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THERE IS NO ANSWER...I GIVE UP
August 27, 2006
1:22 am
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Anonymous
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August 27, 2006
1:25 am
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mamacinnamon
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Y?

August 27, 2006
1:27 am
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Anonymous
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everyone has given up on finding a solution...just going in circles, because there is no solution...we have all given up....my family, aac, my friends, my outside help, and me....it is hopeless.

August 27, 2006
1:34 am
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pcbutterfly2200
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THERES ALWAYS TOMMORROW.DONT FEEL THAT WAY.WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A SOLUTION TO?

August 27, 2006
1:44 am
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i have written many other posts about it

I am too drained to write more. There must be daily posts from me about it.

I am caught in a threatening situation at work, and cannot leave my job and dont want to. I can leave the particular situation, but it will be career suicide. Well, if I stay in it or leave the situation. I cannot assess which is worse. If I leave I hurt innocent people and my career. If I stay, I also may may be at risk. I have been harmed for over a year by an awful colleague. It is like trying leave a bully, but this guy is threatening my name (and I am internationally known) and take me down, in addition to threatening me personally and getting me in the middle of a potential legal case. I want to stay and fight for him to straighten it all out, but it is a huge beauracracy that will do all it can to keep it quiet with minimal press, and blame me for something I never did, or I ca leave and still get blamed and have no chance of saving it, but save myself from further abuse...maybe and let him take me down. I cannot do it anymore. I cannot deal with it. I am a peaceful person. I cannot fight. I cannot do it. I cannot face it. It has taken a year out of my life. I cannot harm innocent people in the process. Actually, I cannot do much of anything at the moment.

August 27, 2006
1:53 am
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mamacinnamon
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P&L:

Respectfully speaking.. you say you cannot take anymore. You say it is career suicide. So what is wrong w/ starting over in a new place? Folks who are millionaires lose it all and live on the streets sometimes.

A person who is healthy and is in the prime of her career can fall victim to an illness and lose it all. My thoughts are... so you loseo it all; you can start over. You can be anything your mind chooses. Afterall, when you die and go to Heaven you cannot take it w/ you. So as Ecclestics says.... It is all meaningless in the end.

I'm not tring to be a brat. Just maybe trying to have you look at your options.

August 27, 2006
2:02 am
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pcbutterfly2200
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YES YOU CAN,I DONT KNOW THE SITUATION BUT THERE ARE WORSE OUT THERE!!NOW PICK YOUR SELF UP RAISE YOUR HEAD HIGH AND KNOW ESPECIALLY IN YOUR SITUATION THE TRUTH WILL ALWAYS COME OUT IN THE END.IF YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG TELL THIS BULLY YOUR READY FOR WHATEVER.AND EVEN IF YOU DONT,,,SAY I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU UP MY SLEEVE AS WELL.TELL HIM THE SOONER THE GAMES BEGIN,THE BETTER,I KNOW THAT TYPE AND HE PROBABLY A VERY CROOKED PERSON.SO IF HE THINKS YOU KNOW SOMETHING HE WILL BACK OFF QUICKLY.PUT ON YOUR POKER FACE AND LOOK HIM DEAD IN THE EYE.TRUST ME.THE MEDIA CAN BE A VERY POWERFUL TOOL FOR ANYONE.LIKE A PREDITOR IF HE SENSES YUOR FEAR HE WILL FEED OFF OF THIS.TELL HIM YOU ALSO FEEL A NASTY LEAKAGE COMING ON IF SO MUCH AS LOOKS AT YOU THE WRONG WAY.PUT THE BALL BACK IN YOUR COURT.DO NOT GIVE IN TO A PRICK LIKE THAT.PEOPLE SAY I AM A BITCH.AT ANY TIME YOU CAN ALLOW ME....KEEP ME POSTED..BUTTERFLY

August 27, 2006
3:00 am
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worrying is like a rocking chair,it gives you something to do but doesnt get you anywhere./life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you deal with it./the man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones. good night p&l talk to ya tommorrow.

August 27, 2006
4:12 am
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thanks mamc and pc....this gave me some stuff to think about..much appreciated. hugs, P&L

August 27, 2006
7:55 am
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lollipop3
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P&L,

I agree with the others. I don't know what the solution is but there IS a solution.

I know this is difficult for you, but you need to make a choice. You CAN make this stop. You CAN get another job. I don't know if starting completely over will be necessary but as Mama said....it can and has been done.

The decision is yours. The choice is yours.

You may not have the choices you would have if you were writing the script....but you still always have choices.

Love,
Lolli

August 27, 2006
9:17 am
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Dear P&L:

Your tone exudes considerable anguish and you seem paralyzed with fear. Not making a decision is also making a decision: to do nothing and allow the situation to play out.

The outcome seems uncertain whatever course you take. However, you believe that any decision that you make will hurt you or hurt your colleagues.

I think that the first and most important issue is you. Stress kills and you have been under enormous stress for a year, perhaps longer.

How has the stress affected you? Headaches, disrupted sleep, crying, depression, stomach pain, depressed immune system, memory loss, poor focus and decreased work performance?

I believe that your health is THE most important asset in your life. Without it, you cannot enjoy life or be productive.

I have a brilliant friend. She was the best in the world in a very specialized technical field. All her life she was under enormous stress for various reasons. She was like a car running full throttle continually without stopping for many years.

She recently suffered a traumatic brain injury. Whether or not she will ever work in her field again remains questionable. What is important to her now is working to regain her health to the limits possible, her family, friends and life.

I left a wonderful position when I was implicated in an issue that I had NO involvement in. I had a choice to stay and be sidelined or move on.

I was sick with stress and so disappointed by my mistreatment after creating the program. I walked away.

It was a good decision. I felt better as soon as I physically and emotionally distanced myself from the situation. The program disintegrated without my leadership soon after.

Everyone that I had recruited went on to different and promising positions in part due to the experience that they had gained on the project.

I too moved on to new projects and different work.

Your situation sounds complicated and frightening. From my experience, I could not fight and win against an entrenched office bureaucracy. There were too many alliances against me and I could not trust my superiors. Everyone was taking care of themselves.

You must take care of yourself. Perhaps you can prepare with your attorney a detailed, sealed and sworn deposition along with all supporting evidence now to protect yourself later.

If you are being abused, you need to stop it immediately. Whatever your material losses, they are nothing compared to preserving the integrity of your mind, body and spirit.

With best wishes,

Moon & Stars

August 27, 2006
9:27 am
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lollipop3
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Moon and Stars,

Very eloquent post indeed!

Congratulations for taking care of you.

Lolli

August 27, 2006
9:40 am
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When we have done all that is possible in the flesh, it is time to step back and pray. And expect your miracle.

- Strong

August 27, 2006
2:29 pm
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Shaney
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LOVE your post, moon and stars. We can all take something from it, regardless of our own situations. Thank you! :o)

August 27, 2006
2:57 pm
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Dear Lollipop & Shaney:

Thank you for your encouragement.

I have learned from all of you! My greatest recent personal growth has been largely due to this site and the reading of books and websites that have been recommended here. I am applying what I learn on a daily basis.

Thank you all for sharing yourselves and your experiences. What a tremendous community and what a great contribution that the site coordinator has made by creating and maintaining this unique site.

I think that this site would be a great tool if it were replicated and made available in multiple languages and particularly to women in developing countries.

And Strong, I couldn't agree with you more. You are a courageous lady, and I expect to be hearing about great things in your life in the near future 🙂

Warm regards,

M & S

August 27, 2006
5:08 pm
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Moon & Stars

Whoever you are, thank you for writing ot me. I think you must have been sent here or special reasons. I am sorry to hear you experienced a similar situation to mine....at least it certainly sounds like you did. You certainly great gift for empathy.

I will read and reread your post. I wll check into the sworn deposition. I do have a suitcase of documentation.

You right about the prolonged stress. It is taking its toll on me and it shows in pictures of me.

You are right that the outcome probably has been decided regardless of what I do. I have spent the week disengaging physically, but not emotionally.

Yes, if I leave, I suspect the same will happen here to my program and people. I created it too.

Yes, if I suffered a an accident tomorrow, I would be very sorry that this how I spent my last year.

No, I still don't know what to do and how to make it go away. I can't leave a job without another. I can leave this project, but like you, I believe I will be "on the sidelines" after this, although that may happen either way. I guess it has already happened, and probably for the same reasons it happened to you it sounds.

Seems like you know me.

Thank you, P&L

August 27, 2006
5:11 pm
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and to everyone else here, thank you too so very much to you too for your kindness since I last wrote (strong, lolli, shaney). I really appreciate it.

August 27, 2006
5:17 pm
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I think the decision I have made recently is to go from a person who is in the "front lines" and a leader to hiding, withdrawing, and just folding my cards. I can't do it anymore. I will say this on my other post.

August 27, 2006
7:24 pm
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I think the decision is to just use honest communication. I think I should do what M&S suggests. Further, I think when asked, I should not push or try to control others in this huge beauracracy to get the outcome I want. I can only say:

"You have not given me an option I can agree to as of yet. It is unfortunate for the innocent people who are suffering from this process."

Then, let is play out...

I am wondering what you all think?

August 27, 2006
8:27 pm
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Dear P&L:

I want to quote to you from "The Betrayal Bond" by Dr. Patrick Carnes. This book has been very important to me in revising the way that I think.

For anyone that has ever been in an abusive relation of any sort, this book can help you (1) understand why you allow yourself to be abused and (2) how to break the trauma bonds with an abuser and improve your relationships.

On boundaries....

First, with the exploitive system victims make promises to themselves that they do not keep. They will draw lines in the sand and say no more, then let people step over them with impunity. No one takes them seriously, which adds to their shame. When the victim starts insisting on maintaining limits and meeting her own needs, self-respect emerges. Here is a person who demands reckoning; a person of value.

Second, having boundaries clarifies values. They essentially are the answer to the questions, "For what am I willing to fight?" Those values help define who the person is.

Finally, by successfully implementing boundaries, a new trust for yourself emerges. Victims learn that they do not have to have the zipper on the outside. They can and will take care of themselves, which creates a new sense of safety. (p. 202)

To say good-bye...

If someone does not respect your boundaries, you will have to leave....
state what is not acceptable and indicate that the cost of crossing the line will be that you will leave. (p. 203)

P&L, your proposed option seems to me to be a further attempt at negotiating to achieve the outcome that you desire. I suggest that you indicate what it is that you need and if it cannot be fulfilled, then you need to base your decision on that information.

Once you know what your needs are you must measure whether they are being met or not. Right now, it seems that you are in an intolerable situation. If it cannot be improved, you must do WHATEVER is required to secure your well being.

You wrote:

"No, I still don't know what to do and how to make it go away. I can't leave a job without another."

You cannot make it go away. You can only deal with the reality. You may need to leave your job without having another job lined up if the situation does not improve.

But you can activate your network of professional contacts, tell your colleagues and friends that you are looking, apply for other grants and take them to another agency, organization or start your own consulting company. Keep your mind open to possibilities.

You need to stop your bleeding first, everything else will fall into place.

M & S

August 27, 2006
9:46 pm
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M & S

Do you know me, or what? You are giving me the same advice as my outside consult.

I don't have to leave my job. If I leave the situation, I would leave this project, which will do harm to innocent people. Yes, it may mean misery at my job and ultimately, I may find another job. I am not sure what kind of retaliation will be involved.

I don't want to go on record saying "I quit the project." I didn't want to hurt the other innocent people. I am planning to get hurt either way.

Maybe my solution is a weak boundary. Maybe I am appearing to negotiate. I didn't think of it that way. I thought it was my right not to be forced into a decision that wrong.
Any option is wrong right now.

I have to check out that book. I didn't know about it. Thank you. Do I know you?

August 28, 2006
12:47 am
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Ok, M&S

I think I get what you are saying now. My boundaries at work are like moving targets. My boundaries and values are colliding. I cannot make a decision, because I don't know which thing is more important to me. I thought I was the master at boundaries. I WAS! WAS! I am not anymore. I have to revisit it all. I am good with it in my personal life, but I think I have gotten very weak at work, especially since I have been so fearful of outcomes. I think I know why all this has come about. I have thought much about how I got here.

What I did not realize what that my boundaries at work are not clear to me. i cannot say "no, that's enough!"

It was okay before and even worked okay for me when I was pushing and pushing to make to the top by doing hard work and insisting on maintaining kindness and ethics on my team. Then, I got to the top and at the same time, found myself in the middle of this situation with the wrong person at the wrong time, and I didn't know when to pull the plug.

Worse, I don't know when to say no to people I can say no to without even being fired. I can say no. Almost nothing can get me fired...except maybe being in a bad, bad, bad situation.

As for the innocent people that will get harmed, I have not implemented boundaries with them too. It was fine. We were a team...like a family. That works fine as long as nothing rocks the boat...but to be honest, as rewarding as it was, it was draining me. I had to work constantly to keep the team going...and it would still be going and getting bigger and bigger...and where would I be? I would be living a very unbalanced life, completely defined and controlled by my work.

It is time for me to figure out my values and boundaries at work. I need to figure out my bottom line and stick to it. For this problem, further negotiations will not give me my bottom line, and I will have to walk from the project, but at least I knew what it was and I drew the line in the sand once and for all, and I knew WHY I walked and am at peace with the consequences. I also will know the bottom line is in compliance with all regulations and will take all precautions to cover myself.

Then, I have to do the hard work of redefining who I am, not just at work, but in other aspects of life.

WOW! That is a lot. I hope I am ready.

M&S I am not sure who sent you to me, but you have been quite enlightening.

Thank you,

P&L p.s. sorry for any typos..I am usually a perfectionist, but NOT TODAY!

August 28, 2006
2:00 am
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M&S

I looked at that book on Amazon...looks very interesting. I will get it. Thank you for everything. I feel some hope now. I know I have a lot of work to do, but now I have some direction. I am coming up with a short term plan to draw a line in the sand once and for all, and then a longer term plan to deal with my general boundaries at work. I know it won't happen overnight. The progress I made with boundaries before with my family took work. I want to do this once and for all.

BIG HUG! P&L

August 28, 2006
2:24 am
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finally. I found your thread.

M&S has got it down.

Go for it P&L!

hugs

free

August 28, 2006
2:32 am
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free-

I posted to u in the Embassy. Was up for a joke finally, my dear.

Yeah, I think I see a ray of hope for once.

Yet, I have to be careful. I know my limitations, and I could have a setback during the work week. I have to work hard at this, and I will!

Everyone here is so kind. Thank you!

Gonna work on my own boundaries to myself and try to get on a better schedule. I am up much to late.

Wishing you all peace, love, and serenity AND the attention I received here when you are in need. I will give back. Call on me.
Love, P&L

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