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this is making me CRAZY
August 21, 2001
6:22 pm
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distracted
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I'm back again. Right back where I was when I posted iuraia'sjka or whatever the hell I called it. I've tried to do the things everyone says to do - I journal, I tell myself that I'm not going to think about that stuff right now, I think happy thoughts, I distract myself, I tear up magazines, I try to breathe. Nothing changes - it just grows. I've been sober for almost 9 years now - and never have I felt so close to losing that as I have lately. And how does my mind work? Oh, well drinking wouldnt' be good - you would lose all that time and hard work - so you'll have to use something else..!!!! What the fuck is wrong with me?!? Everything inside of me is screwed up - everything I feel makes me angry - there is no other feeling right now - other than emptiness. I'm scared of myself either way. There is no explaining my rational - my partner is a cutter - she cuts to release the pressure - to deal with the pain - and I see how hard that is on her - and I know how badly she wants to stop - but I've found myself jealous of her. She has a way of releasing the pressure. She can get relief. I can't even believe I feel that way. It kills me to watch her go through that - I don't know how to handle it - yet I am jealous of it?!?!? Yeah that's a sane way of looking at things. Everything in my life comes back to this old stuff - every problem I have goes back to that - and i'm so fucking pissed off that it's like that - things i don't even realize - totally influenced, controlled, triggered by all that shit that happened 20some years ago. Now I know that - I can see that now - why the hell can't I stop it?!?!?

I am so tired of this.

August 21, 2001
6:27 pm
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Ladeska
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And so.....what door is it that you are resisting opening? You're putting a great deal of energy into resisting something.....what is it? All this frustration and anger is about something very specific, isn't it?

August 21, 2001
6:31 pm
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distracted
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I don't know - I guess it is - I just don't know what to do about it. That damn EMDR just stirred things up - I don't know what to do with it all. I don't feel like I'm resisting anything though - it's all RIGHT THERE - resisting isn't really an option at this point. Other than grasping the concept that what I remember could possibly be true.

August 21, 2001
6:33 pm
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Ladeska
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Unfortunately - the way we usually work is - we don't get angry when we see lies within ourselves - we get angry when we see truth presenting itself and we really, really resist it when we know something illicit is buried within us. I think we get pissed off at ourselves for a time. Like it takes time to process, to accept, to deal with the initial blow that how we patted everything down 20 years ago - might have had a flaw in it here and there - and there might be - a major flaw in it....that holds the whole lie together.

Sometimes lies are important because a child tells itself whatever fairy tale in order to keep from disentegrating into a thousand pieces. No, it isn't fun when you go back to tear down the castle walls....it usually does - piss one off quite royally. I speak from experience. *smile* Brat No. 1 here in that dept. wasn't pretty..... But, sometimes you need to do what you need to do in order to arrive at a quiet place...a time when you can receive the truth - whatever it is and take it into yourself.

August 21, 2001
6:34 pm
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Ladeska
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Your last statement - is precisely what I am speaking of....

August 21, 2001
6:38 pm
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distracted
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but what do you mean by "sometimes you need to do what you need to do in order to arrive at a quiet place.." - i don't know what that means - it's one of those things people say - deal with it, do the work, embrace it...what the hell does all that mean?!?!?!? trying to accept this stuff - when i think about what it means - when i think it may be true - i want ot put my hand through a wall, i want to throw my monitor across the room, i want to drive my car through a tree - i don't understand this.

maybe some of that bad water will settle things down.

August 21, 2001
6:39 pm
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Ladeska
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So....if you "believe" - what does it say about "you" as a person? And will this truth change your world in a drastic way? Do you fear all this?

August 21, 2001
6:46 pm
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Ladeska
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I just adore you, even when you're ranting...(smile) I know, you hate me when I smile at you right now, well that's just too bad...

Anyways, what I mean, little missy, is that - your tornado has to spin it's way out of you. It's your defense system that you built against the world a long, long time ago and now - it's being challenged as not being good enough to keep everything out - even if it's the truth. Everything is suspect as being bad, especially things labeled truth. I suspect - whoever hurt you - had quite the shroud of goodness around them, as a trusted person by you, close into you...

So, if that were true, the defense system you've erected is shaking violently right now and you can't hear much - but that noise. You're scared of everything that moves because - what do you trust? Who do you trust?

I know it's loud where you are.....believe me - I know...wish I didn't, but I do. It sound scarier than it really is and there is another side to it. It's a forest and you will get through it...only if - you want truth.

If you don't - then things will scab over and wait until another day when eruptions will occur again. I think you're ready to plow through though. Am counting on that. So what - if you look like a nut?! Big freaking damned deal! People will get over the shock value at some point, you'll get new drawers because you blew the seat of the other ones out and eventually all your hair will grow back where you pulled it all out and I don't think they keep you in jail for very long for running naked down through the middle of town, but haven't done it in awhile, so maybe things have changed....(smile) C'mon...you can smile just a wee one at me, can't you?

God, you're stubborn....remind me of myself and that's pretty scary....

August 21, 2001
6:53 pm
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Ladeska
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Let me give you a word picture....to help you understand where you might be right now...

If a child, say of 6,7,8 years old had something very traumatic happen to her - by someone she trusted - what might her reaction be?

Might she just curl up in a ball and get really quiet? Maybe?

But, maybe that's not her personality. Maybe she got really angry, wanted to throw things, wanted to rail at the world, wanted answers right now because nothing she could put together with a child's miind - made sense. You think she'd feel rather hurt, angry, frustrated and totally trapped or what?

Do the "feelings" sound/feel familiar?

August 22, 2001
11:25 am
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Ladeska
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A war torn soul
struggles to free itself
from a prison made
with small hands from
pieces of truth
built into walls
left behind as a "code" to follow
when the adult self returns.
Bricks laid one by one
on top of another
fashioned largely
from what-is-told-to-her mortar
given by manipulative hands
suggesting her imprisonment
was justified in order that
the criminals themselves
may go free.
Allowed to live inside the castle walls,
by a child utterly consumed with
ghosts and shadows of the past,
her tormentors weave clothes for her
made from threads of spider webs
slowly trapping her, sucking all life
and liveliness day by day, night by night...
They watch their prey because
she does not remember....
Her defense system built and in place
she locks herself inside her tower
and waits for what she does not know,
when one day
while standing beside her only window
this frail small child sees someone approaching
someone who walks with familiar footsteps,
whose eyes are her own,
who traces the "code" left behind in the wall
with her hands and recognizes the wolf
beneath the cover of lamb inside the walls
of her fortress....she pauses...
looking up into the eyes of her child
and and the tornado within begins to spin
as the child readies her defenses and
turns them outward toward and cries with
rage that even she - doesn't understand.
All that she has believe is starting to shatter
and quake as if the foundations of all she knows
will fall down around her...the tornado spins.
As the intensity increases their eyes meet again
The drawbridge can only be lowered from within
by the one who built it.
Weapons aimed, eyes locked, truth has come to call
and take the prisoner home.
It feels like death to the already frail child,
trembling with much fear now, the fury grows.
The woman stands at the gate and waits....until
all is consumed by the fire of truth, of hope
until all that remains are the two halves of one
and the pieces to the puzzle of a life laying
on the ground.
They both tremble and for a moment it looks as if
they will both go their separate ways,
The moment of truth is never comfortable.
To coin a phrase, sometimes it feels like you
have to let go of everything you were,
in order to become everything you can be...

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