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tired of insecuity
August 25, 2007
5:05 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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I am so tired of dealing with my husband being so insecure in our relationship. We had an exhausting session with our therapist yesterday. he was still upset about a fight we had in June where he thought I was putting my family ahead of him. he tried to "prove" i didn't love him by calling me at church (I don't even bring my cell with me) and saying see, you answered your nephew's call during our vacation but you won't answer mine in church, you love him more than you love me.

When he gets really insecure he goes to the emergency room and calls me hoping I'll drop what ever I'm doing to run over there. Proving my love I guess. I quit that a few years ago.
We have been married for nearly seven years for heaven's sake. I am financially independet from him. I stay with him because I want to stay not because I have to.
But I get so tired of it.
Then he was upset because he thought our therapist was 'siding' with me. she wasn't. she just asked him to tell me what he feels before he gets so angry.
Ugh, Ugh, Ugh. I feel so much better just venting.

First week of school too. Even though this year started out easier than last year it was still stressful.

August 25, 2007
5:15 pm
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Tiger- sounds like he thinks you put others before him. He is pretty immature to try to stage situations just to prove it. It sounds like it either has to be all about him or he wont feel loved. Sounds like he is competing with everyone else in your life.

August 26, 2007
1:47 am
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Tiger,
My BF is also very insecure. I call him the bottomless pit when I'm exasperated. Proving my love on and on and on. I also get sick of it. Sometimes he is better and sometimes he is worse and I 've found that it doesn't really have anything to do with me.

Psychologist friend recommended I just say "you know that I love you" and change the subject.

I used to spend hours lavishing him with my devotions and affections, but I started to think that it might actually be encouraging him so I stopped that.

My BF is in one of his better phases now. Not so insecure and more helpful, not so obsessed with himself. But still he nags me about my son's father, thinking I might get back together with him (I would never ever ever). Was I talking to him on the phone? etc etc etc.

I'm so irritable these days I just barely even pay attention. And I find that suits me better than dumping myself into the bottomless pit. I can't really make it better anyway, so I may as well just take care of myself. He usually picks himself up in time.

August 26, 2007
12:33 pm
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Soofoo, it's nice to hear from someone who has experience in something like this. C. (my husband) is usually pretty ok. he just has times when he is insecure. Usually around his birthday (coming up into two weeks) or other holidays.
He is much better than he was a few years ago when he said the only reason I stay with him is because I am a Mormon spy, paid by the Mormon church to keep an eye on him.

Destiny, I think he does feel like he's competing. but shoot., I live with him, I see my family about once a year. He is first in my life after God and Christ but somehow he thinks anything that takes my attention away from him is in competition. He is improving and is in therapy but he makes progress very slowly.

August 26, 2007
12:57 pm
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Tiger- That must be an emotional drain on you. He should re-think things and be supportive of your relationships with others.

August 26, 2007
9:21 pm
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Tiger it is really good to hear from you too! C. sounds like T (my bf). T has wonderful qualities. He is loving, romantic, loyal, attentive and absolutely fun. He has written me love poems, fried me up pancakes shaped like hearts, is great with my kids and he's a home improvement master. But he absolutely falls to pieces sometimes. At these times it seems like he does not think himself worthy of my love. At first I'm like why wouldn't I love you? What's not to love? But this can be hard to keep up when he becomes obsessive, and overly demanding. Sometimes it makes me very angry.
Take care of yourself. hugs, soofoo

August 26, 2007
9:33 pm
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Tiger trainer,
I'm sorry you are feeling the way you do. I think insecurity is so unnatractive. There is nothing you can do to make him more secure than what you are doing, because security has to really come from within. It sounds like he really needs individual counseling to work on 'why' he is so insecure. I applaud you for going to counseling and having the patience you have with him.
I'm sorry I cant' be more helpful..other than sympathizing with you.
TDM

August 27, 2007
6:04 pm
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Thanks for the good words of comfort everyone. C. usually falls apart around his birthday and holidays. (birthday coming up in two weeks) so we are in for a bad time. then he feels pretty good until christmas.
I am just so thankful he is willing to go to therapy and has made some changes.
He has paranoid personality disorder and so even the fact that he recognzies a need for therapy is good.

August 28, 2007
11:39 pm
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Tiger,
My T had a breakdown around his birthday. And he also had one (less severe) around Christmas. Paranoid Personality Disorder was one of the diagnoses his pdoc was throwing around when he was seeing him. Do you know why it's birthdays and holidays? Be sure to keep posting during his hard time and keep really close with friends and family so that you don't get too sucked in. Remember that this is just the way he is, and that you can't be his therapist. Take care of yourself, Tiger. Love Soofoo.

August 29, 2007
8:41 pm
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Thanks soofoo, It's part of my codependencey that I thought i could 'fix' him when we got married. I didn't . and I didn't do myself any favors either. it has been a hard road for me to let go of trying to fix him and his situation. I still find myself trying to fix him; organizing birthday parties that are never good enough, etc, etc. I am learning to stop 'owning' his emotions. they are not about me.

I think that C. just has unrealistic expectations. He thinks that everyone should just stop and spend all day celebrating his birthday, this includes all his sisters, his children, me, his co workers, etc, etc, and when they don't, he feels rejected.
same with Christmas.

C. had a hard child hood with a self centered mentally ill mother and an emotionally withodrawn father.

i am sort of just your average person who grew up with parents who cared, etc etc.

Life is getting easier since I stopped trying to make him feel good and started working on myself.

August 30, 2007
9:14 pm
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I think we codependents tend to think other people's problems are our fault because it's scarier to think we have no control. Especially if you know the paranoia is coming. You think, you'll be supportive enough to keep it from happening or happening as badly. It's hard because stress exacerbates psychiatric problems so if you see a stressor you think, okay I've got to get rid of that-- but nobody can eliminate stress from their lives! Life is stressful. Also, if you have an argument or something you think, oh no, I made him upset and paranoid. But, really, this is just the way some people are. T's family is very ignorant about his problem and they tend to blame the women in his life. During this last psychotic episode that he had, I tried getting their support to no avail. So I just lean on my people from now on.

I totally support your efforts to work on yourself.
I have decided that I will no longer choose not to go out alone just to prevent T. from getting jealous. I will stop believing that my attentions can keep him well. I will go out shopping for four hours if I feel like it. I will not spend another four hours explaining my every move. I'll just say no. If he thinks I was cheating than so be it.

None of this is a problem right now, because T. is well. But now I know he can get sick and I'm just gong to handle it differently next time.

I think if adults get their favorite dinner and maybe a small gift, and a birthday cake on their birthday, then they are very blessed. If you do all that and C. is still upset, I hope you go take a nice bubble bath, in a locked bathroom. Or take a moonlight stroll through your neighborhood. Or take a ride to the Barnes and Noble and buy yourself a CD and a good book. Or at least I hope you get a chance to post and vent. Love and support, soofoo.

August 31, 2007
12:33 pm
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Tiger I had another thought I wanted to share with you. I've noticed that when T. is paranoid he is stressed when people do nice things for him. It makes him suspicious, like, we're trying to manipulate or fool him with flattery. This might be the cause of his reactions to birthdays and Christmas. When sick, T is always looking to prove that he isn't loved, as if not being loved is the comfort zone. Indeed it might be the comfort zone. Love is a scary senseless thing to a paranoid person, I think. Anyway, you don't have to respond if you don't feel like it, I just wanted to share.

August 31, 2007
5:24 pm
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Wow soofoo, Your T sounds just so much like my C. it's scary. Yes, he tries to prove he isn't loved, or that I have betrayed him

It took a few hard years before he realized that I am going to go to church and play the piano there and do anything else I want. he still thinks I don't love him enough because I do it but I do it because it is a part of who I am.

It has been very hard to realize that I don't have to stop being myself to prove I love him.

Your response mean a lot to me. Thanks so much for sharing.

September 4, 2007
1:15 pm
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Tiger Trainer
I have learned so much from coming to this site. More than I can express.
Thank you so much for sharing about your experiences with C.
I also go to church. Sometimes T comes. Sometimes he doesn't. He has told me he is jealous of God, because I love Him so much. I cannot allow T to take the place of Christ or I will become hopelessly lost. I am not as strong in the church as I'd like to be.
Sometimes I feel like I can't talk to my friends and family about T because they don't understand. I have people in my life who just want me to get out of the relationship and then others who really encourage codependent habits and thinking that just get me all wrapped up in the problem. I have never met anyone who has a partner with T's problem. Maybe you and I can share coping skills with each other.
I hope you are off to a good start for the school year. I do not work yet, (kids still little) but I've been considering teaching as a profession. Lately I've been leaning toward school librarian. Sometimes I think I do not want to work with kids at all, because I have 4 of them and T has 3. We have 7 together and 5 live with us. The other 2 are here on most weekends. So I might want a break from being around kids.

I just think it's extraordinary how much you and I have in common.
Love Soofoo.

September 4, 2007
6:39 pm
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Wow, soofoo, it's almost like your life is my life. My husband is very unhappy that I put God and Christ ahead of him

I can't really talk to my family or friends about it either. It's hard for them to understand how I can stay with him and/or it's hard for them to understand why I can't leave my church for him.

School librarians have the best. They have time to read books to children, they get paid like a teacher but they are not responsible for testing. and they still interact with kids. i say go for it.

You responses mean a lot to me.

September 5, 2007
7:54 pm
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C's birthday tomorrow. If all goes well, he will be okay until Christmas. I hope he is content with my presents, dinner out with dancing and the birthday money from my mother.

September 5, 2007
10:53 pm
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I hope you two have a nice time and he sees how lucky he is. But if he decides to ruin his birthday, I suppose it's his party and he can cry if he wants to. ;=)

I hope that was funny.

Tomorrow's my kids' first day of school. Today was my youngest's first day of preschool. He cried. Later on, when we were home. I cried. Back2school always gets me a little nervous. But I adjust after about a week and then I'm fine.

God Bess you Tiger Trainer. May the peace of Christ be with you and your husband.

Love Soofoo.

September 6, 2007
3:58 pm
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Thanks soofoo. so far so good. I took a half day off work so that we can have plenty of time at the restaurant.

oh, preshcool. How precious. The first day I saw the preK kids aat are school learning to walk in line. One poor little thing was sobbing her heart out. I asked her if she was okay and she answered, NO I am crying!. they are so cute. My mom cried the first day of school for us because she missed us. I was glad because that showed shw was a caring mom.

Thanks for you good wishes, soofoo.

September 6, 2007
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B goes again tomorrow to preschool. We don't have public preschool here. He's 3 so I signed him up for 2 mornings a week in the church's preschool. This year all of his brothers are in school (the next one up just entered K- a.m.) so I figured he needed to have some playmates and some social experience where he isn't the littlest. When I went to pick him up he ran out the door and said "I went to preschool!" so proud of himself. So he did okay. When I asked him what he did he said "I had snack." What else? "I ate crackers." And what else did you do? "I had a juice box" And what was your favorite part? "There was a cookie." By this time I was laughing so hard, I could barely ask another question. He loves to make me laugh. That's a good thing because they all make me laugh-- but my 5 and 6 yr olds do not like to be cute! They get indignant. So I just let it out with B.

I figure you're probably having dinner about now. Or maybe you're dancing. I said a prayer for you and your hubby. Post back and let me know how it went.

Love soofoo

September 7, 2007
6:10 pm
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thanks for the prayer. I am sure they helped. C. was fairly happy and satisfied with his birthday. We had dinner at Bubba/Gump Seafood and then went dancing at our club. All the people there sang to him and he loved the attention. Plus his sister called to wish him a Happy BD. she has never called before but I was so glad she did.

Your little one sounds so cute. Of course he was proud of himself to go to school like his older siblings. i used to love it when my nephews were in preschool. they were so anxious to tell me everything they did. Now they barely talk to their parents let alone their auntie.

thanks for posting to me.

September 10, 2007
11:01 am
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T found out that I go to this website. He was a little upset, and is generally worried about the computer since I bought it a couple of months ago. That's why I haven't posted in a few days.

When T and I got back together in July, it was on the condition that we go to couples counseling. T said he wanted to take the initiative and find a counselor, make the appointment, etc. Well it hasn't happened. And it's been bugging me. So I gave him a deadline of October 1st. I really don't care if he makes the appointment or I do, I just really need the counseling, because I've been bitter and resentful even though T has been doing really well. I don't really understand my own feelings. I wonder if I should go to counseling alone.

I think it has something to do with this-- When T was sick (he was psychotic, just not at all in reality) My feelings had to go completely on the backburner. It was all about him, and it had to be, because he could not take care of himself. I tried to protect him from himself, convince him to take his medication, keep him from throwing his life away, etc, but it was impossible, so that he was eventually fired from his job. And I had to make him leave-- since he refused to go to the hospital and he was frightening me and I could no longer hide it from the children. Of course, he was totally incapable of appreciating that I was taking care of him, and usually thought that I was hurting him, trying to poison him, etc. I don't blame him for this because he was sick and could not help it. But I did this with no support from his family, some of whom went so far as to blame me for his illness. I paid his bills, took care of his daughter and watched him like I'd watch a toddler. I could not get him into the hospital against his will. He didn't trust his Dr, said his Dr. had caused the Virginia Tech massacre.

Now he's totally better. No meds. Just better. Nobody really understands why he has these episodes. And we may never understand, expecially since he lost his health insurance when he lost his job. I don't know if I'll ever have to go through this again. It happened twice before I met him and once since then. I don't want to cause unnecessary problems by fearing that it will happen again. I just want to enjoy this time I have with him, this healthy time where he is the man of my dreams, caring, fun and industrious, ethical, patient, great with my kids.

But I can't help but have some resentment now that the crisis is over. Because now I matter again? My feelings count? I'm not sure.

I think I've seen him at every phase. I've seen him distrustful. This lasted a long time. I've seen him psychotic. Fortunately this lasts only a month or so. I've seen him really healthy and I don't know how long this will or can last.

I love him very much, and I want to stay together and get married if it is possible for us. But I am brave and I will let him go if it isn't right. I don't know if counseling can give me the answer to this but I want to try.

Thanks for listening. Soofoo.

September 10, 2007
11:27 am
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Yes, I would go to counseling alone! At least you can finally think of yourself and what *you* need instead of always worrying about him.

Insecurity...my middle name when I started dating my ex-boyfriend. It really didn't let up until we moved in together. I suppose because I felt safe and that he wouldn't cheat on me if I lived with him? I feel like I'm doing much better on the insecurity issue with the first step being that I realize how I acted! And how horrible I was to him and his friends because of my issues.

He needs to want to heal himself of this issue. If he doesn't even recognize he is being this way and how wrong it is... it will just make you crazy and resentful!

September 10, 2007
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Wow Soofoo,
that's a a big job you have taken on. Unforunately I can understand what you are going through.

I say get counselling. Counselling by myself really helped me put my needs where they belonged. In front of me. it helped me to stop thinking I could control my husband's environment and stop his episodes.

I hope your T. gets the idea that counselling is going to help you both.
It took C. a few tries but he is startting to understand that our marriage cousenllor doesn't not take sides.

God bless you. I hope your children are still happy at school.

September 11, 2007
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CBSL
I'm not always worrying about him anymore. It's that way when he's sick. He does realize that he gets sick, but he doesn't know it when he's sick. It's the nature of psychosis.

September 11, 2007
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Tiger Trainer,
I didn't want the job. But when he got sick, I couldn't just abandon him. It wouldn't have been right. He has told me that if it ever happened again he would willingly go to the hospital, but I take that with a huge grain of salt, because I know he thinks that he's fine when he's in that kind of mental state. I'm focusing on changing myself to prevent going through the same experience that I went through again. If it happens again (and Dr. says that it might and might not) and I'm scared of him, I'm going to call the police right away, even though it isn't his fault that he's scaring me. If he won't go to the hospital then I will get a restraining order, and I told him so. I can't take care of him if he won't take care of himself. He isn't a criminal. But that doesn't mean I won't protect myself.

I'm not miserable in this relationship. I have been happier with him than with anyone I've ever known. He's very supportive of me and my children, and I'm very attached to him and to his daughter who lives with us.

T also thinks the counselor will take my side against him. I said "well, what would be the point of that? We may as well just stay home and fight then." He wants to know exactly what the counselor is going to do. I said I don't know. He said "Is the counselor going to teach you the same as me?" I don't think I understood that question. But all of this gets me thinking, "What the heck IS counseling for?" I really don't want to go somewhere where I get a prescriptive set of rules to follow from a stranger. I have my own values and beliefs and I prefer to get direction from God. I was looking for an aid to communication, I think. Or a lifeline, if T gets sick again. Maybe I should also go alone.

My Kindergardener is very happy at school. He says he loves it. My first grader, T's first grader and my fourth grader are also very happy. My fourth grader has a "smart board" in his classroom he's all excited about.

My preschooler is adjusting slowly. I came to find out that the reasoon he only talked about snack on Wed was because that was all he would do 🙁 He just sat in the chair and wouldn't look at anyone. On Friday, he played with cars in the chair, so I guess that's progress. He goes back tomorrow. The teachers tell me that he just needs time, they won't push him and eventually he'll get interested and join the group. He gets more upset if they talk to him. They say it'll be easier on him if I don't hang around and leave quickly and with confidence. Okay, I guess I can be an actress. I want to give him some time to adjust, but I don't want to force him into this if he's not ready. He's got 2 years till Kindergarden. But I'm afraid that if I pull him out right away I'll be teaching him that school really is a scary place. I want to give him time to conquer his fear. What do you think Tiger trainer?

So glad C enjoyed his birthday. I'm so sorry I didn't comment on this before!

How do you like your class this year?

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