - maybe along the lines of this
- George (in my head that's his name), you are the first man that I
have known that I really respect and admire. Would you think about
helping me to meet other men who share your values and character?
I'm not sure I'm ready for a new relationship or anything like
that, its just that I'd like to have more people in my life like
you. Only because I don't get the sense that you are ready for more
than just meeting new people, but maybe that's me.

Anyway, you are in
my heart and I think of you often. I just can't be here that
often.

bonni

December 15, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Bitsy, I don't think it has so much to do with you not wanting
to or being able to set goals. I think it's more that you don't
want to set yourself up for disappointment anymore. because it sure
sounds like you have had your share.

A lot of people in
your life have let you down. They did not keep their word. You
relied on them to hold onto their end of the deal, and they
didn't.

It's not petty.
But also realize, it has less to do with you, and more to do with
them. It's a reflection of their character, not yours.

Except for your
friend whose family was sick for MLK weekend. That was totally
beyond your control, and theirs. Although Cat was disappointed, it
couldn't be helped, by you or by them. Illness happens. I think it
affects you a lot because she was so young at the time, and I'm
sure it was hard to try to explain that it was no one's fault--add
that to what you experienced in your own childhood with all your
Mom's broken promises.

You took ownership
of that, and it sounds like you still possess it, when there isn't
a need to. And those emotions that are tied to that is dictating
your not wanting to ever have her experience that type of
disappointment ever again. Let it go. Accept the reality of it, and
put the Atlanta trip that didn't happen to rest.

My Mom also had a
hard time to keep promises. It was not malicious or with harmful
intentions. My Mom's biggest problem was that she was very
impulsive. She would often say yes without thinking it thru. Then
something else would come along, and she would say yes to that too.
Then yes to the next and the next, and then realized that she could
not say yes to everything. She was a pleaser. It was too hard for
her to say no. But it got her into quite a mess a lot of times. I
learned growing up that her yes had a 50-50 chance to stick. So, my
expectations were not so high. And then if her promise was kept, it
was like, ok, I guess it's really going to happen.

It didn't help my
trust issues. And then everything else I experienced caused me to
have almost no trust issues. Now, I don't give trust, or respect.
People have to earn it from me. I am also quite skeptical. Like,
yeah, I'll believe it when I see it. I've had too many people
mis-represent themselves, that I kind of doubt before I give them
any benefit.

December 15, 2010
12:00 am
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{{{{China, Chelonia, Barefoot, Alien, Ma, Darkeyes, and my
Flysister Bonni}}}} You ladies cannot know how much it mean to me
to be able to work these issues out with you. I value your feedback
and words of wisdom and comfort.

Bonni--yes it is
eerie how out lives parallel. George is not the name of the guy I
work with but it is the name of someone very close to me and there
is a bond with him that can never be broken.

I had a very
strange dream last night and woke up terrified. It was about a
woman being brutally murdered but in the dream it was deja vu. I
knew she was going to be murdered---it had happened before but as
it was playing out again she changed the dynamics and even though
the man (boyfriend? husband? lover?) thought he had killed her this
time when I found her body she was alive and I woke up as I was
calling 911 to come to her she was alive!!!!

Anyway, somehow
after this dream I was lying awake and the words to the poem Death
of the Hired Man came to mind:

“Home is the place
where, when you have to go there, They have to take you in.” I have
a busy day. Peace to all. I will check in later.

Bitsy

December 15, 2010
12:00 am
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Yikes
Bitsy! I had one of those, where I knew someone was going to be
kidnapped...and I watched it all happen right in front of me a
second later!

I know all about
broken promises and being let down...so much that I do not expect
anything anymore...taking a few crumbs here and there...but the
difference now is...I hand out crumbs too now...so its
even!

I know friend a
would blow me off...no more calls...she knows I see her for who she
-IS now....I am sure she will forget about me soon enough...well
good riddance to her! Lol!

I still have the
other friend and my bf online..better than what I had my whole
life...no one...so for now its ok I guess.

China...I feel the
same way about Hollywood. These people are narcassictic and mean
nothing to me and I hate gossip...I suppose fb just had nothing to
really offer...I would not have left....and the men...gosh the
pm...married too...I just say hi and never responded...what am I
your new whore of the month? I don't think so! I am going to stay
here where people want to focus on being real, healthy and
honest:)

I am beginning to
feel comfortable here as long as I stay near people who are
safe:)

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