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THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!!!! zax again
October 25, 2006
1:10 pm
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southgoingzax
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If anyone was following my need help post, you guys know the story about my sensei telling P that she heard I was going to make him quit, and then I called her to straighten it out, and then P got upset that I did that:

MYABE NOW YOU WILL UNDERSTAND WHY I FUCKED UP.

I went to class last night, P didn't go because he didn't want to deal with this "nonsense", as he said. SO, I went and I behaved myself perfectly. I laughed and had a good time with the people I worked with, I worked hard except for basics, because my knee was bothering me, but other than that, I never grimaced or pouted or did ANYTHING that in any way indicated that I was upset. I chatted with my friends. I stayed late after class to work on club. I felt pretty good about sticking it out, relieved that nothing happened, sensei seemed to be over it, so I thought everything was fine. And then I get this email from P:

Whatever you are doing regarding this recent issue it isn't working or
helping. I have received several phone calls of concern from people in
the dojo, some late last night and some early this morning.
I wasn't at the school so I can't imagine what happened. I don't know
again if everyone is overeacting but this issue is being magnified and
extended to the point where it is becoming painful.
I thought that saying "Don't sweat it. I'm done with it," would end it
but that isn't happening.
What more do I need to say or do to try to finish this episode? Can I
please request that you just drop it? Please don't say or do anything
more regarding this issue.
To say this is all so so stupid is an understatement.

WHAT????? Someone is out to ruin my life!!! Can you believe these people? AFTER I HAD A DISCUSSION WITH SENSEI ABOUT THE FACT THAT ISSUES THAT CONCERNED ME NEEDED TO BE ADDRESSED TO ME, apparently she and several other(?) people decide that P is the one they should talk to about this? This is unreal! This is a fucking nightmare! There are actually people out to get me, to RUIN MY LIFE! Who would do such a thing, after I just asked her to please talk to me rather than P about things that concern ME?

Where is the disconnect? I feel like I am in the twilight zone, and I called P and I told him nothing happened, that these people are clearly overreacting AGAIN and that I did not say or do anything to make them think anything, but he now says he doesn't think this is working out - the dojo or our relationship. THESE FUCKING PEOPLE are pushing him away from the school, and from me. HOW CAN THEY POSSIBLY THINK THEY ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING? THIS IS SO MUCH BULLSHIT I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!

I DO NOT DESERVE THIS. I AM A GOOD STUDENT. I WORK HARD. THAT'S ALL THEY NEED TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT AND HOW DARE THEY?

So now maybe you all understand why P was upset with me for calling sensei. Maybe now it's clear that I am dealing with entirely non-rational beings.

P and I talked and agreed that I am not going to go to class on Thursday. And as he will be gone the next week, he's hoping it will blow over by then. I also suggested that we no longer talk to each other before, during, or after class - to basically act like there is nothing between us, so that there is no fuel to add to the fire. I feel completely backed into a corner about this - there is NOTHING I can do to defend myself against these VULTURES. If this keeps up, I will quit - this is total bullshit.

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. Can anyone explain to me what the hell is going on?

October 25, 2006
1:16 pm
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southgoingzax
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And, to know that these people are making P question whether he should try to continue a relationship with me - I feel like I am going to vomit, I am so angry. AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO. Anything I do will just make it worse.

October 25, 2006
1:55 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dang, South -

Too many people not leveling with you and -- I suspect -- some key people are lying to you, as well. Sounds like the "Sensei" is a Major Problem in this mess. Obviously two-faced.

One other thought did occur to me: is it possible that Sensei (and others) might actually have some "issues" or problems with P that you are not aware of? That he might have hidden from you?

Sounds to me like you should change to another dojo. It just ain't worth the hassle and the stress to remain there, just to qualify with the "best" (where it means something, etc.)... Is it?

Also, a word of caution. It is a VERY common behavior of narcissts to turn against any organization, group of people or individual who knows too much about them and sees beyond their projection of being "perfect," EXPOSING them as flawed. They simply cannot handle that and will lie, rage, denounce and smear the entity who exposes them. If P is a narcissist, (and he sure has demonstrated alot of narcissistic behaviors), this would be a classic case. And HE is the one causing most of the problem/drama. Be very, very cautious in how you react. Do some quiet and calm homework and find out who is doing the talking and trouble-making here. Verify your sources. Go straight to the horse's mouth, wherever possible.

By the way, why didn't P go lastnight? Or did I miss that?

Assume nothing. Trust no one, especially not P. Find the Truth.

- Ma Strong

October 25, 2006
2:00 pm
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StronginHim77
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I believe P's decision not to go lastnight is kinda odd and definitely contributed to the problem at hand. The more I think about it, the more I see how his NOT SHOWING UP could have made things infinitely worse. Why doesn't he see that???

That's probably what got everybody talking...his absence reinforced the rumors flying around. Somebody probably called him and asked him (since he hadn't showed up) if he really and truly was quitting (or being forced out of) the dojo. I think he is being less than honest with you about those "calls" he claims to be getting. Maybe one friend might have called him to ask...such as that other woman there who is so interested in him? I remember you telling us about her.

October 25, 2006
2:02 pm
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StronginHim77
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It's almost like P is looking for reasons to rip into you. With a narcissist, that is called "blaming," when they try to place the blame for their own misbehaviors or actions on their codependent partner. Classic. PLEASE GIVE ALL THIS SOME THOUGHT. DON'T ASSUME P IS INNOCENT. HE IS TOO GOOD AT PUSHING YOUR BUTTONS AND SNOWBALLING YOU. HE HAS DONE IT SUCCESSFULLY FOR 4 YEARS.

Sorry if this has offended you, but I am trying to look at this objectively. I don't know any other way to help.

October 25, 2006
2:04 pm
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StronginHim77
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And why the heck shouldn't you go to class Thursday??? Best way to stop gossip is to show up and stare them right in the eye. Always. Hiding, (as P did lastnight), just throws more fuel onto the fire.

October 25, 2006
2:06 pm
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StronginHim77
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I think he is using this entire nonsensical (and possibly distorted) situation to bring you back under his control. Think about it. He's got you petrified that he may sever from you because of this incident. WHAT NONSENSE! You don't desert someone you love over something like this. You stand by her in unity, until the accusers back down. Don't let him use this as an excuse to make you feel guilty and responsible again. That is his classic pattern with you.

October 25, 2006
2:07 pm
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StronginHim77
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I think P did not want to show up there lastnight because he is ashamed that Sensei (and possibly others) know he cannot be trusted with confidential information? Again, classic narcissistic behavior.

October 25, 2006
2:51 pm
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southgoingzax
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I am so confused, strong, I don't know what to do.

I thought that me going was the right thing, that it would show them I can deal with this and get on with my life - and I acted perfectly reasonably. There was no way anyone (except someone who knew what had transpired) would have thought differently.

I agree that P not showing up seems odd, but I know him - he hates gossip and talking about emotions with people, so he was trying to avoid the situation. He was trying to avoid having a direct conversation with any of them. But at the same time, it certainly raised suspicion - I think several people asked "Where's P?" at the beginning of class.

I just can't beleive this. I just can't. I feel like my whole life is falling to pieces over a stupid phone call - I can't believe anyone would think it was helping anything to call P. This is so much shit.

I'm sorry, strong, but I don't see P acting in a narcissistic way - when I really thought he was abusive, I read a lot of books on it, and he just doesn't seem to have those traits. Maybe I am missing something, but on this I understand his anger and frustration. What hurts me is that he seemed to have beleived these other people without asking me what happened - that he said, "so all these people are just imagining this?"

I feel so helpless, I just want to scream - I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

This is ridiculous junior high drama and I can't beleive this is happening to me. What the hell is going on?

I think that if I go to class after P asked me not to, that it will seal the deal. But I wonder what will happen in my absence. And, you are right, that this school is ridiculous - I don't need this shit in my life. But that is one more thing to lose, one less thing in my life that made me feel grounded and gave me a sense of community - as if losing P wasn't bad enough.

October 25, 2006
4:28 pm
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southgoingzax
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I guess I am calmer. I am going to take the dog out on a hike. I guess maybe this all makes it easier - I just end my old life alltogether - then I don't have to see P, don't have to drive to the dojo. It's too bad I don't want that. It's too bad that all of this happened. I don't want to think about it, it makes me want to cry and throw up and scream all at the same time. Maybe in a week this will blow over. I don't know. It's too much for me to bear. I left work, I am home, and I just don't know what to do. I can't find out who called him, it's clear to me that everything I say is on record, I am being watched every move I make. This is just awful, more awful than I could ever have imagined.

October 26, 2006
12:30 am
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StronginHim77
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How do you know if he is telling you the truth about how many people called him? It may have been just ONE person???

-- Strong

October 26, 2006
12:37 am
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southgoingzax
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But P doesn't lie to me.

Does that sound naive?

He said he had a phone call at 10:15 pm and another one at 7:45 am.

He didn't, wouldn't say who it was or the specific attack. I am guessing either sensei or someone sensei told about the phone call, called him once.

And I am hoping the second phone call was from his black belt friend, because I had mentioned he may not be in class for the next week, to her, since she was planning out our training and was assuming P would be there. But I didn't say why he'd be gone. So I am hoping, that the second call was her, asking what he was up to.

Of course, I don't really know what happened, who called, what occurred. I don't know that it matters, just that someone could do this to me is enough to make me want to curl up in a ball and stay in bed.

October 26, 2006
5:28 am
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healintime
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Zax,

This sounds like high school. Make that middle school. And the only indication you have that anything is 'wrong' right now is via P.

There are some things that I just don't understand - why won't he tell you who called and what they said? Why, for that matter, didn't he go to the dojo as per usual?

Sensei probably did call him - as did the person he was meant to be training with. That's a no brainer - if she's been worried he's going to quit - she would call to check in. If he's a regular and it was unusual for him to skip she would probably call anyway. Don't you see? By not going he has made it look like you have, indeed, forced him to stop going. If he was meant to be training with someone, naturally they would call to say what's up, too. He's behaving like a three year old.

For that matter, I don't see why, given that you're back together, he didn't just take you by the hand and walk in there with you. That would have been the end of it. Done. Instead he is perpetuating the drama. Again. And blaming you. Again.

You did nothing wrong by picking up the phone. You did nothing wrong by going to class. P threw a s&^*t fit over nothing because he was in the wrong and got called on it. Then he decided (HE decided) not to go as he usually does, knowing that you would be going - after this whole thing was about your supposedly "forcing" him to quit. What on earth has he been saying about you relationship at the Dojo that he couldn't just walk in there with you as a couple.

Added to which - you guys have been together FOUR YEARS. I don't understand, if there are photos of married couples on the walls, why you have to pretend to be virtual strangers at the Dojo. That's idiotic and disrespectful of you and your relationship. Who cares if you're dating? It's not a new thing, right? If you're skulking around, people will be curious. If you're upfront and obviously a couple - after four years - you're wallpaper.

As for all this "gossip" - so far you have P telling you about a private conversation he shouldn't have (maybe he chose not to go because he lied about the context/content of that conversation and your calling Sensei meant he was caught out - did you consider that might be the reason for the over-reaction?) Now he's mad at you -again- for something you didn't do. Again. Any minute now this is going to be "Phonecall, the Musical..."

Zax - it's ridiculous. And classic, dyed in the wool narcissism. P is "upset" over "chaos" that -he- caused and -he- is perpetuation - and is blaming you for it like a three year old. Narcissists are genius at causing complete chaos and then rolling their eyes at it and talking about how unacceptable it all is.

Look what P's getting out of this right now - people are calling to check in on him (attention). You're hanging by the phone, waiting for him to tell you he forgives you WHEN YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!! And he's being utterly juvenile - and telling you that -you're- the one being childish and behaving badly and it is all your fault (attention -and- control).

Zax you're a couple and P were really interested in stopping the madness, he would have fronted up -with- you, worked out and taken you to dinner afterwards.

H.

October 26, 2006
7:42 am
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feelingfree
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Well said, healintime!!

October 26, 2006
8:22 am
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This is so completely frustrating to watch happen!!! From the outside... this is all completely juvenile, manipulative and insane!!!

Zax, It is called CRAZYMAKING for a reason!!! P is making you crazy. He's causing you to doubt everything you know to be true. He's blaming you for the fallout of HIS behavior!!! He is blowing the situation out of proportion to make you feel guilty and make HIMSELF feel justified in dumping you!!! Ugh!!!!

He is not worth this pain you are going through. You are sinking into a bottomless pit of depression and self-loathing because of this sick, twisted person's lies (You say that he doesn't "lie"... well, he certainly does not tell you the "truth"!! He refuses to be COMPLETELY honest with you about who, what, where and when!!! WHY??? Why the secrecy???)... So, in my opinion... it is a LIE BY OMISSION.

He is not only the one single handedly creating all of the drama... but he is BLAMING you for it! He appears to be a classic Narcissist! I know you refuse to see it, but PLEASE... at least admit that he is dishonest, self-absorbed, cruel and manipulative.

Take the focus off of HIM and put it on to yourself. He is TOXIC! The people at the Dojo are probably asking INNOCENT questions... making ROUTINE phone calls and working with information that HE, HIMSELF has provided them!!!

Do you REALLY think that people have that much spare time in their life to worry SO MUCH about someone elses' relationship??? ONLY a narcissist would THINK that other people care THAT much about them and their lives.

Please, open your eyes Zax! It's difficult to see you in such a complete state of denial...

TC

October 26, 2006
8:55 am
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healintime
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Zax - hope you're feeling better this morning. I'm thinking of you and sending you good thoughts.

I've been there Zax - with a man who set up situations that were unbearably painful, and confusing, and disorienting and intimated that it was all my fault. At the moment - if it's too hard to read people's perceptions - maybe look back and read what you've written over the last few days:

>>>I chatted with my friends. I stayed late after class to work on club. I felt pretty good about sticking it out, relieved that nothing happened, sensei seemed to be over it, so I thought everything was fine.

Everything was fine. Your instincts are right. You were chatting, you didn't talk about your situation with P - you got on with the job. Sensei probably was over it.

>>And then I get this email from P:

From P. P upset you. Everything at the Dojo was fine. If people were uncomfortable/curious/treating you differently - you are sensitive enough (especially at the moment) that you would have noticed.

>>> Whatever you are doing regarding this recent issue it isn't working or helping. I have received several phone calls of concern from people in the dojo, some late last night and some early this morning. I wasn't at the school so I can't imagine what happened. I don't know again if everyone is overeacting but this issue is being magnified and extended to the point where it is becoming painful. I thought that saying "Don't sweat it. I'm done with it," would end it but that isn't happening. What more do I need to say or do to try to finish this episode? Can I please request that you just drop it? Please don't say or do anything more regarding this issue. To say this is all so so stupid is an understatement.

You didn't say, or do, anything. You had a good session. The only thing out of the ordinary was P wasn't there. His choice. Are you responsible for his choices as well as your own?

>> WHAT????? Someone is out to ruin my life!!! Can you believe these people?

>>Where is the disconnect? I feel like I am in the twilight zone,

What pepole? P won't even tell you who and what they said - which is unreasonable, given how short he is in his email to you. You were there. Things were fine.

>>I DO NOT DESERVE THIS.

Yup, you don't. You really don't. Zax, I bet that people aren't nearly as invested in your relationship as you think they are. Aside from sensei - have there ever been any other incidents to make you think that the whole dojo is "attacking" you?

October 26, 2006
9:01 am
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healintime
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The only person you can be sure is directly causing you heartache right now is P, Zax. Until you, yourself, hear or see anything at the dojo that makes you uncomfortable it's smoke, mirrors, hearsay and manipulation.

October 26, 2006
9:02 am
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Hi Zax,

I just re-read your original post explaining what caused this situation.. to be honest, I had not completely understood it the first time around- so this time I took it much slower. Now I get it.

You know what thought I had when I got done reading? I thought.. I can't believe after they were just intimate...this happens.
And that was the lightbulb moment.

Zax- I don't know about you, but my experience with my ex-N was that every time we would get "back together", or start making some kind of headway.. some SMALL incident would happen, as small as me saying something 'wrong', and he would have a shi&-fit, and then I was completely CUT OFF and cut out of his life, period. He would shut down, give me the silent treatment and it was OVER.

I would try e-ing, calling, no response, give up. Months would go by, and then either I'd crawl back (and he'd gladly take me back), or he'd come back (still blaming me, but nicer.. ready to "FORGIVE" me.)

I'm just wondering if you see the same pattern with P? Just seems funny, right after you were close on your bday- this small incident happens and he's willing to close the door again?

Just food for thought- maybe doesn't apply to your situation.. but it reminded me of mine..

(((Zax)))

October 26, 2006
9:13 am
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healintime
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Ugh,

Free - I know that pattern. I lived that pattern of (no crime) and punishment for two years. The depths, depths, depths of misery. Sometimes it took me weeks to figure out what had prompted the outburst but it was usually my setting a boundary or inchoing my way to feeling whole. He always seemed cheery when I was miserable. He was.

H.

October 26, 2006
10:54 am
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Zax,

I find it hard to believe that your bf isn't still in middle school, because that's the way he is behaving. I still can't figure out why he is upset. He seems to be exaggerating his self-importance. I agree with some of the others; I highly doubt that the people in your class are that interested in his and your personal life. Certainly nothing beyond a mild curiosity at most. He is making much ado about nothing.

Reading your posts brought back a lot of memories from my last relationship. It was also an emotional rollercoaster and I never could figure out what was really going on. I would also get the silent treatment for no apparent reason. He would distance himself. He made me feel that he was doing me an enormous favor by having sex with me. One day he would be attentive and interested in me. The next day he would be secretive and aloof. He was very passive-aggressive with a lot of narcisissim thrown in. He made a lot of promises he never followed through with. I finally had all I could stand and ended it. Yes, he was also handsome, charming, fantastic in bed and so very likeable. I'm still not over him and it's been 5 months with no contact.

It sounds to me like he is just using you. He evidently doesn't love you or he would have "said it" by now. He doesn't want to go to class "with" you. Doesn't want the others to think you are a couple. Sounds like he's trying to keep his options open so he can date other women. He can't do that if they think he is attached to you. IMO, he is looking for excuses to make it YOUR fault when he breaks up with you. He is setting the stage for that. But he probably likes keeping you around for the sex until he finds someone else.

You are in a toxic relationship and no matter how perfect you are, he is going to continue his pattern of behavior. You keep making excuses for him, saying none of this is his fault. But 100% of it is HIS fault. You are just in denial because you are in love with him. And you will probably endure it until you just can't take it anymore. Having a bf is supposed to be an enjoyable, fun experience. Not heartwrenching. Yes, the highs, the good times are amazing!! But they are few and far between. Most of the time you feel like you are in limbo, not knowing where you stand or what's going on. You always feel like they expect you to apologize for something you didn't do. Everything is always somehow YOUR fault. Nothing will ever change. When you finally come to your senses like I did, you will end it, just to get your sanity back. It is so hard to leave these guys. But harder to stay. I'm sorry you are caught up in this. I know how much it hurts.

October 26, 2006
10:55 am
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South -

I am hoping that you are OK. Heck, ALL of us are worred about you. Most of us have stood in your shoes and know the agony of not being able to "fix" a toxic relationship, despite our frantic efforts.

I have read all the postings on this thread. Healin, FF and TC all make sense. Their observations and insights are reasonable. I would guess that none of our postings are what you want to hear. However, I believe that they are what you NEED to hear, to help you climb out of this nightmare, back into a life of peace and wholeness.

I was (briefly) married to a narcissist, two years ago. Within just HOURS of saying "I do," he began the crazymaking which nearly destroyed me. With the help of a supportive, no-nonsense psychologist and my two sons (who saw right through him because THEY are not codependent, so could SEE what he was doing to me), I managed to sever the marriage and face life on my own. It scared me to death. I was so "invested" in that marriage and felt like a complete and utter failure. (Again, being codependent, I took complete responsibility, despite knowing he was a narcissist.)

Today, (two year later), I look back upon the whole mess and feel amazement that I was (1) so blind to what he really was [I was in denial because I NEEDED that relationship to be OK]; and (2) so afraid to leave him and start over. Today, I wouldn't hesitate. I can read all of his "red flags" and will never tolerate a man like that in my life, again. He nearly made me crazy.

But, at the time, I was devastated. So, I can relate to the pain you in right now...the panic...the fear. But you can get past it. You can heal.

October 26, 2006
11:53 am
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southgoingzax
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no. he didn't create this situation - I did. I called sensei and I shouldn't have. I made a mistake. Also, although I didn't "act" inappropriately, I also didn't go over and make nice with sensei, which is what I should have done. I am still angry at her, and I'm sure it showed - to those who knew about the phone call, which is likely everybody. She uses her inner circle to discuss people outside of it all the time. I have seen/heard her do it. So while I was surprised that the phone calls were made to P, I guess I really should have expected it.

Yes, he overreacted - but I don't think that acting as if we are not a couple is a bad idea - they have been talking about me this whole time, I'm sure. Maybe if they think we aren't together, they will stop calling P to discuss ME with him.

He is overreacting now, he hasn't responded to my emails and he probably wont call me....I'll probably have to call him next week when he gets back from his vacation. It's just a set-back, hopefully.

I don't WANT to be without him. If we're really through, so is the rest of my life at the dojo. I will have nothing I consider important anymore. I will have nothing. And I am so tired of having nothing.

Yes, okay, if this were a normal dojo and P and I were in a secure place, we should be able to go in and be a couple. But it has been made clear to me by sensei that she hates couples (pretty much only this couple, P and I). So it will just continue, the yammering, unless they have no reason think P has anything to do with me.

I do need him. I need him and the dojo. I have nothing else. I hate everything about my life except for these two things, and maybe I don't care anymore who has the power, I just want everything to be allright.

If he's a narcissist, why hasn't my therapist ever said that? I can't think right now. I can't. THINK. I am not going to work today. I don't know what to do.

I don't know why I am telling you all you're wrong, I don't know why any of this is happening, except that after one day of being happy, I make a stupid, rash phone call and now everything is falling apart. I am not better. If he's so horrible, why doesn't anyone else see it? Maybe it's just my perspective, maybe from someone else's, it isn't what it seems. My mother thinks that yes, he's overreacting but that he was justified in being upset, and that he will calm down if I just give him some distance and time.

He's not telling me who called or what was said because I can't be trusted not to go to that person and blab - unfair, but I see why he thinks that. Yes, he made matters worse by not showing up on Tuesday, but he just wanted to avoid a confrontation. I think I've spent too much energy blowing this out of proportion, maybe? Maybe he'll go to class tonight and allay all their fears about him leaving and then everything will be fine.

The whole point isn't that he overreacted, it's that I called sensei to make it clear to her she needed to ask me, not P, about me. And then she or somebody goes and does it - that's the real issue. P wouldn't create this drama, he hates drama, but he is adding to it. I don't know what else to say, except he's not a woman-chaser, he's not out looking to score - he barely has time to do laundry, he just isn't that kind of guy.

So you all can shake your heads at my incredible stupidity, I am not saying this is right, I am not saying he acted admirably, but this is my doing. He didn't create this drama, I did. He may be making it worse, but I certainly got the ball rolling.

October 26, 2006
12:05 pm
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Wow! I wish you could step outside of yourself (and your misery) for ONE MOMENT Zax to see this situation from a different angle.

You made a stupid mistake??? You stood up for yourself by making that phone call. There is nothing wrong or stupid about standing up for yourself when you feel you've been wronged. Actually, it is the RIGHT thing to do. YOU are the only one that is looking out for YOU!!!

He is teaching you a valuable lesson here. He's teaching you that HE makes the rules. You do not. HE will tell you what you can say to who and when... and if you do not follow these rules... he will make you pay. He is punishing you right now with the anger and the silent treatment. He is making you believe that you DESERVE this punishment. You do not!!!!!!!!!

This is a free country (I'm assuming you live in the U.S.). You can (and should) speak your mind!!! You did everything right. You did everything I would have done if I were in the same situation. The only thing wrong here is P!!!! He is being incredibly abusive to you right now! Don't you see that?

He is not a nice person.

Please print out these threads and show your therapist!! I'm sure she may change her views about P with all of this information in her hands.

October 26, 2006
12:33 pm
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southgoingzax
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i did print out the thread, and gave them to her, but she just leafed through them, she didn't read them.

I'm not saying he's right, I'm not saying he's acting like a loving, supportive bf, because he isn't. He is concerned with keeping himself out of the emotional turmoil that I STARTED. Calling sensei out of anger was not right - I thought I thought it was right at the time, but even as I dialed her number, I thought to myself, "you know, I really should calm down and think this through". I didn't. I acted in haste and from an emotional place and I was not pleasant on the phone, I was upset and she knew it. The rest of it, well, maybe I did look pissed off. Maybe I should have been able to contain my irritation better - I even thought to myself at one point during class that I didn't want to look upset, so I'd better straighten up. SO probably anyone who knew what happened (which would have been everyone) would have known I was upset. But instead of talking to me as I had asked, they called P. That is not my fault, but I should have looked happier. I didn't hide the fact that I was annoyed, at least not all the time, and of course they are all watching me like vultures, so they thought they knew what was going on.

I can't speak for P's reaction - it was cruel of him to assume I did anything, but he knows me, he knows how transparent my face is - I am not good at hiding my feelings. I did the best I could, and I didn't think I looked any more pissed off than I do any other class, but if they had a motivation, they could have clearly made a connection from my face to what I was feeling. I do the best I can, but it's never enough to hide myself from these people. Yes, I really do think sensei at least, invests that much time and energy into our relationship.

I don't know what'll happen. I don't know what P will say tonight. I emailed a friend and asked her to keep an eye out.

P is reacting the only way he knows how - it is not right. It is mean and hurtful and he is only concerned with himself at this point. But I did it - I took information that he passed along to me and got emotional and decided to stick my foot in it - I can't deny it, I screwed up. And this whole mess is happening because of it. No wonder P wants nothing to do with me.

October 26, 2006
12:58 pm
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StronginHim77
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<-----banging head on mousepad in frustration. SOUTH - You did NOTHING WRONG. Sensei is an egomaniacal woman with designs on P and P is a narcissist who is milking your codependency to cover up his own screw-up and dishonesty. - Strong

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