Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!!!! zax again
October 26, 2006
1:03 pm
Avatar
Loralei
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Zax,

Have you ever wondered why P is allowing outsiders to influence his relationship with you? Why does he value their input more than he values your relationship? And why is he so secretive about what they actually discussed with him and who it was he was talking with? And since you were the subject at hand, you have every right to be involved in these "discussions" since it affects YOUR life and your relationship. YOU did nothing wrong!!

I totally understand your wanting to stay with him. But if you plan to stay, you need to stop making excuses for his behavior. Become aware of what it is he is actually doing. Try your best to practice detachment with this relationship. The only person you can control is yourself. Just be prepared by knowing that his pattern of behavior will continue no matter what you do or don't do. So quit blaming yourself everytime he's upset about something. He creates the chaos and the drama. Don't let it get to you. When he finds out that you aren't going to go to pieces everytime he is unhappy about something, and that you don't care what "others" are saying, he may develop more respect for you. Men don't respect doormats.

Also, your life is too wrapped up in him. Even your class revolves around his being there and probably the reason you joined it in the first place. You need to find at least one other activity that does not include him in any way. Whether it's a night out with your girlfriends or joining a club or whatever, it doesn't matter, but you need to have a life apart from him. This will make you more attractive to him whether he realizes it or not. You have to be a whole person on your own. You are not a half of a person searching for your missing half.

You need to work on YOU. Work on getting over being a codependent individual. Learn to trust yourself. Learn that you can be a happy, fulfilled woman with or without any particular man. There are many fish in the sea. Don't think P is the only handsome charmer who is good in bed. You will learn that he can easily be replaced by a better version. Keep your head up.

October 26, 2006
1:04 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

"No wonder P wants nothing to do with me."

South, if one of us said that, you would be gently, but firmly, pointing out the obvious, bottom line: P has manipulated and staged this entire mini-drama as an excuse to push you away because you had been intimate the day before.

GET IT??? I know you get it. You are highly intelligent and you are superb at helping each of us on these threads to push through the smokescreens projected by our toxic partners (or former partners) and find the Truth. Now, do it for yourself, as well.

Don't let your fear of losing this guy squash your right to be honored, valued and supported by the man in your life.

October 26, 2006
1:57 pm
Avatar
Loralei
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

One more thing. Someone else mentioned that sensei may have designs on P. That makes a lot of sense. No one would get that involved or be that interested in your relationship unless they were wanting to get their hooks into your boyfriend. I'm sure P is loving the attention from two females who want him. In fact, if any of the other people who called him were also female, they may be interested in a piece of him too. You said he was handsome. And when they see that a relationship has been injured, the vultures will start circling.

October 26, 2006
2:06 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

This is from past experience in my life... Men who behave as P has/is tend to "compartmentalize" the people (women) in their lives. It appears that he shares things with them that he does not want you to know about and vise versa.

If you communicate with them... you may hear things that he is up to that you have NO IDEA about. Along the same lines... he does not want THEM to know about things that he shares with you, especially that you are still in a physical romantic relationship with him. He likes it when the left hand does not know what the right hand is doing. If you get too friendly with them, it may blow his whole "act" out of the water. He seems to be pitting you against each other. ON BOTH SIDES!

I give him a lot of credit. It's working like a charm!

October 26, 2006
2:10 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

He is not the reason I joined in the first place. I joined for me and I go for me, not because he is there or he isn't. I have been going for seven years, been with P for four. The dojo is not there to serve our relationship, it is in my life as something I do for me.

How many times do I have to say it? I STARTED this! I did it! I DID IT. I called her with information P expected me to stay quiet about - I had never used anything he told me before to go to the source, so he was hurt and angry that I betrayed his trust. Was his reaction fair? NO. But it was understandable. So he isn't telling me the rest of the story because now he thinks he can't trust me. Is that fair? NO, but also understandable.

I turned this whole thing into a big deal and now I have to let it go. I didn't mean to, it was an accident, and that's that. P will either get over it and forgive me or continue to believe other people. What else can I do?

October 26, 2006
3:29 pm
Avatar
Loralei
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

tc66 hit the nail on the head! I am all too familiar with being compartmentalized. No doubt that is the real reason P was upset that you spoke with sensei. He is enjoying having sensei's attention and you "invaded" the compartment he had that relationship going in. He wants to keep the two of you separate even though you say you've been going to her class for 7 years.

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!! All you did was try to straighten out an obvious misunderstanding. Where on earth did sensei get the notion that you were trying to make P quit the class in the first place??? And now, she and some others are causing him to question your relationship? What gives them the right to get involved in your personal affairs? They are the ones who are invading your privacy. YOU are the one who should be upset about the drama that others are creating out of nothing.

When you called sensei, you were not betraying your bf. You were not revealing some secret to her or doing anything that would undermine P. For him to no longer trust you because you were looking out for yourself, is ridiculous. He had no basis for expecting you to stay out of it. This matter involved you to begin with.

You are so deep into denial that you can't see what is so obvious to everyone else here. You did not cause this drama. It sounds like P is just using this as an excuse to distance himself. They'll use any excuse that comes up to keep you off balance. It's part of the rollercoaster ride he's got you on. These men all operate alike.

Start making a list of all the times he's pulled this sort of thing on you. Don't tell me this is the first time your relationship has run into some rough waters. Keep a diary, detailing everything that happened. When it's in black and white, maybe you'll start to see what the rest of us see. If you choose to stay with him, you need to know what you are dealing with and stop enabling him.

October 26, 2006
4:32 pm
Avatar
healintime
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Zax,

Loralie, TC - sounds like we were with the same man... I actually wonder sometimes on tehse boards whether any of us have even dated the same person. Not impossible and sometimes the similarities are spooky. There most certainly is a "type." I hope to God that type isn't my "type" anymore.

Zax, I'll be offline for a week (out of town at a wedding). I hope, hope, hope that you find some peace - and that you can take a deep breath and look at the situation afresh.

H.

October 27, 2006
8:59 am
Avatar
feelingfree
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

healintime~

I just thought the exact same thing yesterday when you wrote:

>>>I lived that pattern of (no crime) and punishment for two years. The depths, depths, depths of misery. Sometimes it took me weeks to figure out what had prompted the outburst but it was usually my setting a boundary or inchoing my way to feeling whole. He always seemed cheery when I was miserable.

Oh could I relate! Also noticed then when I took all the blame on myself and apologized and acted pathetic (when of course I shouldn't have), he LOVED it. Guess it made him feel powerful.

October 27, 2006
9:58 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Healintime and feelingfree...

I also found myself apologizing for things I did not do!! He would say something ridiculous to me, like "It's your fault I am sick with pneumonia because YOU upset me, you've been driving me crazy so my immune system was down. I was so distraught over YOU that I went to the bar to try and drink away my troubles and I wound up picking up a girl and taking her home... and sleeping with her. She had pneumonia and I ended up catching it from her... so it's all your fault! If you didn't upset me in the first place, I never would have gone out!!!!!"

After fighting over this ridiculous scenario (literally making myself SICK with confusion and anguish) for what seems like forever!!! I'd end up hating myself for being so cruel and stupid and I'd apologize profusely for upsetting him and making him sick!!!!!

He'd have to "take some time" to think about whether or not he was going to forgive me... which would make me even MORE upset! So, I'd try and REASON with him about why I upset him, how I could do better next time, etc.... and then, he'd be the bigger person and let me back in his life, making me feel like he was doing me the biggest favor on earth!!!! After all, I was unworthy of his forgiveness, his attention and most of all, his love!!!!

In all of the chaos and drama... I somehow forgot one important fact; He SLEPT WITH ANOTHER WOMAN!!!! He created all the smoke and mirrors so that I would not focus on that part! It worked, too!

It is called CRAZYMAKING!!!! Repeat after me... C-R-A-Z-Y--M-A-K-I-N-G!!!!!!!

October 27, 2006
11:26 am
Avatar
Loralei
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Did we all date the same man or what?? Yeah, I apologized all the time for him hurting me. Mine would go back to an exgf and have sex with her. When I found out, naturally, I was distraught and upset with him. He not only betrayed me but didn't let me know what was going on. He even denied it until I produced proof. Then he blamed ME for being too emotional and causing all the drama. So of course, all this was MY fault and like an idiot, I apologized. When he pulled the same crap a 3rd time, I finally came to my senses and dumped him. Just waiting for Zax to realize that it's never going to stop. When the pain becomes too much to bear, she will end it and move on, just like the rest of us.

October 27, 2006
11:47 am
Avatar
feelingfree
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

tc66/Loralei~

Doesn't it just feel sooo much better knowing it wasn't 'us'?
And Amen to ending it and moving on!
Just ran into my x-N last weekend (after NC for 7 months) and he was making his move on some nice woman.. I felt sorry for her.. wanted to walk over and say 'DONT DO IT!!!'
lol

October 27, 2006
4:48 pm
Avatar
Honolulugal
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Loralei!

You are a riot! I dated the same man as you and TC.

Funny how that boy DOES get around. I'm in total agmt with you both (you too, FF).

My guy wasn't a cheater but boy could he manipulate me. Button pusher extraordinaire.

Glad I'm out? Yep. Miss him still? Yep. Hope I won't always, but I'm prepared for it.

I'm in a healthy relationship now and almost don't know what to do with myself. No drama? No crazymaking? A man who is kind and thoughtful of ME? Hah, can't be true.

But it is!

October 28, 2006
11:07 am
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I wanted to share this posting I came across from Ladeska.

Ladeska
28-Oct-06

GOOD FOR YOU!!! This life - is precious, Needtoheal - and we have to be very quick about what we do and very determined to say - my butt's on fire I need to put it out and let our NO be "BO"!!!!

It all depends on how much strength you have to really "be awake" and alot of people don't have that energy. They make bargains, deals, compromises, lie to themselves.....and they die a very slow and painful death.

It's not worth it and we wonder why we arrive at - bitterness in our old age. Well - duh!

It's also about how much energy do you have? And alot of people are so webbed into their prison that they truly do not have the energy to escape it and that's very sad to me. And I see it and recognize it. In their mind, they kinda want to, but they no longer have the strength it takes or the will - to actually do it. So IF you have "that", then you need to MOVE and keep moving.

You can't help people in quicksand. About the only thing you can do for them is sing to them, tell them a pretty story, keep them as comfortable as you can because all their execuses and lies believed - means they will die right where the stand, in the muck that they make excuses for and there is nothing you or I or anyone else can really do for them.

I see it all the time, and I know when to just back off and go - well......yu have made your decision and I have to stop trying to make you - make another decision. You have to respect the person and I do.

People choose to die even while they are still living and I don't have the magic wand for that one. Don't profess to. I give to the living. The ones that still have strength enough.

People think they can co-exist with someone who drains their strength through a big straw everyday and it's like - do the math. The toll will come. It will manifest in you and you cannot and will not - outrun it.

If you don't strike when the iron is hot and run from what is attacking you and poisoning you very lethally, then you might as well just look yourself straight in the mirror and say - I condemn you to a brutal death, because that is exactly what will happen. What do I define as a brutal death? Good questions. LIving a life where - YOU never really lived.

People think they can do that in slo-mo and make little tiny corrections here and there and kind of co-exist with their tormentor but - it just doesn't work. The lies work that tell you can do this and win......the denial works but the theory doesn't make it - fact.

You can't just take an aspirin every day for a raging infection.

But you first have to really realize that you have a drastic infection. But people make deals with themselves and their abusers. It's a mystery to me why they can't do the math, but they can't or won't.

And basically I watch them die. They, all the time in horror at what's happening to them but at some point in time - they had their hand around their own key to their own prison and didn't act on it.

I'm sorry for their pain, for their wasted life, for never really caring for themselves like they should have but - at the bottom of the barrel is always this core belief inside them that says - I deserve this and I could have done something better, been better, etc. I can't help people with this if they don't want to help themselves.

So if YOU will ignition into your very being - then Good for you!! You are one of the very few.

I don't blame these people or feel hard at them or anything like that. I feel very sorry for them that they are so blind and that their energy is all used up and all they can do is make excuses, make deals and grovel for one more day of a simblance of - peace.

They gain an inch of ground and call it a mile - but it's an inch and it will soon be taken for them. I dare not tell them the truth. They don't want to hear it and it's too late anyways. Why bother? You sing songs to the dying because there isn't a window there anymore. They closed it very willfully, a long, long time ago.

October 30, 2006
10:14 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Zax, I hope you are doing ok.

October 30, 2006
11:03 am
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

South is very depressed and facing a huge mountain of disappointment, loss and grief. We all care very much about what you are feeling right now, South. We know the tough decisions you are facing. Please come back whenever you need us. We will be here. Stepping away from a toxic relationship is NEVER easy, never simple. When you are ready, we will be here to stand by you. We understand that each of us has her own Timetable.

We know you are hoping for a zero-hour miracle or reprieve from having to give P up.
Love,

Ma Strong

October 30, 2006
12:07 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am not going to talk about P here, anymore, at least for now. I don't want to hear what you all have to say. I appreciate the time and energy and emotional investment you all have made in trying to get me to see the "truth". But I have said before and I will say again, I am not ready to do this, and I just don't want to. So these are my final thoughts on the matter:

Yes, you're all right, there is something going on at the dojo that I don't understand. P is being sneaky and underhanded, and his behavior doesn't make sense. And his angry reaction keeps me from trying to find out what is really going on. But, we talked again, and he said he was done with it, and that he wasn't going to hide our relationship in the dojo. So I don't know what to make of it all. It is quite possible that sensei has mental designs on him - she is married , but I guess that never stopped anyone. Clearly, she is jealous of me and my relationship with P, there's no mistaking that.

As far as sensei's meddling in my personal life, I guess this is nothing new. I was shocked at my purple belt discussion two years ago, at the intensity with which she used my relationship with P as a wedge issue, so I guess I should have expected that she hadn't let it go - she is clearly upset with me and is no longer speaking to me - I said hello to her in class on Thursday, and boy, if looks could kill, I wouldn't be typing this.

The bottom line is, I just don't understand what the real issue is. I know there is a conflict with sensei, but when I try to talk to her, it's as if I am speaking in a different language - she hears the words but construes them to mean something else entirely. I am insulted and angry that she can not or will not come to me and discuss me with ME, and I can't trust her not to go to P with anything I might try to say to her. So there's nothing I can do, short of dropping all of them. And, as I said before, I don't want to do that.

Please understand that I simply can't or wont deal with this now. I am not going to discuss P or this mess anymore because it upsets me too much. I can't think or breathe and I get shaky and sick to my stomach. I feel completely betrayed and I am tired of my private life being on public display or as public fodder for advanced belt discussions. It has nothing to do with them. Anyway, I am getting off-track.

My point is, this is not life or death. I do not have to decide to do anything today, tomorrow, next week, or even next month. I feel too much pressure from you all (although well-intentioned) and it is making me panicky, stressed out, and hyper-anxious. I work myself up into an emotional frenzy here, thinking all kinds of horrible things, and it's not helping me. I can't do this right now. Ultimately, yes, I will have to end things with P AND the dojo, but for right now, I need to leave it alone. I need to be able to function, and I'll need to be able to function without him and the school in my life and I can't yet. And I can't afford to be unable to function. I will lose my job, my house, and whatever dregs of self-respect and self-esteem I have. My mother will try to take care of me, and I will bankrupt her if I can't take care of myself. And I'll never be able to live with that.

So I may not be around much, I have too much to deal with to come here and feel constantly stupid and self-destructive and under attack. I know you mean well, really, and I know there is "truth" in some of what you say - but none of you are living my life. I have to live it. Sorry if I sound angry, I am just tired of second-guessing myself, P, people I thought were my friends, my decisions, etc., etc. I'm tired of it all and I can't deal with it now.

October 30, 2006
5:27 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You will be missed. God bless you and give you peace.

- Ma Strong

October 30, 2006
8:35 pm
Avatar
southgoingzax
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 79
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Now I feel like I need to apologize.

I'm sorry, for not being willing to listen. I am sorry for not wanting to take your advice. And it really does mean a lot to me that people here care so much. But really, I mean it, I just can't do this right now. I just need to drop the subject of P and the dojo. It doesn't mean I wont be around and reading and even posting from time to time, it just means that I am trying to give myself a break from the torment. I hope everyone can understand that - if I can't, even with everyone's support here, break up with him, then at least I can try to put the focus back on me and what I can do for me. I hope you all can help me with that.

Again, I'm sorry for being angry. I'm just tired and stressed out and more than a little scared for my mental health - I am on really shaky ground, and I could use some positive reinforcement. I'm doing what I can.

Thanks,

zax

October 30, 2006
9:32 pm
Avatar
lovingmom
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Zax - I have been keeping up with this thread. I haven't posted because I don't have any good advice to give, but I just wanted to let you know that I think you are doing the right thing by focusing on you and just letting the rest of it be for a while. You and your well being are more important than anything else. Just take care of you and your needs and get to where you need to be. I'm glad you aren't leaving for good. I have really appreciated your input on my situation and would hate to see you go.

October 30, 2006
11:52 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Hi Zax --

I replied to you on my other thread but haven't heard back from you, so thought I'd look for you here.

It is 8:50 p.m. Pacific time... not sure where you are but I think at least an hour later than me.

What did you want to know about anti-depressants? They can be very helpful if you get one that works well for you; you may have to try a couple to find the right one.

I'm happy to talk about it either here or on the other thread.... I'll be in and out here tonight.

hugs to you, from kroika

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
38
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111092
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38645
Posts: 714471
Newest Members:
graydor, doctorelvis, lion heart, thomson, BenjaminGresham, answerhope
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information