Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
The ultamatim Please read
September 14, 2005
9:24 pm
Avatar
Randomwomen2
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 9
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My husband told me that i need to decide if i want to have another baby in the next 16 months and if i want to wait until later than that he doesnt want to have one. right now i need to take care of myself I am on meds right now that would make it harmful to have children while im on them and i am not emmotionaly stable yet they found out that i am a bipolar manic depressant person with post termatic stress disorder i might want another child in the future but my husband sees it as to late even his mother is on me about it she says you need to either have one now or have at least 2 in a few years so that the other one wont be lonely. Its my damned life why wont they quit pressuring me

September 14, 2005
9:33 pm
Avatar
jamaicanwife
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I ask the same question. These people do not ease up. I just worked out a stock answer and I give it and then shut up. Let whatever else they have to say just float on by - I refuse to engage any further. I just say, every time, to whoever asks or presses, husband or friend or mother in law -

"We can barely feed the one we have right now."

Then I'm done. YOu have two babies that you can barely manage right now, with a family that - unless a lot has changed - barely lifts a finger to help you. Swallow hard, to keep from telling them all to go f*** themselves, and then say something that is so obviously true, they can't argue with you.

September 14, 2005
9:37 pm
Avatar
Randomwomen2
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 9
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am not even sure i am even in love with my husband anymore i dont even like myself but the one thing i do know is i love my boys its just so hard. I would have to change all of the medicatations that i am on and i dont think i am prepared to put myself through that hell yet

September 14, 2005
9:40 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((((Julie))))),

This is soooo weird. I was just thinking about you and I was actually going to post a thread asking where you have been. And looky that......here you are.

Very strange......

Anyway, on to the issue at hand. If I remember correctly you are still quite young (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong). Have you asked your husband why he needs an answer RIGHT NOW? I think that you are in your early 20's and if that is the case, there is PLENTY of time to have more children. There is no logical reason that you would have to answer that question today.

Sixteen months is too far in the future to know what will happen. Who knows what will happen tomorrow let alone 16 months from now.

My suggestion would be to just be honest with him (I wouldn't bother with the mother....you don't need to explain yourself to her as far as I'm concerned). Let him know that you are not sure how you are going to feel next year or even next month. You are trying to get yourself healthy right now and that is what you need to concentrate on. Let him know that you don't feel that he is being fair by demanding an answer about something that is so important.

In the end, it is your life and your body and you need to do what's best for you.

Take it one day at a time.

Love,
Lolli

September 14, 2005
9:41 pm
Avatar
jamaicanwife
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I feel even more pressure than you do, because I am not just under pressure from my stupid husband's desire to be a child with his children, and to prevent his son from being a lonely only child like he was. I am 35 years old, and the doctor told me to forget it. If I'm not already pregnant, he doesn't recommend it later than this. Well, my husband almost had a cow, and even though we were barely speaking to each other, much less having sex, and even though I was on medication for depression at the time, and even though I could barely cope with one child, a job, a difficult marriage, a dysfunctional relationship with my mother and my sisters and no relationship at all with my father - he still thought I should get pregnant right away.

You know what I said -"We can barely afford the one we have." He spoke of adopting in the future, I said I'd think about it. Done.

September 14, 2005
9:42 pm
Avatar
Shaney
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My God - you've got to be kidding. What about YOUR health, and YOUR life? In my opinion, a woman has to be in top shape, mentally and physically, before she can bring a healthy baby into this world. It's selfish of your husband not to understand this. How many children do you have already? Did you have any psychological/emotional stresses after having these children?

You need to be very honest with your husband, expaining that having a child is a decision that is made together as a couple - not a decision made by one FOR the other. I feel badly for you - of all people his mother should understand. Mother-in-laws can be quite a thorn in our sides.

September 14, 2005
9:47 pm
Avatar
Randomwomen2
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 9
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i deal with panic attacks now and i have lots of nightmares i get so stressed out that i feel like im going to faint and i get sick to my stomach. I am 22 and im not sure if i am even going to stick with my husband for much longer if he is going to be a jack ass and have me make choices like this he cant even handle the ones he has we have 2 boys one is 2 and the other is 3

September 14, 2005
9:47 pm
Avatar
jamaicanwife
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You are really a very strong person. You have endured, survived so much, and your closest family consistently show so little empathy and concern for your wellbeing. Maybe you should tell them to go f*** themselves.

Can you tell that this topic gets me all upset?

September 14, 2005
9:49 pm
Avatar
Randomwomen2
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 9
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

lol just a little.

September 14, 2005
9:54 pm
Avatar
jamaicanwife
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Men suck. And their mothers too.

September 14, 2005
9:59 pm
Avatar
Randomwomen2
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 9
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

my husband thought that because we moved that all my problems would be solved like it would erase 10 years of pain and suffering. He just doesnt understand at all It realy hurt me that he thought that its not material things that kills me on the inside its people that didnt love me like they should have i was just a peice off ass to my parents excuse my language but i was also the made and the drug and alchoal tester. I want to be loved for me not what people make me to be or wnat me to be why is that so damnen hard? You guys are my only refuge and i thank you for that

September 14, 2005
10:08 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi! I know about ultimatums (or however you spell it) - I´ve lived through some rough ones. Generally people who don´t know anything or don´t want to know say you´re trying to get attention. The reason I reply here and relate to you is because I was an unplanned child (other than I got only two replies to my thread and you had none when I checked).

Well.. it´s nice planning babies and it can be nice to just welcome them. My mother cried during every day of her pregnancy with me. She told me she was afraid that I became too sensitive because of it. Whether this can happen, I don´t know. But the fact is that she was trying to justify her (hegative) feelings when later on we weren´t very close though compatible in many things.

I am very sensitive and I suffer from depression, high anxiety and codependency. I take medication and it helps.

The pressure you´re getting doesn´t help. Maybe you can say they are direct and honest with you is a start to dealing with the problem.

I believe that these people are very important to you. You don´t mention anybody else. Maybe they are too important. And what do you get? Pressure. I live alone and don´t have much empathy from family. So if I´m not projecting too much of myself here, maybe, no, certainly you feel afraid of being all alone, losing the best or only father for your baby, taking those med´s and basically being like you are right now - not fine enough to make decisions. How much control do you want to have in your life? As we get older, we get choosier and pick the fights we wanna fight. The best I get from what you said is that you want to cope with the not so nice side of your people who are giving you 16 months (more or less depending on how firm their ultimatum is) to reproduce. You must feel bad if you feel like only a reproducer. But you are taking med´s and you got here. I bet you´ll feel better. I know you can get better!! (( hug ))

PS: sorry for such a long message to say that much

September 14, 2005
10:31 pm
Avatar
Randomwomen2
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 9
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

my mother in law has been a mnother to me much better than my real mom was or will ever be. I guess its the co dependecy that im trying to break free of. I want to make people happy but i am just now learning that i need to make myself happy first i have to be confortable in my own skin i am tired of being the people pleaser whos heart is empty i want to feel alive and free to make desisions with oout poeple breating down my neck. I want to feel free i want my heart to soar. This may sound like a bunch of babble to some of you but its my deepest desires. I want my husband to stop being an asshole and treat me with respect like i desirve

September 14, 2005
11:15 pm
Avatar
Randomwomen2
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 9
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i sound like a dreamer huh

September 14, 2005
11:48 pm
Avatar
Shaney
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

They may get pissed at first, if you start to stand up for yourself, but they'll end up respecting you if you stick to your guns. They pull this crap with you because they can, you more than likely let them.

Two boys - two and three years old! Your husband is out of his mind, thinking that either one of you can handle 3-4 kids under the ages of 6. If you think you have panic attacks and need medication now, throw two more kids into the mix. You'll be headed straight for a mental collapse, no doubt. Being the woman, and the one who actually has to carry and bear these children, you my dear, hold all of the cards. It's really easy NOT to get pregnant - if you're not ready, don't do it. Be direct, state your reasons why you don't feel it's a good idea at this time, and stick to it.

JamWife - I think I may have a hernia from laughing so hard at your last posts. You're killing me.

September 15, 2005
12:35 am
Avatar
Randomwomen2
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 9
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am not use to standing up for myself and when i do i feel like shit. cause then i amignoring other peoples wants and needs so i feel like im selfcentered see the vicious cycle i dont know how to break out of this nenver ending toument

September 15, 2005
12:39 am
Avatar
gingerleigh
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What's wrong with just having two kids? I myself cannot have any.

September 15, 2005
12:40 am
Avatar
Randomwomen2
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 9
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Im sorry to hear that. I realy do want to have a little girl but not yet i want to wait until i am on my feet and we are financialy capable but for him its either now or never

September 15, 2005
12:41 am
Avatar
sensitive
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

you and i have so much in common it is crazy, but then again isn't that what this site is about??, anyways i definitely agree that you need to work on yourself but how do you go abou8t it? i myself feel selfish and i would much rather make others happy.. can you honestly answer when you are asked what makes you happy???

that is a tough one for me cuz i don't know either. of course everyone wants to love themselves and have a healthy relationship and just have fun but how do you deal with your issues enough to actually let them go so that you can be happy freely?

September 15, 2005
12:43 am
Avatar
Randomwomen2
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 9
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have no idea cause i dont know where my feelings begin and what i think other people would feel ends. If that makes any since

September 15, 2005
12:43 am
Avatar
Shaney
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

There is nothing wrong with stating how you feel. Start there. Once you do that, state what you need. It's logical... no need to feel bad. If you look at the big picture and realize that you are not emotionally ready to have more babies, how can that be argued with - it's logical, it makes sense, nobody's to blame - it just happens to be.

September 15, 2005
12:46 am
Avatar
sensitive
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i know i do not know you or your husband but maybe you dont know if you really love him anymore because you do not love yourself...you will always love your kids no matter what that is different. but it is really true that if you do not love yourself you cannot love anyone else because you don't have love to give.
is there a reason he wants to have a kid now?? besides that you are getting older? arent you only 22? if you are you have so much time.
maybe he is in a rush because he feels that if you have someone else to care for like a baby you can forget about your own problems for now...which by the way is not the right decision but he wants it for his own selfish reasons.

September 15, 2005
12:46 am
Avatar
Neshema
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

shaney-

where are you?

September 15, 2005
12:47 am
Avatar
Randomwomen2
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 9
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i am on so much mediation right now it is not logical for me to have another child

September 15, 2005
12:48 am
Avatar
sensitive
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

may i ask what some of the issues are that you are dealing with? besides not liking yourself? what are some of the things you have gone through?

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
25
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111006
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38567
Posts: 714294
Newest Members:
nickbor34, finistratbob, Knewhervel, waylanmarx, rydesk, Castano
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information