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The ULTIMATE dysfunctional relationship!
February 7, 2012
12:34 pm
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reso
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February 7, 2012
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Hello AAC board.

I'm a 20 something illegal immigrant kid, been here for 11 years and  have been in a relationship with a girl 9 years my senior for 3 years now.

I'm a smart guy with impulse control issues, so I've made all the bad choices you CAN make. When I first came stateside all friends made were gay/ porn actresses/lesbian couples/etc. After a period of staying strong, I succumbed to (of all things) meth before I even tried alcohol. I was literally exposed to the absolute most extreme behaviour pretty much from the start. I adapted. Nothing fazed me, not hanging out with hookers in motel rooms or being at a friend's house while he made pasta and had sex with whomever. All this being normal to me, I had no problem using my body for money at all, and did it every for about a year and a half followed by 2 years taking care of a pot growing operation. 

So yeah you name it, I've done it. The one constant is as bad as it all sounds, I've never had a victim. Haven't stolen from anyone, haven't assaulted anyone, or anything truly malicious. Morally bankrupt, sure… but those affected were only just me and my parents.  

Early 2009, my best friend met a girl at a club we frequented. He was her friday night, so a couple of times I was waiting in the car while they did whatever. For whatever reason, the girl and I went out together once without him and hit it off. Innocent me told my friend about it since he'd told me he didn't care either way, then he manipulated me and lied to me saying all this things about her of which to this day I'm not sure if he's lying or she is. I showed our conversation to the girl and she was livid. Got incredibly upset at both of us and she was pretty much done with me.

And then… she wasn't. It's the first time I noticed a tendancy for her to want to reconcile while at the same time being emotionally abusive. She insulted me and disrespected me so badly I remember the insults to this day. And I just took it.

At this point, she was demanding of me not smoking or drinking if we were to be together. So for about a half a year I did that. But then I ran out of money and had to go back to growing pot. This affront is what she says drove her to have a one night stand with a guy she used to cheat on her husband with. See before I met this girl she had been in the industrial/fetish scene and she had told me she had cheated on her ex husband with his best friend and her brother. So I knew what I was getting into. I would find out about her night off way later, but it made her feel like crap and soon enough she finally let go of her reservations about me growing/smoking pot and she finally smoked pot for the first time. That's when she got away from the industrial/fetish scene and we started having our own unique relationship with way too much love and way too much fun. Whatever problems are going on in her head, weed thankfully amelliorates a lot of the symptoms. Pretty soon we were going to dance clubs 3 times a week and hitting up raves and having blissful experiences rolling (taking ecstasy) together. But my boss wasn't too happy about how much she distracted me from my work, and eventually said she couldn't come to the house anymore. So I quit, went back home to my parents who weren't at all happy that I had to sell off the bud I had to keep making money. Eventually my parents put their foot down and I left them with only my girlfriend's place as an alternative for me to have a roof.

We knew it wasn't a perfect situation but we were happy, just really fucking broke cuz neither had a job by then. Her house, which she had never let me visit before, turned out to be a mess, with clear hoarding tendencies showing. Apparently, her husband divorcing her and her daughter moving out of the place meant she just didn't care at all anymore. I'm not sure what antidepressants she had been in the time before I met her but I'm pretty sure she tried all of them.

In any case, she got a job, and me as an illegal immigrant, I was both not doing enough to find a job and having a hard time doing so. And since she was gone all day, I made the decision to go back to using my body to make money. I told her I was doing day labor and recycling. Now, I didn't know that she had previously gone thru my email on my computer while I was working and knew all about my hooker past. So eventually she figured out I was doing it again and didn't let me know that SHE knew. We went on a roll, with enough money we had a hell of a time just going all out and having fun together. Eventually though, with enough time I wasn't the new thing in the area anymore plus meth had come back to my life because of clients. Slowly but surely my girlfriend had a hard time coping with anything emotional, and she'd lash out at me constantly for whatever reason so she wouldn't have to deal with her own issues. Her daughter being a complete asshole to her, people at work pissing her off… she'd call me as soon as she left work to use me to vent out, and I would have none of it, and the truth is anytime I play along to the drama, it just escalates and becomes totally unmanageable. Eventually, she was getting pissed off when I worked and even more pissed off if I didn't work. I stopped being able to get a handle on what would just keep her happy, cuz it just wouldn't happen. So I left her house and we stopped living together for a while, but we couldn't stay apart for too long and she told me she knew about my work and made me confess to everything and that's when she finally told me she cheated on me the one time. We dealt with it, we moved on, she was even excited about all the new sexual possibilities that had been opened because I wasn't hiding a part of myself anymore. Again we started having a lot of fun but we pushed our luck and burned ourselves, like when she said she was fine with me hosting a client with her at home while she tried to get some sleep. She lied, she couldn't resist and had her ear to the door hearing everything I had to do to satisfy the client. And so tendencies started creeping right back into our life together.

Fights became huge meltdowns in which she'd scream bloody murder for all the neighbors to hear, she'd hit walls and the floor all the while destroying me emotionally, and I was no help at all because I just didn't have the patience any more to take all the insults and constant aggravation so I went along with it. I wouldn't just shut up or leave the house, I would stay in and get so aggravated I would insult her back. Eventually she threw a computer monitor at me that left me with a massive contussion on my side for over a week. And then I got even more stupid. If she slapped me pushed me or got in front of my face and wouldn't stop screaming, I'd push her back. Eventually we got really stupid and chippy with each other and I had to grab her arms and push her away to defend myself and leave her with marks on her arms. She would go on for hours and hours just not stopping the emotional abuse, she was pushing me to a more angry and frustrated place and I had NOWHERE to go, being hours away from my family or friends with no car. I felt like I was being tortured and had nowhere to go, so I would slap her expecting her to react but she wouldn't stop. Eventually she filled me with so much hate for so long that if I pushed her back and she fell I could see myself kicking her. IT WAS INSANE. This was about the time the neighbors were rightfully fed up with her bullshit and called the cops on us. For the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I went to jail. Not only me, but her as well. The pictures they took of me were SERIOUS, and she had bruises from me trying to hold her arms with my hands to stop her from hitting me and getting any close to my face to insult me. Neither of us wanted to press charges on the other, so we both spend 4 days in jail without knowing what was happening to the other.

And you know what? When it was time for us to both go to court they put us in the same van with her on the front seat and we spent the whole ride just trying to hold each other worrying about the time we'd spent alone. The D.A couldn't charge us with anything, so they let us go that night and we met up and ran towards each other and hugged each other real hard, and felt nothing but love. At this point, I realized we were in a pretty messed up relationship. But I love her, and in the bottom of my heart I know I'll always be happiest with her.

We were fine for a while until one night I went out and forgot my phone and she saw a txt from me to my meth dealer from earlier in the day saying the coast was clear. I just meant for the guy to come up and smoke cuz she was out of the house, but she thought I was cheating on her having an actual ongoing thing with a guy… which is totally not me I only use men for their money, I could not be in a relationship with a guy. Aniway she proceeded to physically and emotionally abuse me the hardest she'd ever gone, I was non stop wailing (not even crying) for so long I lost my voice, eventually when I gathered the strenght to call my parents to pick me up, she knew she had been so bad to me that something snapped in her head and she realized I'd be gone forever, so she literally clamped down on me and wouldn't let me move for the hour it took my parents to come get me, to the point that my mom opened the door with her still restricting me. She finally let go, and I was suppossed to stay away… but of course I couldn't. A couple of weeks later, I asked her to come up to see me or she'd never see me again… so she came up and showed me so much love I was instantly hooked again.

I screwed over my friends, who had let me into their home so I could get better, by going right back to her. This time, I wasn't going to have sex for money anymore, so I DID go every day to look for day laboring work outside the local home depot. I worked my ass off and made legit money, and she gave me sooooo much. I felt incredible, but her company went under and she had no job, and there just wasn't enough work out there for me so even though I was actually doing it the right way this time, so we had the stress of not having much money at all. Now, she'd always repeated something peculiar… the fact that as she puts it, she obsesses so much about a relationship that it overwhelms her and she can only have one functional relationship at the time. When I wasn't around, it was her mom as they talked for hours each day. But not long after I came back to do things the right way this time, she came one night and said her daughter was moving back with her. Literally the first time she said that, I told her I should just go. But she said no, that it was still the me/you party. But… it clearly wasn't. I'd come home and find the daughter on my side of the bed and me being shy and spineless I wouldn't say anything, I would just retreat to the kitchen and watch tv there or generally just stay away as they had their time together.

Literally at the time I was trying the hardest, she slowly showed me less and less love and gave me less and less attention as she focused on her daughter. For crying out loud, we were rolling (doing ecstasy) at home together and she left the room to go hang out with her daughter. I failed again in that I let a lot of resentment build up inside of me, so that when she did feel like you know, being my girlfriend, I was always terse and obviously annoyed. Of course with her daughter there she had no reason to have to asky why or care to try to make me feel better, so she just let me stay pissed and distant and she went off and did the best buddies thing with her daughter. Whenever the daughter would piss her off, which was often aniway cuz she was using the house as a hotel and literally doing nothing around the house, she'd do the same thing she did to me and shun her and be all best buddies with me. I would have none of it, and she'd only get even more pissed off, this time at both of us.

Once the daughter kept depleating her food stamps money and I had a hard time finding work, she would just broke down and yell at me for no reason. It was so unfair, when she'd threaten to say all the bad things I had done that I went up to the daughter (she's an 18 year old incredibly lazy pot smoker/drinking that goes out wearing stockings and a garter at 7 in the morning) and told her exactly what I had been doing before. I knew she wouldn't care. The people that I've told about my having sex for money have all been very supportive. In any case, with my girlfriend on one side screaming at me telling me if she only had the money she could take my ass and trying hard to ridicule me in the eyes of her daugther, and the daughter herself speaking all kinds of shit about her mom behind her back, I had just had enough. I tried so hard to show by example. I woke up early, was the only one looking for work, coming back home tired as sin when I did to find nothing done around the house. Also, now for some reason, my girlfriend wasn't showering for a whole week, she didn't wanna have sex anymore and would yell at me how she felt disgusted by me, she wouldn't clean a damn plate while sitting at home all day playing videogames. So literally she was doing everything in her power for me to NOT wanna be there anymore. So a few weeks ago, when she had barely opened her eyes and was already berating me about something, I just couldn't take it anymore and I yelled at her to get her shit together and act like a human being. So she yelled out one time "Get out!!". And I had my out. I had my clean getaway and I took it and ran with it. I packed all my stuff and had to again sit there for an hour as she tried her hardest to insult me to my core. And I left. One last time. 

This time, I felt good, I felt done, I got work as soon as I got back to my support system of friends and family, I got my ass to the gym, respected my parents by moderating my consumption of everything. But it only took me 9 days for me to txt her to see if she needed my wifi adapter so they could go online again. I figured if I offered the olive branch, she would gladly take it and show me the love I needed to feel after having been driven out of that house under such relentless emotional assault. But you know what? She came to meet me as if I owed her an apology. As if I was at fault for having taken so long to contact her. She didn't flash a smile, she didn't show affection… she was just ready to argue. And it JUST BLEW MY MIND. I felt so defeated I started crying and she went straight to accusing me of being psychotic and under the influence. Here I was again trying to be the blisfully happy person I know I can be around her, and she was only giving me a bad attitude and putting me through hell as If I deserved it for ever trying to see her again. I doubled down. With tears running thru my cheeks I showed her a genuine heartfelt smile, I asked her to please hit the reset button and to please show me some love. It worked for a bit, we went out, I got her a rose, we had a good time. I was so happy I missed ending our nights in some dark secluded street having sex in the car when we werent living together. But on the way back, she joked about me being impatient in a really cruel wayand I just could not take the insensitivity for a guy that really needed some contact with his girl. She got snappy again and said she was having her period and it wasn't going to happen BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO BACK TO HER DAUGHTER. I tried SO hard, got her everything she wanted, got her the hardware for her daughter to be able to stay up all night on the effing computer and what do I get? from the woman who used to wake me up at the middle of the night cuz she wanted to have sex? nothing. Excuses and guilt and not an ounce of effort. It was the worst case scenario that I had expected, and of course she made me feel like I was this angry demanding asshole for wanting to have physical contact with her of any kind.

It's been a week but I got the message. She doesn't have the feelings and the love inside for her to do much of anything for me anymore. It's all gone to her daughter and like she said, she can only functionally give to one person at a time. I told her a few days ago I'm done putting myself out there looking like an idiot by txting her good morning, good night and showing her some love. I told her it was up to her now. And yesterday she didn't say good morning, she just txted me a picture of the new bong she got and how high she was getting. She didn't say good night or I love you. This morning of course I haven't heard from her and at this point I really don't much care. This relationship is sucking so much I really don't care for it anymore. My family and friends are showing me I'm not in fact the scum of the earth and I'm reciprocating with a lot of effort and positive developments for them and myself. Do I love her and still wish to be with her 'til the day I die? Yeap, but I'm RESIGNED to whatever the future holds, so long as I am not being driven to negative behavior. Stay tuned though, who knows, I may be back at her place in a few weeks, all things considered Wink

February 8, 2012
5:14 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Well, I did read all your story.  In my opinion, you and your girlfriend are in an intensely toxic relationship and it would be in your best interest and her best interest to avoid each other at all costs.  No matter how strongly you feel about her.  If I were you, I would prepare yourself for her to try and intice you back into her life, and come up with a plan to not respond for the sake of your overall emotional health and hers.  You are both very damaged in my opinion.  A relationship between two people that involves enabling one another with drugs never ends well.  Find help for yourself to learn a new skill and maybe learn a trade & get different work if possible.  Try to surround yourself with positive people who are not associated with the world you once had no choice but to live in.  If your parents care for you, they will encourage you to stay away from this girl.  As for her and her daughter, I hope she also finds some professional help so that she can also get healthier.

February 8, 2012
10:01 am
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miaIseeYou
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Thank you for coming here and sharing your honest story about a real person with real struggles reso.

June 4, 2012
11:13 pm
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ShiningLight
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reso,

 

If you feel that your relationship with her is dysfunctional already then I guess it's not worth of holding on to it. Let her go and move on. Your interests don't just click with her interests and maybe you aren't good enough for each other. Compatibility is one of the most important factors to consider a long lasting relationship. You may both have different personalities but if you're compatible enough and you agreed to be compatible and mutual to many things then that's good. If you think there's nothing else to save in your relationship then it's time to let go and find someone better. Someone who deserves your time and effort.

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