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This site has changed from one yr ago...
November 22, 2006
11:41 am
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atalose
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2alone,

I understand what you mean about few responses to posts and how it can leave people feeling rejected or turned off from coming here.

I know for me I tend to only post on subjects I've either gone through myself or has effected my life. Maybe that's the case with others I don't know. But you bring up a good point and one I think I will be more aware of.

Thanks you.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

November 22, 2006
12:05 pm
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snowlover
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Mich,

Well, I just dont know what else to say. I stated i wasnt accusing anyone of ANYTHING. Ive also said i had NO issues with any bonding going on here. I simply felt a valid point had been made, and well, I guess i try to offer help when someone feels letf out or a little ignored.

i wasnt implying YOU, or any of your sisters were causing any of that, and i think i stated that very clearly. But alas, my words have been misunderstood, so i shall step away from the issue.

I will say this much. i think this thread was started because some people outside of the circle perhaps wanted to feel they could participate, or even make sure new people could feel welcome. But the tone of this thread doesnt feel welcoming anymore, and i think thats sad.

Cyndra,

Thank you very much for your response. i truly appreciate you understanding what some of these psoters were saying. Im sure the others do as well.

Snow

November 22, 2006
12:08 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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2alone and atalose,

I do think that it is normal for all of us to post more where we have been there or done that or are going through it now. Sometimes I just post a hug to let people know that I care. Sometimes I feel incapable of helping someone else when I am not doing well myself. I am not afraid to say that. I care much about a lot of people. I try to let that be known. Sometimes, I don't have a clue of what to say at all. I think we all need to realize that we cannot help everyone. Just because there are a LOT of people here, doesn't mean we can help them all. We grow together, learn together, share, love, learn to trust, and everything else. You are good people, we all are. We just cope in different ways. If you think the sisters have anything to offer you, find us, it isn't that hard. We are usually around. We are good people, and not exclusive. Best of luck to both of you.

(((atalose and 2alone)))

November 22, 2006
12:11 pm
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soprano2
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I had a very smart teacher tell me something once that fits into this thread.

There are people who get alienated.
There are people who alienate themselves.
It is our job to be sensitive to both extremes and offer kindness and support because both people are looking for help.

I am not sure which one I have felt on this site...at least I am willing to give it another try.

November 22, 2006
12:15 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Snow,

I am not offended, and someone new has joined us today. As we just cross posted I told 2 others on this thread that if they wanted to join us. I was not necessarily referring everything that I said to you Snow. Go back to the first post of this thread. I do feel somewhat frustrated because of this. You have posted to me on occasion, I was just going through an old thread yesterday that you had. I have nothing against anyone person in particular. I started the new thread today the way I did NOT to be a smartass, but to make it known that others are welcome. I think that there has been benefits that may come from this thread. If I am oversensitive, I think that a lot of us sisters are regarding this thread. Merely because we have welcomed all who have dared to enter with open arms. I wasn't trying to be mean, or offensive, and I apologize. I guess that I am a little hurt, and maybe feel a little threatened. I hope that people can see those threads as what they truly are...a growing, healing process for all of us, and anyone who wants to be a part of them. Including you or anyone. Again I apologize.

Mich

November 22, 2006
12:21 pm
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lovinglife
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just have to make comment regarding what Mich said regarding that sisters thread..."dare to enter" is pretty accurate in description! LOL

November 22, 2006
1:15 pm
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red blonde
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Please, anyone and everyone, do not take this the wrong way. When I first found this site long time ago, I felt alienated...not that anyone made me feel that way...but because I FELT that way. I am shy and didn't know how I would be helped on any of the threads..so I didn't post much at first. Then I stopped posting and just kept reading the threads. As I was being helped by just reading the threads, I grew stronger. I started posting to several threads and got wonderful support and advice. I try to help when I can.

Sure, we form bonds and friendships on this site..and that is in itself wonderful. I have also formed bonds, but NEVER with the intention of excluding others. I would hate to see any of these threads break up.

My only advice to NEWBIES would be: Stick to the site! DO NOT feel alienated or rejected! POST when you are ready or feel you need help or can maybe help someone else. EVERYONE helps everyone...some just have been through similar situations so that they feel they understand eachother and have grown close. I see nothing wrong in that.

JUST JUMP RIGHT IN ON A THREAD and POST...SOON, YOU TOO, WILL BE A PART OF SOMETHING WONDERFUL...THE HEALING of this SITE!

(((((LOVE TO ALL))))))

Red

November 22, 2006
1:34 pm
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revelation
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Red you hit the nail on the head, quite often when we first come here, or even when we are not newbies, but feeling a bit low in ourselves, we tend to feel alienated anyway...that is we percieve that we are being alienated!

I love to see all the new people joining...sometimes I can't respond to their threads because...well, ok I'll try and explain how I feel about responding to new peoples threads...I've been almost two years here...when I came here I was soooooo clueless about just about everything, through the kindness and support of all the people here I have learned lots and it spurred me to read and research and learn even more...I feel that sometimes what I want to write to peoples threads may not be right for them to read just then...baby-steps right? Well, I just feel that sometimes I'd go on and on and overwhelm new people...there are others here who are much more articulate and can write down what I say in 2000 words in about 10...I love reading their threads, and I LOVE when they reply to someone I was going to reply to saying exactly what I wanted to say, but in a much clearer way!!! I help when I feel their is an opportunity to help...

I didn't go on the afghan sisters thread because, I felt that I couldn't offer anymore than what was already offered...I don't resent people for forming "sisterhoods" as long as everyone is welcome...and it seems that is the case!

Rev.

November 22, 2006
1:41 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Thanks Rev.

November 22, 2006
1:56 pm
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red blonde
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Rev ~ Like you, I read the threads and don't respond all the time, because I, too, take 2000 words to say something that someone else can say in 20 or less. But I do post if I feel that I have something to contribute...even if it is just support or someone to talk to. I should just post to a thread that someone has answered with a "RIGHT ON" or "DITTO"...maybe I will do that once in awhile to show them I really do care and want to show support.

I felt alienated, but it wasn't until I realized that THAT WAS COMING FROM WITHIN ME not from any of the wonderful people on this site!

I LOVE THE AAC!

(((((("Sisterhood")))))

I read your threads...just haven't posted...but I am very glad that you are there for eachother....and for everyone else!

Red

November 22, 2006
2:02 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Thanks to you too Red. Never feel too shy to post. We know that people read silently. But, if you ever want...post...it is all good. We will talk back to you. Promise...If our threads are moving too fast and we miss your post...post again.

November 22, 2006
2:07 pm
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red blonde
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Scared

Not shy any longer..I have been opening up little by little and this site has made a BIG change in me and everyone of my friends not on the site have SEEN this change in me!

I just posted to the new sisterhood thread! I love you all.

I will not be upset if you missed my post and I will post again if I feel I can help in any way...support, etc.

Got stuff to do around the house, so I don't always have time to read all the threads...but I try!

(((((((Everyone)))))))))

Red

November 22, 2006
2:09 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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You can come here if you need us too? It doesn't just have to be you posting to help us. We all have tough times...and we are here for you too. So glad you stopped in.

(((RED)))

November 22, 2006
4:33 pm
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StronginHim77
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STRONG WAS HERE.

: )

November 22, 2006
5:19 pm
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site coordinator
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Hey Folks!

There have been similar threads and series of threads like the 'sisterhood' on these boards before... and similarly, they have aroused similar concern and has been talked out in a similar way.

And what I have done in the past with these similar situations... is I usually intervene to bring the pendulum back to the middle.

My suggestion & request to the Afghan Sisters: Please create 1, and only 1 thread, on the Liberation Brew Side for the Afghan sisters instead of creating many threads on the Support Side.

Also, as one of the guideline tips says, "These boards were created, and are kept with the expressed intent for deep expression, getting various opinions, and personal growth. Therefore, some chit-chat is allowed, but frequent chit-chat needs to be conducted elsewhere on the internet."

But, everyone here has agreed and still must not exchange email or other personal contact information. So, if you'd like to exchange emails - then we can do this personally with ME in email only, and you will then be asked to exit the site and not return. Restated: if there are several of you that would like to chit-chat someplace else on the web, please let me know personally in email, and I will ask that you also relinquish your posting rights forever on this site. But yes, chit chat in general, for the health and usefulness of the site AS IT IS INTENDED BY ITS CREATORS, does need to be reduced...

Thanks everyone... and wishing those in the USA a great Holiday tomorrow.

Love & Peace, Site Coordinator

November 22, 2006
5:19 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Everyone,

First I would like to say that I hope that this discussion can continue without feelings getting hurt or anyone feeling the need to defend. One of the purposes of this site is to use and practice assertive communication and I hope that we can all continue to try to do that.

Having said that.....I had written in my previous post that I felt that the dependence that has developed on the "sisters threads" has at times reached, what I would consider to be, unhealthy codependent levels. Has anyone else noticed this or would care to comment on that?

Again, the purpose of this site is to promote self-awareness and growth for ourselves and I have seen a lot of manipulation and guilt inducing tactics being used on those threads. I am all for support and I think it is great that the sisters have each other, but I think to expect that people be there at certain times (all hours of the day and night) and to take on the responsibility of other people's feelings and reactions and the constant need for reassurance is all very codependent behavior. The main reason that I don't respond on those threads is not because I feel excluded but because it makes me very uncomfortable to see that behavior happening and I am afraid that any comment by me might be taken the wrong way and I will find myself in the position of having to defend myself as I have seen many of the sisters have to do.

Again, I hope that I have not offended anyone. I am only trying to be honest about my feelings and maybe point out some things that others may not even realize they are doing.

Love,
Lolli

November 22, 2006
5:33 pm
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StronginHim77
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SC -

Got it.

- Strong

November 22, 2006
5:46 pm
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cyndra820
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SC

Thank you for clearing that up.

Lolli

Not offended and I completely understand where you are coming from. Thank you for talking about it.

I won't be posting anymore. I think that this has shown me that sometimes healing isn't a thing that can be done through the internet.

Thank you again, Lolli.

November 22, 2006
5:50 pm
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cyndra820
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SC,

I relinquish my posting rights. Please delete my username and password.

Thank you,
Cyndra

November 22, 2006
5:52 pm
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ggfred4
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CYN, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!not w/o talking, please...not w/o saying goodbye to me..

November 22, 2006
5:56 pm
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needtoheal
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CYNdra---------

please......talk

November 22, 2006
6:16 pm
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lollipop3
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Cyndra,

Please....I hope that you are not leaving based on my comments. As I said, my only intention was to have others perhaps take a look at some of the exchanges that have taken place and decide for themselves whether they think it is healthy for them or not.

Perhaps that is what you have done?

To say anymore would be doing exactly what I have been trying to avoid, so I will leave it at this.....

If you decide to leave I hope it is for you...and not because I have offended you.

Take care...I wish you the best.

Love,
Lolli

November 22, 2006
6:21 pm
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ggfred4
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Lolli, it isn't up for OTHERS to judge personal exchanges of others...this is strictly your opinion...We are here for what is best for our own support and recovery and should not be judged or commented by others...There are many threads here where I find people codependent on each other and I will dare not name them, because it is not my place...that is their decision...I would like to state my opinion now about what has happened here today, but I am afraid it would not be too polite, so I will refrain...

November 22, 2006
6:40 pm
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gracenotes
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I thought all these comments were interesting and I agree with much of what has been written here. I never read the Sisterhood thread too much. I was way too busy at the time, and it was too much to read, but I know there were invitations to jump on in.

It seems, for me, and I may be putting my own personal stuff here about belonging, etc., that after one passes a point of crisis and starts talking about positive, ongoing changes, that I am lucky to get one or two replies. Sometimes I have simply replied to myself just to have a response. But, I do check in here most days anyway.

I really haven't made any specific personal connections here but I like to come here to this site, and it was been very helpful in my personal growth and it feels great to be of help to someone else. Just writing things is healing and I learn a lot from what others have posted. Its tough sometimes when I write something and barely, or don't, get a response, but I don't take it personally.

November 22, 2006
7:05 pm
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turnabout
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ggfred4, sounds like you don't like Lolli's perception of certain things, so you've decided she's "judging" people on here.

This is a site where a lot of admittedly codependent people come for support. If no one is allowed to tell you when they're seeing codependent behavior in your actions, how are they going to be able to support you?

I suppose you felt her comments were made in a spirit of judgment rather than concern, but could you be wrong?

cyndra, healing CAN'T happen completely over the internet. I believe that's what has concerned some people here. It's an extremely useful tool, but it shouldn't be depended on for your healing.

And when it is regarded as a tool, it can be set aside when it is no longer useful to you and then picked back up when it can be useful again. It may be time for you to set it aside. I can accept that, but a decision to completely throw away the use of this site when it isn't being everything you need actually confirms a codependently unhealthy reliance on it.

I hope you will rethink your choice. You may need a break from posting, but I doubt you need to delete your membership here.

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