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Therapy Issue?
November 3, 2005
10:18 am
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newcode
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I am so confused. I went to therapy a few days ago and my therapist made mention of a few things that I found confusing...

we were talking about my divorcing or not and he said since I am managing and there is no physical abuse he thinks I am tempted to stay married for the time being (this is true). But since there is no emotional connection with my spouse I probably will eventually find that with someone else then I did tell him i do not want to go from one relationship to another, that I know I can do it by myself if I had to..

He said rather it be for 2 months and the person goes away to do his own thing or longer - I will then understand see how it is supposed to be and decide that I do not want to stay married with how things are going.

At the same time, I felt he is encouraging me to wait until my kids are older to divorce.

Then on the other hand he says "listen to yourself" when I say we are on an upswing and not arguing right now, just ignoring each other...

I left so confused (though he did ask if I had any questions -- I did not at the time)... but now I wonder, is he saying listen to yourself and how you are settling - or is he saying of course you should stay married and just find a connection on the side until you decide to divorce when the kids get older..

Obviously, therapists can NOT tell us what to do --- but they do guide us, right? I feel unguided...

and at the end of the session he says, well it sounds like everything is going ok for you right now...

Am I reading too much into this, is he trying to have me figure out something on my own that I am not getting?

November 3, 2005
10:43 am
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kathygy
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newcode,

I feel confused by your post.

"He said rather it be for 2 months and the person goes away to do his own thing or longer - I will then understand see how it is supposed to be and decide that I do not want to stay married with how things are going. "

It is not clear to me what 'rather it be for two months' is referring to.

What stopped you from telling your therapist you felt confused at any given point during the session?

I think the best thing to do is call up your therapist and ask him for a little phone time if you don't want to wait until the next session. Tell him everything that he said that confused you and ask him to explain what he meant. I won't draw conclusions about what you think he meant. Wait and ask him directly.

November 3, 2005
10:57 am
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newcode
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Taht part he was talking about meeting someone and having that emotional connection. He even referenced if I met someone who gave me a call once or twice a day (unlike hubby who never calls and is gone 12 hours a day!) I would see how it supposed to be..

that part did not confuse me. I think I got what he was saying.

I was confused because part of it seemed like he was confused as to why I am staying married and part of it seemed like he understood...

I did not question it, because you know therapy is an hour long and so much is talked about, it is not until you have time to unwond and reflect that you really think about what was said... and sometimes I think my therapist is less direct than me, OR I may just be reading into things.

November 3, 2005
11:49 am
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kathygy
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yes, I do know how feelings and questions can come up later.

I think you need to be very honest with yoru therapist and tell him what you've said here including "sometimes I think my therapist is less direct than me".

Then tell him what you want and need from him. If you need him to be very direct with you tell him that.

I find that my relationship with my therapist can be a template for a healthy relationship. My therapist listens carefully to what I say and works with me to get my needs met.

November 3, 2005
1:31 pm
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newcode
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I did tell him I needed him to be more direct with me when i discovered I am codependent...I asked him why he did not tell me and I would appreciate it if he was more direct in the future... his response was he did not believe in labels and be careful about living up to a label.. so that conversation was instead happening and it sort of distracted me from the directness issue... though I do not have a real example now of him not being direct - its just a feeling I get. Does that make sense?

November 3, 2005
1:32 pm
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newcode
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Oh, one more thing, now that I am thinking (typing) this all out, I am wondering -- maybe I need to hone up on listening better in therapy. Maybe I am needing to ask more questions during the sessions and less talking?

November 3, 2005
1:43 pm
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kathygy
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When I'm in therapy I'm very much in the moment, listening very carefully to every word my therapist says. If I don't agree or don't undestand what she means I ask her on the spot. She is very good at communicating with me.

November 3, 2005
6:32 pm
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kjalone
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I was advised by my therapist to stay in a marriage that was really bad because she thought I was impulsive and that I should take more time with him to work through our problems. Well, I stopped therapy with her and dumped him the next week. Best move I ever made. Listen to your gut on this issue. That little voice inside you tells you things for a reason. Don't let anyone make a decision this important for you.
kj

November 4, 2005
4:50 am
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Lass
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I agree with KJalone.

Most times, when a therapist says, "Listen to yourself," they mean, "Can you hear what you are saying?"

Therapists are people, some of whom are every bit as screwed up as the rest of us.

People may advise you all day long, but it is always up to you to make your own choices.

Truly competent therapists know better than to tell anyone what to do. Their guidance is best when directing you back to your own inner knowing, your own decision-making ability.

LL

November 4, 2005
6:53 am
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garfield9547
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Newcode

He says 'listen to yourself' when I say we are on a upswing and not arguing right now, just ignoring each other.
For me this would sound like you are confused. The first part is a positive and the next a negative. Like what I want to say is how can you be in an upswing , but ignore each other.
Also looks like you desperately want to see the good. This is so natural.
Just my thoughts
Garfield

November 4, 2005
7:15 am
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Anonymous
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Newcode, I'm reading this and thinking I've been there... After a lot of therapy, I decided to split in such a way that xh asked for divorce and I couldn't even be there for my rights. You got some good points here that show where some confusion can arise and needs to be cleared. He said "He said rather it be for 2 months and the person goes away" - this means he is doing some prediction which means he knows something about you that you need to know. He can't be that sure about the god of an extra involvement for you. Is he sure you can come out of such a relation and be ok?

It's easier said than done but we have to question the therapists. Until its clear. Its just that usually we are so sore and lonely that we get crumbs and are happy for it. Maybe trying to write down some questions will help so that he doesn't go off on all possible tangents?

November 4, 2005
3:27 pm
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kathygy
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Who the therapist is does make a huge difference. I always interview several therapists before I pick one.
I have been in therapy for many years with different therapists. While, I do think it is important that the therapists help me hear my own voice and trust my thinking. There are also times when the therapist is most helpful to me by giving me some advise and suggestions. I then decide by listening to my gut if the therapist is on target. In most cases they have been. I only pick therapists that I trust completely and respect completley. I totally trust my judgement on that.

November 11, 2005
4:23 am
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pepsi
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It is good to use our own gut instinct when it comes to 'feeling' about another person, therapists or otherwise.It is also true that therapist shouldn't be dishing out advice but there are times when it is helpful. That is when the client is feeling stuck and unable to think.

November 12, 2005
2:57 am
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Lass
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I did not like my therapist at first. I still don't agree with her or totally trust her. But I am very respectful of the fact that she has guided me a long way from where I was. I worked my way, God cleared the way, she showed the way.

Lass

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