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Thumkin, I was finally honest about it with myself....
September 20, 2006
10:15 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I finally admitted today for the first time the truth behind why I had my tubes tied. I did it so I couldn't ruin the life of another child. I knew when I did it that it would destroy me, I knew that it would. But I feel like such a crappy mom and wife that I had to stop it somewhere. I couldn't go through having any more babies that I felt like I wouldn't raise and love ina healthy manner, and it is destroying me. I just didn't want to hurt anyone else. I did it with the best intentions. All the meds that I am on are not really helping much. They put me on 50mg of Zoloft, 300mg of wellbutrin and xanax for when it is necessary. Which is a lot lately. It was not my husband that I admitted this too, but I finally told someone.

September 21, 2006
3:16 pm
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thumkin
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September 27, 2010
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Oh Scared - I am so sorry for what you are going through. Please dont lose hope. I am not your doctor or a doctor at all but if you are not feeling any better you might want to discuss changing your meds with your doctor. I was a mental health counselor and I did not care too much for a couple of the meds you are taking right now. With that said please also go to see a counselor. You can start feeling better. I dont believe that you are a bad mother. We all have things in ourselves that we need to improve upon. A counselor can help direct you in setting goals and feeling better. I am hurting for you and I know you probably dont feel like doing anything but the best thing you can do right now is take care of you and that seems like what you are wanting. AND that right there shows that you are not a bad mother.

September 21, 2006
3:24 pm
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Rasputin
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SM - I believe what you did is Admirable. Our world is filled with abuse and many of us have bee mistreated and had to undergo so much pain and dysfunction due to our abusive dysfunctional family or origin who injested so much toxins in our system.

I am so glad I am still withOUT kids coz I come from very abusive family. The last thing I wanna do is abuse someone, esp innocent sweet kids. I'd rather die than abuse kids!

My sister had her tubes closed/tied ight after delivering her 3rd child and she did not regret it. She got married early and completed her family and did not want to be on the pill any more. However, her PMS started to be painful right after this operation.

I believe SM that what you're done is VERY WISE considering the atmosphere of this worldl we live in.

(((SM)))

September 21, 2006
3:31 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Ras,

I am glad that you feel like what I did was a good thing. I know in my head that it was.

However, the thread What is more selfish, is the other one that I started last night, and I am a mess. Having my tubes tied was smart in one aspect, because I can't ruin any more kids, but I hate myself for doing it.

Thumkin,

Can I ask which meds you don't like? I have taken all but the xanax before. The Wellbutrin was probably the most helpful in the past, as was the zoloft at one point. However, my life was not near as difficult as it was then, and I never took them together. Now, I am taking them together, and it isn't doing a thing for me. The xanax is nice, but the only thing that it does is allow me to sleep and forget about what is bothering me. It doesn't help me to cope.

September 21, 2006
4:42 pm
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thumkin
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I HATE Xanax. Because it doesnt help you to feel better. It makes people zombie like. I am not crazy about wellbutrin but cannot put my finger on why. Effexor, lexapro are both good, clonzopam or clonopin are good however they are highly addictive so I dont care for it much for that reason. If the counselor you have seen has not helped see a different one. You love your children!!! that is the first thing on the list of the wonderful things about you. Can you do this with me? I know it sounds corny and it is hard but lets make a list of the wonderful things about you. Yes it is easier to list the bad but lets just start with the good.

I just read your other thread and whether its selfish or not is a moot point. But I have worked crisis hotlines before and everyone I have worked with has always told me when they were feeling better that none of them truly wanted to die, the pain they were feeling was just SO horrid they could find no other escape from it. BUT everyone of them were also so very thankful that they found the help they needed and were still alive.

Have you considered checking into some place where you can get the counseling and concentration that you need right now? Maybe if you had a little time with out everything else you have to do you would be able to find a way to ease some of your pain and when you went home you would be better able to cope?

September 21, 2006
7:24 pm
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taj64
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September 30, 2010
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Hi. Don't be so hard on yourself. It is that low self esteem talking. Bet anything you are not as bad as you make it out to be. Ive like you a lot since you have been on the site. You have a lot going for you. Maybe you have too much going on right now and hormones etc, are too overwhelming for you. Give yourself a break from the self beating. You do not give yourself enough credit. I hope the medicines work for you.

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