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The wedding is off. Now what do I do?
July 20, 2005
7:04 pm
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JustSoLost
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Hey there thread buddies!

I hope you all are well. I'm struggling a bit this afternoon and need to vent.

Several "thing" have gone on and wrong since my last post late last month and now...the icing on the cake. The wedding is off. I am sad. I'm hurt. I'm angry. But I feel ashamed. I announced it to the world and everyone was so happy for me. Now, I have to tell everyone I am not getting married afterall. How do I deal with this embarrassment? Help me, you guys. Please! I feel like I just can't take another disappointment.
I feel myself slipping into a funk. And I don't want to go there. What do I do?

HELPME, PLEASE!!!!

July 20, 2005
7:31 pm
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CAMER
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what are the reasons as to why you are cancelling the wedding???? and if you do cancel the wedding, its best to do it now and know in advance that things won't work out than go thru with it and find out months later you are not happy.

July 20, 2005
7:36 pm
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hoping_2_feel_again
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First of all, do NOT be embarrassed. It is much better to stop the wedding than to be in an unhappy marriage. A wedding does not make a marriage. People will understand, and probably admire the courage it took to call things off. You are hurt, that is acknowledged! Will the hurt last the rest of your life? Probably not.

I don't know your story, who called off the wedding, etc, but I do know from experience, that this is a very traumatic event that will take time to get over.

Believe in yourself, keep busy, don't dwell on what might have been, dwell on the way it will be.

This will be a day by day process. Spend as much time with good friends as you can.

Hang in there!

Love, Hope

July 20, 2005
7:49 pm
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Just Lost
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Hoping is dead on. It is so much better to put off, or forever cancel, a wedding that may not work. It is so much better than getting married and watching it all fall apart afterwards with very few explanations. Here is my personal saga. I think you will see what I mean:

I started dating my wife in 1993. We stayed together, and lived together, until 2001. I was trying to let her get her education completed before we talked about marriage. She grew up in a disastrous home where her father basically ruled with an iron fist. I tried for years to get her to see how toxic her family was to her but she refused to see that. She took it as an attack. The problem with her upbringing was that she never really developed emotionally. So, in 2001, she got tired of me trying to guide her in the right direction and she moved out. She had already emotionally attached to a co-worker and within a month of leaving, she was sleeping with him. At the time, she told me he was just a friend and denied all sexual involvement. After a few months of that, she finally told me she wanted to be with him. I moved on and found someone else. But I ouldn't fall for her because I was still in love with my wife. One month later, my wife came stumbling back in asking for a second chance. I dumped my girlfriend without any explanation. Three weeks later, my wife was gone again. I spent a year chasing after her. She would never commit to the relationship totally. The in early 2002, another man came into the picture. Another "friend" that started out with just dinner, then long phone calls, then basically the same thing over again. I set a deadline. I had applied for a job in Jax and if it came through, I was done with all of it. In late May 2002, the offer came and I took it. She was still giving me the runaround about her current boyfriend so I left. Same thing happened again. We remained in contact. Two months later, I was making the long drives to see her. In November 2002, she lost her job and she was suddenly in Jax with me. We spent months of what I thought was working out our issues. In May 2003 I proposed. I should have known when she asked "are you sure." But I thought she was joking. We bought a house that summer and things were looking great. Except that now we were back in Jax with her toxic family. As the marriage grew closer, her mother started trying to stop the marriage by asking her daughter if she was sure. I didn't know it at the time but my wife, on our wedding day, tried to avoid signing the marriage certificate. It was only now that I find out that she was unsure and she made up her mind that day that she was okay if we got divorced. After the wedding, I started noticing that she was spending more and more time at work. Then she got a new position and was traveling more. In January of this year, she suddenly started drinking a lot. And going on recreational outings with work people. I asked her about it but she blew it off. I thought she might be having an affair with her boss so I called her on it. She denied it. Then, as we were working out our budget, I found out she had run up $4000 in credit cards after she told me she had no debt. Of course, I had just paid off her car loan also. Then there were the concert tickets I found out she bought and she wasnt going with me. So, one late day in April, she tells me that I am not her soulmate and that she no longer loves me. I immediately got us into counseling. I spent thousands of dollars but nothing was working. The one night at the end of May, I felt something was wrong. She was all excited about a work party. I called her for hours with no answer. I left work early. As I drove up to her mother's house, there she was in the front yard hugging another man. A co-worker. He quickly left as if nothing had happened. I told my wife I had seen enough. She chased me home. I asked her to leave. The next day she told this man how I felt. But it didnt change us. She was more convinced now that a divorce was inevitable. We went on a trip to the west coast and she ended up coming home early. We struggled through a few more days before she said she had had enough. We went to the attorney but she didn't want me to sign. She wanted to wait. So she went to counseling that night and came home with a revelation. She discovered she had a severe self esteem problem and that her parents, and me by now, were the cause of it. They recommended a lot of therapy and no relationships with anyone. That meant divorce. Within a week, I noticed she wasn't at her mom's house a lot (which is where she was staying). I finally decided to see what was up. I drove by the man's house. His house had been sold. I then noticed his car at my brother in law's house. I asked my wife about it. This man's wife had a new job in Georgia and she moved. He decided to stay and rent an apartment until he could decide what he wanted to do. Additionally, he allegedly had filed for divorce. So now my wife had a great excuse....to go visit her brother. And she did so. At the end of June, we met. She finally said it...she was in love with him. She said that she had never felt more wonderful in a man's presence. She said that she would not do anything until our divorce was final but she would wait for him for forever. That night, she went right back there. I did too and I confronted it. the other man talked to me like I was a dog and my wife stood next to him smiling. I told him he could have her. I tried to file the next morning and she called asking me to wait. My lawyer said not to wait. I filed. For days she claimed that she was not going to be nothing but friends with him. We went on another trip last week for a wedding. When we came home, she was a different person. By now the other man had moved into his new place. But his wife was also in town for a visit. She left Thursday. Thursday night, I found my wife had stayed with him. So we had one final blowout Friday night. She basically told me to get lost and get out of her life. She really doesn't care that we aren't divorced because she is going to do what she wants. She even has her own mother lying for her. So I haven't heard from her since early Saturday morning. She is not at her mother's house and all her phones are turned off. I think it is obvious where she is. So hard for me to deal with it all because I still love her. I am crushed. But I have turned to God now and I am trying to get through the days. Slowly...very slowly. Sleeping is the worst because I never get any. I have lost a lot of weight and cried more than I ever have in my life. That is my story to date.

Do the right thing. Calling off the wedding is nothing compared to having the wedding to only have to send out the message a year later of how disastrous it ended like I had to do.

July 20, 2005
8:52 pm
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balancesekr
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What you do know is up to you. If you are the one who decided to call off the wedding you need to look realistically at why you called it off. This may take some work, being codep means covering up the real problems... maybe you called things off because you know deep down you aren't ready, the relationship wasn't working... etc...

It really doesn't matter in this life what other people think as much as we believe it does. We are so afraid of not being accepted or fitting in. Perhaps you feel you let yourself down, you are not getting married right now and you have to face that, something wasn't right.

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