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Therapy Question
October 17, 2008
12:13 pm
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newme66
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I have a question?

I have been toying with the idea of switching from a male therapist to a female therapist. I am working w/ a man on my man issues. I have told him several times about my abondonment issues and other underlying issues for the last 5 weeks. I finally decided to go with a woman. He does not take notes and I don't feel I am given any tools to work with AFTER my appointments. I called the office to cancel my appointment with him and scheduled one with a female (who specailizes in Codies). I could not believe it but he just called me! I told him it was nothing personal but I think I may give/get more working w/ a woman. He said that the grass is not always greener on the other side and he's afraid that I may miss an opportunity, that maybe I am backing out of therapy b/c I am afraid. I explained that I am not backing out and I booked another appointment with his group and with a woman. He wants me to come see him on Monday to talk to make sure I am making the right decision. Does he not realize that I had a very hard time making the call to switch. I do not like confrontation and I feel like I am being bullied, by another MAN!!!!! Please help me, I was having such a great day and trying to resolve important self-help issues. Am I wrong to be upset and not want to go see him on Monday? I have another appt. scheduled for Monday to meet the woman therapist.

My main goal was to not miss any sessions of therapy because I know how hard it is to go back once you stop going. I am handing this over, I am not going to let this take space up in my head for the entire weekend. I know what I need. I would like som type of reassurance that I am doing the right thing for me. I eplained to him that I am new at this and all I want is to work on me. I firmly beleive that a woman therapist is in my best interest today. I finished the book Women Who Love Too Much and it even states in the book that I should see a woman because she may be able to relate to me better. I do like him, but I don't like that he does not take notes and I keep repeating myself. Each week he says the same thing, each week I say the same thing! Is it me?????

October 17, 2008
12:59 pm
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Longshot
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Bless your heart.

No, it's not you.

I'm on therapist #3, and finally feel I've landed with one I feel good about. (This is over the course of the last 14 years!!)

I encourage you to do what you need to do for you.

(((Newme66)))

October 17, 2008
1:02 pm
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Care Bear
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No. It is not just you. If you feel more confortable talking to a women, then that is who you should talk to. When I called to make my first appointment I made sure I had a women, because I do not feel comfortable talking with a man. If you are not getting anywhere, then switching is the best option. You have to keep trying until you get the right person. You do have the right to stop treatment at any time, so your male therapist should not be upset at you at all. If you know in your heart that switching to a female therpist will help, then that is what you should do. It is just like going to the doctor, if you are not comfortable with your doctor, then you switch doctors. You can do this. I know it seems impossible to tell a therapist no, I am not going to come and see you, but you can, that is your legal right. I had to tell my therapist that I was not going to do the treatment that she wanted me to do. Plus you will never have to talk to the male therapist again, so you should not be worried. He can not force you to do something that you do not want to do.

October 17, 2008
1:07 pm
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newme66
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I am appalled that he called me on it. Take it for what is worth! He made me feel guilty and he should know better than to call me and ask why? I feel it was unprofessional!

I am going to see the woman at noon on Monday, then I will go see him at 4:15 in the afernoon. I will know who I am more comfortable with.

I am just amazed I have never heard of a therapist trying to talk you out of a personal decision. He also knows that I have codie issues (well if he took notes, he would know)!

October 17, 2008
1:07 pm
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newme66
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Long Shot and Care Bear thank you for responding!

October 17, 2008
1:11 pm
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Care Bear
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newme66- you are welcome. That is what we are all here for. Yes go to both appointments, and see who is more helpful. Then you will know exactly who you are more comfortable with. Then you can honestly tell him you have explored your options, and which option is best. That might make you feel better.

October 17, 2008
1:29 pm
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thewall
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newme,

Your ins wont pay for 2 therapy appts in one day.

In this psych world, in which I work and live, there are mixed feelings about whether or not to call a client once they stop coming. The majority vote out there now is NOT to go chasing clients when they drop the therapist. Your therapist must not have gotten that memo 🙂 In fact, he sounds like a man with a major ego problem and took your qutting very personally. Thats his problem not yours. But dont let him make you feel guilty for leaving or bully you into staying. And thats my fear if you go for another appt. So dont go. Just cancel the appt and be done with him.

Or if he calls you again, Tell him you've already told him the reason, and there is no reason to spend money out of your pocket that ins wont pay for, to tell him again.

As a client, I would go see another female therapist outside the practice just so you can be free of that whole counseling agency.

If she really is the one that you want to see, then ok, but dont also continue seeing the male. Just know that some agencies do staff their cases with each other so there is a chance that he will continue to hear about your progress in the staff meetings. Some agencies do not use names in staffing cases, others do. Its not an issue of confidentiality if the purpose is for staffing the case and gaining more knowledge to help the client.

Personally, I would not want anything to do with that guy and would not want him knowing anything more about me, so I would go to another agency.

Now, when you go to another female therapist, wherever that may be, please let her know that you had a bad experience with this guy. Let her know that he did not take enough notes for you. Tell her you were uncomfortable when he called you. That way she wont make the same mistakes that he did with you.
Tell her what was helpful with this guy and what was not helpful.

I am amazed at how many clients have so many differenet expectations in therapy (thanks to tv, movies, books etc).
If I forget to ask these questions, then I too could lose clients if I dont have the chance to explain myself. Some therapist dont take any notes and just write later, after the client is gone and many clients are ok with that.
Some expect notes written the whole entire time.
If you came to my office, I would then tell you that I have a good memory and do not need to take very many notes during session, but do write notes after you leave.

Many clients feel very uncomfortable when the therapists is writing notes the whole time. they feel like they cant say a word without it being written down. They would rather I pay more attention to them than in writing things down. Sometimes its a no win situation.

We cant be everybodys dream therapist, we all have our own style and personality, but we should all be willing to make some adjustments to make our clients feel more comfortable. I hope your next therapist has that kind of attitude. IM sorry that you ran into this creep. And he does send up my creep factor flag. so run.

You should never be bullied or chased for leaving a therapist. Im sorry that happened to you I hope the female therapist is much better for you.

thewall

October 17, 2008
2:10 pm
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Giggles_29
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((((newme66)))))~ Only you know what's best for YOU! You do what you have to for yourself. If you are not happy with the results you are getting from your current counselor, then you have every right to switch and try another.

Don't let your current therapist make you feel guilty for wanting to do what you want and what you need to do.

I hope that you can be true to YOU and stick with your decision.

October 18, 2008
11:08 pm
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newme66
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I am not going back to see him. He should have never called me. I was afraid that he would and that's why I took so long.

I don't want my therapist to constantly write but I want them to remember what my issues are so I don't repeat myslef and they don't say the same thing over and over and over. I leave with no tools to work with during the week. I need something to do. He does not agree w/ me going to support groups either???

He's just not for me! I will find one that I am comfy with and then stay. This is about me, not him! ME ME ME. WOW I love that I can be selfish and not feel guilty. I will take care of this issue on Monday and have not given it any thought all weekend. In the past, I would have dwelled on this unil I became sick.

October 19, 2008
10:31 pm
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Longshot
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Yea Newme66!! Good for you standing up for yourself:) I travelled many miles this weekend and this issue flew across my brain, and I thought to myself, no, I don't think I'd go back either. It is most definitely about YOU, that's how you heal.

In any case, find who YOU like, feel comfortable with, and feel like you can share with.

My Therapist #3 encourages reading, books, groups... whatever. He's pretty open-thank goodness:)

((Newme66))

October 20, 2008
8:40 am
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newme66
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Long, that's what I want recommendations, support groups anything to work toward a helthier me. He does not get it. He keeps repeating that I will never find a nice man. That's not why I am there. I want happiness within so I don't associate my self w/ unhealthy people (men and women). This is not about my relationships it's about me and my feelings about everything. I was a very negative person and I was killing myself inside w/ thoughts that would not go away.

He's an ass as far as I am concerned. He needs to understand this is about me, not him. His group will still get my money. I do not want to have to go through the whole insurance BS again. It's just a downer and I have already done the leg work to get me started. Now I just want to start healing and feel good about who I am and the decisions I make.

I will post after my appt. today at noon.

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I feel good about facing him if it happens. I am not afraid!

October 20, 2008
11:50 am
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newme66
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I feel like I am going to LOOSE it! I called to confrim my noon appt. w/ the female therapist. The receptionist placed me on hold. I could not believe the male therapist I was seeing got on the phone. I hung up! I called back and explained that I cancelled my appt. w/ him and I wanted to see a female therapist. Again I was placed on hold and HE got on the phone AGAIN. What is wrong with me??????? I tried to do this the right way. I caneclled my apptointment and asked for a female because I would feel more cofortable. I was not comfy with him. I met w/ him 5 times and I was not comfy.

I called back for the final time and explained that I did not want to speak with HIM, I wanted to know if my noon time appt. was cancelled. The receptionist never answered my question. I told her I was not coming back to the group and to not bill my insurance company. I am calling my insurance company to advise them of this. I am appalled that I would even have to go through this. I want help not guilt or to be bullied into seeing a MAN. This is not about men this is about me and wanting to be comfy and GET HELP. I have never encountered such behavior from professionals. He should loose his license and he is the Director of this group! What are they thinking??????

Now I have to start over and I do not have the energy. I just want to CRY. Why is it so hard to reach out for help w/o being kicked in the process. My life has been hard enough and this is why I hate reaching out. It's so friggen hard. I hope to get my energy back and my positive thinking. I am taking a nap. I never made it to work now I will probably loose my job. I threw my ex out yesterday and all I wanted to to was solve my bull crap issues. Well, not today another day in the life of being me. Nothing is easy.

October 20, 2008
12:01 pm
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CrazyPink
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NewYOU

I am so happy for you to be standing up to this guy. What is their deal. I have never heard of something like this. I wonder if you could go to the board of president of this company. File a complaint and resume your appointment with the female counselor. I know that is putting a lot of energy into something you shouldn't have to.

I hope that you did call into work though. My work has been very understanding through my whole ordeal. I've been sent home on many occasions for crying and have called in once. Hopefully yours will understand too.

Take a nice bath. Use bath salts or bubble bath. Eat some fruit. Drink some water. You are so strong my dear, don't let this bring you down.

October 20, 2008
2:44 pm
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PreciousG
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Newme,

That is sick what that group of so called professionals has done to you. That is so way out line I do not know where to even begin. Let me say this, his behavior was so unethical it defies explination. What are his credentials?

Please do not give up. You are so strong in recognizing that you were not making progress with this counselor and needed to end it and find someone else. That is huge insight. You are healthy. Like you have said though you just need some more tools to tune up what you have. You KNOW best what you need and went after it. This CREEP, CONTROL FREAK, was just trying to get in your way. I would have hung up to. I would have frozen and been like uh uh click! Then to have called back and it happen again I would have been wooooo pilgram I didn't ask to speak with you click. Just like you did. I think that was great. Oh AND GOOD for yopu for not going back there at all.

I know it is difficult to seek counseling in the first place but to have to deal with this in the process is just uncalled for. But like I said please do not give up. Ther are many more out there are awesome and are just wating for your phone call.

When you do see someone new I would tell them what you have expoerienced and they can tell you how to best handle this creep and how to report him. I knwo this may be more than you asked for but he needs to be reported. His behavior was unethical and IMO crossed over to harassment. If was that interested in speakinf with you then why did nhe not call you? Why did he eait to until you called the office to speak with you? Oh and by the way the appointment that he requested that you make with him was totally unethical and uncalled for. He had no right to do that. Sure he could have requested an appointment but by no means are you obligated to agree. Jerk.

If you haven't already done so you need to keep a record of everything that has happened thus far and the future, just in case you decidse that you want to report him. You have already have some of it docummented on here so that wil save you quite a bit of time. Just print your posts and show your new therapist when you are comfortable.

I am truly sorry that yo have had this horrible experience with the counseling rpofession. This is not what this profession is about. Unfortunately there are always some bad apples in every walk of life professional and otherwise. It is your right to shop around for a counselor until you find someone that you are really comfortable with and he knows this. If you want to end counseling with any counseling you acan do so without explination. The counselor can contact you to inquire as to why but you are not by any means obligated to respond. It is all up to you. Most counselors see the client counselor relationship just as that a relationship. And with any healthy relationship attempted to end the relationship in a healthy manner. However, sometimes that does not happen. And that is ok. It is not however, ok to banger a client when they have not ended the relationship in thamanner that the counselor did not like.

You really did a brave and courages think by realizing that you needed to end this relationshipo with this counslore and seek another counselor. You are strong and can handle this and come out the other side even wiser and healthier than you are now.

I wish you the best of luck in your search for a new counselor.

Precious

October 20, 2008
4:03 pm
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Longshot
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(((Newme66)))

Sounds like that male counselor needs help. I read in the book Toxic Relationships by Kimberly Brasher to be wary of counselors who may have their own codependent issues. He's somewhat of a textbook example...seeking to control you. WHAT A JERK.

Anyway, I had to boot therapist #2...he was so patronizing to me. Pathetic.

The good news is the therapist I see now is really good.

You'll find a really good one who will be appalled at this whole situation you've just experienced.

Take really good care of you today:):)

October 20, 2008
6:38 pm
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thewall
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newme

that was completely inappropriate of that office. Be rid of them. It is way too weird. Run like the wind.
I find it creepy that he would want to keep you so bad. all to himself. Didnt even want you to go to a support group. That is strange.
And That would be looked at very strangely in the psych world in Indiana.

October 20, 2008
6:40 pm
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thewall
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ps.

Dont let one creepy A hole keep you from going somewhere else. There are a ton of normal therapist out there.
If you have a psych hosp, call them and ask them who the best psychiatrist in town is. Then ask them for the best therapist office. Tell them you had a horrible experience recently and need to get in quickly.

October 20, 2008
6:55 pm
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Keep searching!

I have been through periods where it has taken me five therapists until I have found one where there is a fit.

I believe when we come to a place where we feel pain day after day ... we owe it to ourselves to make sense of it. A good therapist will be there in a way for us where they show us how not only to solve where we are at but also gives us the confidence to deal with what ever is coming into our lives in a good way.

October 20, 2008
7:03 pm
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Hello, thank you all for you support. I slept all day and I am going to get out of this rut (another one). I am calling my insurance company tomorrow to explain what has happened. All I asked for was some help. I am so depressed and I just want help. Why do things like this always happen to me. I called in to work and I hope I don't get in trouble. I have not been worker of the year. I have been slacking because I just can't stay focused. I am ready to commit myself. I surround myself with so many unhealthy people and no matter what I do they will not leave me alone.

I want a better life, I want my finances to be okay. I am so sick and tired of worrying. It's taken it's toll on me and people keep asking and taking from me. I don't know how to stand up and stay JUST STOP AND LEAVE ME ALONE. The only way I get peace is to shut my phone off and hide in my house. I can't stand the people I work with (really only two) and they make me feel very uncomfortable too. I did speak to one of them, but she continues to be a pain. She does not get it either. They do not know of my issues for I keep that to myself. I do show up to work everyday and some times leave early because I break down and cry.

I want so much more that what I have and it's not material. I want to feel good about who I am and the decisions I make. If I make a decision to rid someone of my life, they keep coming back and asking why. I try to be honest the first time and tell them it's not working. Some people just don't get it. My therapist is the biggest A Hole I have ever met. I am going to report him. I told my best freind and she asked if I rec'd a call aplogizing for this situation. Of course, I did not get a call. He's the director and why he has this role is beyond me. He is a control freak and he repeated him self over and over. I did the same because he would forget some of my issues. the only thing he remembered was that I was a mother and I spent a lot of time with my children. Other than that NOTHING. I told him 5 times my father left when I was 5 yrs. old and he was an alcoholic until he died 7 years ago. I never seen my father sober. Maybe once. I seen him a total of 12 times since I was five. I told him about my mother and her constant depression he never took these as serious issues with me. It bothers me that I was pretty much on my own all my life. My mom loves me she was not able to give 4 children too much for she was so depressed. She's better now and I speak with her daily. I love her but she made mistakes and so did I. I want to move past my childhood issues and he was not supportive. He was more interested in me finding a "nice man" that's pretty much all he talked about. How I was not attracive to them. They would NEVER like me. Talk about slamming me while down. I do not want a man. I want happiness for me and my children. I don't want them growing up with a depressed mother!

Back on track tomorrow, screw the screw balls. I am not answering my phone to people who bring me down. I have three very good friends that uplift me and never judge me. I will speak with my new therapist and positive people.

Sorry I ranted, but I was upset and slept all day. My children noticed I was in bed all day and I had to lie to them. I do not want this life. I am not going to live like this another day.

October 20, 2008
7:42 pm
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CrazyPink
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NewYOU

Rant all you want, my dear!

You feel better now, don't you?

I am so proud of you for getting that much needed rest and your positive attitude!

I would go yell at this therapist for you if I could. I'm very good at yelling 🙂 Some might call me a pro 🙂

October 20, 2008
8:17 pm
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newme66
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I am a good yeller too. I am a lunatic 🙂 According to my ex. I flap off at the mouth. LOL - It's true. I can't hold back. I hung up on the therapist, I was friggen SHOCKED to say the least. I was mad, but now I am laughing at his stupid butt.

MORONS, they are every where. Why can't I just get rid of them with one phone call? I have the active druggie calling me now the crazy therapist - WHEW - some people are just not able to accept "it's not working" I need more. This is about my healing not anyone elses. I will seek another therapist and I know some thing happen for a reason. I have to see how much I can handle, once again. I can handle this. It's my finances I am freaking out about today. Everything has gone up but my pay!!! UGH. I will get through this, I promise me!!!!!

I am feeling better 🙂 I did need the sleep!

October 23, 2008
11:25 am
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Got a new therapist today start next Thursday w/ a FEMALE - YIPEE!!!!!!

October 23, 2008
11:27 am
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I am so happy for you Newme. That has to be such a relief. I hope that she is what you are looking for and your search is over.

Precious

October 23, 2008
4:03 pm
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Woo Hoo Newme!! I'm happy for you too. I also hope she works well with you.

You can heal all the things you're describing...I've healed much in my life, still have much to go. But the fact remains when I think of me when I was 30 and now mid 40s...wow I've come a long way baby. And my dear precious NewMe...You've already come a long way by standing up for yourself, and realized this schmuck of a therapist was no good for you. My dear friend...you're already healing:):):)

(((Newme)))

By the way...Precious you're a jewel, and I appreciate you more than I know how to type:):):):)

(((Precious)))

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