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This feels different
February 11, 2003
8:14 pm
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I don't want to get my hopes up but I have felt very different about Elvira for the past week. I just don't seem to care about our relationship anymore.

I don't hate her. I'm not really angry with her. I'm not treating her badly. I can't avoid her at work. And, I still answer the phone when there is no easy way to pretend I'm somewhere else. When I can, I just let the phone ring and give her some excuse about why I wasn’t there to answer it. When we talk, all I hear is her self-pity and constant criticism of me and of everything else in her life. I try to be pleasant and offer advice when I can. But, I'm just tired of her.

For a while, she was so wrapped up in her own problems that I don't think she even noticed my attitude change. She has become a little more affectionate during the past couple of days. I don't know if that is a reaction to my attitude. Or, she still may not see the change and it is just the latest phase of her game. In any case, it doesn't seem to be having much of an impact on me. I can still turn and walk away from her without a word at the end of the day. I can still hang up the phone with just a simple "goodbye," when I know she is expecting something a little more endearing.

One change I have seen is that she becomes angry with me a lot more often. I guess she doesn't like some of the things I say or do. I used to be so worried when she was angry with me. Now, she can be mad and I just don't seem to care.

We have had highs and lows before in our relationship. I have said before that I didn't care. But, somewhere deep inside I was afraid that the attention, affection and calls would stop. I think I still craved the I love yous and the physical intimacy. Now, I never tell her that I love her just so she will say it back to me. And, I no longer reach over to hold her hand when we are in the car or even hint that I want to play in a sexual way. She hasn't given up telling me that she loves me or touching me when no one is looking. But, the passion inside me has disappeared ... gone. I used to worry so much about her affection or the lack of it. Now, it feels so weird because it means nothing to me.

I know that Elvira is a narcissist and a master at her game. She has always known where my buttons were and how to push them. Maybe she just isn't really trying very hard right now. Or, maybe something really has changed inside me. I guess time will tell.

February 11, 2003
10:05 pm
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Feels alot better than pain, confusion, hurt, or guilt, doesn't it ? Knowledge is power, power to de activate the buttons.
The last time I sat with Sybil,it was like watching a re run, or watching the monkey in the cage? Observing the show, knowing the moves, the fruit and crap tossed, but never touching you. As time passes I feel more cmfortable, and confident, the saddest thing of all is that there is not one thing that I miss. Except perhaps my garden,pitiful,no? Getting off a roller coaster does feel strange, but once your head stops spinning, I wonder why I got on.

February 12, 2003
12:06 am
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INDIFFERENCE....the game is OVER.
Now to work on what you want and a game plan to get ther jwt. Hope you keep feeling this way.

February 12, 2003
7:51 am
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It is a good thing JWT to finally be at this point with Elvira. Now you can look at the situation from a different point of view and try to figure out what your next step is going to be. I can't remember if you ever said but have you and your wife ever been through marriage counseling? I just know how miserable that both of you are in your current situation. Things need to get better because you both deserve some happiness. I'm glad that you are seeking God's help and comfort. I know that you will get through this and you will be able to help others going through similar circumstances with your testimony. Hang in there and don't give up.

February 12, 2003
8:01 am
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jwt,

well done on reaching this point. You've won through. I so wish I was at the same point in my battle. Keep it up, enjoy the freedom.

February 12, 2003
9:45 am
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JWT~

I can see you feel pretty strange about your internal change of view concerning your relationship with Elvira. I like best how Molly describes it. You are observing the game now, not participating in it.

Just sit back and feel the feelings you are having now. No need to overanalyse yourself here. It is part of the distancing you needed to move your relationship with Elvira from sexual to business type contact.

You're doing fine.

*smile*

Jenny

February 12, 2003
9:45 am
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JWT~

I can see you feel pretty strange about your internal change of view concerning your relationship with Elvira. I like best how Molly describes it. You are observing the game now, not participating in it.

Just sit back and feel the feelings you are having now. No need to overanalyse yourself here. It is part of the distancing you needed to move your relationship with Elvira from sexual to business type contact.

You're doing fine.

*smile*

Jenny

February 12, 2003
1:08 pm
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Jenny~~~~~~~~~we heard you the first time!!! har har har!!!!

JWT~

This is the part we kept telling you about. TIME....it really does help. I too think Molly hit it, you are no longer a participant but only a mere spectator and you can more clearly see the bigger picture. Think of it like a football game. When you are on the field all you can see is the ball in play, the actions right in front of you. When you become the spectator, you are up in the stands, looking down on the game and you can see the whole playing field. Kind of works to your advantage don't you think. That's why they put the guys in the boxes over the field, so they can see what is really going on.

You have come very far, you should be very, very proud of this accomplishment. It means you are growing and learning. It means you are one step closer. Sit back and enjoy this feeling...it only gets better from here.

Be well. =)

Tracy

February 14, 2003
6:57 pm
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Valentines Day with Elvira has come and gone with a lot of mixed feelings.

We did exchange cards and small gifts. I worked really hard to find just the right card that didn't say anything about love. Her card to me didn't even make any sense.

The fiancee sent 6 roses to the office for her. I guess he was too cheap to buy 12. I didn't like seeing the flowers here in the office. But, it didn't really bother me as much as I thought it would.

The feelings I had for Elvira are gone or, at least, so muted that I can't even identify what I feel any more.

She acts like nothing has changed. She keeps telling me that she loves me. And, she wants me to hold and kiss her. I'm ashamed to say that I did. But, there was just no feeling inside me for doing it. It was like I was just going through the motions.
I know that I can't even go through the motions. That is what started all of this. When I first told Elvira that I loved her, I told her that I wasn't interested in a physical relationship or marriage. I just knew that I had feelings for her. She was the one who initiated the physical part of our relationship. For a long time, at the beginning, I felt like I was just going through the motions. Then, it just seemed to grow into something much stronger. I thought that physical affection translated into something on an emotional level. Like ... how could she do this if she really loved him? I learned over the years that there was something different at work inside Elvira that allows her to build walls inside herself. The physical affection with me meant nothing about her other relationship. Unfortunately, the physical part always meant something to me. Until I saw the truth, it was a source of confusion and pain. I am still confused but it doesn't hurt anymore.

Tonight, I felt like I used to feel when it started ... just going through the motions. But, two things are different. The excitement is gone and I know very well that it doesn't mean anything to her.

My wife is making a valentine dinner at home. I picked out a sweet card for her and a couple of cute little gifts that I hope she likes. I am going to do my best to make this a good night for both of us. Our marriage is such a wreck. But, maybe if I go through the motions with her, it will grow into something too.

February 17, 2003
11:26 pm
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So, not to be nosy, but how did it go, JWT? Oh who am I kidding? I'm being nosy! Hope everything went well and that maybe you found a spark to celebrate.

February 18, 2003
10:39 pm
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gingerleigh: You can be nosy about anything you want. How did it go?

Well, it went okay. By that I mean, we didn't have any huge fights or spend the night just not talking to each other.

She gave me a nice card. And she seemed to really like the little gifts I bought. But, was there a spark? No, the spark for me seems to be gone.

It's not her fault. I think she does love me. She is a good person and has been good to me. She was absolutely wonderful to my parents before they passed away.

I do care about her and, I'm sure, still love her on some level. I don't want to hurt her and would feel very guilty if I left her. Even though I can't seem to convince her, I know she would be better off without me.

For the past ten years or so, I have rarely shared my intimate thoughts and dreams with her. When I have, she usually says something in a "know it all" way that just shuts me down or makes me angry. She just gets defensive or acts hurt whenever I tell her that it bothers me. So, I have just stopped trying.

There is just no emotional connection. Most of the time, we are just like strangers living together.

Some other developments ...

We are going to see our daughter tomorrow. The plan is to take her grocery shopping and, maybe, out to dinner. She has been a lot more civil lately and I really looking forward to seeing her.

We had a huge snow and ice storm here over the weekend. Elvira and her daughter spent the weekend with the finacee. She sneaked away three times to call me and tell me how much she loves me. She keeps telling me how unhappy she is and how she isn't going to marry him. She says she feel trapped in the relationship because she feels like she owes him. She keeps telling me things that are intended to make me think that she really would rather be with me. But, she never comes right out and says it. Whatever ... it is all a bunch of BS.

I keep telling her that she is engaged now and she shouldn't worry about me anymore. I act very indifferent toward her. And, I try to steer our discussions away from our relationship to topics related to our job. I guess she is finally seeing the change in my attitude. I learned today that she told her best friend that she is afraid that she is going to lose me. Hey, this woman has already lost me.

There is absolutely no way I would ever want to be married to this woman. I feel sorry for her fiancee. And, I know that whoever eventually winds up with her will have a life of pure misery. As unhappy as I am, I know I would be much better off with my wife.

February 20, 2003
12:35 pm
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JWT~

I need to be practical here and tell you what I read into your post above. This is just my opinion and what I felt when I read your post....take it for what you will.

First~You don't have a spark with your wife anymore..fine, that happens, but you are trying to convince her she will be better off without you because you are trying to convince yourself of that, make her do the dirty work (file for divorce) so you don't have to take the blame nor feel the guilt.

Second~Elvira doesn't know that she has lost you yet because you haven't been that blunt with her. It's time to stop taking her calls completely. You have to work with her and just leave it at that. Absolutely no other contact. That is the only way to close the door. But I think you like leaving it open just a little, just to see what may happen. Say your wife leaves you and Elivira's fiance dumps her (because we know she won't dump him). Would you be curious? Would it work if you were both free? I hope you answers are no but I think you want that door left open just in case.

Again, take this for what you will. I've been there JWT, did the EXACT same things....that's how I know.

JWT, I think if you accept the guilt and what has happened. Know that you are good and worth being happy....you will see what needs to be done.

Be well and stay strong. You are doing well...I just had these questions.

February 20, 2003
10:17 pm
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tracylyn, I think you have pretty good instincts for what is going on here. I do have a little different perspective...

First, I really do think my wife would be better off without me. I know that I have been an awful husband. She deserves to find someone who will treat her like she should be treated.

I think it would be easy to get her to file for divorce. All I would have to do is tell her the truth about Elvira and me. But, I haven't done that because I really don't want to hurt her that bad. I am so ashamed of what I have done. And, I must still have some hope for our marriage somewhere inside of me.

Second, you are right that I have not been that blunt with Elvira. What I tell her is that her fiancee loves her and she really does love him. I tell her that I think they should be together. I tell her that their problems are nothing that will stop them from being married. And, I tell her that she should stop worrying about me.

What have I told her about any possible future for us? I have told her that it has been too long. I have told her that I would always feel like her second choice.

I have not told her that I could never trust her. I would always wonder if she doing to me what she is doing to her fiancee. I have not told her that I think her temper would cause huge fights. I have held my temper around her for far too long already and I know I couldn't do it forever. I have not told her that her financial irresponsibility and irrationality would be tremendous problems for me. And, last but not least, I have not told her how self-centered, selfish and manipulative she is.

Am I curious about what I would do if we were both free? I am no more curious about that that I am about jumping out of an airplane without a parachute.

I know that being with Elvira would be a nightmare. Why haven't I been able to close the door? I have no other explanation, I guess, except that I like the attention.

Your last statements have a lot of meaning for me. I have a lot of guilt about what I have done. I don't know if I can forgive or accept what I have done. Sometimes I wonder if I really do have a right to be happy, or, if it is even possible for me to find happiness out there somewhere. I know that these feelings began during my childhood. These feelings are buried so deep inside me that I don't know how to shake them.

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