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THIS SEEMS LIKE BREAKING AN ADDICTION.....!!!
October 15, 2006
7:59 am
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needtoheal
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I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE HERE HAS GONE THROUGH THIS BUT I AM FEELING LIKE I AM IN WITHDRAWAL FROM MY NOW EX-BF

October 15, 2006
8:46 am
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taj64
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I have gone through the withdrawal process. Keeping away from the person and having no contact is the key to moving forward quicker. It took me a long time only because I did not let go. I always found ways or they found me to be somehow connected to the person that was no good for me. I only prolonged my pain. It hurts like the devil for a few weeks or even months but it does fade and you have to feel it and let it pass. In breakups, all the old loves and people that have abandoned you, the old feelings also resurface and cause hurt on top of already hurt caused by the loss of a person. It is important to recognize all this and realize that is will pass. It is ok to cry, be angry, sad and all for it will all take time for it to go away. In the meantime read books, and try to learn about yourself and what you want and need. It is hard work but the payoff is better than being in a relationship that simply is not working. It takes healing to recognize that it was much worse than even you realize so make the effort to heal. Accepting and fully accepting that this relationship is over though it is painful is the first step in healing. My heart goes out to you right now. I know the feeling very well. Good luck.

October 15, 2006
10:22 am
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2angelsinmo
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need to heal, Hi, i'm too a co dependent who's trying to leave a 7 year relationship. And it is like going through withdraws. They are awful and painful but they too shall pass. You will be so pleased of the outcome and knowledge, it will bring you such a inner peace and courage. You will step on anything negative that will come your way, throughout this journey. Make it a game with yourself to do better in your life daily and to push through. When you find yourself thinking of them/him just destract yourself. Each time you do this it will become alot easier and the next thing you know you won't be thinking of him any longer. It works for me and I too am still learning. This message board has been a god sin for me. It's a rush to read these storys and to be able to respond back, hoping you have helped at least one person. I have been reading a great book called,"When pleasing others is hurting you." by Dr. David Hawkins. It's a great book to start your healing. Good luck and I'll keep you in my prayers.

October 15, 2006
10:41 am
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StronginHim77
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This is from "Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Site." I think it will help you a bit. It sure helped me!

In a recent email, a reader asked the following question:
"Why do I continue to feel love for this person that abused me? I DON'T miss the abuse, but I do miss the good times we had... I still cry sometimes because I miss what I thought we had. Is this normal?"

Yes, it is very "normal." In fact, most people leaving abusive relationships feel the same way. Many, at least initially, have a hard time staying away from a person they know has hurt them. What is going on?

Loss of a Relationship

When you give up a partner, you give up a lifestyle as well. You give up shared friends, shared activities, as well give up the comfort of being half of a couple. You knew there was someone around; maybe you saw each other or chatted daily. You knew you would have something to do or someone to be with on Saturday night. Even if you stayed home alone on Saturday night, you knew someone was there. You had a partner. Your life changes when you break up with your partner. All of this takes some getting used to. It takes time to regroup and rebuild.

Saturday night...what's a person to do? Not only will you mourn the loss of partner status with its shared friends and activities, but you are also likely to experience the void of the Back-to-Square-One Syndrome. Got to start all over again with the trials and tribulations most partnership-ready singles dread: meeting new people via singles bars, blind dates, email; not meeting new people; dating, dating and more endless dating...

When you do finally meet a prospective partner, you must go through the initial motions again: the getting to know each other phase: do they like me? Do I like them? Do they want a relationship? What about sex? If you get past the third date, you can look forward to the initial misunderstandings, the not knowing whether things will work out; introductions to friends and family; meeting friends and family. Knowing you don't know, you wonder whether you will go through this initial relationship stuff again and again. Unless you are a professional dater who is allergic to commitment, dating gets old fast.

The loss of a relationship is unsettling. When you lose an abusive relationship, you must deal with all of the ordinary losses as well as some specifically related to abuse.

Losses in an Abusive Relationship

Low self-esteem. Your self-esteem will be at a low point. You are coming out of a relationship where you have been riding an emotional roller coaster powered by your partner's deft ability to give with one hand and take away with the other. This is not the time to look to any love interests to bolster you. Spend some time alone, some time with good friends and family. This is the time to be good to yourself and to love yourself in a constructive way. For example, start an exercise program. Get that jacket you've been admiring. Constructive self-caring is about moderation. Moderation is the difference between pampering yourself with a purchase and a destructive spending spree.

So very, very good; so very, very bad. Your partner knew how to cut you to the quick with a look, and how build you up higher than high. You are likely to miss how extraordinarily good your partner made you feel. Don't forget, they had to - to make up for all of the bad! The good we remember, the bad we forget. Don't make this mistake. Every time you sadly recall a wonderful memory, think of one that hurt. Better yet, think of two.

Actions speak louder than words. Your partner knew exactly what you wanted to hear and said or implied it. Think: this person claimed to love you. Did he or she behave lovingly over time? Do you behave like your partner towards people you love?

Promises, promises. Your partner may be back and may promise you the world. He or she really, really means it! He or she means it for as long as long as it takes to regain your trust. As soon as you become comfortable in the relationship, your partner will do something to mess things up. They can't help it. As much as they crave closeness, they fear it more. There is absolutely nothing you can do about this, but save yourself from it.

Loss of Reality or Fantasy? Did you lose something you really had? Or did you lose a promise that never quite materialized? Did you lose a happy life, or the prospect of a happy life? How much of the time were you really happy? It is likely you are mourning the dream of what could be as opposed to the reality of what was. Check it out.

Advice. Do what you can to get through the first few days or weeks, or however long it takes you. Listen to your instincts - especially when you don't like what you have to say! Heed your advice. Don't give in! Taking your own advice will help you rebuild your self-esteem. An antidepressant often helps you stay on track and do what you have to do during this tough time.

If you know that a relationship is not good for you, stick to your guns. No matter what promises are made, they will be broken. Don't let your wishful thinking, your guilt, your sorrow or your empathy lead you down another dead end path. People don't change overnight. Unless you've learned some new skills, or your partner has been really working the program in therapy, if you go back with your abusive partner, it is only a matter of time before the relationship goes right back to where it was, or becomes worse. Know that you will wake up one day and find yourself in the same hole you are in today, but deeper. If you run your life with your head instead of your heart, you will emerge stronger, wiser, and more self-confidant.

Now is the time to learn from your mistakes. Above all, learn to listen to yourself and take your own good advice.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos, Copyright© 1999. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at [email protected]

October 15, 2006
11:10 am
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needtoheal
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THANK YOU STRONGINHIM.. IF YOU GET A CHANCE I POSTED MY SITUATION ON THE THREAD "2ALONE.. PLEASE READ THIS"//

THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT AND ADVICE...

October 15, 2006
11:14 am
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needtoheal
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AND IF YOU GET A CHANCE I JUST POSTED ON THE THREAD aNYONE HERE.. I NEED SOME HELP.. THAT WILL GIVE YOU AN UPDATE AND SEE THAT I DO HAVE A LOT OF INSIGHT OF WHAT I AM FEELING AND I AM TRYING TO WORK THROUGH THESE FEELINGS.. UNFORTUNATELY I HAVE HAD AN EX-HUSBAND THAT I DIVORCED AND WHILE I WAS IN THE PROCESS OF DOING SO I MET THIS MAN....
MAYBE I NEVER HEALED OR DEALT WITH THE FACT OF HAVING SUCH LONELY FEELINGS WHEN MY KIDS GO WITH THEIR DAD ON THE WEEKEND... BECAUSE I ALWAYS HAD THIS GUY....

THANK YOU... YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION AND I WILL KEEP MY HEAD UP....

SOMEONE CHANGED MY NAME LAST NIGHT FROM NEED TO HEAL TO i WILL HEAL... SOUNDS APPROPRIATE......

October 15, 2006
11:26 am
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needtoheal
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THANK YOU TAJ64 FOR THINKING OF ME AND OFFERING YOUR ADVICE... I REALLY DO APPRECIATE IT......

October 15, 2006
1:03 pm
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gracenotes
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NeedtoHeal,

It really is an addiction, and it will take some time to get through withdrawal, but it does get easier with time.

I am going on over three months of No Contact. There have been so many positive changes in my life, my health, my state of being, my relationships with others, my ability to work effectively. It is totally worth it going through the short-lived pain. The pain will not go on forever.

Just as taj64 said, those things that we do to maintain connection can only ultimately hurt us and prolong the pain. No Contact is realy such an empowering thing and, being here on this site, you will have plenty of support to get you through this.

October 15, 2006
8:11 pm
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needtoheal
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THANKS GRACE NOTES FOR THE SUPPORT...
UNFORTUNATELY I HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS BEFORE WHEN I DIVORCED MY ED-HUSBAND... THE PAIN DID GO AWAY (ALTHOUGH WE STILL HAVE TO BE IN CONTACT BECAUSE OF OUR KIDS BUT THAT HAS EVEN BEEN BETTER BECAUSE I JUST KEEP REMINDING MYSELF THAT HE HAS HIS OWN LIFE AND THAT WHATEVER PROBLEMS COME UP THEY ARE HIS PROBLEMS...)
AS FAR AS THE EX-BF WELL THAT HAS BEEN THE MOST RECENT PAIN.. I KNOW IT WILL GO AWAY...
IT JUST REMINDS ME OF MY PAST ...
SEEMS LIKE I AM GOING THROUGH IT FOR A DOUBLE DOSE....
THANKS

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