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This is what I said at my meeting last night
October 31, 2009
11:27 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Last night the "testimonial" was from a couple he was an alcoholic and she was codependent. He had had affairs, she had pretended they didn't happened. She stumbled across his recovery journal and read it and found out everything, they worked through it and just renewed their wedding vows for their 50th anniversary.

When we went into our small groups the women went around and shared what they identified with. I asked to be skipped at first. Another woman shared that her husband had cheated on her multiple times and that she felt if she had been prettier, kept the house cleaner, done this or done that maybe he wouldn't have cheated. One woman even said that she was glad her husband had been an alcoholic because it led her to Al-Anon and ultimately to Celebrate Recovery. Then it circled back to me. This is what I said:

I used to be very involved in the Episcopal church. I was a a chalice bearer, I was on the alter guild, I organized a women mentoring women tea and had a guest speaker come in, I taught Diciple Bible Study, I attended Cursillo. I gave and gave and I was empty inside. No one was helping to fill me back up. I sat in church every Sunday for two straight years, praying Dear God, there is something wrong with my marriage, I don't know what is wrong and I don't know how to fix it. I either need you to fix it or I need You to help me fix it. I was married when I was 22. 6 months into to marriage I tried to tell my husband it wasn't what I expected and he, being 8 yrs older than me told me this was real life and I need to grow up and be an adult. We were married for 14 years and divorced in 2004. Now he is my best friend and the best "big brother" an ex-wife could have.

From him I entered into a reltionship with a man who started dating his current girlfriend in October of 2007 and I didn't really find out about it until April of 2008. I feel empty. He stole me from me. I don't feel womanly, I don't feel sexy. I feel androgynous. At that point I addressed the woman whose husband had cheated on her, she was crying but I told her I knew exactly how she felt, then I choked up and was unable to continue.

Celebrate Recovery is all about you. You can only state your feelings and no one give you any feedback. I just thought I would post it here. It hit me that I was cheated on and my world fell apart right as I was turning 40. A lot of women go through a bit of a "crisis" at that point in their lives. I didn't because I was so overwhelmed with everything else going on. Then my dad got sick and died. I will turn 42 in January. I want to be a different person by then. I want to feel like a woman, I want to have the world by the horns like I once thought I did. I want to be sexy. I want to be ALIVE!

Bitsy

October 31, 2009
11:27 am
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OOPS Clicked wrong button.

Bitsy

October 31, 2009
12:18 pm
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Martin Eden
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Bitsy,

Wow! What a story. I totally understand where you are coming from as far as being betrayed. It does mess with your head, shakes up all of your core beliefs, and starts to question your esteem. My favorites are the "if" questions you ask yourself. If I was this or if I was that it would all be different. I understand now that is bull&%#!.

Your meeting sounds pretty cool, I like the way it is broken up.

Yeah, I'm in your boat in the age dept. I start with a 4 too! Which doesn't freak me out but does remind me we ain't getting any younger. Really it's just a number.

It does help to remember that this day is a gift; I completely buy into that. No matter how upside down I think my life is...it isn't compared to folks with real problems.

Hope you have a good day!

November 1, 2009
12:41 am
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chelonia mydas
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Hi Bitsy,

I'm glad you were able to share that tonight.

Sending you hugs and support

November 1, 2009
12:28 pm
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fantas
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(((Bitsy))), I'm so glad you were able your story as well. I so sorry that you don't feel like a woman because by all accounts here you are all woman. Keep at it and know that this man did you wrong, not because you aren't beautiful but because he is too sick to know better. His girlfriend is now the recipient of his insecurities and he will probably deal her the same blow in due time. Hang in there and keep posting. Will you be going back to the meeting?

November 1, 2009
12:36 pm
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Fanta, I attend Celebrate Recovery every Friday night that I can. On the Friday nights I have Cat at home I don't go.

Bitsy

November 1, 2009
3:49 pm
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fantas
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Bitsy,
Good for you for finding a good group. I attended alanon and CodA and it took me almost half a year to say anything and then all I could do is just ball. I think this was the first time I actually cried publicly. Everyone seemed to know exactly what I was going through and I fell in love with all those people there. I had never felt anything like that. Amazing how much suffering and struggle can create empathy in others. They weren't uncomfortable with my crying, they just waited me out.

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