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to be the stalkee
February 26, 2000
10:22 pm
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dora
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Hello, i am fairly unfamiliar with all of this but am happy to have discovered all about counseling. last fall i broke up with my live in boyfriend after a 2 year relationship. he kept trying to patch things up but i did not want to because he was trying to control every detail of my life down to what i was "allowed" to wear. he called and called and i told him not to so he wrote me lots and lots of email messages attempting to get back together. i told him to stop so he wrote lots of letters and sent them by mail and started calling again. this went on for three months. finally i told him not to contact me in any way. he apparently didn't like this at all and began coming up with excuses and reasons he absolutely needed to see me i.e. i think you still have some of my stuff etc. he even showed up at my place of work as a new hire and quickly left.

i finally called the cops and they called him to tell him he could be charged with harrassment/stalking. i was terrified to do that because i thought he might fly off the handle. he was never physically harmful to me but had been very physically violent towards a man who was admiring me at a bar.

it was new years when i called the cops on him and hadn't heard a peep until this valentine's day. On the 14th he sent me an email simply stating that he thought i had some important papers that he needed and would i look for them. he also briefly stated that he felt that he was in a better frame of mind these days and would like to talk to me. i replied that i didn't have his papers.

this experience has been very difficult and has caused me to lose lots of sleep and feel anxious almost always. my body had become tired and i felt extremely stressed out. i also recently started a new job and am feel stressed out by the whole new job experience. i am in a new place so i don't have any friends to share all this with and talk it out. and to top it all off i have been feeling like i want to contact my ex to see if he is doing well. i know that i should do that but i want to know that he is doing well. can anyone relate?? better yet help???

February 27, 2000
7:57 pm
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janes
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Why would you want to know if he is doing well? If he was trying to control everything right down to what you were wearing why are you letting him continue to control you now?

New job...big stress, needing new friends..big stress. don't give in to the stress by returning to something you know was not conducive to your health. Physically and mentally.

How did you feel during the montha and a half when he did not call?

How did ou make new friends the last time you needed too? Can you join a gym or class (aerobics/yoga) that would help releave some of the stress and get you out with people.

A church ? A hot line?

You hve this place now andfrom what I have read you will find lots of friends here too.

Hang in there... You sound strong. you will make it if you wnat too.

February 28, 2000
8:49 am
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hazza
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HI Dora,
I think it is the stress that you are under that is tempting you to contact this man again,

When we feel under stress, most people tend to resume whatever life patterns feel most comfortable and normal to them. If you have been in a co=dependent / abusive relationship even after it has ended, there can be a strong desire to return, purely becuase this is what your body had gotten used to.

This man did all your thinking for you and controlled you. this was a co-dep relationship. this is why he cannot let go of it now. and is harrassing you. he need to get back to that way of life where he is the controller in a relationship. You have a natural tendency towards submission (as do i and many other co-deps here!) you are used to being in that kind of relationship and so your mind is yearning for what it feels is normal, HOWEVER it is a yearning for ways of relating to people that is not healthy, but co-dep.

You need to be strong to change this part of you, learn about it and understand it because you will repeat this way of relating throughout your life without changing it. Even if this man leaves you alone, you could find your self being attracted again and again to the same kind of man and ultimatley the same kind of relationships. Alot of pain really when you think about it.

Read some of the other co-dep threads here, many of the threads deal with this issue even if they don't appear to from the title.

You have done so well to start over and leave this abusive relationship. You can find peace within yourself without retuning to this man or others like him to find happiness, but it takes a lot of work to break the habit, but i know yo will be able to do it.
Good Luck
Hazza

February 28, 2000
4:47 pm
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dora
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hey hazza and janes,
thanks for the wise words. it is nice to get a clear perspective. with spring around the corner i think i will do just fine meeting new people and forgetting the old one. i have learned much already from this web site. hopefully that shall continue!!
dora

February 28, 2000
7:58 pm
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janes
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Dora ....learning can and will continue..with or without this website. Trust yourself... the free independent aware self you want to be.

You are worthy...of a life full of joy and happiness.

Good luck

March 2, 2000
10:44 pm
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infaith
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September 27, 2010
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dora, you are lucky things did not get worse, but if you bring him back even with the slightest hint and cut him off again, he will try to tighten the grip even more and lose a grip on himself.
I had an ex stalk me for years, job, school, leaving letters for people saying they were from me, threatening me and my children......
when i first met him i thought he was pretty harmless until I got further involved and worse when i escaped......thats when they can get very vendictive when they realise they have lost all control.
Your wanting to know how he is is to assure yourself that he isnt worse and crazy, bonding with the abuser.etc
dont...get some friends and support around you asap

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