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This site has changed from one yr ago...
November 22, 2006
7:12 pm
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gracenotes
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To Those Who Have Left, or Are Thinking of Leaving......

I would be very hesitant to make decisions, such as leaving this board, at this time of year, right before the holidays are beginning. I don't know about you, but this can be a very tough time of the year. Stuff easily comes up to be dealt with. For me, this time around Thanksgiving is the most difficult part, until I get into the spirit of the holidays.

I think this is a time of the year where we all need to support each other a whole lot and not end connections with people who we help and are helped by.

November 22, 2006
7:20 pm
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cyndra820
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Turnabout,

I never depended on it SOLELY for my recovery. I know it's a tool and used it as such. I have never looked for my recovery through these means only.

I do recognize that. However, I just don't think that the way someone gets to recovery should be looked down on. I just feel that what we did was viewed as negative and unhealthy.

November 22, 2006
7:44 pm
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turnabout
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hey cyndra, thanks for replying...

no matter how many tools one uses towards their recovery, it can be easy to start relying too heavily on one, even to the extent of codependence when that is an affliction natural to us anyway. We do it without even realizing b/c it is so natural to us ...

...and how can be act codependently with something we are using for our own self-improvement anyway? It's hard to believe, but it happens.

I think most of us at some point or other have done it. I don't know why you feel looked down on b/c some people think they're seeing it and have pointed it out. I think there may be some self-consciousness causing you and others to hear judgment when there is really only concern and a desire to help.

Of course, it could be the clique comments, which, I gotta say, just don't wash with me. We all gravitate and form bonds with people who share stories similar to ours. That is something natural and necessary in receiving support. So, I don't know what to tell you if that's the thing you're responding to except to just try and shrug it off. The "clique" accusation gets thrown around from time to time and I've never seen it really amount to anything.

I've never followed the "Sisters" threads, so I can't defend or condemn them. I typically don't care for chatty threads b/c that's not what I come here for. If I had any opinion, it would be that many of them should probably be carried over to the Lib Brew threads. Someone suggested created a new string of threads for the healed/friendships group of people, but that's essentially what I see the Liberation Brew as being. I don't know why people don't use it more when all they want is a little light-hearted, casual conversation.

Anyway, cyndra, I remember at times having to take a sabbatical from these boards on a couple of occasions when I felt judged. And it hurts, I know, b/c you feel judged and condemned by the very people you were coming to for support. Getting away gave me some perspective on how much inappropriate value I was giving their opinions and that I was, indeed, acting codependently on the site.

People are going to form their opinions. You don't have to let their opinions, though, influence what you do for your own recovery. THAT, m'dear, is entirely up to YOU.

November 22, 2006
7:51 pm
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snowlover
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Lolli,

i think you worded your comments wonderfully as always. I am sorry to see the hurt caused from this issue, but i think those of us who expresed concern did try our very best to be diplomatic.

This time of year is tough. Feelings are raw, and perhaps we take things in a way different than they were intended. I know, Ive been there, just last year in fact, and i feel for anyone suffering this time of year.

I am sorry if anything i said caused anyone pain, and I genuinely mean that. And Lolli, big hugs for you sweetie, becaue unfortunately I think youre feeling very bad right now. I just think your good intentions were misread horribly.

Snow

November 22, 2006
8:00 pm
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lollipop3
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(((Snow)))

Thank you so much

November 22, 2006
8:01 pm
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turnabout
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I probably should have said "I typically don't care for (following) chatty threads" rather than saying I "don't care for them". They certainly do have their value and wouldn't intentionally imply otherwise.

November 22, 2006
8:07 pm
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snowlover
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turnabout,

I think you also tried very hard with your wording. i just think unfortunately we all struck a nerve with the sisters, and I dont think theres much hope in trying to discuss it without any more feelings being hurt.

I just think its sad so many people are hurting over it right now, but perhaps its a situation where you cant offer help or discussion when it truly isnt wanted?

Snow

November 22, 2006
8:09 pm
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RosieFuture
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Alycia,

I am sorry you feel that way. I don't think it's a clique at all. I have only been using the site for support for a little over two weeks. It has been very helpful to me. I am not sure what your experience has been. Prehaps, you feel that you have not been supported. I can only hope that you will continue to post and respond.

I wish you lots of love and happiness.

RosieFuture

November 22, 2006
8:13 pm
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sleepless in uk
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(((Lolli))))

couldnt agree with Snow more

take care

November 22, 2006
8:17 pm
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snowlover
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Sleepless,

Funny seeing each other away from the C/A thread, huh? I think its good that were broadening a little today, and trying, even if unsuccessful to help with some other issues!!

Hugs,
Snow

November 22, 2006
8:22 pm
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sleepless in uk
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Yeah...kind of feels good....

🙂

Love sleepless

November 22, 2006
8:33 pm
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cyndra820
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Snow,

I appreciate the comments, I really do. It's just come at a bad time for three of us. Not that any of you would know this.

I was told that explaining and defending would be pointless because there have been things said that have hurt us all.

I've also said that I can understand why the concern that codependent behavior is still being practiced among us. Since I am the newest to the group I feel that I am being blamed for it.

This whole thing has struck a nerve. Recovery isn't easy and to have found people who WANT to help me and do CARE about me is a blessing. It is not something I feel I should have to defend or feel ashamed of.

Lolli does have her points and I've seen some of what she's talked about. Maybe I am defensive because it seemed she was saying it was unhealthy and abusive. She said she didn't mean it that way, and I believe her. Lolli is a wonderful person, but right now is just the crappiest time. I'm sorry that I lashed out at her.

The legitimate points brought up are worth thinking about. Nothing can negate their validity or at least the need to consider them.

The clique comment was painful and I don't think legitimate, but people feel the way they feel.

November 22, 2006
8:41 pm
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snowlover
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Cyndra,

Thank you so much posting responding, and im sooo happy to see you here. I think what the concern may have been was: what would happen if the group of you were unable to communicate for whatever reason for a time being? Had you become so dependant on one another that it would hinder your recovery?

I know how hard it is to open up here, and also know how hard it is to hear critisism or input from others. I just hope you know that everything said here was completely meant as a help, and support.

Hugs to you,
Snow

November 22, 2006
8:46 pm
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lollipop3
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(((Cyndra))),

Thank you for apologizing. I never intended to hurt you or anyone. I know sometimes things can be difficult to hear and sometimes we just plain don't agree and that's okay.

Believe me....I have been where you are and I understand.

I hope tomorrow is a better day and I hope you have a great holdiay.

Love,
Lolli

November 22, 2006
8:48 pm
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bevdee
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Lolli you did it again - put my nebulous thoughts into words!!

"Again, the purpose of this site is to promote self-awareness and growth for ourselves and I have seen a lot of manipulation and guilt inducing tactics being used on those threads. I am all for support and I think it is great that the sisters have each other, but I think to expect that people be there at certain times (all hours of the day and night) and to take on the responsibility of other people's feelings and reactions and the constant need for reassurance is all very codependent behavior."

And Snowlover - "I think what the concern may have been was: what would happen if the group of you were unable to communicate for whatever reason for a time being?"

I agree. This is what has concerned me over the past few days.

November 22, 2006
8:57 pm
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Honolulugal
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Just stopping by to say I think you are all doing great! Especially you, Cyndra...we love ya. Stay awhile?

As always, Good golly Miss Lolli, love you bunches and bunches...thank you for helping me soooo very much over the past 4 months.

H-gal

November 22, 2006
8:58 pm
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lollipop3
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(((bevdee))) (((H-gal)))

November 22, 2006
9:04 pm
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cyndra820
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Snow~ I had to think about your first question and know where it comes from. The checking in on a daily basis. I get that. I don't think it bothers me to be seperated from them. I do understand the concern. As for being dependent on them for my recovery...I don't know. I know it wouldn't stop if they weren't here. They give me something I've not ever had which is understanding.

Lolli~ I really am sorry. It just struck a nerve. Too much going on AND the holiday season is beginning.

November 22, 2006
9:05 pm
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lollipop3
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(((cyndra)))

November 22, 2006
9:07 pm
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cyndra820
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(((Lolli))) Thanks for forgiving me for being an ass. I'm usually not this bad, but DAMN!!

November 22, 2006
9:11 pm
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snowlover
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Cyndra,

Im so happy to hear you say that. Thats what the concern was, that the dependance on the site was becoming so great that if that was lost for whatever reason it would cause any of you undue pain or suffering.

I understand that all too well Cyndra. last year i was a horrible mess here, and was truly suicidal. i NEEDED this place to survive daily. People, like Lolli helped me realize that i couldnt go from needing all my support and life blood from my EX Bf and replace that need with this place, or ANY one thing.

Its about discovering YOU, and finding new ways to grow and broaden. getting out there, experiencing life, maybe starting therapy, or whatever it is YOU need to get out of the bad situation you find yourself in.

im so glad youre here, and youre able to talk to all of us about this. I mean that much more than you know.

Hugs...Snow

November 22, 2006
9:12 pm
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clownface
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PLEASE read my post on:

Cyn, are you still around!

Thanks,
Clown

November 22, 2006
9:13 pm
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lollipop3
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Like I said Cyndra....I have been where you are and I understand completely.

Living, loving, learning, friendship and forgiveness is what it's all about my friend.

Have a very Happy Thanksgiving....to you and all of the "sisters"

Love,
Lolli

November 22, 2006
9:15 pm
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needtoheal
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I just want everyone here to know that I am going through a really difficult time right now.. Very depressed...can recognize it and feel it... and I do not rely on the sister thread for my recovery... thank you for expressing your concern..

November 22, 2006
9:16 pm
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lollipop3
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(((needtoheal)))

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