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This will be long.....
September 19, 2005
10:17 pm
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wornout1
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I am so confused and don't know what's the right thing to do anymore. I don't know if I should feel bad for hubby and support him, or just let him go, like he eants to. I know that if he doesn't want help, he won't accept it. It's pointless to even try. But I hate the thought of him going down. He's the father of my children for crying out loud. He admitted to me today that he's been steadily getting worse with the drugs. His exact words, "I am just getting back into the same sh*t again. I can't stop, I don't want to." I hurt so bad. I can't stop crying. I haven't cried for a really long time. I've tried so hard to be strong, and be the rock, and hide my own pain. Right now, I'm crying for him, because he's such a beautiful person. I truly love him so much. But I know I can't help him. I know that all I can do is to take care of myself and our children. For so long, I've been nagging about the effects his behavior has on us, but now I'm worried about him. And now he wants a divorce. He wants to do what he wants but he knows I'll never be happy with what he's doing,(cocaine, alcohol)and so he wants to leave me, so I can be happy. It sounds crazy. The sad thing is that he has always been completely honest with me. It's not common for users to be so open about what hey do and how much they do it. But he tells me. I get angry, and he still tells me. So I really have to believe that he's telling me how he's really feeling when he says this. He says we are done. Our marriage was a mistake. He cannot and does not want to give up his lifestyle. Am I so naive to think that he's being honest? Or is his honesty a ploy to get me to feel sorry for him? I don't know anymore. The one strong aspect of our marriage has been trust and honesty. But have I just been blind the whole time? I knew he drank when we got married. And I have slowly watched him over the last five years take a slow decline. His friends have started smoking crack. I don't want him to do that. My last relationship was a victim of that and I had two kids with him too. Am I just destined to go through life like this? And then there's our marriage vows. I really have a problem with getting divorced because this is a sickness he has, and I promised to love him in sickness and in health. I know that he promised the same to me, and that he would respect me, and take care of me. he has not kept those promises, but that doesn't make it right if I don't keep mine too. That makes me just as bad as him. I know I can't stop him from leaving, and right now, I think it would probably be best. I am strong enough to know I can make it on my own, I've done it before. That's not what worries me. What worries me is our daughters, and how they will handle it, and I'm worried about hubby;s physical safety. he could easily get to the point of an overdose. I just don't know how I feel right now. Sad. I feel very sad. Once again, my dreams of having a happy home and family are ruined. I almost feel that pretending to be happy would be better. I could do it if it was just me. But I have four precious little children who mean the world to me. I seriously have to think about what's best for them.
Anyway, thanks to anyone who reads and responds to this. My family is wrapped up in their own problems, and I only have one friend. And she's going through a divorce and is oblivious to anyone else's problems. But that's a whole new issue.

September 19, 2005
10:32 pm
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Anonymous
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I think in the jumble of emotions and toughts - you got the basic ideas of what the reality is.

first of all - your vows - if he leaves you - then you didn't forsake your vows - he did.

second - his brutal honesty - be THANKFUL for it. It is painful, the truth often is. But he is being honest - he is telling you that he chooses the current lifestyle, tho he knows how unhealthy it is, and that he wants to release you from the burden you have of being with him - so you can find peace and happiness without him.

OMG - I wish all addicts were so honest. He isn't playing games with you. He isn't trying to manipulate you. He isn't saying he will change if you don't leave him. He is being honest. He is also loving you enough to set you free. No mind games here.

I wish I could tell you what you wanted to hear.

Third - your kids - what will this do to them - well, what will growing up watching their alcoholic junkie dad come home messed up, get messed up in their pressense, ruin their lives in so many unimagineable ways - ways they won't feel until they are adults and coming here wondering why they can't have healthy relationships themselves....what will leaving do to them? what will staying to to them? look at both sides - weigh the pros and cons...I bet the cons side is alot longer.

lastly - you have the confidence to know you can make it alone - you got more than some people here do (and this is NOT a slam on ANYONE - just meant that you are one step ahead than some).....

you can't take care of him - he has made that clear...you can't make him quit...you can't be his mom...you can't be his god, his angel, his protector, his nursemaid, his rescuer....you have kids to take care of and you got yourself to think of...you shouldn't have much left over for him after that.....his health and physical safety is his responsibility - he is not a kid...tho he is acting like one...but again, that's not your responsibility to change either.

now - how do you protect yourself from getting involved with the same thing again????

knowledge, knowledge, knowledge - therapy therapy therapy....those who refuse to learn history are doomed to repeat it.

you see the pattern - so now address it. get to a counselor who specializes in codependency...do you have your own addictions or did you come from a family of addicts or alcoholism? find a 12 step that addresses your specific problem (maybe more than one even)..read, read read...post post post....

the answers are out there...you seem to be looking in the right places.

September 19, 2005
10:35 pm
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wornout1
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Yes, I'm adding to my own post. I know that what I'm going to say means that I don't vaue myself and my own opinions. But I feel that sometimes I over react to what hubby does. I'll tell myself that it's not as bad as it could get. It could be worse. I've seen worse, I know what worse is. I guess it boils down to what is acceptable for ME. But there again, I don't know if maybe my own accepteance levels are influenced by other people telling me what I should accept, or not accept. I have a sister who would not tolerate an iota of what I'm going through, but then i have a sister in law who doesn't think it's a big deal because he only does it on weekends for now. I am really sorry to keep rambling like this, I just have no one else to talk to.

September 19, 2005
10:41 pm
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Anonymous
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don't apologize.

everyone has their own idea of what is tolerable and what isn't...what is a deal breaker and what isn't.

there is something here called the bill of rights...look thru the threads for it...it's good...it will give you good insight about what you SHOULD tolerate and what you shouldn't - based on what is considered healthy...and not just someone's opinion.

I know in my mind - drugs are totally a deal breaker - but I haven't walked even a step in your shoes - you love him and have children with him - I know that I tell others in my shoes to walk away, yet find myself staying in my own situation.

you know what worst is...you know you aren't there.

let me ask you - sometimes this helps me when I am floundering - what do you want for your babies?

sometimes you are willing to put up with a whole boatload of shit - before you walk - but think about the kids - do you want them to drown in your boatload? cuz they are along for the ride - and without even a voice in this.

when I am faced with a decision that I have to make for myself - sometimes it's easier to focus on what's better for my daughter - to focus on what I want her to learn about a healthy relationship and men and communication and such - and then decide - cuz the last thing I want to do is be a bad mommy and do more damage than good.

sometimes I can't make a good decision for me - but if it's for her, I get the better bargain in the process.

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