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To all of you questioning if your marriage is "happy"
February 1, 2007
11:07 am
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ceh964
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curlybrown-sorry about your frustration. I had to laugh about the calvary thing. We are living the same life girl! We have to stop letting them push our buttons!

hopeful for change- I lived your exact situation for many years with my last husband. I chose security as well for the last 7 years of the marriage. Then I got horny and left. Now, I am in the marriage from hell. So I don't know, sex or security? Now I have neither.

February 1, 2007
11:14 am
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nappy
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I suggest that you read CO-DEPENDENCY NO MORE or any other books that is about codependency. It is a must read book. It will help to answer some of your questions. It is not to answers questions about your spouse but about you as a person and to why you do what you do. It really is good and is a very eye opener to the ones that is really reading and trying to get a good understand about themselves. We can search and search for answers and still be putting up with the same mess that we are in.
Codependency from both person is very hard work. It is not the other person that is choosing your life, it is you who is letting the other person choose for you. You have given up all power to this person because if you didn't you wouldn't be here. Giving that much power to someone is very dangerous. Why because the only person that is hurting is you. Your mind is hurting, your heart is hurting and that is just to much hurt for some people to bear. But when you have been in that much hurt for so long then that is what you are going to take and have to except until you as a person change it.
Stress is becoming a number one killer. Stress dies kill. I guess some people don't put stress up there with cancer or aids because they are still in denial because of there situation but knowing all along that they is becoming sick because of that other person. But is still hanging on that rope of hope that things will change. Clinging so type that they have rope burns on there hands from pulling and pulling and that other person is just pulling even harder to the other side of stress. Fear of the unknown because we don't know what is going to happen if we let go.
Well for one thing by letting go and trying to over come codependency is very hard but it is a must is you want to keep living. Especially if you have kids. We all wouldn't be here on this site if all of this didn't start from when we were a child, but now is the time to break the cycle from our children. Because then you can't ask yourself why little sarah is so mess up or why little jimmy is not doing right. We will already know the answers. Codependency is a illness and it needs to be deal with.
Because the answers is that it is not the other person that is making you stress, it is the only person that we look at everyday, it is ourselves.

February 1, 2007
11:20 am
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mamacinnamon
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Curlybrown:

Suggestion:

IF you have time today, I know you are at work, but write down what your husband says to you. The exact words no matter how filthy they are. What he says to you, about you, your son, etc. I don't remember if he is physical but that too if he is. Walk into the meeting tonight w/ your head up and hand your list to the pastor. Say "This is what I live w/ on a daily basis. How can I be submissive and a good wife and nonreactive when this is what I am living w/ daily and in front of our son. What kind of Christian man acts like this."

Be prepared for tonight. If you husband says things that are not true call him a liar in front of the pastor. I'm sure if he strikes you in front of the pastor then you'll have a good witness when your day of court comes.

Just my suggestion.

February 1, 2007
11:24 am
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curlybrown
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Nappy - I actually do own codependency no more. Guess its about time I open it and read it. My problem is my motivitation to do so. I guess I'm scared. I also work all day and when I get home- I'm just exhausted and the thought of opening that book with idiot around- well - I don't want to hear him start calling me a victim again. Oh you poor victim- you're always the victim.

CEH064- I looked up and registered under the positive psychology website as you had suggested. Very interesting informationn. Thank you. I have the appt. today w/the atty. I was all gun-ho to go this am and now I am scared again. So you understand the cavalry situation? It is a terrible one, making us feel more guilty than we already do. The worst about my husband is that he doesn't really ever apologize- his tactic is to blame it all on me, then go crazy, then threaten, then go crazy, then call the cavalry and tell me and them its all my fault.

February 1, 2007
11:27 am
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curlybrown
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mamacinnamon-

Thank you for the suggestion. I will do that, perfect for tonight. I will feel somewhat prepared b4 I go and will be able to keep my thoughts together. I will definitely say "This is what I live w/ on a daily basis. How can I be submissive and a good wife and nonreactive when this is what I am living w/ daily and in front of our son. What kind of Christian man acts like this." Thanks for giving me the words to say since I can't get them together on my own!

February 1, 2007
12:18 pm
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curlybrown
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Here we go again. He calls me at work (all nice) after cursing and insulting me the entire morning- to inform me that he picked up the rent check from my tenants. As if he did me a favor.

MANIPULATION ALL OVER AGAIN! HOW MUCH MORE DO I TAKE???

February 1, 2007
12:30 pm
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mamacinnamon
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cb:

You are most welcome.

How much more do I take? That is up to you. Ya know it seems like we can always take a bit more doesn't it. When do we draw the line? I guess when we are ready to. My best to you today. Be strong; hold your head high; and know that you are sane in an insane world. 🙂

February 1, 2007
12:32 pm
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nappy
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Curlybrown, please do pick up the book and start reading it. It does help and it does give you answers.
If you is going to have trouble thinking on what to say. Write them down. Lay it all out in the open because since your husband is knowing that you two have to go and see the pastor, he is going to put on that mask and start acting nice, trying to sway the problems on you, so that the paster can look at you like you are the that is crazy.
Please, let this be the time that you stand up for yourself. Right in front of the pastor. I strongly suggest what mama said about letting the pastor know what you goes through every day.
It is a game to your husband and he wants you to play it and you have been. Now you don't want to play anymore and it is time to stop. How you stop is up to you.
I would be asking myself the number one questions.
WHO SAID THAT I HAVE TO TAKE THIS?

February 1, 2007
9:23 pm
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ceh964
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curlybrown-my husband does the same thing. He use to apologize even when he was not wrong! Until the wedding. Ain't that some shit? He turns everything around and blames me for it all now. Mine really does not go crazy, he just pushes buttons and then shuts down COMPLETELY. Let us know how the meeting goes.

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