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Tired of being in a loveless marriage
June 2, 2007
5:32 pm
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katarina
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Hi, I am all alone again. Its the weekend and my husband is gone again. His sport is more important than me.. He is gone every weekend. I am so lonely! We haven't even kissed or made love in over a year. I don't even know how it feels to touch a man. I told him that we need to go on a vacation He dosen't want to. I keep putting myself out there and it is to no avail. We have been on one vacation over night in seven years. I am not happy. I am very sad. I have so much to give. I'm only 48. he is 59.

June 2, 2007
5:41 pm
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lovinglife
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Katarina~

What keeps you there in a loveless marriage?

June 2, 2007
5:55 pm
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Nina009
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Katrina sorry to hear that, but when I hear things like this, a married woman with the 'commitment' and a husband that does not want to spend time with wife, or have sex, I see I don`t have it so bad. I don`t have a commitment so I can do whatever I want. ( and I do)
KATRINA, go out make a life for yourself, do exercise, and have fun with friends, and yeah why are you with him?; is it money or children at home?. you are still very young, make a plan and change your life!.
And write here, there are many wonderful people that will help you. I wish I found this site before, I would not be in such a bad shape as I am now.

June 2, 2007
5:56 pm
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Rasputin
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I'm sorry to hear that Kat. Can you not talk to him & ask him to go together to couples counselling?

(((Hugs)))

June 2, 2007
7:05 pm
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red blonde
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Katrina ~

By your "I keep putting myself out there and it is to no avail", I am assuming that you have tried to initiate intimacy and you are being rejected or pushed away. Is that correct?

My XSO would punish me by withholding sex even if I tried to initiate and it got to the point that I started to "make appointments"
which even me feel more rejected and humiliated as a woman. He did it because I did something 'against his wishes', it was a 'control' tactic. Is he punishing you for something? I finally threw him out because I found out he was telling me lies and cheating on me. I am SOOO much happier now. I don't think it is the age difference, I am 59 and my XSO will be turning 39 in August. Is he willing to go to counseling?

June 2, 2007
8:16 pm
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katarina
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I am here because of money. I have nothing. Ok he dosen't let me have any of heis money either/ I am not on any of the accounts. pathetic huh?

June 2, 2007
9:05 pm
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taj64
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Independence is great. You are in the marriage because of money but you have nothing. That is confusing. I would seek independence. He doesn't let me have any money? I am not on the accounts? Let's see, no money, no love, but have lot's to give. Sounds to me like a divorce would be the key to freedom. Why tie yourself to a thoughtless, selfish man for the rest of your life. This is too many years that go by for anything to really change. A victim is only someone who has no control over what happens to them.

June 3, 2007
7:23 am
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bonni
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((Katarina))
I'm a single mom this weekend myself. Sometimes I feel like all my husband wants from me is sex. He's gone one weekend a month and sometimes longer, due to being in the National Guard. He wants me to love him and I want to love him, I just don't love him the way he wants, but that's another story.

What do you want to do? Do you have a job outside the home? Can you start earning your own money and planning your own vacations and stuff? There's more to you than your marriage.

bonni

June 3, 2007
7:44 am
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sleepless in uk
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Katarina

When I read your post I sighed a deep sigh. It could have been written by me. The lack of affection or contact, the always looking at his own needs, the outside activities that he prefers to do with friends.

My H and I are similar ages to you and your H. In many ways the story is so familiar.

I wonder if your husband is also emotionally abusive in other ways? Subtle and not so subtle put downs, controlling strategies, rage and anger? My husband is.

We have 3 teenagers and for the longest time I have thought I should strive to keep my marriage intact. But you know something? It hasnt worked. I have become more and more depressed, have felt increasingly isolated and my children would probably have fared much better if we had seperated years ago.

But that is done and I cant change it. However I am trying to change the future. After much very sad soulsearching. My H wont leave, he has made that clear. I am not strong enough in his presence to demand anything and so am powerless to force a sale of our home and remain living with him.

So I have decided to rent somewhere for my children and I and hope I can eventually be strong enough to deal with him as an equal. The search for somewhere suitable and cheap enough to rent is proving a challenge but I wont give up. I am determined to try to enjoy the freedom that seperation would bring even if it will be in reduced financial circumstances. I think I deserve it. I think you do too.

Think carefully about what you want for the future....and keep in touch

best to you

June 3, 2007
7:45 am
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courage to change
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Hi Katarina

Firstly try communicating what you need from your partner. If he is not prepared to meet those needs then

Secondly
Make yourself busy, whilst your husband is preoccupied with his sport. I suggest you go and learn to dancing i.e. salsa, jive,tango anything that involves dancing with a man. its fantastic for having the body contact with a man, and increasing self esteem. You will not be being unfaithful to your husband in doing this. Its fun, lively, and you will meet lots of lovely people.

It worked for me when I was not getting my needs met.

Good luck and let me know how you get on.

x

June 3, 2007
9:57 am
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vinny
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June 3, 2007
10:09 am
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vinny
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My advice:

Build up emotional and mental strenghth

Build determination

Rent another apartment without your husband's knowledge

Hire a very good lawyer and ask him when to move to new apartment before or after filing for divorce

Get a job no matter how menial that is

Move into new apartment with you children. If they want to move with you. If they are not sure about leaving with you or they love their dad more leave them there, You can deal with children issues later. Right now it the question of you life, health, happiness and FREEDOM. Can you feel how happy you will be if you do not have to see this man again. Think about it and it will give you courage and determiination.
PICTURE THAT FREEDOM AND FEEL YOU ARE IN THE CENTRE OF THAT PICTURE

Intially your life will be extremely tough but believe me it is worh every cent of it. GO FOR IT AND DO NOT LOOK BACK. END THIS SLAVERT

June 3, 2007
10:10 am
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vinny
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