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Tired of being fearful-New
April 8, 2005
12:59 pm
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flutterin
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I am new here and want to give alittle about myself. I am currently in counceling, i went to get help while detoxing myself from 3yrs of taking pain pills. And found out i had to deal with a whole lot more. codependency is what has brought me to the point of using drugs myself,even after seeing my parents lose everything over alchol and drugs. and the father of my childern abused painkillers and lost everything.

As a child i was my mother caretaker. she got to be as irresponsble as she wanted.I never was a priority for either parent. I was alway put in uncomfortable situation, never safe to be a kid.I can't remember ever being comfortable being me, there was alway something going on that hindered me from letting anyone really knowing me.Thats realy not even touching all bases.hell, i had built up so many survival defenses, including my drug use.Just so i could keep fear away.

I am sober for 48 days now.And am dealing with fears i have ignored for too long.I feel sad for that little girl in side me that alway wanted safty and to be important, now i was doing the same thing to her that feared her. i was betraying her,ignoring and neglecting her.I was trashing her,telling her she wasn't good enough.truly sad...

I know my patterns of my hurt mouments and what i'm prone to do.And am trying to learn more so i don't hurt myself any longer.It's so difficult.I need feed back I go in and out of being okay. thanks for reading Jolene

April 8, 2005
2:56 pm
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RLH
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Welcome! You'll find that everyone here will help. There are so many people in the world and we all have so many problems in common. It is great that you have been sober and it will be hard, but you have taken an important step in your life. Don't give up.

April 8, 2005
3:34 pm
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D dog
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Hi Jo -

Your situation is very similar to mine. The little girl inside me never received the emotional nurturing that she needed...(alcoholic mom, emotionally unavailable dad). As a result, I became a codependent alcoholic. Also dabbled in coke quite a bit last year.

I've been sober for only two days now, so I guess all my repressed emotions haven't really had time to surface. I'm afraid, too. But I'm also proud of myself for facing my habits, and being willing to make a change.

You should be, too! Keep posting - this board has given me more strength than my therapist has!

(((HUGS)))

April 8, 2005
3:49 pm
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Anonymous
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The little girl is not gone. She never will be. This is one of the most wonderful things my daughter taught me! With her, I learned how to play again. Now, I play all the time.

You don't need a Barbie, or Play-doh unless that's what you want. You can do whatever you feel like doing. My favorite time to play is when I have to travel. I'm in a hotel. No one is around and I can do anything--even dance naked!

I love these times when I can embrace the child inside of me who was too busy "feeling" for my entire emotionless family to relax and just be.

It takes a little practice and it can feel intimidating at first, like someone is going to catch you, or can see what you're doing. With a little time, though, you will find that you are learning to love yourself more and more!

Love,

Ren'ai

April 8, 2005
5:29 pm
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flutterin
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Ren'ai,
I hoped to beable to talk to you I just got back from reading your post.Well just about all them.I love the way you write. I know i have depth,But you really capature details of your thoughts and,I don't know...... I want to be like you when i grow up.
I totally understand fliping back and forth.Thats what i'm doing right now. I'm looking into the mirror and hating what i see.I understand why and how I got here and am learning the tools to get through but,having a hard time moving off that.I can't get through feeling hopless and I feel that spiral.
At this moument i don't know how to approach anything,from this flood thats came in of unresolved emotion.everything is negative beating me down. I want a vicodin to snuff it out. I know thats death to me.maybe I want to be miserble.....
to a caterpiler it's the end of the world,to a butterfly it's the begining.
I know part of this is I rather have someone do this for me.crazy and sick as it seems. I can't live off crumbs. I need to get off my ass.
thanks for reading, Jolene

D- dog, I was told that getting off the drug. would be the easiest part of recovery.I had full blown withdrawals.this is difficult to listen to your fears and know where their coming from!

April 8, 2005
5:46 pm
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Rasputin
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Hi Jolene,

Welcome to this board. You will find so many people here who are informative, knowledgeable, an resourceful.

You are not alone with your struggles. In fact, the majority of us come from dysfunctional families.

For emotional healing I would suggest to you to purchase the book "Finding peace for your heart" by: Stormie Omartian, EXCELLENT book about emotional pain and healing from abuse, wounds, lack of love etc.

I have posted a thread "U R UNIQUE! SELF-ESTEEM MATTERS!!!" It is an excerpt from that wonderful book above-mentioned. It will enable you to indentify with so many negative feelings you might be experiencing right now.

So, if you go to the box up and type in that title of the thread, you will be able to read it.

In the meantime, I will add your name to my prayer list.

Love,

Rasputin

April 8, 2005
6:54 pm
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Foggy1
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Congratulations Flutterin for getting off the pills, I know its difficult and you should be proud of yourself.

You're doing really well in that you are discovering why you numbed yourself all that time. Sometimes thats the hardest part once you're past the worst of the physical withdrawls, but perhaps it needs to be done in order to heal and stay clean

Please stay in some type of counseling and try looking up pills anonymous in the google search, you'll find a few groups there.

By the way, there is a long period of adjustment once your initial physical withdrawal is over. Don't be surprised by occassional anxiety of bouts of depression, your brain needs to heal too and that takes a little longer.

Good job

April 8, 2005
7:21 pm
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flutterin
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I really can be more positive than this.It's been a down day.This is my bout of depression,for sure. I have little desire in anything around me today.
My councelor told me it takes a good 6 months to get over using. my brain won't work normally.My thoughts and memory is fuzzy.
foggy, I was chating with other addicts.But there were only a few really tring to work steps,or tring to get to the root of things.I'm working steps of codependency.It's what made me tick.I also attend NA meetings.

April 8, 2005
7:21 pm
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flutterin
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I really can be more positive than this.It's been a down day.This is my bout of depression,for sure. I have little desire in anything around me today.
My councelor told me it takes a good 6 months to get over using. my brain won't work normally.My thoughts and memory is fuzzy.
foggy, I was chating with other addicts.But there were only a few really tring to work steps,or tring to get to the root of things.I'm working steps of codependency.It's what made me tick.I also attend NA meetings.

April 8, 2005
7:25 pm
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flutterin
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Hello, I don't know what just happened!!!

Rasputin, thank you for "U R UNIQIE" I'll read it tonite. I printed it out.

April 8, 2005
7:44 pm
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flutterin-
I have to really watch myself around pain pills too. Luckily for me they're not readily available like alcohol. I could probably easily become addicted to them if I was around them much. I took my first one in the ninth grade. A boy in my class gave me one & it made me feel good. I've struggled with it ever since.

The craving gets a lot worse when I'm facing tough times, especially with relationships. When my boyfriend broke up with me, my first thought was, how fast can I get to the drugstore to get that refill of my cough syrup? I started smoking again, too.

I've been trying really hard since that day not to fall into that old trap anymore. I'm trying to fill that void in my life with something other than cigarettes and drugs. I've been praying, talking to friends, talking to people on this site, and writing out my thoughts and feelings.

I'm tired of using a crutch to get through the hard times in life. I've made up my mind that I can do this on my own without anything like that.

You'll get throught this! Get away from the people you do that with & find other things to occupy your time.

I'll pray for you!

April 8, 2005
7:50 pm
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RosyGirl
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After I wrote, I got to thinking about why I liked to take pain pills so much & how it's related to my codep. I never saw any drug abuse in my family, but growing up I was expected to be good & perfect. We didn't talk about our feelings at home. It was almost like it was "wrong" to have emotions.

Taking pain pills numbed my emotions. I guess maybe I felt like that made me the good & perfect person I was supposed to be. Also, I'd take them to numb the feelings of being self-conscious & shy & stressed from all that pressure to be perfect.

Something to think about.

April 8, 2005
8:07 pm
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flutterin
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Rosygirl,
very smart girl! exactly! I felt good enough no matter want i was doing. I felt productive.
It shut all the negative thoughts down that I had, the situations I was recreating in my head.numbed everything,I was outgoing, inhibited and didn't care what others thought of me.
It wasn't me though. I can get through this and I don't have to be anything like the drug induced Jolene. I just need to accept that i might be the oppisite of that. and thats okay.

April 8, 2005
8:36 pm
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RosyGirl
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That's exactly how it made me feel. I'm normally pretty shy, but it made me really chatty & funny. Gave me this euphoric feeling like everything is good & right. I was more productive when I'd take them too. You're right though, it wasn't me. Im trying to learn to like myself for who I really am, not who other people want me to be. It's a new beginning for both of us!

April 8, 2005
8:53 pm
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D dog
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Yup, alcohol did the same thing for me (not to mention coke). And I too, have to now learn to like the "real" me.

So far I do...early days.

April 8, 2005
9:31 pm
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flutterin
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It's werid, when i started with the drug.I can remember the issues of confidence i was having.I was tring to juggle two jobs and be there for my kids, alone.
And as long as i was dependent on something I was fine.I could be what I thought I needed to be.

without the drug I was easily discouraged and told myself I couldn't do all I needed to do...
It was a false sence of security.

I'm sure I wasn't as perfect as I thought I was on pain pills....... I know I wasn't!!!!

April 8, 2005
10:02 pm
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RosyGirl
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That's exactly how it made me feel. I'm normally pretty shy, but it made me really chatty & funny. Gave me this euphoric feeling like everything is good & right. I was more productive when I'd take them too. You're right though, it wasn't me. Im trying to learn to like myself for who I really am, not who other people want me to be. It's a new beginning for both of us!

April 8, 2005
10:04 pm
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flutterin
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It's not only drugs. before I even started using I was with my daughters father,who was so unbeliveable unavailable.He was having an affair with his addiction.

I was going to help him for his own good!!!I put everything I had into getting him to love me and to do the right things.I would think there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't good enough and loveable from time to time,and then get angry and sabatoge him.

That was a survival thing for me.So It would hurt so much.I need to work on so much.I don't even know where I was going w/ this. I have so much on my plate. I don't even know quite whats what right now. I feel disillusioned.
just when I think I know something,it's gone. I'm A mess!!!!!!

April 8, 2005
10:10 pm
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RosyGirl
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Yeah going after emotionally unavailable guys something I've always done in the past. Then when they let me down, rejected me, ignored me, whatever - I'd try to numb those feelings with different things. I'd go out & party & drink with my friends, but I'm not a big drinker. I wouldn't smoke pot because it made me very self-conscious & I wouldn't talk for being afraid of saying something stupid. Pain pills just seemed like the perfect choice b/c you couldn't smell them or know that I had done it. I still had to keep up my "perfect girl" appearance even while I was falling apart.

It really is a false sense of security. When you take away that crutch, you have to figure out the real you.

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