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themis to Wombat and sixfoot
February 21, 2004
1:45 pm
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themis
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I really value both of your wisdom. You have a way of a being that I totally relate to.
Here is what has happened. The guy has been here and is returning shortly but I fully recognize that none of this is about him. Everything kind of got triggered by his leaving but it is definetly not repairing with his return. In fact it is making everything more apparent. He didn't break it (namely me) and he can't fix it! It is making me feel physically ill. I am very sad for what we have lost but am even sadder that I have lost me. I am in that terrible place of being given what you wanted and realizing it is not it! Never was it! What a desolate place.
He has gone off to a curling Bonspiel and then tomorrow he will return to his daughters and his career and he has started to see other women while we've been apart. All very good I think. Very important for him to do that as I was the first relationship after his wife. And I feel left in that place of nothing until his return........but the return is not changing the 'nothing' and I know it. Is this making any sense?
So here I sit and reflect on what to do next. To run around and 'make busy' is not the solution. The focus needs to turn back to me but none of it fills my heart.

February 21, 2004
4:40 pm
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sixfootblonde
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Hey themis, I have read your post like six times and for some reason I'm kind of lost, still. (So much for "wisdom" hey?) No, really -- do you have another thread on here that lays out the entire situation a little more clearly? I will go look, ok? Once I'm more clear on what's happenin I will let ya know what I think -- deal? 🙂

February 21, 2004
5:31 pm
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themis
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Sorry Sixfoot....the synopsis can likely be gained at "nipping Coda in the bud/change" YOu and I had also talked on deep thoughts or taking my own inventory I think.
Happy Birthday! Interesting you are interested in the emergency services......Had a great friend who is now on the service but what a work out getting there. By the time she would finish a course they had changed the prerequisites and she would have to take more and then when she went for the weight test she failed. This went on for 3 try outs when after finally hiring a trainer they discovered that the 'weight test" was indescriminant to women and that there was a conflict of interest in the company doing the testing. She has now been happily ensconsed for the past 4 almost 5 years.
I look forward to your input ......hugs

February 21, 2004
6:55 pm
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sixfootblonde
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Thanks themis. I read your thread. I feel pretty lost for words today due to the fact that I am struggling to find a way to integrate the woman I am with a situation that may or may not be worth saving. What a thing to be contemplating on the eve of my birthday!

I understand what you are saying, the one feet in the past that no longer accomodates the woman you've become, yet the other foot in an uncertain, therefore completely unknown and scary future. I guess it all comes back to the fact that the women we are, that we take into that unknown, is all we need. As wombat says, the rest is just a compliment. Our society on one hand encourages women to be strong and independent yet for some reason our young women are also taking their cues from society to need a man, if not to complete them, then to complete the expected picture. Career woman? Oh that's fine and good job, but don't stop there. Where's the next step? Where's the house in suburbia with 2.5 kids, the Lab, the Ken husband and the two new cars? Oh you're a mom? That's nice and all but you aren't defined in a career? What are you waiting for? You know?

I have no answers today. Lots of sympathy tho!

February 21, 2004
6:56 pm
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wombat37
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Themis, it is very hard to know what to say except please see this realisation that you are having as part of the process. Yes the focus must be on you and yes your heart will feel empty-for as long as you are waiting for it to be filled with love from another. You don't sound as if you love yourself very much. An old cliche I know but very true. Love yourself. A day at a time.
Also you say you have lost this man. Do you know that for sure? Why was he attracted to you in the first place? What went wrong? If he is meant for you then he will return when you are able to love him in a healthy way, and if he is not meant for you, then see this experience with him with joy - it has brought you to the place you are now in life - sorting yourself out for good. Fantastic.
Sending a big hug to start you off filling the emptiness. You are a great person and you will find happiness in yourself.

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