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The world is a lonely place.
February 10, 2010
10:00 am
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dudeguy
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Ever felt like you were alone in the whole world? Yes you see people even talk to them, but this constant lonliness keeps gnawing at your heart and all your days pass in sadness, the next just like the previous.

I feel like this most of the time. i so really want to break free but i feel trapped, like im barking up a dead tree.

Where is the escape.

February 10, 2010
10:51 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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It is a lonely place...very few people I can count on, in fact just one really...guess I should be happy for that one person, everyone else is flaky or leaves...sorry dudeguy..hate to agree but I do...

February 10, 2010
11:33 am
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atalose
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Us codies seem to have a void in ourselves leaving us feeling very lonely. We spend our time trying to fill that void with people and their problems.

Once we learn to begin to fill that viod with ourselves, taking care of ourselves, worrying about ourselves and getting healthier with our thinking that void begin to fill and we are not so lonely.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

February 10, 2010
4:52 pm
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Mugsie
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The best thing I have found is listening to music and walking so I can hear the thoughts in my head and find what is best for my soul. I am codependent and want to help others in this world but finding I needed my own help was refreshing and a bit saddening at the same time. There is love in your heart...use it for you.

February 10, 2010
5:08 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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What thoughtful true words Mugsie...I am sure if I am codependent but what you said was nice!

February 10, 2010
6:34 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Dudeguy,

I felt this way for the last part of my marriage. After the pain of the divorce subsided and I found an inner strength I didn't know existed in me I feel much more at home in my own skin and much less lonely, eventhough I now live alone.

I think it is truely a state of perception and less a reflection of your physical surroundings, at least it certainly has played out that way in my life.

February 10, 2010
6:36 pm
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saddoxie
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Right there with you dudeguy.
I am in a very lonely state in my life right now.

February 11, 2010
1:00 am
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Dudeguy,

You don't know how much I really relate to your post. I just signed onto this site after months of being away from it just to address my issues of loneliness. It distracts me from everything I do and I feel it in my stomach like a lead balloon. It really hurts and impedes me.

I don't know what else to say.
What I don't understand is, why there are so many lonely people out there and we all can't seem to find each other?

even when you are lonely, you can write to people on aac.

be well,
ella

February 11, 2010
4:09 am
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dudeguy
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chelonia mydas i have to agree with you; more than anything, it is an issue of distorted perceptio.
How else can you explain this; you walk in a room of familar people (clasmates or work mates) and every one is having fun,laughing eating and u know, just having a good time, yet all the while you feel so alone, so so so lonely, condemned and rejected?

WAhats wrong with that picture? Is it me or my internal dialogue?

If its my internal dialogue why do i have such dialogue, and is it possible to change?

My experience with codependence has shown me that usually loneliness usually goes hand in hand with a shame based self-concept.

February 11, 2010
6:04 am
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Anam Cara
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Hi dudeguy ------'If it's my internal dialogue why do I have such dialogue, and is it possible to change?'
-------------------
My son had that trouble for years - i would go out with him to a pub and we would talk into the late hours - so he is capable to converse.

He is a nice man of course yet often he would complain about situations like you. Yes things have changed - he has an obsession with his music - he now plays lead guitar in his own band - so change is possible. Yet he still needs kick starting at times when he is in groups. Yesterday I took him to meet nine of my new friends I have made during a mens group I have joined - he picked out 3 and had a good time talking to them.

So what am I trying to say to you - hmm perhaps you need not to worry too much - get yourself an avenue/interest that you can study and talk about to whoever shares in that interest. Art is my way into many conversations.

When I lost my wife to cancer I found I had so much time on my hands so I booked myself on a holiday choosing an art course - I was hopeless at drawing but I wanted to draw. I remember going on this holiday and thinking goodness what the hell have I done! I spent two weeks with perfect strangers yet we all had something in common.
We wanted to make pictures - I never looked back - it allowed me a way into new company.

Good luck - stop thinking it cannot change. It can sir!

Best Wishes AC

February 11, 2010
7:11 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I usually feel the same way. If two people are in a room with me, they will both talk to each more and eventually I feel left out of the conservation...when its a roomful of people, its worse, cause I feel as if I am just part of the furniture.

I am attractive, not to boost, but i am, I dress well and shower. I do not dominate the conversation and I try to keep the subject to one that is not flamable or objectable. I just do not know what it is bout me, that people seem to not like.

I do know that when you are abused growing up, which I was, just leave it to that, that you do have low self esteem, that it is readable to people and that they can tell and for whatever reason they aovid you for some reason...I sometimes feel as if I have a mark on my head and people just hate me for being a victim.

Esp bullies, they seem to be able to sense me out and they also seem to collerabate among themselves very well, i see that and I know it now and do not engage, now that i know this for what it is, I am able to get away before being pulled in and hurt and worse even, used.

It is a lonely world, but maybe what AC has sugggested will work for you.

Sorry, wish I could be more positive but when it comes to this topic, I just have too many lifetime experinces that made me jaded maybe, who knows...BFG

February 11, 2010
7:38 am
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Anam Cara
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BAREFOOTGIRL - please read 'The Shack' by Paul Young - it will release you from so much that haunts you.
Love. AC

February 11, 2010
7:41 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I will look into that AC...thank you:)

February 11, 2010
7:52 am
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chelonia mydas
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Every one of us has many opportunities throughout life to choose our perspective. But we have to do the work to change it and be persistant and determined to make those changes.

I too was abused as were many people out there, but not all of us are lonely most of the time. Everyone has moments of being lonely, but for that to be the dominate feeling that permeates our life is something that some fall into. It is possible to get out of that rut.

For me the difference is perception. Yes it is so easy to feel left out of things, I feel that way all the time. But I have learned to turn the volume down on my internal voice that tells me I'm not good enough, they don't like me, I'm being left out. I have created an internal voice that will scream when needed that I am worth it, I am likable and I can be part of this group. It takes work and time and lots of effort to create this positive voice. Also keep in mind that our consumption based society doesn't want us to feel good about ourselves because then we won't buy as much stuff. The commercials and advertisements work very hard to tell us that we aren't good enough unless we have this brand name item, drive this car, eat at this restaurant etc. so we will buy that produce/service. This form of advertising just fuels the negative voice that is already present in so many of us.

Most of the time the best way to be included in something is to show up and be present with the group. Keep telling yourself that you are just like everyone else there and you have a lot to share with this group. Then participate. It doesn't have to be perfect, just be what it is. Acutally studies have shown that people like others more after they have made a mistake because they seem more human and can relate to their mistake. Those that expect perfection in their friends, are folks you really want to avoid.

I want to write more, but I gotta go to work.

February 11, 2010
10:19 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Interesting...I agree.

I think my problem is that I live in a upper class society cause that is where we brought a home and wanted to raise our child, We got the best school possible...however we got a very small older home...something we felt was a wise choice and still do...

However, most of the people here are about what you have have and what you ddrive and wear...I will never quite fit in most circles here and to be honest I do believe I would like most of the people anyhow in those circles...

There are many middle class folks in my area, whom seem nice, but most work and have their friends already...its hard to break into a new enviroment...I am not into socializing all that much anyhow and either is my husband.

We do like to be home most of the time or to take small trips as a family when money allows...I only have two friends here cause they are the mothers of two of my daughters friends or otherwise, I have no one to talk too.

And I really have little in common when I am with them, they shop at places I only dream of, go on fab vacas and have large cirlces of friends...I hear all bout their parties and sociailizing...all the time.

I often wonder why i would not feel out of things...its just how things are I guess....

February 11, 2010
10:26 am
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Lanigirl
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DudeG.,

What interests do you have?

For myself, when I'm around children or animals I feel completely accepted. Taking my dog to the park and volunteering as a tutor in the library has really lifted my spirits.

As for being in a room of people - you can take the lead. I often didn't feel good enough about myself and saw others behavior as rejection. Now I just find people to start a topic with.

Yep, most people are flakey - they are consumed with their lives. So I pick the ones that want to do things together. It has worked out that most are ones that are single with no children because they have been the ones that are willing.

My rambling comes down to - do whatever it takes to make you happy.

February 12, 2010
12:51 pm
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dudeguy
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Thanks for the feedback guys. You vee said plenty of stuff i agree with.

chelonia mydas i completelt agree with you when you say changing your internal voice is hard.

This is my story:::::

For me the issues of my pereception have been made known to me recently, well a year or so.

they all stem from my relationship with my father.
My Father is and has always been a very reserved person,
aloof more like, emotionally distant and unengaged.

He never really knew nor does he know how to give love and affirmation.
He never told me he loved me all my years growing up.
Instead i was reduced to having to work for his approval and acceptance,
for instance, i would try to be a good boy or be extra good at school so he could like me. but guess what?

He never did.

Nothing i ever did was good enough for him to compliment, he always seems irritated and annoyed,
when i would try to engage him in conversation, he was just mutter a word and keep quiet.

the effect of all this on me is that i began to see myself as valueless, unimportant and useless.
like i was not worth anyone's time. This stuff happened when I was young about 5 years old
I just now realised what was the soure of my pain 23 years later.
i relate to people the same way i related to my father,
thats to say i see people the same way i related to my father,
i see pople as anry, difficult to please critical, condemning and fickle.
Let me let you all in on a big secret, when I started this this thread, i thought no one was read my thread or even bother posting anything on it.
I expected and anticipated that i would be rejected.

But why should i anticipate a thing like that.

I am using a nickname and none of you guys that have posted stuff on my thread even know me, but i was so sure none o you would like me.

Why?

I guess it was the continual rebuttal and rejection i experienced from my father,
the shame of thinking he didnt care for me and not having anyone to tralk to.
imagine the scale of my wall. I ve practically lived and thought like this all my life, so how do i turn the tide now.

I have thought myself useless and inept incompetent and all. on what basis? A lie really,
Am I valueless and worthless because my Father did not affirm me and love me in the way i needed to be loved as a child?

If i do have some value, what is this value based on and how do i change my misconception about of myself.

I am not even sure our to relate to dad. there is this inexplicable tension between us.

February 12, 2010
3:02 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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dudeguy...

I am sorry, sadly I could relate to what you wrote here....

February 12, 2010
3:28 pm
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darkeyes
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dudeguy.. I have never been abused sexually but emotionally yes.. sadly also I can relate to what you wrote..

February 12, 2010
8:44 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Dudeguy,

Thank you for opening up to us and sharing. That is a huge step toward healing. You are worthy of consideration and your experiences, thoughts and feelings are valid.

Have you considered counseling to learn healthy ways to heal from this?

You can learn ways to make peace with the feelings you currently struggle with. I still struggle but can tell you from someone who has been on this path for a while, the struggle is well worth the reward.

After decades of having the clouds of worthlessness hanging over my head, I remember well the first time I actually felt worthy, not just gave it lip service, but really felt it deep in my heart. It was like the clouds parted and the sun shone on my face for the first time in my life.

It was one of the best feelings ever. It now comes and goes, just like the weather. Some days I feel competent and some days like a complete looser and some days I actually feel like I've done something good. I have learned to better identify the insecurities and down times I encounter and know that if I keep working toward the good times they will eventually come around again. It took years to get here, but the way I look at it is that its so painful to feel rejected and the pain of recognizing and working to overcome those feelings isn't that much more painful, just more work. So it doesn't matter how long it takes, just keep working at it. I'm sure I have a life time of work ahead of me, but it is very much worth it.

You are worth it to. Keep being persistant and honest and taking steps forward.

One of the most influential people on my healing is a nun named Pema Chodron and two books that she wrote have had a profound effect on my life are When Things Fall Apart and Getting Unstuck.

February 13, 2010
7:55 am
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dudeguy
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chelonia mydas you are right when you say its loads of work, unfortunately it takes time.

the other day i had a revelation, there is this book ive been reading by Pat Springle, called untangling relationships and in it he mentioned that i am responsible for my own behavior, actions and feelings and not of other people.

that really helped me detach. i lookede at my dad and even though he looked critcal and upset i said to myself i am not responsible for his gloominess and unhappiness. i am not responsible for fixing him. he is responsible for himself.

Sounds selfish i know but what it did for me is it allowed me to be happy even whn he wasnt. his mood didnt affec my state of mind.

in the end its truth that sets people like us free from these ghosts of our past because really if you think about it we are slaves to ignorance and misconceptions.

Just then i experienced the lightness and strength you spoke about chelonia mydas. and you know what ill say to yu dont worry about its off and off, i ve learnt that pain is an opportunity to shed lht into a dark hurtful area, as more light is shed it heals and the more this keeps happening you are set free.

Really, there is hope, everyone of us can be happy. i once contemplated doing crazy things, but now i know with patience and help, real real change is possible, so lets hang in there.

February 13, 2010
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dudeguy
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Hi Lanigirl. One of the things that happens when you start recovering from codependency is that you ask yourself what you like.

When you asked me what my interests were i was startled at first. i realised that i never ask myself what i want, its always what others want and what i can do to please and help them.

something i hate but still compulsively do.

I love the outdoors, i love streams of flowing water, the green grass, the wind blowing in my hair, nature the open wild sky, camping fires, you konw just that kinda thing, i love that.

and going forward i ll try to do more of that.

February 13, 2010
4:24 pm
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onlyboringontheoutside
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I have often felt out of place in large groups of people, and as Chledonia suggests, challenging myself to be more present, more in the moment and paying attention to what is happening outside of me rather than fretting about not fitting in suddenly causes me to fit in. I can be at a table full of sports nuts (I know very little about sports and actually don't care much for them) and still choose to focus on the conversation even if I'm not saying anything. And if I'm not saying anything, that means it's not possible for me to be ignored. I'm still participating because I can cultivate a sense of curiosity. Even if it's curiosity to wonder "wow, I wonder what it is about the game of football that excites these people so much?" Having odd hobbies of my own, and knowing that I can get so excited by a random detail, helps me draw the parallel to the topic that I don't really have any thread to. It's completely ok if I don't "get" the passion around the topic. I don't need the conversation to be about me or about my interests for the conversation to be interesting or engaging to me. (OK, mostly... tax law will put me to sleep. *laugh*) I also know that if I personally want to talk to someone, I need to initiate the conversation, because the majority of people are also waiting for someone else to start it!

Dudeguy, do you live in an area where nature is available to you? This time of year can be really tough for nature lovers if you're in an area getting hammered by inhospitable weather.

February 15, 2010
10:05 am
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dudeguy
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i just had the most liberating thought.

Lust now, my co-worker was talking to my boss who is out of the country over the phone and they struck up a good rapport, laughing and joking. then i thought to myself, how would that conversation have been if that was me over the phoen?
Tense and cold i guess, becasue i would have expected my boss to be angry with me and ready to criticise me thouh i had nothing wrong.(this behavior has caused me to fear, even dread and resent authority figures)

But then i thought to myself, what do i have to be afraid of? why should he be angry with me? what have i done? maybe he is actually happy and pleased with me? maybe we can laugh together too. maybe the whole world isnt angry with me and ready to kick me in the teeth every chance it gets.

Thse thoughts felt good, like a big load off my shoulder. i felt happier and more confident. i said to myself, hey perhaps i can feel good about myself and be likeable and enjoy been me and having fun with people.

thses thoughts and feelings are so alien to me you ll never believe it.

but i m glad ive experienced them, hpe they recur more often until i dont even notice im having them

---hugs---

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