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The "what if" cycle of second-guessing is eating me up!
August 1, 2001
3:09 pm
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zoe3776
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I made a decision about 8 months ago that is irreversible. At the time, it was the best thing for me. I was becoming unhealthy with worry, dread and heartache while involved in a relationship with someone I thought was THE ONE. Now that time has passed, I find myself questioning wether or not I made the right decision. No doubt it's because the pain has subsided and I have that "swiss cheese" memory of what things were really like when we were together...but it's one of those things where only time can tell me if I made the right decision or not. I find myself missing his company so much...knowing that I had someone who loved me and someone I could love in return...all the beautiful things I lost when I got rid of the bad things, too.

Physically, I'm away from him. We don't even speak on the phone. That door has been closed. So how can I get my mind off dwelling on the past? I get so caught up in "Well, maybe I could have toughed it out" or "It probably wasn't that bad to begin with". I also have the pesky "what if this" or "what if that." It's eating me away inside. Any suggestions? It's very very painful to leave an unhealthy situation and still be in love with the person you left. My energies should be directed elsewhere because that life no longer exists...but it's like I can't stop mulling it over!

August 1, 2001
6:16 pm
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Molly
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They only way to fight those blues, is to get so busy, focused on something, or toss your self out into the dating scene. The melancholy is a good sign of dead space in your life, the idle moments when the monkey brain, or relapse takes over. So, shake your head, get those thoughts out, and make a dream, then make the dream reality.

August 2, 2001
1:11 am
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gingerleigh
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Molly has good suggestions there. Also, take comfort in the thought that there is no "one" for us, just lots of people out there who are good for us or right for us in different ways. Even if you made a "mistake" in letting that one go, there are others out there that will be just as good for you, perhaps even better. Just takes some time to meet them. Give yourself that time. 🙂

August 2, 2001
11:40 am
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eve
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zoe, I guess you took the best decision for yourself at the time. If you would have known all the answers to the what if's and yes but's, then you - maybe, but I don't really think so - could perhaps have made a different decision. But you did the right thing, from your point of live. Try to find some love and understanding for the former "poor zoe" that found the power to take this hard decision in order to protect the "future zoe" from further pain. And don't be harsh to your past, it doesn't help your present and it won't help your future.
Good luck for it!
Eve

August 2, 2001
8:54 pm
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Zoe3776

There are at least two sides to the coin of your experiences with your 'lost love'; namely agony and ecstacy. However was not the ecstacy very short lived by comparison to the other? Is the gross imbalance not the reason why you two parted company?

Yet those 'ecstatic moments' are powerful hooks that keep the yearning for recapturing those moments alive. The illusion is that those ecstatic moments can somehow be protracted such that the the 'coin' becomes double headed with 'ecstacy' on both sides - thus the 'what if' mind games.

My first question is "what is the emotional yearning deep inside of you that when fulfilled produces the ecstacy?"

My second question is "What is it about this lost lover that has the capacity to momentarily fulfil that yearning?"

My third question is "what is origin of that emotional yearning deep inside of you that when momentarily fulfilled produces the ecstacy?"

My fourth question is "how do you fulfil that emotional yearning for yourself without recourse to seeking its fulfilment from other human beings?"

Please be patient in finding the deep answers to these questions on your long journey to finding yourself.

August 3, 2001
9:01 am
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sue2001
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I have the what if problem but I haven't left my spouse yet. It is not a good relationship and everyday I feel like more of me is being torn apart. I can't even open my mouth and say anything about it much less get out.. I have the what ifs and I am still there...

August 6, 2001
3:13 pm
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sally-anne
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Tez,

Your reply has really struck a chord with me. I am stuck in the same battle. How do you go about answering those questions? Any suggestions anyone?

August 6, 2001
9:09 pm
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Sally-Anne.
You asked, "How do you go about answering those questions?"

Well... it's a case of 'horses for courses'. In my case, I made a start by using the power of my imagination. I found a quiet place and relived my most ecstatic moments with my lover within the vivid imagery of my mind's eye.

I then continually posed the question to myself, "What is it about this scene that is so arousing for me and is creating the cravings?"

I refused to accept superficial answers by posing deeper (not shallower)questions based on the superficial answers. Finally I gained very interesting insights into the nature of my yearnings which have led over many years to much deeper and productive insights into the nature of my being.

However, be warned that this process isn't easy. The unconscious tries very hard to deflect such intrusions past its protective veil. By its very nature it protects the conscious mind from painful yet beneficial realisations.

But the battle is well worth it. Years later, I now see the tremendous gifts of opportunities for self-discovery that the pain and suffering of my obsessive relationship brought with it.

Best of luck and may the wind be always at your back.

August 6, 2001
11:15 pm
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Lecs
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Wow! I am going literally through this right now but I am doing the begging part. I had dumped a person that was very close to my heart for physical abuse, it happened on 2 rare occassions and it was not all out punches so to say, so I was confused on whether or not I was even right to accuse him of abuse. The problem is that I dumped him and than regretted it b/c all I could do was miss him and think it was my fault for exaggerating a problem and not working on it. But after I broke things off he moved on and I was left kicking and screaming. I would call him only to end up crying and begging while he told me I really needed to move on, me the one who had ended it. I ended up not trusting my own judgement and getting really burned in the end. I was torturing myself trying to get him back b/c I needed to feel all those good things again. But the reality is that problems come back and usually they are worse the second time around. You need to like who you are and second guessing your decisions is not a way of putting yourself on a pedastool. I know how hard this is, I still go through all those bad feelings, but I talk about it and try to stay strong b/c you should be the most important person in your life. Now I picture all the great things we had and say hey! I was half of the reason we had such a great time, why couldn't I have that with someone else. Most likely you are the reason for so many of those good memories and something this person was or was not doing for you made you want to end it. He is missing out, you don't need to go there. Take those great memories and be excited to experience ones just like them with someone else, someone with out the same probs you had to deal with.

August 7, 2001
10:28 am
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zoe3776
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Lecs - I have to say that I really liked your comment: "I was half of the reason we had such a great time..." How true! As a matter of fact, I think I may have been MORE than half the reason on some occasions, and I know I still possess the ability to come up with those fun, creative, stimulating ideas without him! Only now, I can spend these ideas and good times with someone who will truly appreciate them!

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