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To all who are still trying to let go of their ex-abusers...an update from Rev.
August 28, 2006
7:12 pm
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revelation
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Hi All!

I just had a look back at my threads from the last year...it was HARD!!!! Right from the moment of the break-up, finding I was pregnant, miscarrying...and all of the absolute hell that wierdo loser put me through after.

I know there are some of you here today, who are still hurting so so so much just like I was...and I'd really like to maybe give some help and hope to you all.

When we first broke-up I thought I had messed up the perfect relationship, with the perfect man...because I was so messed up.

OH MY GOD, I'll say it again OH MY GGGGGGAAAAWWWWDDDD was I WRONG!!!

Ok, there is lots of new people here, who don't know my story...so, I'll give a brief outline....

Me before my ex: 29, good job, own home, own car, own teeth, pretty, well-travelled, lots of friends, great social-life, lots of interests, my family have had their problems, but we are close and supportive of each other (most of the time!).
To my friends and family, I was a happy, bubbly girly-girl who people instantly warmed to. In my 20's I had problems with drugs (cocaine), but I got myself out of that, and learned that being fake just makes you miserable, so I was always honest and genuine, and that is why people generally like me.

Him before me: 33, never had a steady job, was a musician but not in any bands, still lives at home with parents, never had a car, rotten teeth which can easily be fixed, but because he doesn't work, he never had the money to pay for them. Didn't have any close friends, he did have friends who he grew up with..all musicians too, but they tended to keep him at a distance...he was known as being a bit sneaky, a bit of a two-faced bitch, and generally just odd. But people tolerated him and where generally cordial to him, because...well I think they felt sorry for him. Nevre had a real relationship...never had much success with women (I've learned now, he just gives people the creeps!)

By the end of our relationship...this bloke had me believing that I was a complete psycho, that nobody liked, I was ugly, stupid and slow...and that he was the popular guy. I got him into a band with some friends...he began to believe (and had my believe) that they were actually his friends...not mine.

I'm not going to go into anymore detail...search down for any threads with "rev" in the title to get the gist.

Anyway, bottom line is, the guy completely emotionally abused me and had me messed up in the head. I was angry about that...and bitter, and I want to get him so many times and tell him that...but I had to let that go...these guys don't purposely emotionally abuse....they are messed up...they believe they are normal...nothing and nobody is going to make them see that!!! Some do have a light-bulb moment and see whats happened and go about recovering...most don't though...most end up alone and lonely...

What I'd like to say to any of you who're going through what I went through is this:

1. Do NOT expect to just wake up one morning and be over this person, you have to peel the disease they have injected into your brain, off in layers like an onion.

2. The feelings of love will be the first to go....the hard part is getting rid of the anger and bitterness...thats taken me a year.

3. Don't contact these people EVER again, even if you think you can handle it and you are over them (because you don't love them anymore), they can still hurt and damage you.

4. Expect days even several months after you've broken up, where you will miss them and long for them...its not really them, but the person they pretended to be in order to hook you in, that you are missing, expect it, cry over it, have a blanket day...but don't wallow in it, go out and do stuff no matter how miserable you feel...do NOT contact them.

5. I CANNOT stress the importance of no contact enough.

Put it this way...someone you know is suffering from a highly contagious life-threatening disease, you feel sorry for them and want them to get better, but they are not helping themselves to get better. If you are codependent, you will spend time with that person, trying to help them, although they don't want to be helped. YOU catch the disease, and straight after...they recover, and THEY won't come near you, because YOU have a contagous disease....NOW, DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT NO CONTACT IS ABOUT????? PLEASE....NO CONTACT!!!!!

If you have children with the person, only contact about the children...do not let any conversations start up...its in what they say that the damage is done.

6. Go out and buy some books on codependency and self-esteem NOW...and read them over and over again until it sinks in.

7. YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT...stop blaming yourself, stop beating yourself up...this is a symptom of the disease this person has passed on to you. Read up on emotional abuse...they WANT you to blame yourself.

So, I think that now, almost a year after we broke up, the final few layers are all but peeled away.

The people who he became friends with while we were together (my friends) are now no longer his friends. He has driven them all away with his madness and they have finally seen through it...these people have actually come up to me to say "My god, you had a lucky escape" I'm like "Uh DUH...shoulda believed me last year sucker!"

Recently the gang (including me) were invited to a christening of two of our friends who recently had a lovely baby girl. When I got the invite, I felt so awkward, but I had to ask "Is T invited?" because, if he was, there is no way I could have gone...and up to this point, I thought they were all still in touch with him. My friend replied back "Um, not so far...are you two still together" to which I replied simply "No", so she then shrugged her shoulders and said "Well, then the answer is NO, T is NOT invited"

In other words, he would only have been invited as my boyfriend...because they like ME....

I saw him a few days ago, I smiled and said "hello" as I would any acquaintance on the street. His face is hard and angry all the time. He replied a very brusque and stilted "hello" back, and as I walked by, I couldn't help but smile.....Oh how the mighty have fallen....he just got too big for his boots.

Now, I'm starting my degree in psycho-therapy next month, I have lots of lovely friends, I am so busy I find it hard to make time to just go and walk the dog or go for a jog. I am going on a date next week with a really nice man...I don't have any expectations from the date, only to have a good time. I'm healthy, I have a lovely family, my mother and I have completely rebuilt our once so damaged relationship. I have more money to spend on me and my house. I've been on two lovely holidays this year...I'm having the time of my life!!!

He is 36, he lives at home still, he gets odd jobs with his father from time to time. None of the people he grew up with want anything to do with him, his sisters barely give him the time of day, he'll probably never be asked to join another band again. He deep down, must live with the guilt of what he did to me and my family...I'm not sure how he sleeps at night...but its not my problem!!!!!

To get all technical about it...this guys main problem is his parents. His parents relationship is one for appearances sake only....they barely communicate...they have no friends, they only leave the house to run errands or go to work...they have no social life (To my ex, this is a normal relationship..even though, logically he knows it not). His father was a bully...his father completely controls his mother. T now lives on his own with them...and T has always been the only person that his mother can control (Those who are controlled...usually seek out someone more vulnerable to control). When T's mother saw him slowly beginning to break-free and be happy...she turned the screws a little and it worked for her...she won...I lost...I'm glad about that for two reasons.

1. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that I have to be in control of in order to be happy. If one person in a relationship is controlled by forces (be it addiction, parent, psych problems etc) outside the relationship, then it just becomes a battle for control of that person between the outside forces and the other person in the relationship...I don't want to be in that kind of relationship.

2. Although he may do a really good job at faking normality...this man is messed up, and would probably require years of psychiatric help to ever be able to communicate and trust anyone to a normal degree. the thought of being in a relationship with someone so unhealthy, makes my chest get tight with anxiety.

haaaaaaa, I'm glad I wrote all that. When I see this bloke the feelings I have are disgust and revulsion he gives me the creeps. Ahhh Trevor, I can see you for who you really are now...so sad!

Some day....if you really do want to recover from this...you will feel the same way.

Take care,
Rev.

August 28, 2006
7:29 pm
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lollipop3
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(((Rev))),

What a beautiful, articulate and heartfelt post!

Yes, you have come a long way baby!

Much respect,

Lolli

August 28, 2006
7:41 pm
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(((Rev))) Great and inspirational post. Thanks hun! You're one of the brightest cheerleaders on this site and I am so proud of your achievements, new goals and outlook.

I sympathize with lots of you've said. My xbf has lots in commom with your xbf/fiance. All I can do for him is keep him in my daily prayers and move on. He really needs to wisen up and start realizing that he needs help and healing.

Ironically, right across from where my xbf and his gf live there is a coda meetings in the basement of that church in out area. I pray that someone will tell them about those coda meetings and they will both start attending.

~Ras~

August 28, 2006
7:56 pm
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revelation
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LLLLLOOOOOLLLLLEEEEEE!!!!! RRRRAAASSSSS!!!! Mwah-mwah-mwah! How are you doing?

I'm so sorry I haven't been around for a while guys, I've been really busy...I've read some of the threads from new people here...and instead of replying to each thread with a half-assed bit of help, I wanted to try help all with one mega-post!

Ras, honey, glad to hear you are still praying...you are still in my prayers and in my thoughts hun! Your ex bf is a loser chick...he'll probably won't ever realise his problems, but you won't care soon, you'll be too busy enjoying life!

Lolli how are ya doin chick?

Rev.

August 28, 2006
8:16 pm
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Guys, I forgot...one really great tip to help you get over these guys....it may not work straghit away, but at some stage of recovery it will.

Its this: No doubt, before you got into a relationship with this person, you had some hopes and dreams, some realistic and practical, others completely whimsicle.

My little fantasy dream, was that someday I'd meet a really nice very rich guy, who'd sweep me off my feet, I'd never have to work again, and he'd buy a fabulous villa for us in the south of france...its completely materialistic and fantastic I know...and I'm certainly not out there looking for a rich guy...but when I met T, that dream fell by the wayside, and I resigned myself and was completely happy to be, the main bread-winner (after all, true-love is more important than being rich). Now though...that dream is alive again...when I'm feeling down, I surf the net looking at fabulous french chateux's for sale...no, I know its probably never gonna happen, and it won't effect my happiness whether my true love is rich or poor as long as he's prepared to work as hard as me....but its just lovely to fantasize about it for a little while!!!

Try it...it makes me feel good!

August 28, 2006
8:46 pm
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rev, wow! it's great to hear that you have your life back and yourself back. good luck with your date and hey, you never know, that french villa might come a reality sometime. thanks for your post, it gives me hope. and lots of things about your xbf ring true about mine. thank you!

August 28, 2006
8:48 pm
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Rev - You wouldn't believe that but my exbf has no diploma, lost his job 2 years ago and moved into a gf's place and ever since then - as far as I know - still lives with her jobless. He is definitely abusing her allwise: financially, emotionally, sexually, and energetically and even mentally and physically, since she is offering him free shelter, meals, laundry, sex, tenderness for his broken ego.

Despite all this she loves him unconditionally, obeys him just like a "doormat." I honestly don't know how his gf can put up with all this abuse and pressures!!!

In addition, he spends the week-end without her and she is quite happy with that. The only time he took her out was in order to kiss her in front of me in order to tease me and make me jealous.

A gf of mine predicted to me that this relationship would not last. I wonder when will his gf has just a little bit of self-respect to brush off all this grime, toxins and dust this man is causing her & call it quits?

August 28, 2006
9:03 pm
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Hi Rev

Good to hear that you are doing so well. A psychotherapy degree, eh? Way to go with that!

Just wanted to let you know that your message is very timesly for me today, especially the part about how such a damaged person would require years of therapy to function in a healthy way, yet for one reason or another, they won't seek help.

You're right, we (I) need to be with someone who is functional *now*.

godspeed to you, my dear 🙂 hugs from kroika

August 28, 2006
9:18 pm
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lovinglife
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Rev~

Thank you so much for your post- very inspiring. Just what I needed to read tonight.

LL

August 29, 2006
5:21 am
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revelation
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Hi Kroika is the beatles thread still going strong?! thanks! and you too LL!

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