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tired of the emotional abuse
January 14, 2007
12:48 am
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juswannabehappy
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Hello everyone!! I'm back. I was on this site well over a year ago. I guess that I just gave up on the talking and listening, since I obviously was not going to leave him. The problem is, i lost the site address and have been looking for a long time. This site has helped me so many times, when I thought I had no where else to turn to- soooo, i'm glad you guys are still here to listen.
Married for 6 years to an emotional and physical abuser. He makes fights with me over nothing, then says "we fight to much". He makes me feel like the queen of the world, or like the garbage in the dumpster- nothing in between. We run a small business, no employees, a house, 2 kids etc., just nothing i do is good enough. If we have sex 2 times a day, it should have been three.
he says that he is thinking about looking for someone else. he is such a little boy. if i am not sitting on top of him 24 hours a day, and payinmg complete attention to him, then i dont care aBOUT him anymore. he needs me to tell him every day how wonderfukl he is and the best lover, bla, bla, bla. i do this, just not every day. i tell him i love him. if i turn him down for sex, the world comes to a stop. he literally wants to divorce me. i mean, when you are the accounts payable, dispatcher, saleswoman, and on call 24/7, along with 2 kids and a house to run and homework to do, sometimes people get tired, but me, i have to be a sex kitten after that. sometimes i am, just not EVERY day. i have a headache, thats all i can write right now. thanks for listening- what do you think so far?

January 14, 2007
1:39 am
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juswannabehappy
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can someone pleeeeze respond, i need some support, sooooon

January 14, 2007
2:05 am
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juswannabehappy
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we have got along just fine all week, he is a truck driver, everything was great, until today as he is coming home, he says he just wants to be friends, after 6 years of marriage and 2 kids.

January 14, 2007
2:07 am
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briss
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juswannabehappy

I ask you one question - are you happy?

January 14, 2007
2:45 am
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codepnomore
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I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm there. My husband is so self-centered, selfish, needy and filled with self-pity that I got lost in the mix! He has constant "issues" and I have to be the one to put out all the fires. He has issues at church, work, etc. and he is so filled with it that he has no friends, etc. I have been sick of it for a while and am getting healthy becasue of a codep. Christian group that I go to. I finally told him last week that I'm sick of yeaers and years of his issues and that he is not and never will be there for me. I have been praying for God to deliver me one way or the other and - my prayers were answered. My husband and I had another one of our huge weekly fights and he decided to leave. It's been one week and believe it or not, I'm fine, I'm free and I feel incredibly liberated. I'm not in depression or anything. He has taught me to be stable and independent in his instability and dependence and now it has slammed him. My kids and I feel so peaceful at home - and I feel, so what, if he goes out looking for other women - like he threatens, then so be it - I just feel for the poor soul who has to put up with his crap from here on in. I am a smart, beautifaul talented, properous woman and he lost out on that. I am healthy and I have Jesus hanging on to me. I will pray for you, juswannabehappy.

January 14, 2007
3:58 am
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briss
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codepnomore

There is just one thing we owe ourselves in life - to be truly happy. I ask you as I ask juswannabehappy - are you happy?
When we are happy we can truly give, we can be a gift to the world. Unless we are happy we can never be anything but parasites as these defective individuals are that have been controlling us for years are.

Please codepnomore hold on to the peace you and your children are now experiencing. Grow and grow and grow some more. Shit it's scary but you will be so liberated and free.

I have no doubt you are a smart and talented woman. People like these latch on to people like you. Let's face it they're not going to go for someone weak are they? What would be the challenge in that?

Keep posting I want to know how you deal with this.

Briss

January 14, 2007
12:02 pm
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juswannabehappy
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hello briss and codepnomore! Thank you for responding. I can feel codepnomore, i know that feeling of thinking that you will just die if he leaves, but then god steps in and reminds us that he is so not worth those tears. Also, I agree about thje finding another girl part, when i get crazy, i say, poor poor girl, if she only knew. the tears are not was is currently being lost, but years of memories- although, I AM STARTING TO WONDER IF THERE ARE ANY GOOD MEMORIES TO REMEMBER, MAYBE I HAVE BEEN FOOLING MYSELF FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

I AM PROUD OF YOU FOR BEING SO STRONG, HANG IN THERE- YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS, FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS.

January 14, 2007
11:19 pm
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codepnomore
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briss and juswannabe, thanks for your posts and your enriching and uplifting hearts. I am blessed.
One of our church elders spoke to mu husband last night and long story short, there was just so much of him blaming me and not taking any responsibility for what he is doing. He even promised this elder & his wife that he would return today but failed to do so and didn't even call. I then spoke with the head elder who is very aware of our situation and also was willing to help us work things out but after much thought and prayers, etc. he has decided that it would be better for me if I just let things go. The other elder asked me to make the first move, humble myself and call my husband. I agreed and called after not speaking for a week (he's living at his shop) and he told him that if he wants to come home to talk, he can do so. I did not say, though, that he can come home and we'll work it out - we need to address the problem. He kept saying how he feels that the kids and I don;t need him otherwise we would have called him sooner, etc. and I basically said - "well, you left us! You didn't give me a chance to talk it over, you just told me to shut up and left!" So once again, he's playing the blame game and I have had enough of it. The old me would ask him to come home so we could discuss it but the healthy me just feels like - for whhat? When he doesn't get his way again next week, he's going to leave again and stop being husband and daddy. I spoke to my head elder who feels that my husband is not very sincere and that it's better to just let him arrive at himself and he also said that if I divorced him that he wouldn't have a problem with it. He says that any of the other issues that we have are now nothing compared to the fact that HE left and refuses to take responsibility for his actions by blaming me for everything. I am so blessed to have these godly men that reguse to stand for compromises. God calls us to live in peace wherever we are and I believe I am doing the right thing. I have prayed and asked for guidance, strength and peace and I am getting it. Woo hoo God is good.

January 15, 2007
1:26 am
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briss
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codepnomore

Sounds like you've got some wise people caring for you there. They are not judging you harshly nor judging your husband and that is the best thing they could do.

Don't fall for that manipulative stuff about 'he feels that you don't need him because you didn't phone.'
Truth is co that you don't need him with the kind of behaviour he is displaying. Don't fall for saying 'of course we need you etc' You will be playing into his hands.

Refuse absolutely to play any games with him. To me he sounds like he would be playing games all the time.

Co stop thinking about him for a moment and start thinking about you. What do you want? What makes you happy? What makes your children happy? I bet the answers to these questions have nothing to do with being involved with a sick and needy man.

OK you married him and as a Christian you want to uphold your vows however you have indeed by the sounds of it done just that. He is the one who has not. Your church elders see what you need to do and would support you. Can you see it too? How many more years are you going to live like this? How much more can you stand? And why would you want to?

January 15, 2007
2:43 am
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codepnomore
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You are so right, briss. First he calls me telling me that he's get a part time job for his living expenses and I can keep his regular checks then I refused and he asked me to remove my name from the bank account so that he doesn't have to make any changes (direct deposit at work) which I agree to - I can start a new account AND I make enough money to care for me and the kids so I don't have any problems with that besides, I don't want any connections like, "You use my money" etc. We can struggle if we need to without him, we've done it before many times. THEN he calls me back after hanging up on me and says "why don't you leave the money situation the way it is so I can come home and F--- your brains out every once in a while. Needless to say, I told him, nah, I'm not some whore - go do it to someone else and hung up. I haven't answered any more of his countless calls.
What a sick, sick pig! I bet he's going to off and chat or watch porn or pick up hookers, whatever. He's always needed instant gratification even if it means something destructive not only to the marriage but to himself. I know God is with me and is revealing a lot right now.
You are the best, thanks for your loving heart!

January 15, 2007
10:58 pm
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dustpuff
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codepnomore~
he is a sick pig. I hate it when men make us feel like nothing more than a deposit box. My X use to pull that kind of thing on me. It is digusting and gross. You hang in there. Stay away from that jerk.

January 16, 2007
1:45 am
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unsettled
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I have been living a very similiar life. My soon to be x is very much like your husband. I finally got to where I could not take it any more. I was tired of walking on eggshells every day and worrying about my "tone of voice" and every other little thing that would potentially upset him. I am currently seperated from him and am happier than when we were married but still have a long way to go. I guess what I am trying to say is this....if you can do all that your doing now, you definetly are strong enough to make it on your own without him. Maybe you could try counseling, seperately and individually. It sounds to me like he may be bi-polar. That is one of my husbands diagnoses. I have a great deal of empathy for you and will keep you in my prayers,
Unsettled

January 17, 2007
4:02 am
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codepnomore
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Well he seems to be getting more and more confused. He has asked me abunch of questions almost like trying to process "my side" or just listening. I continue to stand strong and stand my ground because I feel like even if we talk things out, he'll levae again the next time he does not get what he wants. I once heard a saying that said better to have a big blow out then a slow leak. I feel like if he returns, we live the slow leak where the kids and I are just waiting and waiting till he wants to leave again.
Now he's asking me all kinds of questions about if I want a boyfriend, etc. and I just answer that I haven't even thought about it.
I know God would not want me to allow the sin to continue by accepting him back before he makes complete amends and changes - but sincerely this time and to be honest, I don't think that this will ever happen. I will keep you all posted. Thanks for your caring.
codepnomore

January 17, 2007
3:18 pm
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nappy
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I'm thankful, very thankful to be out of that kind of situation with my ex. You have describe the very same person that I was in love with and when I finally got to know him, I didn't like him anymore.
Thank god I didn't marry him. We only lived together and thank god he decided to leave. My ex was always leaving all the time and wanting to have sex to make it better but I just couldn't do it anymore. When I wasn't giving him all of the sex that HE wanted. He said something to me that have stuck with me to this day. That saying to me was one of the reason that I didn't get back with him, even when he beg and made all kind of promise to change. Naw!
He told me that "IF I WOULD TREAT HIM LIKE A WOMAN WOULD TREAT HER MAN, THEN I WOULDN'T BE LEAVING". At first I really did thought that it was my fault, but after doing and doing and I got sick and went into the hospital because of stress. I thought, that is enough for me. After he left the house, I got back on my own, trying to find the strength to get myself back in order. And don't think that he haven't tried to get back with me but it is not the same. Like I told him, sex is not everything in a relationship. Sex was the only thing for him to say that everything was alright but it wasn't for me. After a while, I didn't want his face looking down at me after all that he has done to me.
I am so thankful again like I said to be free, living life happy and peaceful and enjoying my self and looking more and more beautiful by the day. See he don't have to worry about my sex life because he knows that he is not in it. (smile)
I just hope that you find peace in your relationship because always trying to make this person FEEL that he is the best, when they already knows that they are not is hard work and very stressful. I love my life right now. Don't want to ever go back to that place again of being sad, stress out, hurt, angry and feeling like things are going to get better when I knew that they wasn't.

January 17, 2007
4:08 pm
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codepnomore
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Thanks nappy.
You describe my husband well - it's so terrible that these men are allowed to do this to us without care and compassion for what they do.
My husband has obviously moved on which pretty much tells me that he didn't love me for the last 23 years as much as he loved that I loved HIM.
Sad thing is that he won't even engage with his kids which is good for him becasue my son is ready to rip him apart and they can't stand dealing with his self-pity attitude.
I heard something yesterday that was cool - it was in reference to people who are self-centered, proud and stubborn and refuse to look at the other's situation and that was "you're living in your head far too much". I will be alright. The crappy thing is that he fooled us big time by going to church with us and doing all kinds of wonderful things with the family and that brought us back together. I guess the fact that he left is a blessing to me. It's been 10 days since he left so I think I just need to take it one day at a time then will be okay after a while. Is this the mourning of the relationship stage? I will continue praying. Thanks for your caring.
codepnomore

January 17, 2007
4:34 pm
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nappy
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Codepnomore, you will be alright. Yes, this is the mourning of the relationship stage and yes it does hurt even though they have hurted us but the pain will go away. Believe Me. It is true.
I never felt sorry for myself, it was for the other person. Because one day they will get there's. I truly believe that.
You and your kids need to focus on each other and let him be gone. I lived in a household like that with my father as a child, and to tell you the truth, He was in the Army and you don't know how much that I had wish him dead. Not that I hated my father but how my father was. He was that same way. I just didn't understand him at the time because I was a kid but I am so glad that I had gotten a chance to talk with him (while I was a grown woman) before he died. I ask him about himself and why he was the he was. And after all that time being young and abusing my mother (sexually also), he turn out to be a meek little man that was just as scared of life then we were. He just didn't know how to show it (love) and I didn't know that after my mother left him for the last time, he put up a big front and had two more wives after that, he wasn't happy. I rememeber telling him that HE WILL REAP WHAT HE SOW and he told me this before he died.
People waste to much time trying to do things that are evil, then to look at the good that is right before there eyes. But if you see the good and can touch it, thank god for that and keep going. Life is to short to live in misery. And with having kids, you have to be strong. There already know how there father is, and HE is going to have to pay that price with his children. It may not be today, tomorrow, but it will happen.
Trust me on that one.!

January 21, 2007
5:01 pm
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codepnomore
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Hi again all,
I'm feeling better but I think what I'm going through right now is a lot of anger. I feel like he was so lucky to just be able to "up and leave" me and the kids again because his needs weren't met after all I've done for him and allowed him back into our home and lives. I guess that may be a good thing because it just strengthens my resolve for it to really be over - for good. He called first saying that divorce is not an option then basically said that I will realize how much I miss him and will ask him to come back.
I will not call him (tomorrow makes 2 weeks since I've seen him) and I am researching divorce without an attorney. We no longer have property issues or child custody, etc. so it should be simple. It hurts inside as to how much of my time I have wated on him for it to all end up like this. I fully know that I could never change him and even that he could never change him. His self-centeredness and self-focus was massive, even members of the church have admitted to me how they could not understand why he acted this way and was such a sensitive control freak even in leadership position and the praise music dept. In his mind, he was God, scary.
Thanks,
codpenomore

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