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thoughts on my impending divorce
August 15, 2007
1:30 pm
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jastypes
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This is hard. It's my decision, and it's still hard. I don't feel happy or satisfied or proud of myself. I feel depressed and anxious. I feel like I'm tearing my family apart. It doesn't matter that he's an addict or that he's had an emotional affair. It doesn't matter that he's a racist. It doesn't matter that I don't like him. It doesn't matter that I hate being home when he's there. It doesn't matter that every time he speaks, my blood pressure rises. I still feel like the scum of the earth for ending my marriage. Even though it's been bad from day one. Even though I feel no love and have no respect for my husband. Even though I have rarely gotten my needs met in this relationship. I don't know why I thought it would be easy and fun and that I'd be relieved. Maybe that comes later, after he's gone, after the children and I have moved. Trying to sell the house, find an apartment, file the divorce papers, explain everything to the children, place our pets -- all while living on no food because of the gastric bypass -- is quite challenging.

Thanks for listening.

August 15, 2007
2:42 pm
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SadMike
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(((jas)))

Yes, I felt similarly when I filed for my divorce. I had no children with which to worry about in the marriage, but I had all those feelings.

She didn't just have emotional affairs, but real affairs. She left me several times and I had just had enough of her. I didn't get my needs met either (or rarely). She didn't love me like a wife should love her husband; I loved her like a husband should.

I will tell you that after it's all finished and some time passes, you will feel differently and will look back on these times and wonder how you made it through it and be very thankful you made that decision.

Bravery doesn't mean you don't feel hurt, lost, scared and alone. Bravery means you do what you know you need to do in spite of your feelings; you are a very brave woman and will accomplish much in your life.

Be strong even when you feel like you can't be strong anymore and you will succeed.

August 15, 2007
2:53 pm
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CAMER
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this is a huge change in your life Jas, you could be thinking deep in your mind of the "dream that could have been" and now how the marriage is ending. It is a hard thing to go thru, its a long road, but just know you are doing this for the right reasons. Just take this slow, one day at a time, one step at a time and know in the end, life will be better for you.

August 15, 2007
3:01 pm
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Rilin
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September 24, 2010
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I go through what your saying. My feelings don't matter how dare i want something to, I become emotionally bankrupt, giving what i dont have, and trying to borrow what i need to get through the day, no deposit no return huh? Im over it WE DO MATTER WE DESERVE TO BE HAPPY TOO, I pray serenity over you. I encourage a divorce support group or a coda group find something you feel comfortable with. GOD BLESS

August 15, 2007
3:38 pm
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doubleloss
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i'm going through that too, i think it's normal tofeel like that. nevertheless it feels horrible. hang in there

August 15, 2007
4:56 pm
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_anonymous
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jas - Take the pain. The process of leaving and grieving is emotionally devastating and lengthy. Get therapy to help. Join a support group to reinforce the fact that you are not alone in this. You are not a victim in this situation, you were targeted. Dont expect other people to understand what you have been coping with. Without having their own experiences with disordered partners, they cannot fully understand and they wont be able to offer the emotional support you need at this time. You will be disappointed if you expect their emotional support. Your emotions will be on a roller coaster. We have many times when we doubt ourselves, & question the reality. You can expect good and bad days. Obsessive thinking,thoughts of revenge & justice. When you are angry we punch a pillow. Keep a journal, its wonderful therapy. Surround yourself with normal people. You need to be firm with yourself too. You need to ditch that "if only" or need-for-closure thinking that keeps us hooked wanting to see what's happening in thier lives. You need to accept the necessity to detach & be strong to resist the urge to reconnect with them. Time is our best friend. If you do reconnect with this abuser, treat it as a learning opportunity. Be easy on yourself. Enjoy the small treats life has to offer. You deserve it. Continued contact with any abuser is dysfunctional behaviour and professonal therapy is needed.

August 15, 2007
5:40 pm
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soofoo
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It's normal to have a wide range of feelings while going through a divorce. You may also at some point have the feelings of relief you were expecting. When I went through my divorce I ws sometimes devastated and miserable and sometimes elated and these feelings would change and change. It is emotonally complicated. It is a sort of death inside. It is necessary to go through this death to bring new life.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel. Hang in there!

August 16, 2007
1:00 am
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az_gilbert
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September 24, 2010
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Divorce is a terrible time. My wife of 27 years sprung the news on me a year ago. I was, and still am, devistated. I've been in therapy for a year. It has helped regain some measure of functionality, but I am still in deep emotional pain.

She finally moved out about 5 moths ago (today). Combined with losing my job 8 weeks ago(RIF) and substance abuse issues with a grown child, the burden is almost overwhelming at times.

I love this woman a great deal. Her pronouncement was a wakeup call for me to re-evaluate my life and I discovered many things. I have actively worked on changing many of the things that I discovered that I did not like. The most fundamental discovery was just how much she, and our previously poor marriage, meant to me at the root of my being.

However, she has now cut off all communication. The last communique was her final statement that she would not attend any joint meetings with our psychologist and that she wanted to end the marriage.

I am sending her a simple apology and my hopes for her future happiness, an email that she may or may not read. One to which I expect no reply.

Lacking any further hope of reconnection, my last gesture of love is to make her release from me as painless as possible. I have initiated the dreaded paperwork and, despite how much I disagree, no matter how painful this is to me, I will give her the final choice. It has been a brutal last week as I worked on this. Working on something that I absolutely hate and abhore, has taken a huge emotional and physical toll on me. She can never know of this, but I have to do it. It seems perverse, but the only way I can demonstrate my love is to consider her feelings first and make this as easy as possible for her.

I wish the best for you in your situation.

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