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Time has come to move on...but how?
June 9, 2009
3:53 pm
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changeisgood
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I've been involved in a relationship for 13 years. We met on the internet and moved in together shortly thereafter.

In the beginning things were great. Then I started to find out about her past. She has very low self esteem, 2 DUIs (before she met me), two failed marriages, is binge drinker when we socialize, has ADD etc etc etc. I tried to overcome my disappoint in what I had gotten into to, but I'm finding it very hard to forgive myself. We have never married. I know in my heart I could never make that commitment to her, and never will.

I am strong enough to know it's time to break this relationship apart and move on. The turmoil I'm about to go through will not break me.

For a while she worked with me in my business. It was disaster. She was intolerable to work with and a total drama queen who drove all my employees away over time. I eventually asked her to leave the business last year to save my sanity. Since that time I have watched her jump from project to project, grow angry because she can never accomplish anything and take it all out on me like it's my fault. She seems to be jealous of my accomplishments and instead of celebrating when a new goal is reached in my career, I just get snide remarks. I have encouraged counseling and offered to pay for help but she refuses. She says it's in my head.

The house is a wreck. She spends most of her day surfing the net chatting on message boards and trying to garden, which ends up with tools strewn across the yard, half grown and dying plants everywhere and an obstacle coarse of discarded projects in the yard and house. If I point it out or suggest she clean up a bit or get away from the computer a while she unloads on me.

She is so disorganized it's maddening. Yet, she points out that it's my fault because I won't help her keep it organized. To be honest I grew tired of cleaning up only to come in from work and find stuff trashed and strewn about again. I work very long hours now to cover our expenses and all I ask is that she clean up after herself. But, she is sure to pull up the bank account online and let me know that I need to make more money because we are low on funds.

She suffers from sleep apnea and I cannot sleep in the same room. Once again, I have offered to pay for help, but she refuses. I hate traveling anymore because I am stuck in this room with snoring that can wake the dead and if I wake her I get my head bit off.

She is constantly grumpy, very moody and blames the world (and me) for her problems. She has very little patience with anybody, yet expects everyone to be patient with her. She creates drama over things where there shouldn't be any.

The constant negativity is really starting to affect me. I'm having trouble sleeping and feel myself slipping into a depressed state of mind. I do meditate and can center myself, but I'm finding it more difficult. My brain just seems scrambled these days.

The amazing thing is our friends love her and rarely, if ever, see the "dark" side. I know when I break it off they are going to think I'm a bastard for breaking her heart. I've come to accept that and I'm willing to deal with the fall out. I hat to even comprehend what drama will ensue when I tell her it's over. Based on past arguments when I suggested I wanted out, it will get very nasty and messy, very quick.

She is a part owner in my business (big mistake on my part) so I'm consulting an attorney on how to handle separating her from the business entirely. Thank goodness the business was established 8 years before I met her, so maybe that is in my favor. To be honest, I'm willing to let the business go also if it means I can get some piece of mind again. We live on my family property that I owned before I met her also, so that shouldn't be a problem. My parents still live on the property (it's a large spread) and keep to themselves. She can't stand being around them and they walk on eggshells around her. I really feel about about that. In fact I feel horrible.

I'm not sure what legal measures are going to have to be taken to get out of this mess since we have only lived together and never been married. The state we live in has a common law clause but it was enacted after we had moved here. I'm consulting an attorney on this also to see where stand.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I do care for her, but I don't love her anymore and haven't for a while. The love, on my part, left the relationship long ago. I find it hard to even be around her now. She is very clingy and depends on me for everything. I can't deal with it anymore. She, by her own actions, has drove me away. When she feels I'm about to explode, she turns on the charm. It hasn't worked for quite some time. I have grown to the point of not wanting to show any affection to her and our sexual relation have been a mute point for months. She doesn't seem to mind as long as she is allowed to muddle through her days doing as she pleases.

I have never even thought of cheating on her, or tried. To be honest, I think it will be quite a while before I would entertain the idea of another relationship. Getting out of this present situation with her is more about my sanity and well being than anything else.

I came here after finding it in a moment of desperation last night and needing someone, anyone, to talk to. I honestly just need some support from anybody right now as I can't turn to my friends.

Any suggestions and support would be kindly appreciated.

Sorry for the long post....it's been a rough week and it's only Tuesday.

June 9, 2009
4:04 pm
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CAMER
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((changeisgood)) i am glad you decided to end this relationship....the hard part is yet to come...how do you think she will handle it. She may be difficult to leave (she may not want to) and you must come up with a few different plans. she may be devastated, but stick to your guns and don't let her back once you say its over.

Seems like the relationship should have ended a long time ago. I know the feeling, bad relationships, going too many years too much and just not feeling happy.

You seem like you know what you want, now is the time to think of how you want to end it with her, without her becoming a drama queen about it.

Maybe tt a lawyer about the business aspect of it.

what do you think happened and when did the relationship start to fade?? years ago??? or have you been wanting to break up for mannnnnnyyy yeeeeearrrs???

Keep posting & know you are not alone.

June 9, 2009
5:40 pm
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Lanigirl
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Changeisgood,

I'm so glad you posted. Good for you for seeing that this relationship isn't working for you anymore. No reason to spend one more minute if something isn't working for you. I'm also glad you're consulting an attorney.

Even if she refuses the help, what do you think of getting some help? What seemed like stuck out like a sore thumb from your post was that you moved in together shortly after you met.

I'm taking inventory of my own life and choices and this site is helping me sort through things or just have a sounding board. It has helped me to know that there are other people out there that are trying to make it right for themselves. Thanks for sharing.

June 9, 2009
6:43 pm
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changeisgood,

HUGS to you and Welcome. Z

June 9, 2009
6:46 pm
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fantas
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Changeisgood, I'm also glad you landed here. You are definitely in the right place. Many of us know about being in draining and hurtful relationships and wanting to get out but not knowing how. Sounds like you are there, you have decided to end this. To be honest, I kept wondering why you stuck in there for thirteen years. You have a great deal of strength you may not know you have. For now do what you need to to get you peace of mind. She is a grown up and she will survive.

I would suggest you take the counseling you are offering her and figure out why you were willing to put up with this type of treatment for this length of time. There is a lot there. For starters, you might want to sort out what you were getting out of this relationship. Something must have been working for you to want to stay in it for this long. In time, all this will become clear. Takes a while of serious soul searching. Good for you for looking at all things from a legal perspective because thirteen years is worth something even to her.

June 9, 2009
6:47 pm
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changeisgood
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Camer, thanks for responding,

Yes, I wanted to end this for many years.

I know it's going to be hard, very hard to end this without it turning into a very nasty situation. I guess I have just put it off hoping it would resolve itself. I dread all the drama, and be assured it will happen, probably in a very public manner if she has her way. I'm going to made out to be the bad guy and "selfish". I can deal with that. I just need some space and peace in my life. I know it must happen, an soon.

The relationship faded about 10 years ago after her past started to surface and I found out her real history. I have hung in there trying my best to make this work. In response, I became a workaholic and buried myself in my work as an escape. It was not a solution and has made me miserable even though I was able to channel the pain and anger into a force of energy that has made me excel in my career. Though, it has taken it's toll.

We have traveled all over the world. I make good money. She wants for nothing. Yet, she still gets pissed and dramatic about the least little things that shouldn't matter. She creates her on little soap opera and she is the star. I look at her and shake my head. It likes watching a 4 year old not getting their way.

I realized 3 years into the raltionship that I should have called it quits and moved on, but when I make a commitment to someone I stick by it. I made a horrible mistake in sticking with her. I'm not the person to fix her broken life. I'm going to have to worry about fixing myself now. My meditation and Buddhist practices are helping immensely, but I'm still human and I dread the suffering to come. All I can look forward to is the peace that will hopefully follow as soon as she is gone.

The real question is how quickly can I go through with all the necessary steps to make it happen. I'm swamped at work as this is my busiest season. My career is soaring and throwing this drama in the middle is going to make things very difficult. Yet, I know that I have to start the process soon. Going to see the attorneys next week is at least a step in the right direction. She has seemed suspicious that I was going to end the relationship for years so keeping this under wraps until I have consulted all the legal angles is going to be difficult. I want to have my ducks in a row before I address this with her.

I'm so tired. I'm going to ramble a bit. I just need to get some of this out so here goes....

She wants my advice but won't heed it. So I ask her why she asks for advice and then dismisses it, only to be told that it won't work in her situation and "why did I ask you anyway?" I want to scream sometimes. She makes no sense. I think she revels in feeling downtrodden and negative. She thrives on it. I'm just the opposite. I'm extremely optimistic. Maybe that was why she was drawn to me. All I know is that she is a like an energy vampire sucking the life force out of me with her mood swings and negativity.

We go out with friends to have dinner which, for her, leads to many drinks, then she has the audacity to look at me and say "one is too many and ten is not enough" and to stop telling her what to do when I suggest that maybe she only have a couple. It's got me to the point of not wanting to go out and socialize anymore. If she has a drink, she must get a buzz. There is no such thing as having a glass of wine. It has to be a bottle.

I'm no prude and I socially drink, yet her inability to have a drink without adding 4 or 5 more on top bothers me. She also smokes when she drinks which is very difficult for me since I have been quit for over 15 years, yet I find myself smoking a cigarette just to stay calm while she gets drunk. Then I beat up on myself for giving in. Thankfully, I have only slipped a few times, but just the fact that she knows how difficult it is to break a tobacco addiction and still smokes around me while not caring that it's very difficult for me to be around smokers. I guess seeing me smoke makes her feel better about herself. I hate even going out to eat with her now because she will inevitably order a drink, not a regular drink, but the biggest, strongest drink they have, maybe two or three, then order a beer and slide outside to smoke afterwards. When she gets home she cracks open a bottle of wine and continues until the bottle is gone and maybe open another. If I ask her not to, it leads to lots of drama and an argument about her being an adult able to make her on decisions. If she could act like adult and understand when to stop we would have no problem, but the drinks lead to more drinks then the smoking which leads to the sleep apnea being worse with massive bouts of drunken snoring where she actually wakes up gagging and coughing. It's the absolute last thing she should be doing for her own health. She's in her mid-40's and not some college kid. She seems not to care that she is slowly killing herself. During one particularly bad night I video taped her and showed her and showed it the footage. She acted if she could care less and got mad that I made the video. I hoped she would see how she was struggling to breathe and it would scare some sense into her. It didn't.

I had a health scare a few years ago in which, because of stress, half my head became paralyzed. It had been a rough weekend where we had lost one of our animals, I had found out a relative was terminally ill and I had a ton of work that was giving me fits. I had been burning the candle at both ends and the middle for months. My health crashed that night. I awoke in the morning not knowing what had happened and scared to death that I had suffered a stroke. I was in a fragile state of mind. I went into the kitchen and told her something was drastically wrong and that I thought I had suffered a stroke. She started yelling at me that she hadn't had her coffee and she couldn't deal with it right then and stormed out. I was floored. I just went on in to work and did some online research. I had suffered from a case of Bell's palsy. I made a Doctor's appointment and went in that afternoon. He told me it was temporary condition, but I was probably going to lose some of the muscle function in my face and that probably my eyesight was going to be affected. To what extent he did not know. He told me to slow down, back off my workload and get some rest. I also needed daily massage on the muscles in my face to help the nerves reconnect properly. I asked her if she could please massage my face in the mornings and night as the doctor advised. She did it once, then acted like it was an major inconvenience when I asked her to do it again that evening. She looked at me and said "Can't you do it yourself?" It broke my heart. It was breaking point for me. I went to our camper crawled in and shed tears into the night. All I could think was what if I had suffered a stroke that left me incapacitated. How would she have treated me? That thought still haunts my dreams.

When my father had a heart valve replaced and was in critical condition she begrudgingly went to the hospital once during his two week stay. I dealt with the situation completely by myself. It was hell. I was so afraid of losing one of the people I cherished the most and yet she seemed oblivious to my pain. I understood there was no shoulder to lean on. I understood I was alone on that journey.

My Grandfather died last year. I had watched him deteriorate for years due to Alzhiemers. I had to be strong for my Mother as she was having a tough time dealing with his death. She was his main caretaker. it was very difficult. The morning of the funeral I got up to take a shower and take my parents to the funeral home. When I dropped by my house to pick the her up, she was still in bed and told me to go on without her. After the funeral I took my parents home and kept driving, ending up on the coast sitting on a beach coming apart at the seams. I drove home the next day resolved that I must change my life. She acted as if nothing had happened. My feelings for her drastically changed after that. Now I resent what she has done to my life.

As I type all this I'm realizing I've got some major demons I need to exorcise about this relationship. I feel like a fool for putting up with this so long. I feel used, under appreciated and just a "ways to a means" for her. She says she loves me, and in a sick twisted way I guess she does, just not that way I need her to. After reading this it sounds like I'm making her out to be a monster. I'm trying not to, but it's her "selfishness" and being so self centered I can't deal with. Am I wrong for feeling this way? God, I feel like a fool.

June 9, 2009
6:57 pm
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changeisgood
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Thank you all for your supportive comments. I have feeling I'm going to need all the support I can muster in the coming weeks.

June 10, 2009
10:12 am
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hi, i love your name, change IS good. and you deserve it. i think anything is better than your current situation. you need support, you can vent here. you're also going to need some professional support, and friends and family to stand by you. i feel that your mind is all made up, and i admire the way you have analyzed your situation. truly you are a businessman, who can assess difficult situations.

the difficult part is always her. but you can't change that. so let's focus on you, build up your strength, build up your sense of peace, make a decision that nothing she will say or do, scream or not, drama or wild drama, should disturb your sense of self anymore. you are very right in saying, this time, it's about you, and saving your sanity, and getting your SELF back.

i hope we can be of any encouragement to you, you can freely vent here, nobody would know 🙂

i wish u peace most of all.

June 10, 2009
10:55 am
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atalose
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I love your name as well, it speak volumes. This is a great place for support especially when doing something as healthy as ending an un-healthy relationship.

As hard as it is, try and just focus on you and you getting out of this, never mind what the friends will say. You can always go back after the explosion and clean up the mess. In the beginning of my divorce I also focused on what our friends would say, neighbors, etc. etc. it really was a big waist of my time and energy, it also took the focus off me and what I needed for myself.

When do you plan on telling her?

Hang in there better days are coming……..there is always calm after the storm. And it seems you are doing all the correct things, attorney, etc, to prepare yourself, that’s great, good for you.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 10, 2009
12:25 pm
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changeisgood
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It will be a month or two at best before I tell her. I have many details to wrap up legally. I also want to take a 2 week vacation by myself so I can get some down time before the storm.

I have Zen master/teacher that I have been talking to and he is going to be my anchor during the break up. He is a wonderful teacher and I expect he will be a wonderful counselor through this also.

I'm not concerned about my friends or business as I go through this process. I do know both will be there after the storm passes. The people who will think less of me, don't really know the real situation. If they still think less of me after the break up, they weren't friends I should strive to keep anyway.

I'm preparing for this mentally and know that I will be fine. I'm not one prone to bouts of anxiety or depression I'm just tired and need to vent some. I have a great deal of anger and frustration to deal with. I feel drained, but determined to make this change

Thanks again for the support.

June 11, 2009
2:13 am
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fantas
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((((Changeisgood)))),

I love your name as well. Be okay with the anger, it will help you do what you need to do to straighten your life, this time. I think all those hurtful incidents including the Bell Palsy, were all exit points for you but you weren't ready. You know what? That's okay too. You needed to learn things about yourself that you hadn't learned. I'm so glad you are working with a Buddhist monk, they really know how to put these types of situation into positive perspective.

Your wife is obviously emotionally unstable and an alcoholic as well. Telling her to stop wont work with her. Even she can't just stop if she wanted to. She needs professional help and a lot of support but that's her issue to deal with. She was also right when she said she was grown and could do whatever she wanted. She just doesn't need to so it as your wife. It might make your healing easier if you understand that normal, healthy, compassionate, emotionally stable people do not act this way. She is not a well woman and I think you have given her your share of compassion. It's time to direct that compassion towards yourself. It's great you are planning on taking a vacation.

I also, engaged in relationships with people who cared little about me, abusive, self-centered, and addicts. It wasn't until I was being rushed to surgery by my ex, as he whined and demanded that I not throw up in his car,that I had a moment of clarity. I knew there and then that I would never again put myself in that situation. I remember praying in my haze that if I was delivered out of this situation a live, I would never date again until I figured out why I got myself in that situation in the first place. I know the sadness if being deathly ill while the person on your life is busy thinking about themselves. My ex was telling me how he did think he could deal with this kind of a relationship while I was on the gurney all prepped for surgery and waiting for an operation room to open.

Took about 2 months before I left him, he did one heck of a smear campaign on me, stalked me, and all sorts of things, but I never looked back. All I had to do was remember that ride to the hospital and his behavior at the hospital and I got energized to keep moving. I am at a completely different place now. I no longer judge myself. Even the anger towards him is gone. It wasn't carrying around. I dug deeper and dealt with wounds from my past, still dealing. All in all, I would never again stay in an uncomfortable relationship for a day. But it took over 30 years of mistreatment by family, friends, partners, etc. to figure that one out. Basically almost my whole life.

So you are doing well! Hang in there. Keep working. Look up books on codependency: Codependent no more, is a great one, consider attending Alanon, these folks have lived with alcoholics and know how to make peace with themselves and detach from the addict with love.

Keep posting!!!

June 11, 2009
5:50 pm
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hi,
(changeisgood),, first thing is that i wanted to correct an earlier post that said "your wife" when you said you never married her... 🙂
anyway,,, i really dont understand why you didnt leave Yearrrrs ago.. i guess there were reasons.. She is taking extreme advantage of you and your kindness, you sound like an extremely kind and loving, and intelligent person,, you deserve much better! im glad you decided to get out.. maybe it wont be too bad.. if i wasnt married and didnt have my son.. i wouldve been gone a while ago...it is good that you said you are going to take a vacation by yourself.. (wish i could 🙂 )
i hope she doesnt cause you too much drama etc.. she sounds like a very selfish person...
i couldnt get over some of the ways she has treated you..
you are too good for that...
i am in a mixed up situation with my marriage,,, (i have a 2 year old boy)..if you want you can read 'just thoughts' thread.. on my sit..
but you are making the right decision.. Hugs..Keep posting!

June 17, 2009
11:18 am
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hey, change! how have you been? how's it going? wishing you well.

take care!

June 17, 2009
11:41 am
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atalose
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Change,

I think having an exit plan is so smart it’s a good way to gain control over those emotions as well.

Hope all is going as best as it possible can for you today.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 17, 2009
12:13 pm
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Sunshine,
you beat me,, i was thinking i need to write on here and see if changeisgood is doing ok..
I hope he writes soon..
wonder how he is doing..
CIG.. hope you are ok..

June 18, 2009
9:22 am
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Not so good. Trying to keep my emotions in check, but finding it difficult. She was in a "mood" last night. I found it difficult not to get up and just walk out. I managed to get through the evening without losing it. I did not sleep well and was in the office very early this morning. Once again escaping into my work.

First attorney meeting in early next week. Maybe once I have had the first consultation I will feel better about what is to come. Right now, I just want it over so I can move on.

I cancelled a vacation I had planned for us in January. It was a first step. Now it's just making through each day and taking it step by step until I know I can make the break and have my butt covered.

Thanks for your support.

June 18, 2009
10:12 am
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Changeisgood,

I'm reading your post today because I need to see other people climbing out of where they are to other places.

I see some of myself in your partner. I only work part-time and have so much that I haven't dealt with mentally that I can be very moody with my partner. I've blamed him for much of my behavior.

Thanks for sharing.

June 18, 2009
11:50 am
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hi change, good to hear from u again. all the best with the meeting with the attorney next week. all of us knows that it's not gonna be easy. way to go in keeping your emotions in check!

June 18, 2009
1:16 pm
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I was in a realtionship for 12 years with someone that really had no regard for me. If finally made a break for it and it is the best thing I ever did.

What took me a long time to figure out was that I was codependent. Look for a book called codependent no more.. its a real eye opener . From what you have said you fit the same profile as I.

At the end of the day you can only control you and look after you. Once you do that the acring for others kicks in.

But she is like my ex and will continue to drain you . My ex was also well liked by others and that only adds to the exsaperation.

Do what you need to do to have YOU survive this legal and otherwise. I suggest talking to a counsellor to deal with the fall out form this. I fought the counsellor thing for a long time. But finally realized I hadn't figured this out in twelve years so what makes me think I can do it now. I felt it a failure on my part, but in fact it is the strongest move you can make.

Good luck,

FF

June 18, 2009
1:19 pm
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Thanks to oliviamonica in another thread here is that book

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