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To all of you questioning if your marriage is "happy"
January 30, 2007
6:38 pm
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ceh964
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Hi,
I used to post up until about a year ago under a different name. I can't remember what it was for the life of me so I created a new one. I read most all of the posts, but I felt the need to weigh in on this subject.
I divorced my third husband about a year ago because the marriage was so stale. We were together for 16 years, married for 13 of those. He was an alcoholic for 9 of the 16 years. After I confronted him about being with a prostitute while he was drunk on January 4th, 1998 (don't just just love how dates stick?) he promised me that he would never drink again if I would just stay. He never touched a drink again. As a matter of fact, he became all that a wife could ask for. Slowly but surely the sex life fizzled, (like no sex for the last 3 years) because I grew very cold. One night in 2004 the thought crossed my mind that if I stayed "oh my God, I will never have sex again" and soon after that an "old flame" came into the picture and out of lonliness, boredom etc. I caved. I left him and moved in with the old flame. What I have learned may help some of you. Those of you who describe your marriage as "comfortable", I know the grass may look greener BUT trust me if you have a husband that you can be comfortable and secure with I ask that you please realize what a blessing that is. You say "there's no fireworks anymore" well, that old flame is now my 4th husband and there are plenty of fireworks. There is also plenty of insecurity and no trust and a feeling that I may never rest again. Comfortable? I don't even remember what that feels like. So before you trade it that dull. normal life--think twice. If you have a good man, give him a hug.

January 30, 2007
6:52 pm
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truthBtold
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Well....most honestly said ceh964.

Something for ALL of us to think about.

Thank you for being so vulnerable and to share such personal insights.

I am sure that it will give many of us something to chew on!

Theree just ain't no such thing as a "Prince Charming"....is there?

Fuck all of those God Damned Cinderella shit fucking fairy tales....you know?

I say - If you can talk to your man...and be yourself...(which, by the way - I find that the older I get....the more blunt I become) ...and he "gets it" all the best to ya - you know?

Thanks.

January 30, 2007
8:21 pm
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red blonde
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Please take no offense in what I am going to ask or say, none is really intended.

You said you divorced your third husband a year ago and that now you are on your fourth husband, right? It sounds like you didn't take time for yourself or to really get to know your old flame before you moved in with him and/or married him.

Looking at #4 and comparing him to #3, well, alot of things appear to be better when looking backwards. But is that what or whom you should be looking back at?

I don't want to sound harsh or mean here...but shouldn't you be doing some work on yourself, first, before you lament leaving your third husband because of the way things are with you and your fourth husband at the present moment?

TruthB is right, there are no Prince Charmings and there also are no Cinderellas!

January 30, 2007
8:48 pm
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ceh964
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Truthbtold-you are welcome!

Red Blonde- no offense taken. Believe me, I know that I have not done the work I need to on myself(I am starting to). The old flame is someone I have "known" all my life. This is a very dangerous notion. Because I really don't think I know him at all. I am guilty of comparing the two. It is not fair to him. However, the reason I posted is because I want others to be aware of what they might get into. The point I was trying to make is that "comfortable" really might not be that bad after all.

January 30, 2007
9:32 pm
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red blonde
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Thank you for not taking any offense.

I just feel it is one thing being 'comfortable' and a totally different thing when you are just 'settling'.

January 30, 2007
9:33 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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I think you are right. Marriage--in the long term may lose fireworks adn sparkle. But comfortableness and communication mean a lot. I searching for that perfect someone may be fruitless.

January 30, 2007
9:55 pm
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Loralei
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ceh,

There is a lot of truth in what you said. And it's those very reasons that I haven't divorced. Some of the lovers I've had were amazing in bed, so romantic, thoughtful, intelligent, handsome, the list goes on. Yet with each one of these lovers, there was something wrong with them that I knew I couldn't live with even if everything else had fallen into place. One was a perpetual womanizer who couldn't handle money, one was just too boring to talk with, one was totally self-absorbed and selfish (wasn't capable of really loving anyone), one was an asshole, and one was only interested in BDSM and our 'interests' didn't match. (although he was my closest match of all) And those were the only ones I was really attracted to. Forget the rest.

I can put up with my husband's flaws. I wish he didn't have so many, but they aren't extreme issues. But he is medocre at best in bed, he doesn't have a romantic bone in his body, is not affectionate, there is no intimacy, no passion.

It's like I can have one but not the other. If my husband had been anything at all like my lovers in the sex/affection/loving dept, I would have a very happy marriage. Since I've stayed in it, I suppose I've chosen comfort and stability over passion of any kind. But I'm still left wanting.

January 31, 2007
9:30 am
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taj64
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ceh964, I don't know who you were under your old name but that does not matter.

I think it is truly a personal decision to stay in unhappy marriage. I think it is perfectly ok to leave a marriage if you are not happy in it. You should get all you want out of it and so should your partner. But when you make a bad decision about getting into another relationship while still in one, those usually backfire but that does not mean you should jump back into the old one or think that it would have been better to stay in a stale relationship. It is better to be alone and happy and then meet the right person for you. Expecting someone else to make you happy is likely to cause some questioning when things do not go right with the relationship. You truly have to be happy with yourself to be successful in a marriage. Remember that lovely little saying when logging in that if you settle for less, you get even less and that sticks with me everyday. What you are doing is settling for less and getting less. Don't lean on a man for your personal happiness.

January 31, 2007
1:05 pm
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ceh964
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Taj64- You are absolutely right. I have always looked to a man to make me happy. It is not fair to them or me. I have avoided doing the work on me for far too long. There are no short cuts. If there were I would have found them. I was not suggesting that anyone should stay in a relationnship that they are not happy in, I just wish that I would have thought things out more and I hoped that my experiences might help others who are just bored or in a rut to do so.

January 31, 2007
1:38 pm
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red blonde
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I believe that if someone is questioning whether they are unhappy in any relationship, that they should do some work on themselves to find out what is making them feel that way. Then they should work on changing what is making them unhappy. If they can work with the other partner in the relationship to make changes, all the better. If they cannot, then the decision is in oneself to either accept that things will not change, will just remain the same and be still unhappy or to move on and grow and become happy on their own. One has to look for happiness within before looking at someone else to fill that bill for you. It usually doesn't work out.

I hope I am making some sense.

January 31, 2007
1:54 pm
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curlybrown
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ceh964 - It is great to read everything you have written - and please know that you are not alone. Reading what you have written and all of the responses- made me realize that I have done the same.
I am in my second marriage. I started dating my current husband before the divorce papers were even signed. I had divorced an abusive first husband who is also the father to my child. It is very difficult to raise a child with your ex-husband; however, I wouldn't change that. At one point when I first got remarried- I felt horrible to start a life with my current husband and that I didn't give my first husband a chance. I now know that I gave him plenty- after 5 orders of protection for his physical abuse. The last incident taking place in front of our 2 year-old son at the time.

As far as my current marriage, I now know it was a mistake to get into. It has been a struggle from before we got married. I thought it would be different after we got married. I didn't learn apparently from my first marriage that it wouldn't. He left me after a month supporting my son on my own in a new house with a mortgage and all the bills that go with it. He came back six months later- 3 affairs later, more debt, and no job. On top of that - I BEGGED HIM BACK. We have been to counseling and retreats- apparently they haven't helped. Before the holidays, he cut himself and wrote with his blood "I HATE YOU" on my car- because I wanted to leave the house as he was being verbally abusive. I pleaded with the police and state attorneys to drop the charges, paid for his attorney and now walk on eggshells. He tells me I am the reason he cut himself and it is my fault he got arrested. He curses at me and leaves the house for hours not answering his cell phone. He tells me he doesn't answer because he doesn't want to argue and doesn't come home because I make him miserable. On top of that, he tells me if I don't change that I NEED TO FILE FOR A DIVORCE. I have tried so hard in this relationship and fight for the sanctity of marriage. I got myself into this mess and don't have the energy to begin to get myself out. I just found this site and hope to find friends- people who understand.

January 31, 2007
2:36 pm
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nappy
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Curlybrown, I read your thread and I do feel for you honey. My first respond is that you start working on yourself. After what you wrote, and after what you been through, why would you want to stay? To keep putting up with that and to keep going over and over the same things that your husband is not going to change. He is not going to change because he then can put ALL of the blame on you and get aways with it. Will he change, I don't know but I don't think anytime soon because the more he pour out his anger on you and see that he will get a reaction out of you then, guess what? He will continue. Because you are letting him.
Having two people in a co-dependent relationship is very hard. But one of you have to break the cycle. And since you have a son, I suggest that it be you.
You need to let him suffer what ever he is going to suffer out of this. But the more that you keep rescuing him from himself, well the problems want go away and the old saying goes,
Either we deal with it, or move on

January 31, 2007
2:55 pm
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ceh964
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Curlybrown- Boy do I know how you feel. My current marriage (if I can even call it that) is much the same. When you wrote "I got myself into this mess and don't have the energy to begin to get myself out" those are my feelings exactly. The only real difference between us is that you have your son to think about. Thank God my kids are grown. Please post when you need to talk.

January 31, 2007
3:07 pm
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curlybrown
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ceh964- thanks for understanding.

Nappy - thanks for the advice.

I so need to talk because I just don't know how to leave this man. I even feel guilty writing it. I am so tired at the same time. I know I sound crazy- because I'm probably being driven to lunacy.

I know you r right - I created my own monster. Why would he change- since I allow it. He'll change for someone else or maybe never at all.

Thanks for your support- I need it now badly.

January 31, 2007
3:27 pm
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red blonde
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None of us like change. Hell, I think we even FEAR change. Fear also holds us back.

January 31, 2007
3:53 pm
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ceh964
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Curlybrown--when people suggest that you work on yourself, if you are anything like me it is as if they are speaking a foreign language. How or WHY would I possibly do THAT? We are selfless. That is what gets us into these messes. If you are wondering where to start -- what I am doing is learning as much as I can, posting and reading similar stories, trying to get my finances seperated (a little cash stash can be empowering) and try to see situations for what they are-not what I hoped they would be. It is a process. Do it in your own time. I am working hard on not letting my husband push my buttons, some people thrive on being able to upset you. Stay calm, connect with your higher power and start thinking. God will give us beauty for our ashes, and the best revenge against those who harm us is just to do well. They hate that!

January 31, 2007
4:44 pm
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curlybrown
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CEH964-

Thank you! Thank you so much for stating - "when people suggest that you work on yourself, if you are anything like me it is as if they are speaking a foreign language. How or WHY would I possibly do THAT?" That's exactly how I felt but couldn't describe it!

Finally! Oh this is starting to give me hope as people r out there that truley understand! I so often feel so alone. I have a very good job- with caring bosses. My son is a wonderful joy. I was able to manage all the bills when he was gone (considering he brought more when he came back). I just don't know why I stay. I will take your advice. I did make an appointment w/a divorce attorney for tomorrow- however, unsure whether or not to go.

January 31, 2007
5:11 pm
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taj64
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I left my ex husband ten years. In that time, I have move up in the world with homes, jobs, moved up but my husband still lives exactly the same way, he has a girlfriend that he freeloads off and still cannot be responsible enough to hold a job for any length of time, he leaves rent free with his girlfriend, pays no child support, relapsess just about every year and overall still is a nice guy. Nice does not get you ahead in life and neither does guilt. I used to feel very guilty all the time. Guilt is a useless emotion. You cannot do a thing with guilt. If you did not have guilt, your answer would be clear so work on why you should be the one to hold the guilt bag and not him. You are not the one drinking and destroying the relationship. He is not there supporting you through your needs. He is not there for your needs but you are are for him, even when he is not around. I would work on yourself first and foremost.

January 31, 2007
5:24 pm
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mamacinnamon
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(((( Curlybrown )))

You are not alone honey. There are many of us here that understand exactly what you are speaking of. I lived like you for 12 years. There was such a change when the black cloud lifted.

You talk all you need to. We are here listening w/ open arms and a warm heart.

January 31, 2007
5:25 pm
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ceh964
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Curlybrown-- It is good that you are starting to look at some of the positives in your life. Me Too! But it is hard sometimes. If you are not ready to take that step (divorce) then hold off a little while. The wheels are just starting to turn and eventually things will start to click. Just keep thinking, stratagizing, whatever it takes and try to stay positive. There is a relatively new therapy called "Positive Psychology", you can put it in a search engine. They believe that focusing on what is positive instead of what is negative in our lives can change our lives (well, duh) but they give you some real tools to do that with. Look it up.

January 31, 2007
6:23 pm
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armyleo
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curley & Ceh,

There are many wonderful people on this site, each with their own experience and wonderful advise...Some of it you could use this minute...like (((hugs))), or an encouraging word, some of the advise, you will re-read, and it's good for next week, next month or you find your self, thinking yeah I should be doing that, or I never thought of that..

Just realizing someone understands how you feel, is also a great relief, Along with that is only you can decided when you are ready to make your decisions,no one here will judge you, etc. This is the one site I finally felt believed...keep writing it has helped me.

February 1, 2007
9:11 am
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realitygirl
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Thank you. I am thinking about ending my 6 year marriage, 13 yrs. together because it is so stale, and no sex since November. He is always tired.....We never do anything but go out to eat.

I know he isn't cheating, he is here at night, and at work all day.

Told him that I am starving to death emotionally, from lack of affection, and he just turns a deaf ear.

I can't leave now. I am finishing my college degree so I can go back to work.

So, maybe I will continue to hang in there a bit longer.

February 1, 2007
9:14 am
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curlybrown
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Thank you to everyone who has written in response to my message yesterday. It means a lot. I tried to log on last night, however, something was wrong with my internet connection. And ohhhh, how I needed to vent. It was a horrible night, between my ex-husband and my current husband. My ex-husband has not paid child support in two years and is threatening to take ME to court. I have been more than over accomodating to him and he is saying that I'm not raising our son properly because he will not stay on a telephone conversation with his father for over 5 minutes. My son is 5 years old and has language development problems. I asked him to speak and speak nicely with his father and my son was upset that his father was being stern with him because he told him to stop mumbling. Then told my son that he was recording the conversation because his mother was doing anything about it! What audacity!!! Then my current husband and I didn't say much to eachother after he called me names as soon as I got home from work and told me that I better change and that he's sick of me being hurt. He asked for a divorce so this morning I told him that I was no longer putting up with his emotional or verbal abuse. He stated that that was my answer and that he was serious about the divorce. I told him so was I. He then called me more names, accused me of sleeping with my boss (which is far from the truth), and continues to call and harass me this morning at work.

February 1, 2007
9:30 am
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curlybrown
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Now our pastor called me to meet with us tonight. He said that my husband called him and he would like to speak with us. I told him I would go, however, I was not promising anything. I told him that I almost had a nervous breakdown last night and I can't take it anymore. I told him that the emotional and verbal abuse was too much for me to handle. He asked that I please go and talk with him and my husband.

I am going, however, I need to stay strong- because this is another manipulation from my husband. He insults, threatens, ridicules and tries to punish me. When I say no more- he calls the cavalry to change my mind and tell me that I'm at fault because I have anger management issues!

Anger management! I am stressed, depressed and don't have the energy to argue. Its when I don't agree with him that I have "anger management" issues.

Any suggestions????

February 1, 2007
9:52 am
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hopeful for change
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I to am in a sexless marriage. I have tried everything, I am only 36. But, if I have to choose between sex and security. Security is going to win. I miss sex, and all that goes with it. But I simply don't know how to change someone wanting to have sex.

It seems like we are best friends not lovers.

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