Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
this thing called marriage
September 2, 2009
11:47 am
Avatar
changed4ever
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I've married to the same man for 22 years. I've been a completely devoted wife and mother of our children. Communication is a very big problem, he refuses (or forgets) to mention things to me. He feels that he does not have to talk to me before inviting people to our home for a party. In doing so, he feels that he is having to "get permission" to do so.

I've expressed to him that it is not a permission thing, but it shows respect to me and what my needs/wants are. He will invite people over and then let me know afterwards. In the past I would become angry, but still help him prepare and I would completely clean the house.

He decided to once again have a party. He invited people and copied me on the email. I became furious once again, but maintained control. I told him that I would not be cleaning the house and would not be able to attend. I left my house the day of party and did not return until everyone was gone.

I since feel that I may have missed out, but I want to make it a point to him that I will not be treated that way. I'm not sure that it worked yet.

Any thoughts or feedback?

September 2, 2009
12:08 pm
Avatar
chelonia mydas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 7
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Changed4ever)))

Welcome to AAC. You have every right to be upset at his lack of communication.

Would the two of you consider marriage counseling? This might help resolve some of the communication barriers that seem to be present. He probably doesn't have a problem with it because he is getting to do what he wants.

If he won't go, then you could go on your own.

I think what you did for that last party was great. You told him of your boundary and you stuck to it.

If he continues to disrepect your wishes, you have to decide if you can accept that behavior or not.

You cannot control his behavior, but you can control if you accept it or not.

Sending you lots of hugs and strength to get through this.

September 2, 2009
12:21 pm
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ya that self punishment thing doesn’t get us to far does it? What you did was similar to poring gasoline on him but setting yourself on fire especially if you are having regrets that you may have missed a nice time with friends in your own home.

Sounds like a power struggle going on between the two of you. Yes you want and deserve to be in the decision making regarding things happening in your own home, including parties. The fact your husband used the term “get permission” may mean that’s how he feels regarding how you treat him. Many of us codies tend to treat our partners like children, with all our care taking and need to do and fix we forget how to treat adults in our life and every one gets treated like our kids.

It may be just a matter of your approach when expressing your feelings to him and your reactions to his responses.

I think it’s a good suggestion for marriage counseling, communication is almost always the trouble spot.

What kind of work have YOU been doing for your codependency?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 2, 2009
1:16 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Atalose,

"Ya that self punishment thing doesn’t get us to far does it? What you did was similar to poring gasoline on him but setting yourself on fire especially if you are having regrets that you may have missed a nice time with friends in your own home. "

Well there you go again...saying exaclty what I need hear at the precise moment I need to hear it. How do you do that? Divine interverntion perhaps?

Anyway, I was sitting her contemplating the idea of biting off my nose to spite my face but your post has made me thinks it may not be the best idea.

Sigh.....

Ok, let the more mature Lolli prevail.....

September 2, 2009
3:20 pm
Avatar
changed4ever
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I began struggling with our relationship about 3 years or so ago when my oldest daughter was graduating high school. I one day stopped and took a good look around at my life. I did not like what I saw. Our marriage has been struggling since. We have been to two different counselors and I've seen two different counselors for just me. No one told me I was co-dependent until a friend pointed it out to me.

I have been attending a group called "Untangling Relationships" for co-dependency. It has been great. I still keep trying with my marriage hoping things will improve. Yes it is a power struggle right now because for about 19 years he has gotten everything he has wanted. It has become more of a parent child relationship. He says he loves me and I want to believe him, but I keep wondering if it is more of a convenience relationship because he is afraid of losing half of everything.

September 2, 2009
3:35 pm
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

lolli,

I think you might end up missing that old nose, it comes in handy for things!!! LOL

I know we don’t set out to punish ourselves with our actions or reactions to others but some how we do. I often believe it’s because we do our actions in hopes of their reactions which for us codies means wanting them to change.

My new thinking now includes that old fire drill thing we learned in grade school, stop, drop and roll…………stop-------don’t react right away------------drop-----------think it ALL THE WAY THROUGH---------roll-----take healthy actions.

Change,

That group “Untangling Relationships” sounds so interesting, wonder if there are any in my area……how did you discover it?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 2, 2009
5:17 pm
Avatar
changed4ever
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What your thoughts be if you found out your spouse had been in love with another woman? Your supposed good friend (that's married)? You had to find out through your child from and old cell phone of his that had text messages left on it from her that were questionable?

Also that you had feelings that something just wasn't quite right between your husband, your friend and yourself. Letting your husband know how you were feeling only to have the friend defended against?

I do like your analogy of "stop, drop and roll." Problem with me is I stop, don't react, think to myself and talk myself out of reacting because I don't want to fight a battle I know I will never win because of his narcissitic nature.

September 2, 2009
6:20 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Changed...

Has your husband been diagnosed a narcissist? If the answer is "yes," you have a hard road ahead. Narcissism -- like antisocial personality disorder -- is virtually untreatable. We cannot teach others to have empathy. That critically-timed window of opportunity was lost in early childhood.

Even if he is only demonstrating narcissistic traits, your marriage would pose great difficulties. If you can afford it, I strongly encourage you to continue seeking professional therapy for yourself, as well as partipating in the group you have located. Make sure you find a counselor/therapist who thoroughly understands narcissism. I think it's vitally important that you reach out for the support and understanding that you need, before taking any serious steps.

The scenario which you described with the triangle of your husband and (former?) married friend sounds devastating. Your husband has no business exchanging "friendly" (or otherwise) text messages with another woman...other than his mother, sisters or daughters. Period. He vowed to "forsake all others," didn't he? So, you [his wife] should always come first. This precludes any/all friendly contact and/or socializing with other women that might make you uncomfortable.

Whether or not he actually had/has feelings for this woman is not important. What IS important? How his behavior has made you feel. Your feelings DO matter very much. Please seek out counseling to help you sort through the pain you are carrying.

I am also a strong believer in trusting our gut instincts. Inside each of us is a "knower" which churns with uneasiness when we "know" something is not, quite right...not quite what it appears to be. Trust that instinct. You detect "red flags" in your marriage. Pay attention to that churning and uneasiness. Most of us "codies" (myself, included) tend to ignore or tune out those red flags, much to our downfall.

Do keep posting. You have alot to say and this is a safe place for you to vent.

- Ma Strong

September 2, 2009
11:07 pm
Avatar
changed4ever
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you very much Ma Strong! I really do seek people who really understand. My therapist does and has warned me that if I stay in this relationship I could become much more worse off than I currently am. Believe me I love this man more than anything, but it is not helping me any. I need to truly focus on me and if I'm not truly happy with this person it is time to move on. After raising 3 kids it is definitely time for some "me time!"

September 3, 2009
10:08 am
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

change,

Some times “love” is just not enough. I think your therapist gave you a very true warning.

You mentioned that you believe your husband and best friend are “involved”. You said you found text messages on an old phone that were questionable. You said your husband defended the friend. And you feel he is in love with her. What did your friend say when you confronted her?

That “feeling” you have letting you know something is not right, LISTEN to it and more so BELIEVE it.

If he’s a true narcissist you’ll never get the truth out of him about this other woman.

Keep talking YOUR life out with your therapist and yes put all the focus on YOU. Keep posting too.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 3, 2009
4:46 pm
Avatar
changed4ever
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Of course the friend said that they were nothing but close friends as did he. I got the messages from phone last October. We have been struggling ever since. Up and down. I started the co-dependency group back in late winter/early of this year. As we all know it is a very slow process for recovery.

The only thing my husband will confess to is being to close, but that actually took forever for him to admit. His father is narcissistic and my husband has the tendencies. I just keep hoping that he is not 100%

It is so hard giving someone 22 years and tearing a family apart. Although, my family already has been torn apart because of so called "friendship".

September 4, 2009
8:54 am
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Has this “friendship” ended? What about your friendship with this woman, have you ended your friendship with her or is she still in the picture?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 4, 2009
11:18 am
Avatar
ne14acab
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Changed4ever,
I too was in the same place. My solution was to leave him. The control got so bad the hitting abuse started. I had tried every composer you can think of. Finally the pimple popped.
The thing i'm learning now is that my problem is following me. I'm 3000 miles away and still fine myself missing the jackass. SICK! YES, i am!!! I'm in therapy as we speak. This site was sudgested by my therapist for support. So lets be coed on line...lol

September 15, 2009
5:44 pm
Avatar
changed4ever
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My friendship with her is definitely way over. I will not be around her or her husband in neighborhood functions. My other friends in the neighborhood don't understand and have nothing to do with me either. I have been excluded, banished. But after today talking to my couselor, I've realized that I don't miss them one bit. I'm continuing working on me.

I did find my husband on facebook chatting with one of her best friends. I actually saw "her" name in the conversation. I questioned him and you can imagine where it went. Nowhere but denial.

September 15, 2009
8:50 pm
Avatar
andii
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 124
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Same happened to me. Quite frankly, they can all fuck off. Because I know the reason I was "banished" is because pondscum talked all kinds of crap while I had enough class and respect for myself to keep my mouth shut. Interestingly, in the professional field I gained respect, he lost it, though he probably doesn't even know it. He's oblivious to what people ACTUALLY think about him. Liars and cheaters and bad-talkers often are.

And as far as I'm concerned, those who LISTENED to his shit, BELIEVED his shit, felt sorry for HIM and his shit, can all fuck off.

It's been over a year now since we separated and he showed his real colors and true self to everybody. Those who fell for his shit, I'm truly glad it this point that they are no longer in my lives. I can see now how poisonous they were, as he was, to my spirit and my life.

It hurt a great deal at first, I felt so betrayed, so lied to, so cheated.

I have no contact with him and his little posse anymore, and I;ve never loved life more.

Truly

He's just an ugly, ugly, troll.

September 17, 2009
6:59 pm
Avatar
andii
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 124
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

well shoot I thought this might be good conversation.

andii the thread killer lol

September 24, 2009
5:23 pm
Avatar
assertive
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi, it seems you have a marriage problem , I am divorced maybe I can share my story.

September 24, 2009
6:27 pm
Avatar
andii
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 124
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi assertive. I"m going through a divorce right now. I need to get the paperwork completed and I've totally been dragging on that. I just so don't want to deal with all the lying and hiding and fighting and bull crap that I know is going to go down. So I've been avoiding it.

What's your story?

September 24, 2009
7:38 pm
Avatar
reflections3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I just joined this site. I also am embarking on a divorce after a 41 year marriage. Mental and emotional abuse since day one. Control and lack of sexual relations added to the burden of being married. No conversation, and other issues that makes this marriage feel like a prison cell. I do have a therapist and he has facilitated with the process.

I have printed out various articles from the web having to do with the topic of divorce and laws in the State of PA. Going for a consultation tomorrow with an attorney that I was referred to. My husband has already had a consultation with another attorney and came back with three choices for me .. none of them were feasible and I told him I wouldn't sign anything until I sought representation.

Would enjoy bouncing this stuff off of each other and gain some insight as to what I should be expecting.

Thanks

September 26, 2009
6:28 pm
Avatar
onlyboringontheoutside
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow, after 41 years? You're really courageous to make this change! So many people stuck in bad situations just let it go on and on because that's just "the way things are". Be proud of yourself for taking the step to extricate yourself from a bad situation and take care of yourself.

I can't even imagine the extent of your feelings. I went through a divorce myself, but the marriage was very short and we didn't have children together, and so it was "simple" especially because of the laws of the state I live in (which is not PA), but it was heart wrenching, and even after 5 years, I still feel a lot of sadness over it from time to time. But it was the best thing I ever could have done for myself, and I wouldn't change my decision.

Do make sure to get a good lawyer. If you don't feel comfortable with the lawyer you were referred to after meeting with him, find another one.

September 26, 2009
7:00 pm
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

bump

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
36
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111001
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38567
Posts: 714291
Newest Members:
Castano, Yourheart, Aaradhya, tecnhog, Fijirald, Welds
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information