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Time to Wake Up / lost soul
January 14, 2001
9:31 pm
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lost soul
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After so many many years of hopes & dreams, finally is time for me to wake up & face the reality of cruetly.

For those who have been here to share my story, I take this oppotunity to thank you for those moment & advises you have gave me.

For me, it's just like I have been in a dream for 13 or 14 years. The beautiful things is that I wake up with one extra person, that's my daughter. Other than that all the fantasy about love, commitment and family bond has exits.

I do not know what I will do in the future, but one thing I knew for sure is that I don't have to wait for someone to change and come back to me. because this person simply does not understand the word love.

January 14, 2001
9:45 pm
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gingerleigh
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Cheers to you, lost soul. Do you want to talk more about this?

January 15, 2001
3:16 am
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lost soul
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Well, it's difficult to describe my feeling now. Althought I knew that something is not right about my marriage, I don't know it will come this bad.

It is just another similar old story " husband engage in extra-marital affair" wife trying to save marriage, but at last " his " decision is to choose the other party.

January 16, 2001
12:02 pm
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Molly
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This is no time to get sentimental, this is WAR. I have watched and been taken advantage of in the sentimental department, so I now take a firm stand, clean him out. Get the meanest toughest lawyer, and hit him where it is gonna really hurt him. Leave him in the fetal position in the gutter, so baby cakes must now pay for the scoundral. Go get your hair done for starters, then start with the exercise, it will help you relieve tension, clear your head, and youll end up with a new body. Cut the communication off, don't let him in. Pack his stuff up, and that for a start might give him a glimpse of the reality he has chosen. Thank him for the freedom of worry from the misery he has caused, and send him a bill from the md, to ascertain he didn't share anything with you. Jerk.

January 16, 2001
10:21 pm
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lost soul
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Thanks Molly,that's exactly what I would like to so.

Strange things is that I am not so upset like before but rather facing the facts and take it quite lightly. I think that's the best gift I gave to myself after so many years of hoping, longing, struggling and trying. The day when I confirmed he no longer feel for me, I think it's time to wake up from my "own fantasy world of love" In fact, he is not with me emotionally for the past few years. All I can remember now is he has brought me more misery than happiness.

Althought, I still let him stay in the house, we are not sharing the same room. As I have mentioned it before what I need now is time. Time will heal my wounds and I feel better each day. Honestly, I no longer feel it's a pity not to have a perfact family.I think it's this thought that makes me enduring for so many years.

Please don't get me wrong, if he is moving out, I will not stop him this time.

January 17, 2001
7:29 am
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Helenof Troy
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The Wrath of Molly...I love it. You have inspired me once again. LOSTSOUL..wake up calls are more like rude awakenings but at least you know the answer. Now it's time to brush off the dirt, and start kickin' some a__ and take numbers. THIS is the time where you'll need the support the most as well. Surround yourself with friends who love you and will be there. And well..there's always this site to help you. I wish you well darlin..

January 17, 2001
8:32 pm
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Molly
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If he is in the house your still in limbo, but a perhaps more reality based limbo, the choices are becomming more clear. Like your still to close to the merry go round, and could jump back on when the pretty horse comes by. Get it? Just don't fall for the pretty horse, ok, stay indifferent, and stay focused on you and make your plans of protection, if he is still there, there will be other hurdles to over come. How is the hair by the way, did you sign up for an exercise class, dance class any class????? Get moving time to be different.

January 17, 2001
10:40 pm
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lost soul
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Thanks Molly.

Each day I am getting better and better. I knew what you mean. But honestly, I don't feel for him like before, maybe is due to the harms he did to me for these few years.

I am doing arobics for about a year plus.

Thanks Helenof Troy.
Yes, this is a great site!It's has been with me during those difficults moment in my life, whereby I have no one to talk to. I received advises which helps me to growth, to see things in a different perspective. I have people who shares my sorrows.

I hope I can truly live my life to the fullest. Well, at least be happy!

January 20, 2001
12:01 am
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lost soul
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Yes, Molly you are right! Last night I got crazy again.

I was watching TV when he came home last. As usual he dressed up himself & was about to go out. I asked him for 150 which he supposed to give me every forthnight.( I am the one who is paying for everything in the house) He has the money but just refuse to give me.That was when I can't control my anger anymore. I became violent!!! I actually use a chair as "weapon" I also gave him a punch. I challenge him to fight back. I knew I am no match for him, but I don't know why I am doing this??? I think maybe if he beat me then I have a reason to reports to the police & some new outcome will happen???

I think my anger is partly due to recently some of my friends, relatives and ex-colleges told me that they have seen him with the woman. I felt it is a big insults to me.

I am going to be a crazy moman to be with this man.Sometime I even take my sleeping pills with liquor.
I really don't know what I am doing & how all this misery will end???

This is all not about love anymore, it's has become hated, revenge, fight back. I don't know what it is??? some time I just cannot control my emotions, my anger, my fustrastions!!

I have done nothing to deserved all this nonsences.

January 20, 2001
7:44 am
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janes
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Most women haven't "done anything" to deserve what is dished out.

SO WHAT!!!! Why are you letting him stay in the house. Get the locks changed....put his stuff is storage and give him the key when he gives you the money.

Get him where it hurts and don't be silly about hitting him or being abusive in any way.

Reality (your friends seeing them together) was just raised to another level. Why is it an insult to you? You already know what a cad he is...so he is proving it to others...How dumb..of him!

Don't give him ammunition (she's a crazy woman) don't give him any satisfaction at all

It's over...be calm...move on...and rub his nose in your maturity and grace.

STOP DOING STUPID THINGS TO YOURSELF !!

Like Molly said.."This is war" Be smart and don't shoot yourself in the foot.

Your true friends KNOW that he is the idiot and you are not. His behavior only reflects on you if you let it.

YOu are not his mother...he's an adult..and a lying cheating cheapskate as well.

Hurting your self will not hurt him.

Stay sane, stay smart and get the locks changed.

Come on girl...you know the best for you and it isn't him.

j-

January 20, 2001
9:30 am
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lost soul
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Thank you janes, thank you.

Yes, I will try to control my temper. being violent is not civilize.

I am still quite puzzle about his act. It's either 1) He is deeply in love with this woman or 2) He is afraid of her due to some reasons. He is risking of giving up his family because of this woman. I know I might sounds codependency. Well, whatever it is, I will try to focus on myself & my daughter.

Will keep you update.

January 21, 2001
7:44 pm
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Alena
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Ya know, Lost Soul, does it really matter why he is doing this? You mention in your first note that this is after years of him doing bad things to you. Isn't it time to just worry about your own self and your daughter, and get as far away from his cruelty as possible.

You need to work on your own self esteem. Whatever his reasons for his behavior, they will probably continue after you are out of his life.

I don't know where you live, but in most/many cities, it is now the law that if the police are called out on a domestic problem, they will arrest a woman also if the man shows any sign of being assaulted. I would hate to think that could happen to you if he's the one who remains calm and crafty during your anger episode.
Please turn that anger into something positive. Get him out of your life as soon as possible. If you look to him for nothing, he will have no power over you.

Trust in yourself. Depend on yourself. Yes, you can do it. You have friends and family? Let them support you through this. But work towards standing on your own two feet. I've been there. You can do it.

Peace.....and strength.

January 21, 2001
11:12 pm
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lost soul
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Well, thanks Alena.

I don't know why have I behave thay way the other night. I guessed is due to so many years of suppressed anger.

January 22, 2001
9:06 am
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Alena
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I totally understand the reason for your anger outburst. Like I said, I've been there. You are justified in all that you finally said and did. I just don't want you to be the one hauled off to jail because you are assaulting him. And it is assault even if he's 200 lbs bigger than you. It's ridiculous.

He has no right to treat you the way he does. But you are the only one who can change it.

Don't let him ruin your life, it's way too short.

If you can't get him to leave, then you get out. Get a lawyer, get support, get away from him. The bottom line right now is not who gets what, or how can I fix this, the bottom line right now is get away from him and get your mind set on how you CAN live without him, and live BETTER. Then, work at who gets what, what he owes me, all that stuff, through a lawyer. Break all contact with this guy, it's the only way to break any control he has over you or any feelings you may feel for him when you see him.

Put yourself and your daughter first...after all, your daughter doesn't need to grow up thinking it's okay to be treated that way. For her future, change yours.

January 22, 2001
8:28 pm
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Molly
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I know what happened been there and done it my self. You are on the edge, and still trying to play nice nice with the scorpian, remember the story? This is how many a nice woman ends up with the handcuffs on, and that is no joke, or doing the time because she shot him. Don't let it go any further, you are human, and can't controll things. Since you are carrying the load, and he is having a good time humilitating you, put his stuff on the street, and get a restraining order, or divorce papers, or you move out, and leave his stuff there wondering where the heck you are, but don't engage in anything with him any more. Your dazed and amazed, and it takes energy to make the split, and your trying to catch your breath, when you get a new pile of shit dumpped on your head, there is no way you can just continue to take it with out reacting because there is that part of you that must survive, and that is what causes you to do stupid things, and I am sure that he is going to have a friggin smirk on his friggin face when he sees you, because he has your button, and knows when and how to push it and you are out of controll, and he is feeding on this, so take controll, before you loose it again. Don't go mad, go to war.

January 26, 2001
4:26 am
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lost soul
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Well, thanks. I am here, but not to sure what to say.

It's not easy to break the cycle just like that as much as I wish so. I wish I am more firm, that way I might suffer less. Molly is right to say that I am still playing nice nice with the scorpian, but I am not as naive as before.

I am not to sure whether my marriage will work out or will end out divorce, both of these outcome progress over a period of time. But I know if the day will to come, I am prepared for it.

January 26, 2001
6:40 pm
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Molly
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In the mean time, make sure you take care of you, and duh, I understand. Laugh a little and have some fun.

January 28, 2001
3:57 pm
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Helenof Troy
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lostsoul...get some great books. My counselor turned me onto a wonderful human being by the name of Dr Barbara De Angelis!! You've probably heard of her but I just started reading her books. Right now I'm reading "Are you the one for me?" Superb. READ IT lostsoul..you will find yourself in many of those situations. Good luck and happy self healing.

January 29, 2001
4:46 am
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lost soul
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Thanks for your concerns.

Well, it has been a roller coster week for me. He has been playing a "nice" guy for a week and the real reason behind it is to borrow some money from.

I told him "loud & clear" that this will be the last time I lend him the money. I also informed my in-laws about it.

Frankly, I am quite sick & tired of this person.

I have not say this for the past 13 years, but today I want to say this to myself :

I NO LONGER LOVE THIS MAN ANYMORE!!!
HE BRINGS ONLY MISERY TO MY LIFE!!!
I DON'T HATE HIM, BUT I DISTASTE HIM!!!
I AM WAITING FOR THE DAY WHEN HE TOTALLY BE OUT OF MY LIFE FOREVER!!!

January 29, 2001
5:36 am
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hazza
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Lost Soul,
the day he is totally out of your life will ONLY come when YOU make that day happen.
he isn't gonna go anywhere, he has it ALL, doesn't he!
He has his fancy woman outside, and you at home, even lending him money!!!!

KICK HIM OUT GIRL!
NOTHING will change until YOU make a decision.
He is NOT gonna wake up one day and change into a nice person.
Honestly, how many more times are you gonna draw a line and then move that line once he crosses it?

Youa re saying okay, if you do THAT, then that is it, then end. And then he does THAT, and you say, okay but if you do THIS then that really IS the end!
He knows right now, that all your threats come to nothing.
What possible motive has he to change???

My relationship only changed because I DID something. I finally woke up.
It doesn't always have to end in divorce, but people involved have to make a choice and stick to it.
Why would he make a choice now?? everything is SO rosy for him, however badly he treats you, he never has to pay for his actions.
You need to show him that REAL consequences happen when he does things.
Only that will make him think about the things he does.
Good luck
Peace
Hazza

January 29, 2001
7:30 am
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janes
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DO NOT GIVE HIM ANYTHING ANYMORE NO HOW NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Change the locks. Doesn't he STILL owe you money?

Being civilized doesn't mean supporting him. It means not slugging him when you really knows he deserves it!

Being civilized means not burning all his stuff.

GET HIM OUT OF THERE!!!

I don't hate sour milk. I have a sitaste for it..so I poour it down the drain I don't keep it in the fridge.

Dirty diapers are distastful...I don't save those either.

Get rid of the dead wood in your life and he is it!!!

January 29, 2001
2:14 pm
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Helenof Troy
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And for god sakes..lostsoul, PUHLEEEEEZZZEE do not fall for that.."But I love you, babe".. They know exactly what to say and do to get what they need from you. I fell for that and wanted to believe it only to find myself back in the horrendous merry go round that I knew that the only way to make it stop was that if I GOT OFF OF THE RIDE OR STOPPED IT MYSELF! Like hazza was sayin'...the line will be moved and then crossed time and time again unless you remove yourself from the situation. Ask yourself..is this love? IT ISN'T. GET HELP..and GET REAL LOVE.

January 29, 2001
7:54 pm
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Molly
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One more slap sweetie, and I do believe slap therapy works, so, ha ha you fell for it, you fell for it one last time right????
I liked what you languaged in caps. It is tough to sever the cord, but you are there, and damn it, take the steps that you know you need to take. One more time HE AIN'T GONNA CHANGE UNLESS ............ so push it, take his stuff, and be dramatic with it, so you called the in'laws, big deal, they know they raised him, now take his stuff to them, and leave a note on the door with the changed locks where he can go and find his stuff, and if that doesn't work for you put it on the front step. I had a counselor tell me to do this 2 years into the relationship, it took me 10 more years of hell before I got up the nerve to leave even 6 months after he was out of the house, don't make my lessons unworthy of your education. Just do it, like Nike says. Common, be a real woman. You are not alone.

January 29, 2001
9:12 pm
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lost soul
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Thank you everyone for your sincere & frank advises. I really appreciated it. Unlike all my friends who are afraid to say something "true" which might really supports my intentions of breaking up this marriage.

I am not hoping that he will change & I know he won't. The reasons I did not take the steps to lock him out of the house is because of my daughter. I know it may sounds silly to you, but in our country ( Asia ) the culture is different. Most of the time, people always judge superficially, " who is the real bad guy!!!" If I am going to chase him out at this time, my in-laws will be the first person to say that I did it because "he is in finacial difficuties"" he has no money"

By the time you gals read this, you may find my theories crazy. Anyway, I am glad that I can "speak out my mind" here.

Thanks for listening!

February 1, 2001
11:36 pm
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lost soul
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Well, kind fo taking this like a journal.

Looking forwards to the weekend for a good rest. Meeting up with an old colleage for a chat on Sunday.

Quite positive mindset these few days.
That "fellow" is still out of the picture.

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