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thought I would share....rising
May 23, 2007
12:38 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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since I only post on a few different threads due to time constraints...I thought I would let everyone else know.

We are having a baby!!!

A few months ago we started talking about moving in together to HIS house. And put that into motion.

Then we decided to let nature take it's course and not worry about birth control (given the doc's warning about my increasing age).

Well, it worked first time out.

I am not sure that many of you even knew we were back together...but we are...and things have been as wonderful as I could hope for.

26 has really turned into the partner I needed him to be...wanted him to me.

All my prior grievances are gone...he has totally improved on all the things that bothered me.

He is so excited about the baby...has permagrin...he is doting and makes sure I am well taken care of.

It was a truly rocky start...but all the bugs seem to be worked out and we seem to be on a really good and happy path.

I am in the middle of packing my house up (again) and renovating the end of his house that went unused for so long. We spent all last weekend throwing out years and years of garbage his mom had saved up. Next year we will be doing the same to the main part of the house, plus an addition.

All of my dreams are coming true...I am in a good place.

May 23, 2007
12:48 pm
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Isis
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I'm so happy for you! It's been a long and bumpy road but you're most definitely in a good place now.

All of that hard work has paid off- and what a pay-off it is- a new baby and a bright future with a good man.

Life is good... for rising and company.

Isis

May 23, 2007
1:04 pm
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Rising,

Congratulations. I'm happy that your life is working out the way you want it to. You deserve to be happy and I'm glad you are...

The only warning I would give is that this all seems so very fast... almost like "life in fast forward". You were broken up at the beginning of April, which was only one month ago... meaning that... all within the span of 4 weeks... you went from being cheated on, having multiple relationship problems, breaking up, getting back together, being blissfully happy and NOW having a baby. Phew! Even MY head is spinning!!!! I know that it takes several weeks before you know you are pregnant so it seems as if the actual "deed" was done while you were both just getting your heads on straight in the relationship again??? A couple of weeks into it?

I don't mean to be a downer, Rising. REALLY, I don't! I just worry about things that either happen too fast or things that seem too good to be true... I worry about "burn out" and all that. I know... I'm a Negative Nelly sometimes.

I'd say to take things slow... but, Oops! Too late for that! I'm kidding... just be careful, ok?

I wish you all the best.

(((((((Rising and baby)))))))))

TC

May 23, 2007
1:31 pm
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congratulations rising! 🙂

that is truly wonderful news.. 🙂

i must admit, i wish i could have another... in fact, if it were to 'happen' i would welcome it! (i just turned 42 so i won't try).. 😉

u mention u're age, just please be careful.. i miscarried at age 40 and heard that it was more common as u get older..

take GOOD CARE OF U'S!! 🙂

May 23, 2007
1:33 pm
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taj64
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Im happy for you but yes I agree with TC. I remember you from the early days and when the BF was in his glory so were you, you were on cloud 9 too. But now you have a baby here. I always see it as a red flag that things go too fast. A baby is often a disguise. It smooths over and the focus is taken off whatever the problems were. Id be careful. And if all this getting your wish to be a family, make sure you get married. Don't be fooled by the lets wait until the baby comes. Then that is sure sign that someone is not 100 percent sure about getting married. Im sure he is good good but a month of total bliss isnt always the best indicator of the future. Just be careful because of your tendency to be happy when the guy is happy. On the other hand, Im cheering you on that you will get a second chance to have a baby. Only time will tell and hopefully you will indeed prove otherwise. These things can work out too.

May 23, 2007
1:39 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Rising,

Best of luck to you. AND congrats on your new baby. That is wonderful. I am sure that your life will be greatly blessed....and if there is one thing I know in my heart...that baby will be blessed to have YOU for a mommy. You are a wonderful woman. Congrats to you.

Love, Mich

(((rising & baby)))

May 23, 2007
2:03 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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tc and taj.

Here is the thing...not that it really matters, cuz I know it in my heart...but I feel the need to share.

This FEELS different.

I know about my cloud nine...I know about my past track record...I know about honeymoon periods...I know about cheaters repeating things.

Been there, done that.

All I can say is that this is TRULY different and things improve on a daily basis...well, not improve...but grow...mature...that sort of thing. His behaviour is soooo different than before....in thousands of ways.

Actions speak volumes...and his actions to date have really shown how committed he is to all of this.

marriage - we know it will happen.

but right now...it's not a priority.

his exact words - I was married the moment I saw the two pink lines....and....I wouldn't be moving her into my home if I wasn't committed.

I don't think the baby is glossing things over...it's just the next step in our minds.

I have no fears about this one...I really don't...and this is coming from someone who lived on fear...day in and day out.

I appreciate your concern...under the circumstances, it is normal. Time will tell if i made the right choice.

May 23, 2007
2:35 pm
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Time is the best answer. I don't think either of us trying to rain on your parade. You deserve to be where you are at. Just us wonderers out there wonder how things can change so quickly and drastically. It seems like a rush job to the outside. And actions while good only a month. Guys don't change overnight. And he is grateful that you took him back. I just wonder why you would plan this step this way just after only a month? Im a single mom myself. I would make the marriage a priority. I did wait until after the kids were born because I was not 100 percent sure. It sends a red flag that it is not a priority. Why is that? Why wait? I do see red flags with that. I see you overlooking. Not a naysayer at all.Im really happy for you that things are going well but from experience it is red flag when people say it is not a priority. You deserved to be married as husband and wife to be called the wife as you have your baby. I think you value family life, this is what you want, you deserve to have a husband, not just the father of the baby with you. Just wanted to get you to think, you deserve the WHOLE package, this is what you desire. And I think that baby would want that also and later down the road he or she would appreciate that. I hope you do think about getting married. It is good concept, not to put off if it truly is good and there is no fear. Good luck with the baby!

May 23, 2007
2:40 pm
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rising...I am so HAPPY for you! This is wonderful news....you are definitely "rising from the ashes"! 🙂

May 23, 2007
2:49 pm
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Rising,

I have to say that I agree with Taj. I've been very afraid to say something because I fear coming across as a nasty, negative person. I am neither of those things. I think I am more realistic than anything.

While I totally believe that 26 is changing and growing... I have to say that you used the EXACT same words when you got back together the 2nd time...right before he cheated on you... you said "It just FEELS different. It FEELS right." I'm sure it does. I'm sure it feels wonderful... as it did then.

I needed to get myself straight on the timeline, so I went back on old threads. You found out he cheated and you broke up the first week of April. As of April 7th, you were still not back together... so say, you got back together on April 9th... that was 6 weeks ago... and you are saying that you are NOW in your 6th week of pregnancy.

That means you got pregnant the week you got back together? Am I missing something here?

I'm not trying to cause trouble, I just don't want you living in a dream. I want you to stay grounded in reality... while it's completely normal to be floating in the clouds when you are in love and expecting a baby... I worry about the speed in which it all transpired.

I hope it all works out for your sake, the sake of your daughter and the sake of your new baby.

TC

May 23, 2007
3:01 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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ok...I am not sure of the timeline, cuz it FEELS like we have been back on this track for a while.

My last period was april 18th...I got pregnant the first week of may.

They CALL it sixth week...because they count back from your last period.

Sorry for the confusion. I have techincally only been pregnant for a couple of weeks.

We got back together a day or so after the roses...I really don't know what day that was.

We have only broken up twice...once in January, then again when he cheated. In January, we were apart for three - four weeks, in end of March, it was five days.

As far as me saying it feels different...this time I say it because hindsight is 20/20. Looking back...when we got back together in Feb....after our first breakup, while he was truck driving...we just fell back into old patterns...but he said from the start "one day at a time, I can't promise anything"...and there was still issues in the bedroom and still issues with him not communicating and still issues with him sharing his thoughts...still issues with his being uptight and depressed.

I went into it with a "one day at a time" thought and tried to make the best of it. And when he started acting weird (when he was cheating), I felt like he was getting cold feet and gave him some space.

Now that he is back...he is communicating, the sex issues have almost resolved, the depression is gone, the commitment is there, his finances are resolved, he shares his thoughts, he acts like he is in a partnership...he talks of the future in terms of we, not me....he asks my opinions on things instead of saying "I'm gonna do xyz"..without consulting me.

As I said, the biggest FEELING that makes all the difference now is that the FEAR is GONE. for the FIRST time in any relationship...I have no fears.

And every other time...with him, with my ex, with my ex-ex....when we got back together...there were still lingering fears that I was doing the wrong thing.

I don't feel that now.

And it's not because of the baby...I CHOSE the baby BECAUSE the fear was gone.

And when I look into his eyes, I don't see HIS fear anymore...and it was there before.

I don't think you are trying to rain on my parade...being realistic is fine...we all need a dose of it.

I trust that this will all work out...and for all the people who may doubt...only time will tell.

May 23, 2007
3:03 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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oh, about the marriage.

it is ME that is saying it's not a priority.

we have looked at rings...we have talked about it.

BUT

26 is not in the financial position to drop the money on a ring....or a wedding.

Right now his priority is making his home liveable for us to move in, and then saving for the baby.

Once he has that in place...I am SURE we will get married.

May 23, 2007
3:13 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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and yes, we put the cart before the horse...mostly because I was worried that if we waited to long for baby, I would not be able to have one.

To me, having one more child is more important than a ring on my finger.

May 23, 2007
3:51 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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timelines....

met in August...I moved here in October.

We dated until late January...and broke up - he was driving truck and too much stress.

Got back together Feb. 24th.

By March 19th, things were going downhill. On March 31st, I found out he was seeing someone else.

On April 5th I got roses and an apology and we got back together.

On May 1st (about), I got pregnant.

The difference..then and now.

I went back and read my posts on the other side...and tho things started off with a bang in Feb., they quickly went downhill within less than a month.

Now, it was a month into this...and things have only steadily improved...evolving each day.

You are right...this is very soon to be thinking baby. I really didn't realize the timeline when we were talking about it...and mostly because it's been so good, for a while...that the past issues really seemed to just fade. I was not and am not wallowing in what did happen. I have forgiven and moved on.

In the past, I did not forgive and move on...it was always there...always nagging at us.

So yeah, it is sudden...more sudden than I realized...but nothing to be done about it now...except enjoy it and keep it going in the right direction.

Also - not getting "defensive" in any of this...I really didn't realize how "soon" it was...and your posts prompted me to explore what really happened.

May 23, 2007
3:52 pm
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True confession: Back in December, I began dating the man I married Jan. 14th. Some "red flags" cropped up when I began dating him. I stepped back from him. Everyone here at AAC supported that decision. Then, I resumed seeing him, (again, ignoring more "red flags") and married him. When his mask came off and the abuse began, I wound up leaving him 11 weeks after the wedding.

I denied seeing the "red flags," until SDesigns confronted me. BLESS HER. I am so glad she did. She forced me to face the Truth: that I had seen (and shared with all of you) ALOT of red flags, but chose to get swept up in the excitement of being loved, wanted and married. I went back and read my own postings and faced myself. It was hard as hell.

You are in a similar position now. Let me share from the heart that I beieve you will be a fabulous mother. I, too, deliberately chose to get pregnant when I was 35, before getting married. I have never regretted that pregnancy, although I did live to regret my relationship (which ended in marriage) with his father. He was a liar, a substance abuser and -- ultimately -- unfaithful to me. So, hold onto that baby with all of your heart, but don't set your hopes on this guy working out. Your history with him this year has been unstable. For your sake, it would be great if he did a 180 and became all that you need him to be. But be prepared for the possibility that he may let you down. Don't let it devastate you. You have come so far and been such a rock to so many of us here...myself, included.

Love,

Ma Strong

May 23, 2007
3:59 pm
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Thanks for clarification on the dates, Rising. I remember now that saying "six weeks pregnant" is not actually being pregnant for six weeks. How soon we forget, huh???

Anyway, I'm glad that things are going well for you... and I totally understand about waiting for the wedding. I think I'd probably wait too. As long as the commitment was there, I wouldn't feel the rush to have the piece of paper...

O.K. Gotta run.

TC

May 23, 2007
4:03 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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hey ma...at the back of my mind...WAY BACK....I realize the possibility.

And I have to say that I am comfortable with my decision to get pregnant now...even if we don't end up together forever.

I am in a good career and financially, I will be paid in full on all my debt by time baby arrives.

So, from a financial standpoint, a baby will not be a burden that my first daughter was...who was born when I didn't have a car, a job or a home.

Did you live with your husband before marriage? I know you were not having sex with him at the time.

I AM living every single day, and work with him every single day. So, if there IS a mask...he is really good at keeping it on.

I am moving into HIS house soon. I don't think things will change then either.

But if it does...it's not the end of the world...and there are MANY places I can go to...and still keep my good paying job...and maybe even buy a house...cuz my bills will be paid off.

My decision to get pregnant now was calculated...it wasn't something I chose that moment, that day.

I have stopped using birth control many times in the past with my exes...PRAYING that I get pregnant...and it never happened.

Thank God for unanswered prayers.

This time, after doc said I should consider having baby sooner than later...I/we decided to stop using birth control and let God decide. It happened first time out.

I spent six years trying with the others.

Things happen for a reason...and I think this is meant to be...either with or without him.

I truly thought he would chicken out once the test was positive...but he went about handing out cigars at work and telling everyone we meet.

We had a rocky start...there are red flags...I am aware of them. Only time will tell.

May 23, 2007
4:53 pm
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Dearest Rising -

Good questions: No. I did not live with my husband before the wedding, nor did we have sex. As a minister, that was taboo for me. I did, however, live with my oldest son's father before getting pregnant and -- eventually -- married.t (That was LONG before I became a minister!!)

I enjoyed living with him. He was very good to me...until the baby was about 1-1/2 years old. Then, he began to mistreat me. I never saw it coming and it broke my heart at the time. (Heck...I was young...only in my late thirties.)

You are such a wise, good-hearted and gutsy woman. I believe that you will come out on top of this situation, no matter which way the wind blows. You want this child...LUCKY BABY!! So many of us were never wanted. And you are financially prepared to provide for him/her. I applaud you. And I am sincerely hoping that things work out between you and your baby's father. It helps so much to have the loving support of a husband, while going through early motherhood, as I'm sure most of us can attest.

Love and HUGS to that precious little one...

Ma Strong

May 23, 2007
5:07 pm
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Hi Rising,

Being the big chicken that I am...I have refrained from posting on this thread because I didn't want to be the "wet blanket". However, now that others have been brave enough to voice there opinions, I have to agree with them.

I too wish you the best of luck with this situation and I hope that things work out the way you'd like them too....just please be careful.

Bringing a baby into this world is hard enough without the extra "baggage" that goes with this relationship. Make sure that you set yourself up so if he does resort to old behaviors....you won't be stuck in a situation you can't get out of.

I don't mean to sound cynical but....it felt very different with Snow this last time around as well and we know how that turned out.

Just please be careful.....and name the baby after me 🙂

Your friend,
Lolli

May 23, 2007
5:14 pm
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lollipop3
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I just wanted to add one more thing.....

One lesson that I have learned (or at least hope I have learned) is that when many people say the same thing....it is worth looking at.

My point in saying that is, with the exception of you and 26, it seems most people that you have told have shown some reservations about the pregnancy, given your relationship's history, the short amount of time you've known him and how fast you decided to get pregnant after his infidelity.

Just try to stay grounded and take care of yourself and your daughter and your baby.

Ok, I'm done now. No more lecturing.

May 23, 2007
5:49 pm
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Ah, Lolli, you always have something perfect to share....this is how I feel about any situation. Escape hatches are good. Don't WANT to use them, but it's comforting to know they're there.

"Make sure that you set yourself up so if he does resort to old behaviors....you won't be stuck in a situation you can't get out of."

Similarly, my ex-ex-ex used to travel a lot with girlfriends and said that no woman should travel anywhere with a man (boyfriend) if she can't afford to pick up and leave him wherever they are, and buy a ticket home.

I'm a little superstitious, (hello? I'm Irish and Welsh!) so I frequently feel that if I prepare for the worst, it won't happen. Seldom does, actually.

Good words, all!

H.

May 23, 2007
5:52 pm
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Ooh rising im so happy for you

I dont really know you very well, but from what I have seen on the threads, I always thought you were very wise with the brilliant feedback you gave people. Unbelievabley wise to everyone elses problems.

I cannot give you any advise really, cause I do not know you fully.

I am happy for you emotionally, and in every way. I know you will be strong enough emotionally, cause you have the support of coda, and these threads.

But lets look at the reality please:

Are you able to protect yourself financially when this child is born. If for some reason you did split up, (which im sure will not happen), please make sure you protect yourself financially, if not for your sake, but for the new child. Is he able to pay maintenance, if you do separate. I dont know whether you own your own home or what, but please make sure that joint accounts, etc are sorted outed out and you are protected, etc.

Please please make sure that if anything happens you and your child will be looked after financially, if you should separate. Will a contract be drawn up?

And the question I have to ask you, is. If you did separate, are you happy to look after two children by yourself or is he prepared to take some responsibility in bringing the child up.

I dont mean to sound negative, but I do believe you have to be realistic that if things do not work out, you have some sort of contractual agreement about bringing the child up, and maintenance payments.

Now apart from this, go out there and enjoy yourself, and enjoy what you have

Lol.xxx

May 23, 2007
6:31 pm
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(((((Rising))))) Just popping in to share the love:) Best of luck to you and "Baby Ash":)

May 23, 2007
11:42 pm
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Hi Rising~ Its been awhile since I've posted to you...I think of you (Ma & FeelingFree too) on occasion… curious as to where each of us are today after the many, many posts of tears, laughter, frustrations, insights, and light bulb moments we shared together on the NC thread. I’ve always hoped that ALL of us would have success stories regarding any new men (or in the case of FF- her X husband) that would find their way into our lives and not a repeat of anything close that got us on the NC thread.

After your NC days I remember your first posts regarding 26 and how much thought you put into wanting to do things right and different than you had previously in the start of new relationships. And from memory here, I recall that you did well in that department as best as you knew how. I have always admired your honesty, sometimes frankness when needed, and above all your deep desire for personal growth. (Also thinking of threads you’ve had regarding your daughter and the desire to be a good mom- which I have no doubt that you are an excellent, loving mother).

Congrats Rising on the news of a baby being added to your family. Please continue to look toward the future with happiness and hope for all 4 of you (baby included in there!).

Question for you since I haven’t chatted with you like forever... its kinda of unrelated to the above topic…..and I guess kinda related…but whatever, I am really curious…

Now I crossed paths with you almost a year ago…how much do you feel that your life in general and ‘you’ have changed in this last year in positive growth ways? What’s different in you today than say a year ago? The reason I asked is reading you during these past months- one thing that has always stood out for me is your desire for growth- your desire to get it right…something I can relate to.

LL

May 23, 2007
11:45 pm
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Rising,

First of all, congratulations!!

I also must echo some of the voices of concern on here. Hope for the best but prepare for anything. I would give this advice to anyone so this isn't aimed just at you. None of us ever knows what the future holds for our relationships. Life is such a gamble. Even those who are totally certain that their's will last forever, should also be prepared for the worst. Hang onto your job. If you do quit for awhile, keep your skills sharp and up to date so you can re-enter the workforce at any time. Even if your marriage works out, you never know when you may become the sole support of the family. Prepare now for your future retirement because it will get here before you know it. Always have a safety net, a cushion of money for when you really need it. Always live well below your means and save for the rainy days. They are inevitable in life. Whether 26 stays with you or not, you will always feel more confident and sure of yourself if you don't become dependent on anyone other than yourself. Don't ever become financially dependent on a man. I'm just trying to prevent you from making the same mistakes I did. Hindsight is 20/20. Just continue living as if you were still single and all will be well. (((rising)))

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