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time keeps going
May 19, 2007
1:09 pm
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thumkin
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Today it has been 2 months. Some days are a little better than others. I started my new job. I think I am going to like it. I am working in mental health now. On the days I get a little time after work I go sit with him at his grave and I talk to him. I tell him if he would have stayed we could be playing with the girls and cooking dinner. I still cry a lot. I sometimes think I am going off the deep end.

I think I am looking for him in everyone new that I meet and then I get pissed off when I realize he is not here. I got a weekend job as a bartender. Last night was my first night. I had a blast, made quite a bit in tips. Then drove home and cried myself to sleep. It was wrong to be at the bar where we met and have to sleep without him. I cannot find words deep enough to explain the pain I feel because of him being gone.

I know I have my girls to take care of. I love them more than anything. But I feel like sometimes I dont care if I live or die. I dont want to die, I just dont seem to care. Everytime I get in the car I wonder if maybe today someone will make a stupid mistake and that will be the end of me. I dont want that to happen but its almost like when I am thinking those thoughts I dont care if it happens. I miss him.

I dont know how or why I did it but its like I made him my life and now I dont know how to LIVE without him. I do what I am supposed to do to function, but sometimes it takes effort. Like eating, or taking a shower. I have to make myself cuz I know I am supposed to. Its just all different.

I think if I could put into words what this feels like maybe I would feel a little better. THERE ARE NO WORDS. I miss him.

I still cannot sleep in my bed. I cannot find a house for me and the girls. I have been working over here for three weeks now and the driving is killing me. I hardly get to spend any time with the girls. I miss them.

I dont know what to do.

May 19, 2007
1:24 pm
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ggfred4
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(((thumkin))) I am so sorry you are feeling such grief and sorrow. I have never had a loss like yours, so I have not been in your shoes to give advice. I am glad you came to share and release, that is good for you. Please take care of yourself...

gg

May 19, 2007
1:45 pm
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thedogsmom
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(((thumkin))) I hear your pain and am so very sorry for you. I have never experienced what you have just lost- losing your lover to suicide--I have however experienced pain and grief from losing a loved one and can relate to the depression you are feeling. I too for reasons I couldn't understand could not bring myself to sleep in my own bed. I slept on the living room floor with the dogs and tv for almost an entire year after he died.
It has only been two months. that is NOTHING in the time of love..
grieve, cry- it's normal. it will take more time.
but as your title says-- time does go on... it goes on whether you are having fun or not.. whether you are depressed or not.

don't feel guilty about not spending more time with your chidren. you love those girls and are doing the best that you can in this time of your pain and grief. That is perfectly normal...it's normal... don't be so hard on yourself.

you do need to keep on truckin...and take care of yourself. allow yourself some days to wallow in bed all day long and rest and cry and watch boring tv-- that you can't concentrate on.. and eat whatever you want..

and then on the other days...force yourself. FORCE yourself to go through the rituals ..of getting out of bed when the alarm clock goes off REGARDLESS of how tired you still are... and jump in the shower and brush your teeth and take the time to make yourself presentable .. and go about your daily business..

try to allow a little time for excercise or if you can't do that right now..just try to meditate where you just lie there and try to get rid of those thoughts in your head...listen to music through headphones perhaps..or just sit in silence-- no tv-- no music-- quiet house...
I wish it didn't hurt so bad..but it does.. and that is normal to grieve like you are.
hugs to you
TDM

May 19, 2007
2:06 pm
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thumkin
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Thank you both for thinking of me. TDM can I ask you why you couldnt sleep in your bed? My girls keep asking me why I wont and I just dont know how to answer them. I know my sheets will no longer have his smell on them but its more than that.

May 19, 2007
4:46 pm
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Rewind
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Thumkin ,I am so very upset for your huge loss.It's like a great chunk of you has been removed when you looked the other way!

All I can say in my experience is that it is a day by day process.You probably know all the theory Kubler Ross etc, however living through it is completely different....and takes much longer with suicide (my mother comitted suicide)we were very close & she protected me from her pain:(

Just be kind to yourself,thedogsmom suggestions are great and continue to share and release (ggfred4).Your children will be your shining light in many ways, try not to feel guilty re work/time balance-you are doing your best...love is what really matters, your children love you and you them if you spend 1hr with them or 10hrs.

Unanswered questions and deep pain/regret are the hardest.For me the pain and missing her has never gone away but I have learnt to live with it and focus on the precious times I had with her on this Earth.

Light & love your way Thumkinx

May 20, 2007
6:48 am
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taj64
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Thumkin I have been thinking of you. It still has only been 2 months. You will never forget him but in time you won't feel so badly. It could take awhile. You are doing the best you can for now, time does keep going but in time it won't seem like time is so slow. Loss of loved one is the most painful experience one can go through. But pain lessens. It will happen. Slowly but surely. Have faith.

May 20, 2007
9:55 pm
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fantas
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(((((Thumpkin)))) I don't what to say but send you lots of healing love and energy. As it has been shared, time will give you the strength to endure it. In the mean time, rely on the strength of your girls, friends, family and anyone else. Perhaps consider joining a grieving support group. They would definitely know exactly what you are going through. Hug!!!!

May 21, 2007
12:10 pm
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thumkin
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Thank you all. It really means a lot to me.

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