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Thinking of giving in.......
February 17, 2006
1:57 pm
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BegginMeg
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I just recieved a call from my boyfriend whom I left just 3 days ago. He sounds so great and I don't think he is using today. (although the day is not yet over.) He asked me if I got the bag on the porch. I knew nothing of if...(he dropped it off on the way to work this morning). It had the cutest little letter in it apologizing for screwing up again and abandoning me on V-Day for drugs. He said in the letter that he will not make any promises. He also said that he wants to grow old and have a family someday. There was also a cute little teddy bear that says I love you, and a box of my fav chocolates. He asked if I would like to go to dinner tonight with him. We haven't done this in months. I'm afraid to get excited and feel I will be left down if he never calls back. I miss him so much and I'm wondering if I should give him a chane to talk things through?? Please can someone tell me what they would do in this situation????? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!! Meg

February 17, 2006
2:02 pm
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butterflybaby
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Meg,

I posted something for you on the other thread that you just replied on. Also I would say do you think you can handle talking/seeing him right now and not letting yourself jump back in with him. You sound very vunlernable right now. It might be better to take more time for yourself now and tell him you will talk to him next week or all you can handle at this point is email or phone calls.

February 17, 2006
2:06 pm
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Abbey Lu
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he's shown that he cares for you, thats a start. Personally, I would not give in so soon because then he may think that he can always make up for treating you badly. He needs to know that its unacceptable and that he has to change if you're going to get back together.
Say you'd love to go to dinner with him but when he can prove he's made an effort to come off the drugs.

Good Luck - AL

February 17, 2006
3:41 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I think talkin things thru is always a good idea, BUT don't take him back yet. You said he did not do drugs today. I take it he is an addict and does drugs on a regular basis? I don't know which other thread you posted on, sorry. So, blindly speaking, but speakin as a woman who knows and has lived w/ an addict for many years.... IF you take him back he'll do drugs again. Addicts need time to get thru rehab, and yes, I would require rehab. Then you have to decide to live on a roller coaster if you are gonna make a life w/ him. The addict can give up drugs, but it is a daily struggle and most, in my opinion, do fall. What counts is if they get back up and try to stay off of them again.

There is nothing wrong w/ keepin a little space in there for now.

February 17, 2006
4:38 pm
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Shaney
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In my experience, Meg, you need to draw a VERY firm line in the sand when it comes to dealing with an addict. You need to have respect for yourself and what you WILL and WILL NOT stand for, because the addict isn't going to give you the respect you deserve. If you allow him to take advantage of you in any way, you will be setting a precidence, and he will push the envelope with you from then on. Make some firm promises to yourself and stick to them. Firmly let him know what you expect from him and the relationship. That's all you can do. If he doesn't respect himself enough to quit, he's not going to respect you enough to make the changes that you're asking for.

When my bf was addicted to GHB, I didn't take a firm enough stand in the beginning, and the drug abuse continued. Until I was really ready to follow through with any decisions based on his drug abuse, he couldn't take me seriously. Finally, I layed it on the line and told him that there were two things that would make me leave him - cheating, and continuing with the drugs. He knew I was serious at that point - I was ready to stand by my words. I may have been a catalyst in his decision to quit, but I wasn't the reason. HE had too much to lose - a career, a family, a home... all of which he worked very hard for. It was ultimately his decision.

Every situation is different, but you can't go wrong when you are doing what is best for you. Self respect and respect from others, comes from standing by what you believe. As hard as it may be, don't compromise what you know is right for you.

February 17, 2006
7:21 pm
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BegginMeg
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Thanks to everyone here who replied to this thread. I somtimes feel very dumb for asking questions when I only want to hear a certain response. It's easy for me to know what to do beacuse I have no expectations for him and anything he does. It's after 7PM here and I now know that the whole dinner thing was some kind of a ploy. Maybe he expected to get a call from me. I'm pretty proud of myself for not calling him when I hoped things would turn around over a nice calm dinner. But that's just it, how do I know it would have been calm or nice? I don't and I have to realize I will never be able to know for sure how things will turn out for us. It's the expectations and the surprise when they don't play out that gets me the most. I believe in most everything he says that has to do with us and when I'm shot down it hurts so bad. I have told him he needs rehab time and time again and he is in denial. He is so stubborn that he has to hit rock bottom (trouble with the law) before he decides it's time to make a turn around. This site has been my rock this week and I believe that God sent me here for the great advice and caring ways of others. Thank you again to everyone for your points of view. I will reflect on them for days to come. Meg

February 17, 2006
8:45 pm
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Shaney
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Wow, Meg - you really hung in there. I'm proud of you and you should be proud of yourself as well. It's SO rough sometimes, I know. Just always keep in mind that by giving in, you're possibly enabling him to continue with his addiction. If he really wants to change, he will... and until you see and experience the change, life for the two of you as a couple will always be a struggle. You're really doing great - one day at a time. Pray and hope, and I will too. :o) Love Shaney

February 17, 2006
8:46 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Meg:

I know you feel bad but please don't feel dumb. We all have our hope and when it doesn't come round then we feel the devastation down deep in our heart. Your feelings are normal for your situation. Know that we are here and we have been where you are. Take this and use it to rise above your situation. Overcome and stand tall Meg. You can do it. 🙂

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