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This Cruel Joke (The opossite of the Cinderella Story)
September 9, 2005
4:09 pm
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RaggedyAnn
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This Cruel Joke

this is a really strong story...

I am writing you this letter to tell you a story about a joke…. You know this joke wasn’t your ordinary joke, this joke did not make anyone laugh, actually it made everyone sad, this joke about a girl and a boy was a very cruel joke.

This joke was played on a very naïve, and trusting girl. You see this girl was so deeply hurt throughout her life that when she fell for this joke she did not realize that she would get hurt once again. You see throughout this girl’s life there was nothing but heartache, sexual molestation, domestic violence from one husband and infidelity from another. Throughout her relationships this girl hoped and prayed that she would find her happiness.

For a little while, she thought she did. She met this wonderful man, gentle, shy, kind, special guy, she was instantly attracted to him. They were very compatible, liked the same things, and enjoyed each other’s company very much. She felt his pain; she saw it in his eyes. She wanted to love him and let him know that she was there for him. That all the pain he suffered in his life, she knew she could not take away but she would help him heal. All she wanted to do was to love him in every way. She put her trust on this man, she trusted so much and believed in his words of love. She truly did believe.

For a little while she healed him, she closed his wounds, he told her so. He said “Baby I love you, you are every thing I could ask for in a woman, we will be happy together, Love”. There were many other notes about how she made him and his 2 kids very happy and much more. This man and the words he said to her made this girl very happy; she was at a point in her life where she felt so safe and secure with this man. That the chances she was taking with him were not in vain. She knew no one was perfect and so she overlooked the negative but remained in the relationship with him because she loved him very very much. She felt fulfilled by him, because he helped heal her wounds and her pain. The emotional pain that she was feeling from past relationships was healing and you could say was healed. For a little while things were good, felt right and this girl wanted to keep this going. She was open to the idea of spending the rest of her life with this man and so she even tried very hard, even harder than ever to make it right for him and his children. She bonded with his kids, grew to love them and him very much, she felt like a family with him and felt really fulfilled. When this man came with a ring, this girl was very scared. “Oh my God she said, what should I do”? She was very scared about the idea of marriage, but she knew how she felt about him and she felt it was her time to be happy and so she said yes and ran with it. She dove right in feet first and did not think twice. She felt very safe, secure, and happy and she wanted to take this chance to be very happy with him. For a while things were falling into place, everything seemed right, they went fishing something that he loved to do. She grew to love it too because of the way it made him feel, free and clear, his mind was clear. They had fun together, they went to movies, they went to aquarium with the kids, they went to museums and botanical gardens, they loved music and loved photography. They were inseparable; they made each other their life. At times the girl wanted to do things for herself, go out with her friends, go dancing because she loved to dance, take dance lessons, because it was something she loved to do for herself and her peace of mind. It wasn’t to pick up men; it was for her health and peace of mind, it made her free. Gave her freedom in a sense. She also wanted to continue her excercise in the gym because she wanted to take care of herself. But she soon stopped all of it and dedicated herself to him. She would go out with her friends but would come home earlier than usual. She did not want to continue her single lifestyle because she knew she had someone waiting for her at home. She wanted to show him she was committed to him. She knew they each needed their individuality and separateness, and she would tell him so. She encouraged him to go do his own thing, hobbies, music etc. He did not want to. He said the music business was a backstabbing business and he never got anywhere and he never made any money out of it. All in all he would not do any individual things for himself and came home from work and watched t.v. he did work on his music in the room and the girl left him alone. He was a very intelligent, talented man with many ideas that if he applied himself and not give up he would totally succeed. He is a genius and everything he touched turned to gold. The girl loved him for that. He was an inventor; he was wonderful in every way. The girl encouraged him to succeed, go get your GED, go take classes, do your business your graphics business that you like so much. The man did not take compliments very well, he did not believe in himself he did not think he was that good. Whenever the girl complimented him he would say that he did not believe it. The girl tried and tried to encourage him but it did not work. He did not believe in himself. Still she loved him so much and for the most part was happy with him….

But you see the happiness for this girl was short lived, he began to change, something was not right, he became distant, cold and aloof. He did not respond to her emotionally, she tried to figure out why. She thought maybe she was doing something wrong and so she tried and tried to figure him out and tried to make him happy. She thought it was her, she felt it was her fault because he was pulling away. The more he pulled away the more she tried to get closer but he just wouldn’t. Something was wrong, she felt it, but she kept trying to work it out with him. She felt emotionally deprived by him; he would not fulfill her emotional needs. A hug, a gentle smile, holding hands, an I Love you. She wanted to be loved by him, wanted to feel attracted to him and wanted to feel like a woman. She loved holding hands, especially when they walked down the street together. It wasn’t an issue for her but she just wanted to feel that in love feeling when a couple holds hands and walks together, that’s all. She thought the relationship was growing stale, she did not want that to happen, she mentioned to him that she liked romance, that she liked to be held that she needed his affections. She asked him, “how come you don’t hold my hand when we walk down the street together”. She wanted to feel like a couple romantic. He took it as nagging, “leave me alone, I don’t want to feel obligated”. This pushed her away. Her intention was not to obligate him but to let him know that this was what she liked and needed from him and that in a relationship you fulfill each other’s needs. She could have initiated it and many times she did but she wanted it to come from him. He did not like this, I guess she was asking for too much. The girl figured that if she left him alone, or pulled away, he would respond to her but he did not. Days would go by before he initiated a move on her. And so this girl felt deprived and felt a distance between her and this man. She wanted to connect with him stay connected, she believed that if the distance continued they would grow apart and that was what was happening. She got scared, she tried to tell him, “lets make up, lets not let this distance grow”, but he couldn’t and wouldn’t, he did not want to. There were other issues going on, he became suspicious of people, friends, relatives and more. He did not trust anyone, and there was anxiety, panic attacks and this girl did not understand why. “Don’t drink caffeine, or Pepsi”, she told him because she noticed it would make him very edgy and panicky. She grew scared that something was wrong and many times this girl was in doubt but yet continued to stay in the relationship because she loved him very much. Please understand, that this girl in no way is implying that she did not do anything wrong. She had her faults, she admits that sometimes her anger got the best of her but she did not intend to hurt him in any way. She admits that she was verbal in dealing with the man, and used hand gestures when speaking to him or stood in front of him or her facial expressions of frustration showed on her face at times. But it was a natural occurrence, she thought it was normal relationship arguments, it was not intended as a confrontation or meant to harm him in any way. It was just her normal, casual way of being. However, at no time did she threaten him physically, nor curse at him nor yell at the top of her lungs at him. She knew he did not like confrontation and so she tried to control herself very much. . She tried to work on her faults and read the bible for help and tried to apply bible scripture in her life because she wanted to make it work with this man. Soon it became aware to this girl that she had to walk on eggshells around him that she could not be herself around him and this made her very nervous because she did not want to ruin the relationship. She tried really hard to control her facial expressions, her hand gestures and even the way she said things around him. She tried to become mild tempered and leave anger alone and to put away rage as the bible instructed. She was trying really hard. But for her being normal and being herself to him was a problem. She was not perfect and it was impossible to be perfect and we all make mistakes and from time to time, her natural way of being was becoming a problem for him. She admits that she did block the doorway and held him back from leaving a few times when they argued and she realized that that was a mistake she should have let him go, but that was not intended to hurt him or keep him a prisoner. It was just that she did not want him to leave because she loved him and out of fear she blocked the doorway, she wanted to work it out. She wanted him to listen, because many times when she wanted to let him know how she felt he did not want to listen. When they argued, yes she would pace the floors back and forth but that was out of nervousness and fear of arguing and it was her way of not being confrontational in his face. She thought she was doing the right thing.

Throughout this time when they had little tiffs, the man would hold a grudge for days, the girl would try to feel him out and caress him and try to turn him around. She told him she does not like to hold grudges and that she likes to make up and move on from the argument. She tried to do this with him but it would not work. The man was emotionally closed up and she asked him how come he does not try to make up and he said “he does not know why, it is something inside him and that when he feels ready he will make up”. This created more tension and more distance because of the silence and so instead of drawing closer to each other, it pulled them apart. This distance made the girl very unhappy because she knew it was pulling him and her apart. She wished they could settle the issues and move on. She believed in not going to bed in an angry state. But he did, next day, they would not talk about the issues but just make like it never happened which was not good either because the anger and resentment was still there. He never apologized for anything, she would take the initiative and apologized because she did not care who was wrong as long as they made up. Throughout the ups and downs, she thought it was not so bad and so she stuck with it. Throughout this time from Sept. 2004 thru April 2005 she noticed the man was in a depression, some sort of funk, she did not know why. She attributed it to SAD (Seasonal Adult Depression) and thought he would come out of it. She asked him time after time what’s wrong, are you ok, he said to leave him be he’ll come out of it. The girl tried to leave him be but did not understand what was wrong, he zoned out, became distant, cold, and to himself. It affected her, she thought she had to try to make him happy and she tried. Not knowing why he was depressed she thought it was her. She left him alone., let him deal with whatever was bothering him and tried not to think it was her. She turned all the lights on in the house so that there could be brightness and maybe cheer him up. Every once in a while it worked. From September 2004 thru April 2005, this went on. He also had to work many long winter hours and do a lot of overtime. She understood this and let him be. Majority of the time the relationship was good, they did not argue much or even at all and they got along really well. She loved him so much and wanted to be his wife.

April 2005, she was on the couch with him and leaned over to him and said “baby I love you I want to get married” and he said, “lets get married”. She said are you sure? He said yes…she already saw him as her husband and he already saw her as his wife. God this girl was so happy. They went to city hall on April 7th to get their marriage license and they were both very excited and happy to do it. When they got their license they went to eat and celebrate at Junior’s restaurant. She told him “this feels right”, it feels right. She expressed her love for him and he expressed his love for her. They tried to set a date, April 22nd, May 6th, but there were many obstacles. Perhaps it was too quick, issues with his job, doing a lot of spring overtime, pressure from financial problems, and issues and worries about his kids, wanting to be a better father, fearing that someone else was taking his place and trying to set the date. After graduation time in the college, it has to be after May. Ok, we decided June 3rd which was after graduation and enough time because the license expired on April 7th. The girl wanted to do something nice for the wedding date. She wanted to invite his family and her family and wanted to celebrate this beautiful special occasion. She tried to find a reasonably priced hall and wanted to have a reception, he did not want that. He did not like crowds, got nervous around crowds and did not want to be the center of attention. Then she tried to do a dinner at a restaurant, but he did not want that either. He said there was no money. She understood that because of financial constraints he did not want her to pay for everything but at the same time she wanted it to be special. It was more than 10 years for her and getting married was special for her. Everytime she tried to talk to him about the date and buying some clothes or saving some money for June 3rd became a problem. She felt nervous bringing up the subject, he did not want to hear it. She felt funny about talking about it. Every time she did he got nervous, “baby you need to get a suit or a jacket for June 3rd”, he had one in my mother’s house. Wow, she thought, ok, he does not want to get a new suit. “Baby, you need to get at least a shirt or something nice to wear for June 3. He’ll get one the day before we get married. Then she started thinking wow; he is not putting any effort into our getting married. Does he even want to get married? She knew he wanted it to be simple but this was no effort put into it. The girl was making a dress, she felt like she was going to be all dressed up and he was not. He said he could get married in sneakers and jeans. All of that was fine with her but she wanted it to feel and be special not like a shot gun wedding, where we were there out of obligation. She asked him if he felt obligated to do this. This doesn’t feel right the girl was thinking, this is not right. What is going on? They got into little arguments, not big, the week leading up to June 3rd, memorial day weekend they went to eat a Mexican restaurant. Everything was fine, they ate, and the girl made a comment about the Mexican music that was playing on the jukebox…the music was pretty loud and the music gave the girl a headache, She made a comment to the man about how the music was loud and gave her a headache, and she motioned with her head in her hands that it was loud “wow, that boom, boom, boom is giving me a headache. The girl did it within earshot of the man, but he felt embarrassed and said the waitress and a customer saw her. He scolded the girl in front of his daughter, which was embarrassing to the girl. She said she did not do it loud and if somebody saw her big deal. She even apologized for it. But he remained upset. They sat quietly in the car and the girl did not comment about anything. When they dropped his daughter to her mothers house, he asked the girl what was bothering her, she said that it was the fact that he got mad that she made the comment about the Mexican music and that he scolded her in front of his child. She told him that she is not a little kid and that the one he should be scolding is his child and not her. He then asked if the girl had it out for his kids and she said no not at all. But that he brought food for her and she did not even eat it and that it was a waste of food and money. The girl did not intend to maliciously pick on his child but he took it that way. When they got home, the conversation continued and he became more distant and cold. It was like that for 3 days. Leading up to the night of June 2nd the man said he needed his space, he packed his bags and kept them in a corner of the room. The girl told him not to do that because that signified abandonment to her. He did not care and did it anyway. On June 4th, the girl went to her family’s house in the Bronx, and when she came home that night the man had moved out went back to his mother’s house with all his things. The girl was devastated by all this, she felt rejected, abandoned. The man went to a barbecue and made the girl feel like he did not care at all about the girl’s feelings. She felt betrayed by him. He came home that night and tried to kiss her, she pulled away. She was deeply hurt by all this. He said he did not feel comfortable in her house anymore and would not bring his kids there anymore. By June 6th the man stayed in his mother’s house and was very cold and distant with the girl. Are we still boyfriend and girlfriend, We can be friends without any expectations. What does that mean, the girl asked? Here I was your wife to be now you’ve reduced me to a mere girlfriend without any expectations. That meant no commitment to each other, no strings attached. How do you do this, I can’t. I want to see you, lets go fishing, lets try to re-connect. “I feel numb, I don’t feel anything for you”. I don’t desire you anymore as a man desires a woman. This is all the man said to her. Why, what did I do that was so bad? We hurt each other with words, but you make up and you keep on going, relationships have their ups and downs, no relationship is perfect. The girl tried and tried with the man to convince him to let’s stay together. He did not want to, my feelings changed; I don’t love you anymore. But how? How can your feelings change just like that? Please baby boy give us another chance the girl said, but he did not want to hear it. He wanted out at all cost and no matter what. “get the love you feel for me out of your heart”, get used to being without me”. Wow, why all this? What happened between us was not so bad, regular relationship bull shit the girl said. But he could not bring himself to forgive her or make up with her. He put up a resistance a wall so thick it was hard to talk. He invited the girl to a barbeque and at the barbecue he did not talk to her much, the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. The girl felt awkward, what am I doing here, why did he invite me here. The girl tried to reconnect with him but he would not allow it. More distance and coldness and it was difficult to even touch him. When she touched him he would flinch as if he were repulsed by her. All this hurt the girl very much because she felt so rejected by him and he did not show any remorse or anything about what they had. There was nothing in his eyes, he was blank in the face, and said he had no answers about anything, that he felt numb. “But it’s me babycakes, and your pal. Remember palomine. Forget about all that” he said, get me out of your heart. Wow the girl thought what is this? Why is this happening? The girl felt numb could not believe what she was hearing. This is a nightmare. How could anyone just shut off all emotion for a person off, and without the person doing something so terrible? It is understood, if the girl played him dirty or disrespected him in any way or hit him. But none was the case. How could anyone become so cold and frozen in their love for someone, and say, “I don’t love you anymore just like that. The past year did not mean a thing, nothing, nada…..What we had together did not count for anything. Now it is all gone just like that, with the snap of a finger. Strange that someone can do that and not look back and not feel anything. Was there love in this relationship at all. The girl thinks not, if the man was able to do this just like that and not give the relationship a second chance and not even try to work it out there was no love. The girl believed in “love never fails” and to stick it through, she was thinking of the marriage, being a wife and making it work. She was 100% dedicated to him, their marriage to be and loyalty to him; she does not know what happened here. She is disillusioned, devastated that her dream with this man did not come true. She is very disappointed that there is nothing, no communication, he totally cut her off and hates her. He cannot even be in her presence without feeling anxiety. What happened, what went wrong, did they burn each other out? Why, they were the perfect couple, they were good for each other. The girl wants to work it out with him, wants to see him, love him and tell him how much she loves him, he will not let her. He does not want to hear it. The relationship is completely over, where once she felt like a married woman, she now has to think like a single woman and be alone. She hates the loneliness, she misses him immensely. She is afraid that he will find another love and forget her. She is afraid that the distance between them is gonna make them estranged and he will forget her. All this why? Did he really fall out of love with her, why, what has she done. She tried and tried really hard to make him happy. That is why she paid for things, only because she was thinking as a wife. The girl loves this man so much, she wishes he would come back and try to make it work with her. The reason this is a very cruel joke because here the girl opened up her heart to receive love again and trusted and believed in words and deeds and then it was snatched up right under her. This letter is not intended to be a pitty party but an analogy of a relationship that should be together, because in the end love conquers all, that is what the girl believed and she wanted to be with him and love him and try to make it work. What a cruel joke that it did not happen that way.

This is a cruel joke because this man and woman were to be married, they had dreams, they were going to do fun stuff for the summer, they were both looking forward to a lot of happiness. They were going to buy a house, it was all going uphill for them. It is cruel because what has happened is so trivial that it can be worked thru. Nothing happened that was so detrimental so as to end a relationship. It was nothing that could not be worked thru. Cruel because where once this man loved this woman so much he now despises her. There are people who have gone thru so much worse than this and do not break up. They make it work, they try to understand each other and make changes for each other. The girl was willing to do that for him. Even go to counseling if that was what it took, put God in her life. But he does not want to, he is totally emotionally empty of her and she cries and cries for him and each night she looks at the side of his bed where he used to sleep and imagine him there and she feels around for him at night and he is not there and she wakes up at 4am each morning, the time he wakes up for work and wonders if he is ok, wishes for him to get to his job safely, and wishes she could give him a gentle hug and kiss goodbye and she wishes she could make his coffee the way she used to. And no matter what she wants to cherish every moment she has with him because in a second and with the snap of a finger it could be all gone. This girl feels so numb inside emotionally she is now empty because she no longer has this man in her life, she cannot believe this has happened and now has trouble sleeping, cannot focus at work and will seek counseling to talk about her feelings. She does not want to let go of this man but has to because she has no choice. But she loves him very much and wishes with all her heart that things were different and that he would come back to her.

This letter was written to say I love you to this man and who knows maybe his heart could change for this girl….and miss her and love her to. If only he could reach down deep in the bottom of his heart and think about all the good things of the relationship and that with love it could work.

Then End…..

September 9, 2005
4:21 pm
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taj64
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She is crying because she gave too much to this man and he didn't hardly give her hardly anything. It is sad story. The ending needs to be changed. She needs to love herself, and find a new prince, one that will return his heart and one that doesn't need fixing. And she will be happy and cry no more.

September 9, 2005
4:58 pm
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Anonymous
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I hope you did not send this letter. I hope this story is therapy for you and you alone. I hope you can wake up one day and see that this man did not deserve the princess in the story. This man was a toad disguised as a prince.

I know you probably aren't ready for anyone to badmouth him - so I won't go on - but please know that all your effort, all your trouble, all your work - should have gone to someone more deserving - someone who would give the same back to you.

it's hard let go of the fantasy we create - the picture perfect person we thought we found - but the reality is - once the honeymoon period is over - the reality sets in - and what you see is what you get...perhaps he WAS a good person, the prince you thought him to be - but people DO change - for the good and for the better. And the choice to change is ALWAYS in the hands of the owner - and the work it takes to change is ALWAYS at the hands of the owner.

this so called prince should have seen the princess standing in front of him - but he didn't - and that's his loss. The princess didn't lose anything - she got her freedom back - the freedom to dance - the freedom to sing - the freedom to go to the gym - the freedom to hang out with friends and make new ones - the freedom to not have to walk on eggshells - the freedom to be herself and not have to surpress her own thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I hope this princess lets her feelings flow - lets all the anger, pain and resentment out - I hope this princess gets in with a good therapist and gets to a 12 step meeting like CODA, AL-anon or ACOA. I hope this princess realizes how beautiful she is and all she has to offer. I hope next time - she reserves some of the energy she put into her prince for herself - that she balances her energies - so that she can keep her identity as a princess, instead of changing her identity to someone's slave.

I see a happy ending here - I hope the princess sees it soon as well!

September 9, 2005
5:49 pm
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RaggedyAnn
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Thank you all for reading my story...and commenting and no I did not send it to him...yes I am seeing a therapist who to my surprise told me I am co-dependent. At first I had a problem with that label and then started researching what that was exactly and found this wonderful site. The definitioni is me exactly. I don't know how I became that way. I am planning on attending a co-dependent meeting soon and buy the book by M. Beattie. I realize I have a lot of work to do....

alicat...thank you for your words they made me cry...

September 9, 2005
6:04 pm
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mamacinnamon
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What a sad story. Life is cruel. He didn't start out to become emotionally detached did he?

I do hope this girl realizes that this is not her fault. That this is something that has happened to him and not to her personally. She has lost her sense of self. Do you think she could decide to work on getting herself better? To work toward healing? What would it take for her to realize it's time to get angry; it's time to heal.

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