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Things we make up in our heads?
January 1, 2006
2:59 pm
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bonni
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I spent the better part of two days obsessing over my friend. we went out the other night and had a really great time. i was dealing really well with our necessary relationshift drift to friendship. Understand, there is no more than close friendship, like siblings, but i developed stronger feelings while my dh was overseas and we were intimate, not sexual, which my dh and friend both know and understand. all three of us wish to maintain the friendship and the marriage.

Anyway, he put his arm around me, which I dearly love. afterward, i asked him to call me when he got home and he didnt. i called him the next day, no return call. then the next day, i called again; no call back. i'm thinking he's avoiding me because of the affection. he calls and talks to my dh and doesn't ask to talk to me. now i'm really paranoid. i call him. no answer, no call back. i'm really freaking now. so, finally i call one more time thinking i need to go back to the no contact club if he's stopped talking to me. he answers and is like he always is. says he didn't see that i called. and see, i think he did know but needed the distance because he felt guilty about the affection and he's mad at me for letting it happen.

i know i'm making this up in my head that he's weirded out by the affection, which i can't help, i feel affectionate toward him - but HE initiated the affection. its not like it was some kind of passionate embrace. i didn't want to throw him to the ground and jump him, but i do like when he holds me and makes me feel safe and cared for. my inappropriate feelings are waning, and i'm feeling more and more affectionate toward my dh so i know its progressing in the right direction. i just can't let go of the obsessive thinking and making up in my head that he's freaked out and i'm going to lose him as a dear friend. after losing dh to uncle sam, i broke into a million pieces. friend held my shattered heart in his hands and now i'm overly attached, because he's the glue holding my heart together. safe, because we can't be more than friends. comfortable, because i know deep down he does love me, whether its as a sister or more, i don't know. but i'm still fragile and as crazy as he makes me, it makes me crazier to try to force it to stop.

January 1, 2006
4:50 pm
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Rasputin
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Hey Bonni,

Happy New year!

I am glad you enjoy your time with your hubby's friend. It must be great that your hubby can actually entrust his friend and you to accompany you and be with you during the festive season.

Your feelings toward your hubby's friend are OK as long as you don't act upon them. Everyone wants to feel special, looked after and treated like royalty.

Nice to see you agin!

~Ras~

January 1, 2006
8:26 pm
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bonni
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Thanks Ras! happy new year to you too. i hope its off to a good start.

friend is a shared one. truly more mine than dh's but they do have a friendship. friend would never take advantage and is very protective. more protective and jealous than dh to be honest.

got a new yoga book for christmas and am exciting about devoting more energy to a yoga practice. theres another book about yoga and depression i thought i'd check out too. do you do yoga?

January 1, 2006
8:33 pm
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Rasputin
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Not really Bonni, but once I was watching Opra and she mentioned Yoga as stress-buster. My friend once told me that he does it as a sort of spiritual connection with the unknown.

Many people like to practice yoga to relieve stress. I find Yoga quite strenuous.

Perhaps you could strart a thread sometime about the benefits of yoga.

Ya, I hope the New Year will be filled with good surprises to all of us!!!

~Ras~

January 1, 2006
10:15 pm
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kasie919
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bonni:

I to had a very close friend like you speak of now, very close, to thepoint that my husband thought we were having an affair.

Ive nver had a frinedship like that, and i felt as u did in sevral instances..

Hear this warning,
if you havent read my thread and dont know what happened to me, My frined turned his back on me and pretty much started alot of hell for me.
Ive confided in him everything in my heart, what he did was tell my husband everything i told him in confidence..
Please be carefull
allow a friendship, but at times it sounds to me as if your letting your heart feel more, take a step back look at the big picture think about what you say, what you do and how you do it..

I think your friend is feeling as you, a bit more connected than should be..

Be honest to yourself and you loved ones..

but sont allowhtis to hurt you either, i know it may seem im taking it from the hurt aspect, but i do still have one friend who would back me up in a heart beat.
And take me on after im divorced..
So please take a step back, try the no contact thing see how it goes, look at the big picture.

Have a great new year,
Love Kasie

January 1, 2006
10:23 pm
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lost and found
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i know u are lonely when husband is gone. maybe the other guy was just offering friendship and u need it so bad that it feels like more. try and spend more time with women friends for awhile. dont jump into anything. we are all human. when your husband is gone i know u are going to feel a void in your life. just try and fill it with someone that isn't going to make u do something u might regret later. and remember this; what kind of friend would have an affair with his friends wife. not a very good one.

January 2, 2006
12:02 am
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bonni
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Thanks Kasie & Lost & Found,
I appreciate your input. Kasie, i'm sorry that things have worked out badly for you.

the worst is over, as dh is home now and friend has moved cross country. if nothing has happened by now, it won't. my feelings are drifting and friend is just not willing to compromise himself by sleeping with a married woman, especially one he thinks of as a sister.

Kasie, i've told dh too much for him to believe a lie or be surprised by anything friend could say. dh knows more about my feelings than friend, plus he's not threatened. i've watched too many soap operas to believe that secrets ever stay secret.

bear with me, as i'm now finally to the real anxiety provoking issue. i'm not very open to cultivating close friendships. I met my first best friend when we were 5. she stopped speaking to me suddenly when we were 15, over 20 years ago. i never knew why she did this. i never really got over it and probably never will. in retrospect, she never really was my friend at all, but i was hers. that suddenly stop contact thing is an issue with history for me. so you can see why i'd be freaked if yet another best friend did this to me.

the friendship with both dh and friend are anomalies for me and incredibly precious. we've been together over a decade and through alot.

we also all know that i'm using the relationship obsession to avoid dealing with my anger. neither dh nor i are ready to release our anger about our situation. we are working through it together. i'm insecure and afraid. my past teaches me that friends don't let you know when something is wrong, they just walk away. gosh, my dad does this, too. i'm afraid my friend will just walk away if i'm not vigilant about making sure we're all right. my heart has never understood why dh walked away, even though he's back. my head tells me to trust and my heart says no, its just like best friend #1. i'm getting there.

wow, thanks. i came to the right place. i think what's bothering me is one thing and its really something else. the questions and feedback help me think it through. still don't know how to discharge the anger in a healthy way. probably by doing it together, dh and i will grow closer.

January 2, 2006
8:01 am
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kasie919
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bonni:

I have a friend like you have described in the early issue, excpet our friendship started in the teenage years, we tried dating but what eventually happened was we loved each other so much we need to protect our frienship and make sure we didnt hurt each other.So now we are the best of frineds, although he was deveistated when i moved away and writes me everyday to tell me..

Ive tried to maintain the similar friendship with my husband but his abusive ways do not aloow me to be as open and honest as i wish i could have been..

Ive learned the same, to walk away when scaired, this time i moved 750 miles away from that.. now i regret.
My friend has even wanted to divorce his wife in order fo us to try again, i cant allow this because i know if something went wrong i would loose him forever,at this point i will remain happy that he will come and visit and we can call and write..

He gets mad at my husband for the way he treats me and wants to get involved, but he stands back because he knows how i am..
I can rely on intimate secrets with him because i know he will never take advantage like the friend i told you about.

It odd how we have similar things happen in our pasts, but im sure this to will pass..

Keep the honesty and openess with your husband, and you will see how it grows, but if you hear from the other frined allow it only to nuture yourself and no one else..
if that makes any sense to you..

Ive learned if i have girlfriends, my husband only wants to meet them to sleep with them, so i truly only maintiain no friends to close to me..

I wish you well, and good luck on your future..

Kasie

January 2, 2006
9:39 am
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bonni
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thanks Kasie,
I hope you can work things out and that you are no longer with your abusive husband. i'm glad you have your friend and I hope you are respectful of his marriage. one of the reasons i cherish my friend is how supportive he is of my marriage.

i am incredibly fortunate to have my dh. when either of us are attracted to something outside the marriage, we incorporate it into our marriage and use it to enhance each other's experience.

bonni

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