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They said it would get better
September 5, 2001
9:40 pm
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angelchain
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Two and half years ago the man I was with for almost 11 years broke it off with me (that is putting it kindly). He told me that I was "smothering him", he "needed time alone" and many other things. I know it hurt him to do this because of conversations after the fact. Anyway, he never walked down the aisle with me; he married a 20 year old girl in July of this year. We are both 30 years old now. Even though it has been two+ years, I am crushed. I have struggled to let him go, I have dealt with personal issues of my own (drinking mainly) and have changed my life. I just cannot completely accept the fact that he doesn't love me. I cannot accept the fact that I was with him for 11 years, trying my hardest-never to get a ring on my finger and here this other person ten years younger than him accomplishes what she did in only 2 years. Everyone has told me that things will get better, that I am a bright, beautiful woman with so much going for me, let him go. Today it doesn't seem to be any better. Sure I don't cry all the time, I don't think about him 24/7 but the pain is so true. Well, that is my vent...this is what my waking hours consist of. I know that I will never be truly happy and find myself if I don't find it somewhere inside of me to accept this and move on. It seems he has been able to move on quite nicely. a

September 5, 2001
10:37 pm
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Alena
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angel, this has to be quite traumatic for you and I'm really sorry for your pain. I'm assuming by doing the math that this man was pretty much your first love. In my opinion, this is going to stay with you for a very long time, but it really does get better and you will find a life without him. I've been where you are, kind of still am, after alot of years I still every once in a while remember and feel the pain of losing my first love after a five year relationship, and it was a very long time ago.

It was 2 1/2 years ago for you, and don't you have to admit that although you are still feeling very badly, it's not as tough to get up everyday as it was all those months ago? What makes it so much worse is his marriage, that kind of feels like a smack in the face, I know. So easy to get caught up in the" what did she do that I didn't do" game. And the answer is nothing. You are you...she is who she is, sometimes when we go with someone for so long, it's like overkill, you know what I mean? Sameness, although maybe he loved you, can just get boring. A new relationship where he doesn't know this chick inside out is alot more exciting. Who knows, maybe it won't work out, maybe what he thought was boring with you will just turn out to be "comfort" that he will miss. But, regardless, you do need to let it go, allow yourself to think of him occasionally, but tell yourself you deserve to be happy, you may not be right for him, in his mind, but you are right for somebody, probably a bunch of somebodys. 🙂 Be gentle on yourself, you are probably moving along slowly but surely...so be supportive of you. Try not to get hung up on his life, as a matter of fact, what I did was not allow myself to hear junk about him, it just kept opening the wounds. Get out often, treat yourself to something special every now and then, exercise helps, take a class, meet new people any way you can, bottom line?? Work on moving on with your life, not his. It's his loss......but I want you to know I know how you feel, and you can get better in time.

September 5, 2001
10:58 pm
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angelchain
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I know there are five stages of grief, I think I have gone through them many times. He was my first true love and I know that just makes it harder. I have gone out, treated myself, boxed up the pics, moved back to my hometown which I know was a BIG step and there are so many other things that I know I wouldn't have done if with this man. I am just tired of the days like today-where I just ask myself "when will this feeling finally go away". I expect too much from myself at times. So with that, I can only say that this is a day of questions and non-acceptance. Alena, Thanks for the reassurance and also, your the first person to tell me to move on with my life, not his. That made me take a step back and question who I have really been living for these past 13 years-him or me? a

September 5, 2001
11:09 pm
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Alena
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Thirteen years is almost a lifetime, and ya know, sometimes I think it's easier to get over a divorce of a marriage of 13 years. You wanted the marriage so badly, and you were cheated out of it. At least in a divorce you're able to taste the marriage thing and not wonder what it would be like. In a divorce, you know what it is like and it's not good, so you're more able to move on... so , that's why I tell you to be patient with yourself..you are healing from a very big wound. That's the hardest part about moving on Angel, focusing on you and your life when for so long you focused on the two of you or just him. God, as I write these words, they are so familiar to me, to my behavior. I thought I'd surely die...but I didn't. You are doing all the healthy things you should be doing, you're going to be okay Angel.
Just takes time and there is no set amount of time, it will just fade to a mild ache every now and then and you will be able to be happy without him. This pain has happened to so many of us, you aren't alone.

September 6, 2001
12:52 pm
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Molly
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I know it sounds impossible, but you simply must let it go. When the thoughts creep in your head, you simply must shake them out. How busy is your life today, when we are pre occupied with other things, we don't have much time or energy to put into other things like emotional devistation. You can't get over it if you keep feeding it. Depression grows from lack of activity, so get busy. There is no magic wand, no special potion, you deserve better, he wasn't the right one, there is a reason for everything, and I bet if you gave it half a chance you would or could meet someone that is worthy of you.

September 6, 2001
12:58 pm
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distracted
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....no magic wand?

=o(

September 6, 2001
1:11 pm
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Ladeska
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Something else that comes into play with this situation that rarely gets talked about is - what we grieve over and miss is what exactly? When you really look at what you describe here - what I see is - you tried your hardest to be something - for him....

In all that time - did you really and truly see him - for who he is? Obviously not, because if you did - then you would have seen that he wasn't what you thought and sized him up to be. Why? Because he did what he did. You interpret this move of his to this other girl as being an affront to you and a rejection to you...but, what if it had everything to do with - who he is. Maybe it's about him not wanting true intimacy with someone, maybe it's about him not being able to really love completely, etc., etc.

What I see is that you are upset because you failed....in your quest. That may not be so - if you really look at things objectively and in perspective here. Why we always look at things like - we are being interviewed is beyond me. Shouldn't WE be in the shoes of the interviewer instead? But, we put all this time and energy and love into this flat picture of what we think someone is and then we just blast away at it trying our hardest to get them to "accept us". We're SO busy doing that - that we really don't SEE them dimensionally like we need to see them. So when something like this happens and hits us in the face - we go What the Hell?

Well,,,,what the hell is - you haven't been paying attention to road signs as they've been passing....why? Because you've been so busy working on being good enough for him, being his everything, his love, etc.

Accepting that we may not have sized them up like we thought - is rather hard to swallow. It means we misjudged, we jumped on the bandwagon without enough information....we invested too much and yes, people can and do fool us, they do hide much at times. And people change.... So, forgive yourself for that for crying outloud - get on with life!

The thing is - you don't have to be a victim of this. If you turn it around and look at it rationally - you may have very well saved yourself alot of heartache in the long run...

I've seen this happen time and time again where a woman invested all this time and heart into a man that dumped her for someone else. When all the time people that really knew him - saw what a jerk/charmer he was and yet - she didn't. He'd take up with some lady and then screw her as well, going onto another one....etc., etc.

Please try to put "you" in the seat of choosing and not choosing instead of you being the one on the block to be sold or approved of or picked. YOU do the picking.....and be damned picky, too.

September 6, 2001
7:09 pm
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angelchain
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Ladeska, I totally understand what you are saying and as I look back, I did miss alot of road signs. At the time of this "divorce" I was in a very bad place emotionally and mentally-I had been drunk daily. Now that I haven't had a drink in 2 1/2 years and am able to look at the past with a "clear" head, there was alot NOT going on with this relationship. Dinners alone, him taking vacations without me (week at a time I might add), etc., etc. And you know what else, aside from all of those things I still did everything in my power to keep him happy, all the while neglecting my own needs and desires. While driving home from work today, outloud I said to myself "you deserved so much better than that". This was not thought, just said. Personally I think my subconcious is attempting to allow me to accept and I conciously keep fighting it. I will place more effort on listening to my soul....allowing the acceptance to take it's course. Thanks:) c

September 10, 2001
4:20 pm
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craven
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I have a lot of empathy for you as this a hard place to be in. When we emotionally give of ourselves heart and sole we don't expect to be the victim of loss of the relationship. Sometimes it is so unfair and you are not alone. There are many women that have the same thing happen to them and I know that saying this does not mend a broken heart.

As many have left messages to you on the problem you face, I can only say don't let this ruin your self-esteem. He was looking for something else in life and if you had married him what would that picture look like? Forgiveness and letting go are the most difficult things to do in order to move on in life. Investing in a relationship needs to be a mutual thing not a onesided love affair.

September 10, 2001
5:21 pm
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ron
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Angel - yep, like the others said, it will get better, just takes time (some more than others!).

Hi ya, gang!!

PS: Angel - see the thread "still crazy after all these years". There's some good comments in it from the others to me.

"I have to admit it's getting better, it's getting better all the time . . ."

Peace

Ron

September 10, 2001
5:40 pm
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Ladeska
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Angelchain....I think you really can forgive yourself for making a wrong choice here - namely - not loving "you" and trying to bypass that here by supposedly loving another - which is impossible - when we don't love ourselves... That's a mouthful isn't it? *smile* So....where do you go from here? You consciously fight your subconscious.

Old patterns - are like old muscles. When I go to the chiropractor and he adjusts me - when I haven't been for awhle and the bones have gotten very used to being "set wrong" - he adjusts me and the muscles scream at me for that! Doesn't feel good. Pisses them off. The "feelings" involved here - aren't good - alot like the subconscious - you keep hearing all this noise. Why? Because the muscles want to go back to the "familiar" because that is what is "remembered" more than all this new stuff and thought patterns.

Once the chiropractor keeps adjusting me - the muscles start remembering - the new instead of the old and they don't swell and try to pull my spine back to the old alignment. They finally - get it and say - no, this is the way it is now...not the old way.

Basically - you just force feed yourself good foor. Sure - you'll throw up - will want your junk food back, will pout, feel dark, cranky, etc. But, just like all sick people who have to be in I.C.U. or learn to walk again - no one said - it would be fun. It's work. And you have to be dedicated to the overall good of "you" and knock it off with trying to earn some sort of mystical brownie points about what kind of good and wonderful woman you are IF you win this guy over to you and can keep him, blah, blah, blah. Ditch all this whooey about this guy and "what coulda, shoulda been and pull YOU up out of the gutter. I say watch this dude and it won't be long until he is gone again for younger, better, more wonderful attachments, etc. Justa matta 'o time.

So, feed yourself real food for a change. Be very careful about what and who you are around - only healthy people - cut all the negative people out or down to a dull roar. Read positive healthy things, expose yourself to culture, to new things, educate yourself on something new and that you've never looked into before. Change your room around - heck, live in a tent! Mix it up, hang upside down from a tree, look at life from a different perspective and GET OUT OF YOUR RUT!!! Life is to be lived - not tolerated.

You know the "good sense" of what you need to do, now stop whimping out over there and DO what you know you have to do. (smile) Okayyyy? Cyber kick in the butt to you. Is there a strange mark on your back somewhere that says Doormat? Didn't think so...

Time to listen to your own best friend - that little voice inside you that doesn't get top billing.

September 10, 2001
7:28 pm
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pg lova
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Angel,

I completely feel your pain, trust me I do. I was engaged for 2 1/2 years and this woman just walked out on me. No explanations, nothing she just walked out leaving me heartbroken. At first I was down, devastated, crushed, and blaming myself. Why me? What did I do wrong? But after extensive counseling, and continuous prayer, I have been able to finally put my life back together. So I'm here today to encourage you that like they're telling you, it will get better, you just have to believe that it will. I know it hurts right now, but pain is part of life. It's not anyone's favorite part, but it's necessary for what would a good time mean without ever having a bad one? My theory on life is that "We do not know what tommorrow holds,but we have a blessed assurance in knowing who holds tommorrow." I don't know what your belief is, but I'd like to share with you what my pastor told me when my fiancee left. He said that "Although we cannot see it, our dear heavenly Father knows what's best. He knows what's best for me, for you, and everyone." So Angel I encourage you, for a reason that we cannot understand, God thought it best that you not marry this person, don't be discouraged, everything will be all right.

God Bless,
pg lova

PS If you ever need to talk, you can e-mail me at [email protected]. Believe me, I know what you feel and you are not alone. Take care of yourself

September 10, 2001
8:04 pm
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angelchains
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I thank all of you for your encouragement and kind wisdom. Ladeska, I looked in the mirror and NO-there is no sign on my backside!:) There has been a lot of thought, positive reading and soul searching these past couple of years. I wrote this thread on a day that I felt overwhelmed by the emotions that still linger, linger only from my allowing it. And honestly, I am just flat out tired of it....I thought that by moving back to the city we were originally from that these would subside a bit, only to get a day like that! I have made a point in this move to not "hang out" with old mutual friends, not try to re-establish friendships that were made while we were together and also not to drive by the house we once called home. It took doing these things ONCE for me to figure out they were not mentally or spiritually healthy. It just amazes me how such a young, vibrant, intelligent woman like myself can continuously dwell-if you will-on such a small negative aspect of my life. Even though I can sit here and tell myself out loud that I was not happy, my heart just wants to dip into the sadness and wade for a while. Discouragement does dip it's toes in there too! Men never ask me out, I always have to make the first move and really just don't think that is how it's supposed to be. So I than think gee, I will never meet "the one". But EVERYONE tells me it just happens-so I do my own thing and wait. Anyways, I am a whole lot better now than I was let's say----11 months ago. I absolutely thought I was insane-wish I knew of this sight back then. Again, thanx guys and have a nice day/night. a

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