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thought the problem was me, now i don't know what to think
January 27, 2005
12:57 am
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yeti
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Hello, i'm new to the idea of co-dependance. In fact, today is the first time i've ever read the definition, and it came as quite a shock.

I'm only 18 and i've been going out with a girl for almost 2 years now, and since about last year it seems to have gone only down hill. I'm not sure if this behaviour is common to amny other people, but this is basically what's been happening.

She will look bored or disinterested in me, which will mean that i will a) lose the confidence to be able to try anything physical like a kiss or a hug, under the assumption she doesn't want it from me at that time and b) become convinced that i'm no fun. So, because i'm now under pressure to be fun and lively, i seize up, and feel like any fun i do have is forced. To make matters worse, her best friend (male) seems to be exactly what she wants in terms of someone fun to be with, and so they have a rip roaring time together while i stand there trying to think of something to say. I can't join in because i just don't find the jokes funny (usually racist, or fat jokes, or discriminatory jokes that are supposed to "friendly" somehow) and i can't open up myself in my own way because that was what she became bored and disinterested about in the first place. Since everyone seems to subscribe to their style of humour and their attitude it has felt like i've been the one with the problem. She doesn't even look at me sometimes, because she's too busy having a joke with her friend.

he has a girlfriend himself and i once asked my girlfrined if what she wanted was for us to be like them, and she said yes. So i naturally went ahead trying to make myself into that sort of person.

I guess the reason for this post is to find out if this is familiar to anyone? it's new for me to even be thinking of this as a problem, let alone something someone else has experienced.

January 27, 2005
1:18 am
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mamacinnamon
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Yeti,

First off, why want to be w/ someone so shallow that they have to make jokes of that nature. That's so childish and hurtful for others or the person being joked about to hear. I'm sorry; I hate that kind of behavior.

But, as for your question. I don't know about normalcy; I would think not. You should not have to be anybody but who you are. If that is not good enough for her then she is not good enough for you.

I know at 18 things are majorly important; but ask yourself this: Do you want to spend the rest of your life w/ a person like that? Answer that and you'll find your answer.

Glad you are here. Keep posting. There's lots of good folks here to give you support.

January 27, 2005
1:25 am
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woundedspirit
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Yeti, I think you must have things about you that your girlfriend really likes or she wouldnt be with you still after so long. Opposites do genuinely attract often. She sounds very different from you in the ways you mentioned. yet still you are attracted to her. Two years means that you are comfortable with each other enough to get bored sometimes and still want to be together. Does that make sense? Friends dont spend as much time together so the time they do spend together isnt typically enough to bring out issues and insecurities. Its ironic but often times our fear of certain things actually causes us to act in certain ways that make those fears reality. For example, if you fear she is bored with you and it makes you less intimate, that in turn could make her feel YOU are the bored one with her and actually is counterproductive. If, when you felt she was bored with you, instead maybe you kissed her passionately out of the blue...wouldnt that liven things up and surprise her? If you try to be like her friend and its not natural for you, then it wont be attractive to her but rather it will make you less YOU, which she obviously likes to begin with considering the fact that she is still with you for 2 years. Be yourself.

January 27, 2005
1:42 am
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DTEE
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Yeti....I am impressed that you are thinking about this at 18. I think what woundedspirit said is very true. The reason I am impressed that you are think of this at 18 is that I started thinking about this about 4 months ago and I am 37. I seize up in similar times that you described an have had alot of the same feelings you have. I don't think the problem is just you, but you need to see where you are responsible for the shortcomings in your relationship and change, fix whatever for the relationship to last. As said above she must have strong feelings for you because it has lasted 2 years. Own up to your shortcomings with her and communicate with her where you think she is responsible. I didn't do that in 2 failed marriages due to the seizing up and doing nothing about it. I hope this helps. But know that you are not alone.....PEACE

January 27, 2005
3:08 am
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yeti
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QUOTE: Do you want to spend the rest of your life w/ a person like that? Answer that and you'll find your answer.

well, if you're putting it that way, then no, i don't. I actually feel doubly abused by this sort of humour, a) because it's insulting and b) because i'm expected to submit to it and even enjoy the process.

QUOTE: Yeti, I think you must have things about you that your girlfriend really likes or she wouldnt be with you still after so long.

the amount of times i've told myself that the past year...i'd like to believe it. i really would. i have been believing it. there's just no evidence. I see your point about the fears becoming reality, perhaps that's why she doesn't pay much attention to me, and perhaps, therefore, that's why i don't feel like she even likes me. but she never laughs at my jokes, doesn't really listen to anything i want to talk about, doesn't ever call me, doesn't invite me over, seems to be lying to me to be able to not talk to me (her mobile phone will bizarrely fail to send the sms message to my phone whenever she "sends" one- this happens to no one else) and failed to buy me an anniversary present, a birthday present, and a christmas present last year.
that being said, her best male friend took me aside one day to emplore me to be more confident and make a move on her (such as passionately kiss her out of the blue) because, he said "she REALLY REALLY likes you)
what the &*^%$!!!!???

QUOTE: Own up to your shortcomings with her and communicate with her where you think she is responsible.

I had a very good conversation with her two nights ago, explaining why i was seizing up and that i don't want to, and am willing to learn how to be confident and happy and normal, but in order to do s she will need to start telling me the truth and being completely honest with me, so that i can have faith that i am not merely getting a "yes" response from her just so she doesn't offend me. so that if she is annoyed with me or how i am behaving, she will tell me, so, for example, i will know it's allright to kiss her out of the blue. that, really, is where i feel she is responsible, not communicating with me, to any degree, anything she is seeing or feeling.

maybe this is not the conversation i should have had, because the next day, we went out with her male friend, and i would be hard pressed to remember more than 3 times she EITHER looked at me or talked me.

i don't mean to react angrily or negatively to your posts, i appreciate the comments

January 27, 2005
3:11 am
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yeti
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my current feeling is there's nothing left. i should break up with her today

i see that it may be possible to fix it, if i really tried, but i don't know if it would be worth it. why save it, when most of the time together is spent with me wondering why she expects me to adhere to her code of conduct while totally disrespecting mine. i try to tell her about some new piece i've discoveed (i love music) and she responds as if i have a bizarre neurotic obsession. yet she then expects me to lighten up when her friend calls me a faggot because "it's only a joke"

January 27, 2005
8:59 am
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gazelle
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Yes, finish with her, Yeti. What I am hearing here is one reason after another why you should - as if you are trying to psych yourself up to end the relationship. All her behaviour that you quote sounds inconsiderate and insensitive, to put it mildly. I feel you know this. I feel that you don't actually LIKE or RESPECT this girl's character, deep down - or you wouldn't portray her as so shallow, selfish and unloving.
You seem like a very nice, sensitive young man, and you obviously have a conscience and also feel reluctant to give up on the relationship and the hopes & dreams for it that you may have had. But let's face it - you have been feeling uncomfortable about it for a long time now. You are not getting what you hoped for - and don't feel free to GIVE and be appreciated, either. Disappointed, let down, socially tense & self-conscious with no help from her. If she really cared for YOU (rather than for just the status of having a boyfriend) then she would ease your path in social situations. She would WANT to make eye contact, to watch out for how you are feeling, to smile at you, to show affection, to share happy thoughts, memories, friendly jokes etc, etc.

I feel you know all this, and want confirmation.
Perhaps, to ease your conscience, you could try asking her one last time how she feels about you. Then watch her response carefully.
But I feel you are perfectly justified in ending your pain in this non-relationship. Don't hang in there for fear of loneliness - you are already lonely IN the 'relationship'. After all, it should be about love, laughter, sharing things together, having fun, enjoying music and whatever else matters to you both, on mutual terms. It should make you feel GOOD, right?

Best of luck and many blessings as you move forward in strength & confidence to seek out what you really need and deserve.
You'll find it, please God!

Blessings - Dryad.

January 27, 2005
9:21 am
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CAMER
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this girl sounds very shallow, and for her to make fun of people...she does that to make herself feel better when deep down she is the one with low self esteem (bash others to make herself feel better) she shouldn't have to do that.

Sounds like you know what to do, and maybe this girl is not for you. YOu are young and should not have to change in anyway to her liking..be who you are and someone out there will love your traits and qualities..don't try to be someone you are not.

Best of luck, and glad you are finding out about coda at a young age, it'll help alot now and in your future dating years.

January 27, 2005
10:36 am
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yeti
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QUOTE: What I am hearing here is one reason after another why you should - as if you are trying to psych yourself up to end the relationship. All her behaviour that you quote sounds inconsiderate and insensitive, to put it mildly. I feel you know this. I feel that you don't actually LIKE or RESPECT this girl's character, deep down - or you wouldn't portray her as so shallow, selfish and unloving. You seem like a very nice, sensitive young man, and you obviously have a conscience and also feel reluctant to give up on the relationship and the hopes & dreams for it that you may have had. But let's face it - you have been feeling uncomfortable about it for a long time now. You are not getting what you hoped for - and don't feel free to GIVE and be appreciated, either. Disappointed, let down, socially tense & self-conscious with no help from her. If she really cared for YOU (rather than for just the status of having a boyfriend) then she would ease your path in social situations. She would WANT to make eye contact, to watch out for how you are feeling, to smile at you, to show affection, to share happy thoughts, memories, friendly jokes etc, etc.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so you know, before you posted this message i did break up with her. 22 months and 23 days. if i was having regrets a moment ago your message dispelled them. you have said what i have waited for someone to say for the past year and a half...and you couldn't have said it any more concisely and perfectly. you basically looked right into the core of my existence.

January 27, 2005
10:39 am
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yeti
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I'd just also like to thank coda and everyone who replied for helping me- that might sound strange but the fact that my behaviour actually had a name and everyone here talks so willingly and percetively about their problems was really the impetus for my decision today. Who knows wher ei would be without this catalyst?
you know, i have tried on FOUR previous occasions to break up with her, but backed out at the last minute. How long would i have continued to do that if i never learnt that it was a pattern and i was blaming myself for her problems and so on and so forth.
Thankyou everyone, you've set me free, both from her and from myself. I owe you all alot!

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